Let's Catch Up (again)

I realized that's it's high time for me to go over things that have happened in the past (maybe) 6 months.

1. I'm pregnant. With baby number 2. Don't know if it's a boy or girl yet. Wasn't expecting it because I found out right when I was about to break up with L. *kanye shrug*
2. The baby almost killed me during the first trimester. I was super sick the entire time. Lost about 25 lbs so far. 
3. We also got a dog. Gypsy. She's a blue nose pit bull. Olivia loves her and she loves us.
4. L is pretty abusive to Gypsy so we may not keep her for much longer. I don't like how he treats her (he's an asshole) and she's getting too big for this apartment.
5. I was trying to move to Philly. Not working out. Need new plan of action.
6. Went back to work, just a temp job. Barely pays anything, I'm back to square one.
7. Had actually went back to school (not sure if I wrote about that). Was doing good until I got pregnant and sick. Had to take medical leave. Now in super debt.
8. Got into a really bad fight with L on Mothers Day. He got physical again. Now it's tough and I'm pretty much over the relationship even though i'm giving him another chance. He needs serious help. 
9. I need serious help too though. I can't live like this. So stressed and angry all the time. 
10. I don't have any friends anymore. Maybe like 1. 

Well that wraps that up for now. I'm tired from being so angry. I'm gonna try and get some sleep. 

Ciao

Possession

This is old (from several months ago, over 6). But I loved the irony and how well it spoke to exactly how my period makes me feel. 


On this day, approximately 5 hours ago, I got my period. As the day drove on, I slowly but surely felt it begin to possess my body. I felt it slowly killing me. Starting with the stress and fatigue. Then the back pain and irritability. I feel like it's ripping my insides apart. I should've known that I wouldn't have been saved by an unlikely and untimely pregnancy.

No Patience

It could be the years of pent of anger or it could just be that I've reached the limit of patience that I have for.. well, everything... but I'm cranky as fuck.

I literally have NO fucks to give about almost anyone's feelings.

L wanted to text me how hungry he was after he's been in the house all day. Not to mention that I did some grocery shopping about 2 days ago and there's shit in the house he could've made. He's just lazy.
Don't fucking complain to me. Because you've been stealing money from the food stamps and in addition to that you had the nerve to ask me for more money (that I could barely spare).
And now you want to complain there's no food? Or you don't have metro card fare?
Like dude??? Did you not think of that when you were frivolously spending on your bad ass habits?

FUCK YOU, SUFFER.

Like, if I have to suffer because of your bad habits, my dude your ass is going to suffer too.

NO PATIENCE

My mom wants to waste my damn time 2017 and expect me to nod my head in agreement and keep it pushing. NO.

I'm leaving, fuckyou, figure it out without me because I'm done.

NO PATIENCE

My time is short in this life. I could die tomorrow. I'm only concerned about my children. They don't deserve to have to deal with people's bullshit. Seriously.

I've had it up to Timbuktu. If I had it my way I'd collect my shit and bounce. Alas, life is not set up that way. So I'm stuck here between a rock and a hard place. With an asshole of a man who can't fend for himself is someone paid him to.

I'm so ready to be done and over with all of this.. Honestly. Truly.

I'm tired of being nice. It's been my downfall this far.

If I'd been strict from the start then he would've gotten the idea that wasting 5 years of my life... wouldn't turn out in his favor. \
S.T.A.R.V.E. idgaf.

Because you're an adult and you can make conscious decisions without having to rely on me being your mother. Seriously.

Have the nerve to say if it was me that I'd be upset.... See the thing is that's never been me. I always do what I have to do, fend for myself if I have to.

I spent two days at work hungry, all day. Because I gave him the power to be able to feed himself at his leisure (even though he was in the house all day and I was not). I'm not doing that anymore. He had time to say, you know what. Let me stock up on things so that I can make sure no matter what I'll have something to eat or fall back on when the time comes. But NOOOOOO he needs me to think like that. Needs me to make the judgment call.

I'm tired of raising a grown ass man. Honestly. Truly.

How many times do I have to write about being tired of something. How many times do I have to express my unhappiness. Every time I turn around it's something else. It's something new. Nothing ever let's up for me. At least that's what it feels like, because this ENTIRE BLOG is nothing but lamentations. Like WTF?
The shit only covers like 6 years of my life.. how the fuck is there maybe 1% of joy and contentment? It's probably less than that if I quantify it properly, but you get the point.

That's why I don't write as much. Because it stopped making sense. It stopped feeling therapeutic and morphed into a death sentence by stress. Reading over anything doesn't make me feel any better. And it's not as if I'm talking to anyone.  I don't get any advice or feedback. It just stays here on the screen for me to cry over later. That's some fucked up shit.

I'm so angry right now. It makes me exhausted.

Maybe I'm depressed... Maybe it's the pregnancy (that I have yet to talk about on here, it's bambino #2.. don't ask, it's series on it's own)...
Maybe it's just that I'm tired of being fucking tired.. and complacent. I have no patience.

 

Hot fucking mess

Originally written last week Thursday.

I'm still on the damn train and it's oddly still packed. What is NYC?? How the hell is this even possible??

Oh well, I just realized how exhausted I really am. And to be quite honest I don't feel like I did shit. Damn. Time flies by so fast when you're hoping it doesn't.

Ive been wanting to write for some time because I've had novels in my head. I need to go back to just writing random shit in my book. I can't wait till I'm done with this job. Although it might a pathway to different kinds of stress, it's going to be a huge weight off my shoulders. I've never willing decided to be unemployed or to be a full time student. But something told me to stop fucking around. I have every right to want to be a dedicated mother and student. I deserve to be able to pursue my dreams of having my own business. I am worth a real shot after fulfillment. It might be tough at first, but something's telling me this is always where I'm meant to be.

The title goes here, but I put it down there

Mo' money Mo' problems no money no problems

For some odd reason I feel like all my bad luck came with this new job. Like, getting a higher job title and a serious pay increase wasn't actually life changing in the good way that I would've expected it to be.
As well, I feel like every day I'm still at this job just means more hardship for me.

I just feel feel like the minute I've reached my last day will be the day that everything just stops. And the sky clears and all of a sudden something amazing and unexpected happens.
Whats more weird is that I always expected that with more income I could do more things, but in fact I just became more limited in what I was able to do. It seems like more just wasn't enough. Which really got me thinking maybe I'm just getting my money from the wron place, and I need to be making my own money. Because other people's money hasn't done me any good.

I had had so many good things planned and each and every one of them failed on me.

Ive put some thought into this theory that my job is the route of all evil, lol (jk, but maybe so... 🤔)
but it might also be ill-will that people I worked with wished on me, so I need to get away from those people or person... 😒

Ive got a little over a week left now. I'm so anxious. The first thing I'm going to do is my homework.

Morbid News

Originally written a week ago.

So. I finally went to see a doctor for my Feritility.

And I learned a lot of eye opening news, the biggest one was that I was....
...

morbidly obese..

shit I didn't think I looked morbidly obese but apparently I'm more than just fat and I'm most definitely not pregnant (even though she didn't do a test, not that it mattered just got my period and I don't think I'm special enough for a miracle baby)

So my BMI is 39. Click that link if you wanna see what it means or why it means I'm over over weight. I'm not even obese... I'm morbidly obese..... Shit I could die at a moments notice, but I somehow managed to run to meet my coworker by the train station. 🤔

Im not sure how to process the information because I already knew I was fat. Like seriously. Even though I made excuses for not losing weight and I pretty much ignored it, doesn't mean I was ignorant. However what I didn't know was that it (along with my stress) was probably what was causing me to be inferitle. Makes sense considering I was waaaayyyy less fat when I got pregnant with both Olivia and the second time.

In addition, I also found out that I'm high risk because of Olivia's birth. The GYN said she wouldn't dare let me have a natural birth if I got pregnant and stayed with her... But I'm tired of those scare tatics, if I do eventually get pregnant, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. But first, I've got to loose weight.

I wish i could could just take a vitamin and poof! Or I wish I could at least find time and energy for an activity that I liked. I miss biking, but I would be able to loose the weight I needed with just that.

I know I need to change my diet but I already have a love/hate relationship with food. If I try eating 100% healthy, I probably won't eat at all.

I'll have to find some solution, because I can't stay fat ... Sorry morbidly obese...forever and I want to be able to buy nice clothes...

The misadventures of me

It's my second week of classes and although I'm not caught up on my reading or homework, I feel so much like I'm back to myself. Being a student has always been one of my most enjoyed activities.. except for when I'm in a class I can't stand or understand. But the benefit of being a college student ( at least at the school I go to now) is that I can PICK MY CLASSES!!! Oh what a fucking feeling. I love Brooklyn College, but those Core Classes were threatening to kill me.

anywhoville. This afternoon evening (it's fucking 11 at night) I found myself at a Halal truck (because I'm trying to swear off McDonalds again) and I had the "pleasure" (?) of not only giving a (possibly intoxicated) white man the money that he dropped on the floor back, but I also got suspiciously hit on by the Halal cook. *kanye shrug*

i told L about it, but he I think he assumes something more elicit was afoot. It wasn't.. or maybe I'm just oblivious. I really just want to get home. This train is oddly packed for this hour. Like seriously!! WTF??!! Ok, it's only 10:44.. but it's not like it's 4 or 5 o'clock. Why are so many people just now heading home??! And I can't eat my gyro because I'm a train packed like this, it's just plain disrespectful. And I don't like eating in an uncomfortable situation. I rather write a blog post.

Parenting 101

Olivia goes to a school that's down to earth, but what I'd like to call for worldly people. Not really for people like me.

people who work hard but still live in struggle city.

Its for those stay at home, independent worker duos. Where one parent has a lofty and maybe demanding job and the other has the full time job of keeping shit together.

I always wanted that, but I was born black and poor so that wasn't going to happen. The Universe constantly whispers, "Thanks for trying though..." However as I struggled to get Olivia to school be a supportive parent, then shuffle her to a babysitter and try to be an appropriate employee.. I realized. This shit isn't for you girl.
I have two choices.. Drop work and take care of my child, myself, my life.. And pave the path I always wanted my way.. Or give in to being a zombie and maybe consider sending Olivia to live with another person. (Or prostitute so that I can afford a full time babysitter, but I'm not too fond of that option.)

anyway long story short... After having a breakdown at work I realized I had to put in my notice. I can't do this anymore. This job has been killing me for the past 6 months, and it's not getting any better. I'm crushed emotionally, creatively, and a little professionally. I've been drowning and I can't get my footing right anymore. I'm not properly equipped for the height of stress this job has placed on me. So rather then eventually slip into psychosis, I'm going to fall back.

Olivia said something to me that got me really inspired to do this, she asked me : "Mommy are you going to leave me?" And I said, "No of course not" and she replied, "you're going to stay with me forever..? " and simply said "forever and ever...."

Olivia's first day of school

Olivia is the only black kid in her class, maybe the only black child in the school.

But at least she's not the only person of color. Although no ones quite her skin tone..

She he had a tough start, but I think she'll be fine. I really like the school. And she really likes it as well.

her first day made me realize ONE major thing....

im doing this parenting thing ALL wrong.

Writing

I'm going to start writing my novel. For real this time.
ive already got a title and I don't know why this title is lit, but it's lit. Well now that I think about it, this could very well be my book. ......

who knows...

but ive felt like writing recently. Furious typing and editing and melting and sewing together a wonderfully good story.

I recently realized that I haven't been able to write fiction because I've lost the fairy tail in my life. I'm surrounded by reality and its mind crushing. While having sex I was inspired, and that inspiration felt great.
I was inspired by a symphony of words that were the echo of my real experiences. I am thoroughly suprised at my real voice.

I'm so fat I look pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if I was and my body was just playing cruel tricks on me making me think I wasn't. I've plenty of dreams where that's the case. But I don't think I'm that special. I just think I'm stressed and the stress is manifesting as a ball of fat on my stomach.
I spend a lot of time not hiding it, I'm sure people are wondering. No one has asked, but I wonder how I'll answer if/when they do. Would I say I'm 3 months along? Or just say... Nah I'm fat. I really thought about this and decided to say I've been trying and the vitamins I'm taking have made me really bloated but I'm keeping my fingers crossed... That's a lie, but a good one.

I think I have an affinaty for good lies. They're just enough inside the realm of belivability that they almost don't seem believable. However it would be odd to deny that it couldn't be true. Only my mom and brother and maybe L is fully aware of my ability, so I get away with it most of the time. I don't like to lie really, but telling people my personal business doesn't seem like the best choice either. Lies can sometimes be easier to explain then the complicated truth... Who's got time for that?? I was telling people L and I were engaged waaaayyyyy before we actually were, and now look at us. *kanye shrug*

back to writing...

The monster is me

Originally written about a month ago:

If I didn't hate cigarettes so much I'd be a chain smoker for sure.

I Don't feel it's my fault that I'm not happy.
Its just my life. I have every right to be stressed and I hate feeling like I don't.
I put up with a lot of stuff, and I always seem to find myself fighting by myself. Struggling by myself, stressing by myself. I might as well be by myself right.

i wrote this last night actually. I'm was having a bad day and I got into an inevitable argument with L (well rather he said something that didn't sit right with me., actually infuriated me) and I ended up leaving the house for a while. He was upset because its dangerous out here (it is actually) and I didn't tell him where I was going (I actually got a slushie and walked around the block and then sat and drank it until my phone died). I was mad because whenever he's upset or just needs to chill he can go smoke and be fine, and I'm just stuck here with all my stress and pent up feelings. And then he always blames me for being upset. What the fuxk does he expect?
Well eventually I went back home and he talked to me about it. Whatever, he made a point, but I'm not sure how much I believe him. It's just who I am and he's got to suck it up, at least until I get medicated. But in the heat I took my ring off and I thought I put it back on this morning but I didn't. And I'm not sure if it's still by the sink where I originally left it. 😪 Sigh.

The right habd

Originally written a week ago:

It's been several months of disgusting depression. It's like everything seems to be going wrong. And I can't get a leg up no matter what I do. I'm trying to take it in stride, day by day.
But through all of this, there has been some things that have made me feel better.
1. I've started talking to my Best friend again. We haven't gotten to have a full conversation, but I can feel myself calling her. I miss her a lot and it would be good to just shoot The shit and chat. Maybe I'll be back to normal soon?

2. My relationship with L has become so intense, and so beautiful. I don't really know how to explain it.... We talk, and the conversations are amazing. We fight, but it's not heartbreaking. And the sex.. The sex is mind blowing. And he's grown so much emotionally. We still have our faults but, it's not like before. He's so fucking loving and he shows it. I think it's weird, but when everything else is bad... We're good. Sometimes he just touches me and it's a vibe that I can't put my finger on. It's like home. When he have sex, it's making love and it isnt at the same time. It's fierce and it makes me want to write again. It brings poetry to my lips and novels to my hands.
maybe I'm just addicted. Maybe the sex is like magic and I'm under a spell, maybe he's under a spell too... Maybe it'll wear off. But... But. Maybe it won't. Doesn't the saying go, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
and trust me, I'm a big believer in disappointment and I'm such a wuss I'm terrified that he'll change his mind and I'll still be stuck under this spell. But Im so fucking happy with him, I'm so content in my relationship. I can't fucking wait to walk down that eisle towards him, to see his surprised face, to see his excitement, and to feel his heart beating. I dream about that shit. And I'm pretty sure I stopped believing in love.

Well. My right hand is waiting for my left. It's waiting for the tide to turn and for me to grow into the life I'm meant to live.

End of the road

I've never felt more disappointed in myself or my predicament.

Its officially gotten out out of control because I'm at the point where I'd legit sell my body, mind, soul even.. Just to get out. Just to not have to stress about this anymore.
Thats not a good place to be. It's a dangerous place to be. Being fed up is the worst place to be.
But that's where I am. That's how I feel.

Where are the bad people when you need them?

Babies

I've figured out why Im so upset that I can't have another child.

This thought came to me last night after a bought in the bed, where I exclaimed again that L still hasn't gotten me preggo, and he claimed that it's not him. And that perhaps it's the universe saying that it's not the right time. And I thus began to explain that my other pregnancies where not during the right time, but they happened anyway. No matter what the detriment to my self being.

i explain this all to say that it made me think... Why do I care so much??? I honestly don't think having another child both with L and at this point in time isn't a good idea. As well, considering my health and issues with Olivia's health, it's even worse.

I think it's just I'm tired of failing.

Ive always thought that no matter what, it's quite possible that all I was meant to do here on this plane of existence is be a mother. That's it. I'm not here for self fulfillment, not here for love, not here for anything but nurturing.

However, if I can't do that... Then what the hell am I worth? I'm just a piece of toolery.
And it's possible that my linear trajectory is just to serve as an incoherent character in a back story.

Hmmmm....

I try

I've been looking for a psychiatrist. Because I've lost the poetry in my life, in my being, and now that's gone I'll start to deteriorate completely. I'm pretty sure I'm hanging by a thread.

Just because it's going doesn't mean it'll get there

I'm trying to be optimistic. Because there's butterflies every where I look, and my right hand keeps stretching and I'm feeling a little duped by hot weather, however all food things come with a price right? Well I'm hoping not, but the stress and discomfort is still looming.
I tried getting in touch with a psychologist but I think her office might be closed?? Because I've left more messages than I can remember and no one has responded.

It's been day after day that I fee like I'm getting farther away from the things that I thought mattered. I'm betwixt wanting to give every fuck, and not wanting to give a single fuck. It's a tough line...

And fight now now I can't seem to get ahead on any platform. Or focus on any platform. I'm just running like a depressed chicken with no head in no general direction... Probably in circles. I'm hoping for reform, and reprise.

Ive pondered over my life and relationship, and mostly I've come to realize that I'm not only not where I want to be, but I'm not where I should be. I love L, and sometimes he's excellent. Most of the time he's great. But it times he can be so damaging. And I really do have to wonder about what the opposite of his actions would be rather than what his actions are. And then I ask myself how should one act if they really love another one unconditionally. See I love him unconditionally, our relationship may have permitters (but not many conditions) I have expectations (but not many conditions) and that's it. At the end of the day, I somehow manage to still be IN LOVE with him, no matter what. And I don't think I'm getting the same in return. Altough he swears up and down... Do I were ally expect my dream 2018 weeding? No. Do I expect my real engagement ring that he bought? No. Do I expect that we'll get to that ideal that I have in my head about a beautiful wedding on small island off the coast of Honduras, with only a few friends and family? No. Do I expect more children. No. Do I expect the travels, the house, the cars?? No.

But it I do still dream. I don't dare hope, that's for weaklings that don't know what heartbreak means. So I'm grooming myself for heartbreak, while dreaming for love. Everyday is a dance between growth and shrinkage. Not sure who'll win, but I'm prepared for both. If I end up alone, I'll suffice to be lonely. I don't foresee myself going much further then that anyway.

Addiction

Ad•dic•tion (noun) The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity. Synonyms: dependency, dependence, habit, problem...

I didn't think to consider myself an addict but I realized recently that one can be addicted to almost anything. Here are some things I'm addicted to:

• Intimacy : kissing, cuddling, rubbing, holding, being close to another human is like a need. It fuels my blood. It's possible that it could be a sexual need that drives me. Not sure... But I do know that sex isn't an exclusive part of this. I can actually do without sex, but the other stuff... I cannot.
• Pregnancy: this isn't exact, because I've only been pregnant twice, with only one child going to full term. But it's preggo season and I can't stand it. I want a baby in me so bad, it's become ridiculous. I feel so bad that I haven't gotten pregnant yet. What the fuck happened to that: "it only takes once without a condom" bullshit. Shit I feel fertile as fuck and I can't get pregnant to save my life. Every time I try to forget about it, I start having faux symptoms and then my damn period shows up and gets me even more depressed. 
• Alcohol: didn't realize how much I liked this shit. But it really is my go to when shits hits the fan. I'm literally two steps from being an alcoholic. What's even more dangerous is that if I go back on medication then I'll be a druggy/alcoholic who'll eventually be in rehab. So I've gotta watch myself. 
• Writing: whenever I go too long without writing I go insane. Like literally, I lose my shit. Even though I don't do it as often as I wish, it's actually killing me that I'm not. Which is where the depression comes in. When I'm having an attack, it stops me from wanting to do anything. Which in effect make me even more depressed. Hate that shit. 
• Helping people: even to my own detriment. I have no idea how my life will turn out, but I've already realized that it's not my own to enjoy. 
• Love: so much in fact that I can't make sense of what it actually is. Am I in love? Probably... Probably not. I know I'm in love with my daughter, but am I with L? The possibility is high but I could also just be addicted to him. 
• L: this is probably an addition to my love addiction, but for whatever reason I can't seem to figure out my feelings for him. I can get mad at him, but I can't let him go. Sometimes I wonder if our circumstances were different if we'd still be together. I don't like to think about it, but it's the honest truth. 

Its a short list but probably not a complete one. All in all it proves one thing... I'm no less prone to addiction then anyone.

Gone

I wrote this legit post on the damn Blogger app and I forgot to go back in and save it as a draft so it's gone now. I really hate how that happens because I never feel as inspired. Oh well. Essentially I came back because I've been itching to write. It's been extremely tough on me. And I can feel myself falling apart.

ive considered going back into medication. I have no idea how it's going to affect me, but I think I need to at least give it a try. I can't continue to struggle trying to cope. I feel like everyday is challenge not to fail, but I end up just failing anyway.

Lets not even start on my financial situation. This car has taken me out of my mind. Every time things are going beautifully, the car ends up derailing it.

But im almost sure the car is cursed. I never saged it too.

i need my license too. Like I need my license a year ago. I've got to... GOT TO... Get back on track, because if I don't I'm going to go insane.

Stress has moved into every aspect of my life at this point. A large part o my being, has completed given up. But the other past just wants to past this.

can someone just give me money??

Maybe this is and isn't the end

It's been a rough month, week, day... 

There's been betrayal, anger, deaths, anything you can imagine it's here. I've experienced It and I'm fed up. I'm so tired I can't even begin to start a conversation on everything. Let's just focus on the major things:

L-

I think almost 80% of this damn blog is about his ass. Seriously. It's a damn shame that a man can take over so much of me. Never thought it could happen. Anyway long story short were back at odds again. It seems like no matter what I do, it's never enough for him. He's always angry at me in one way or another. I understand his predicament is tough and his male ego is really hurting but he needs to pull it together and start thinking outside of the box. He's so caught up in the "principle" of things that he can't even see opportunities in front of him. He won't get far waiting for the Goddess hersef to take him out of his drowning waters. But there's nothing that say or do that can convince him of that. He's just seems to blame everything else under the sun. He talks big about taking responsibility for his issue, but can't seem to compromise enough to fix it. What kind of shit is that???!!! Anyway, I'm so over it all. I don't even care anymore. He can do what he wants. I need to get my daughter into some type of childcare for the summer and handle my own business because I don't got time or energy to babysit him. 

Work-

I'm over it. Whatever happens, happens. 

Finances-

Over it. 

Car-

Whatever

I need to get my license tho. My test is coming up, but I don't even have my 5 hour!! 

Olivia-

I really need to find her child care. In other news found out she has profound hearing loss in her left ear. Sigh. I. Can't. I just can't. I feel like I'm failing. 

Family-

Done. Over it. No further comments. 

School-

Finally good news! I received the recommendation of a lifetime and found out about The New School here in NYC. Went to an info session today and it's everything I ever imagined. I'm going to start my application when I get home. I can create my own major, there's flexible classes both on campus and online, evening and daytime, full time and part time. I'll be able to work one on one with a counselor the whole time. I can get credits for my life experience. Omg I can't even begin to speak about how happy finding this program makes me. I'm over the moon. In a sea of shit that's my life this is my redemption. THIS. This school will be the new start I so desperately need. I can't wait. The advisor wants me to apply for the Fall!! Let's see what happens. Shit it can't get worse then this. 

It's Ouija

I wonder if it's just me or does anyone else feel like their dying so they go to the doctor and it's as if the problem goes away, it's not even relevant and the doctor makes you feel a little awkward about even brining it up... Causing you to feel as if you need to have your guts laying on the ground before even attempting to bring up any issues ever again. Essentially everything in your life feels de-validated, as if you're living a lie.???

Well that's me.

That's fucking me. 

I'm supposed to be following up with so many things (medically) but I feel like I'm insane now so I'll just let them slip away. 

And then I thought I had a legitimate issue at work, and I did.. I do.. But it's been de-validated so I feel like a shit head. I wanna go hide in a rock. Not that I don't have any reason to be concerned (with that whole debacle I just feel more concerned) but the air around it just let me know I made a mistake talking abut it. It's like in a horror story talking about the ghost dimension or then"other side" makes the ghost, demon, ect. aware of your presence. 

Oh well..???? I guess. I just have to pretend I didn't just metaphysically die today. I have to stop fighting the system. Because it's fucked up in so many ways. 

And now I can't go back. I can't go back to not being sick, or not being broke, or stressed, or worried. I can't go back to not being the black sheep at work.. (Not literally though, half of us are black) but I feel like someone's watching me.. Trying to get me to fuxk up and then proceed to destroy me (I know who it is, and yes she's white) 

I can't go back to being happy. It's almost gone. 

I'm heading towards breakdown valley and I can't stand that. I've got too many pent up emotions and I don't think I'll make it much farther.  I worked so hard to get better. So hard to compromise. So hard to be the perfect thing. Well not perfect, but ideal. Without losing who I am. But now I'm just metaphysically dead. That's it.