I spent all night, trying to clean my room. I feel successful. I managed to throw a lot of crap out. So I'm happy about that. Still doesn't change the fact that I still feel like a stranger in my own home. I hate going to that place. Oh well.
I'm dead tired. I feel dead. The nausea has subsided, for the moment.
OH.. ahh. I didn't tell you about that.. oh well. You'll figure it out.
But anyway, I feel alright, aside from being feeling like shit. sigh.
I'm so tired. and stressed out.
But on a less shittier note, I got 3 A's and 1 B for this semester.
A, A+, A-, B+
Pretty fucking awesome if you ask me, because if you look back to my previous posts I thought I was going to fail.
I'm so tired.
Next semester will be better, or it shall be the same. Last semester was similar. I got three A's and 1 B.
So yeah...
Now I'm cold.
January 10th is approaching at a speedy rate. I'm really excited. Which is weird, but also expected.
I just hope that everything is ok. I hope everything works out. Deep down, I feel like everything will be alright. But who knows. There's a lot to think about, and a lot to do. So many things, so little time.
sigh.. I'm so tired.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Im proud of myself
I have to say, I'm proud of myself for this blog. Despite that fact that no one see's it... I feel really accomplished for getting these thought's out there in the open. I encourage people to read, and try to understand. I know it may seem vauge and a little confusing most of the time (who am i kidding?? it's hella confusing, all the time), but it's me... As stripped away as i've ever been. It makes sense that it makes no sense..
Which is why im so proud. I've made it very far.. and i've got so much more to go..
How many lies does it take?
So im still stuck.. lying. It's tiring. I don't like lying, but she (the mom) doesn't like the truth.. so now what. She hates that I lie. But she hates when i tell the truth.. she hates everything, so I guess it doesn't matter. Does it?
One day, i'll be free. To do as I see fit, and say as I see fit. There will be no lying, because I won't need to, those who I will surround myself with will know the truth. They know the truth now so.. it's only you... Her... The mother
I mean, things can only get worse from this point .. well worse for this part of my life. In other parts they can only get better.
There's so much going on.. im so scared. Because I want my freedom so bad, and it's looking less and less like I will achieve it. Im trying so hard, I really am.
I want it all to work out. I want to be free to live like I want. I want to be able to love like I want. I want to be able to study, work, film, dance, sing, laugh, act... Like I want.
For myself.. for once..
But for now.. i have to live the lie within the lie.. lying my way through the tunnel.. until it ends..
Monday, January 2, 2012
Eating Goldfish
So im in Target, eating goldfish, feeling unaccomplished.
I was supposed to pick up a camera today, again. It's almost 3.. I told him he'd see me at 10 am. Wtf was i thinking?? But thats besides the point.
I still feel like a stranger in my own home, my own walls. In the company of those that are supposed to love and care about me , im an evil alien that cares about no one but herself.
But i mean, what's wrong with caring about yourself? Especially when you've devoted so much of your life to others...
Which is worse.. hurting others so that they can't hurt you anymore.. or letting yourself be hurt so that you don't hurt others??
I'll ponder that while i eat my goldfish...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
I'm trying not to hate
Im trying not to hate myself.. because im not the one that should be hated.
Im trying not to hate those around me.. whether or not they deserve it.
Im trying not to fall into my own trap of acceptance.
But is letting it be accepting??
Is not caring... Letting it be??
All i want to be is alone.
But again misery loves company.. and misery hates you when you can't provide that..
Or rather when you won't. Or you don't.
I feel like an outsider in my own home..
No one should feel that way..
To me that just means that it's not a home...
They have no idea whats going on, what they're doing. The damage... The end result will only be war.
War with oneself.
Because i've decided im leaving... And im not taking pain with me.
I don't care any more.
I can't.. so i won't..
Im just trying not to hate
The Problem
Last night... I spoke with L and he layed down some pretty heavy stuff.
To be blunt.. (because I have now lost the opportunity to be able to do an honest video diary on this I'll have to get back to that later)
He told me that I have to grow up. I have to make those choices in life that I seem to be ignoring. I have to start living for myself. Because honestly Im pushing away anyone who wants to get close to me because im so stuck in the bowels of the hell that I surround myself in.
^ It's a lot.. I know.. and it doesn't make much sense right now so let's break it down.
Let's get to the root of all this evil...
My mother.
She is the succubus and weight in my life. Although I realized this slightly the other day, I didn't realize how bad it was. I didn't realize how much she was destroying me and my life. and how much in turn i was destroying the lives of others. I'd get close to people and then toy with how much i allow them into my life. It's weird, because it's kinda like lying to them.. even if you're telling them the truth.
What ends up happening with my mother is that she doesn't want me to have a life. *this is mostly because she didn't have one, therefore it only makes sense to keep the perpetual cycle going huh??*
And of course misery loves company, misery thrives off best friends, forced or not. This leaves me so drained and depressed that I then reflect that on my friends and those closest to me (outside of my family... although Im not close with them anymore....) So then I become the misery.. that's looking for company.. And who the fuck wants to deal with that??
It doesn't take me long to catch onto this so in an effort not to continue hurting them, or dragging them down. I pull myself away.. and push them away... and I runaway.
Of course this leaves no one happy. especially me. so again with the perpetual cycle of misery.
(*i wonder if my grandmother was a miserable child.. I believe so...)
So there we have it. The problem..
I have to get out of this misery.. Or i will die in it. Because I'm not going to allow anyone to get close enough to date me, or marry me, or have children with me, or love me. I'll be more concerned with having the cycle end... with me.
But it doesn't have to end with me soaking up the pain.
I can be happy.
I have to remove myself from the company of misery.
This is what L told me last night.
And I broke down.. Because those were his words not mine.. and yet those are the words that my soul is screaming, begging, to be heard.
For the first time in my entire life. Someone understood the complexities and yet the simplicities of my life.. in fact better than I.
I thought it was my mother fostering this deadly relationship, when in fact it is me.
I am the one allowing myself to be here, in the company of misery.
L offered to help, he wants to be with me. But he cannot and will not be with misery.
I understand..
And that is when i realized that I could lose him. And that is when I realized I didn't want to lose anyone anymore... especially him. I nearly died when he spoke those words, hugged me, kissed my forehead softly and then walked away. I felt I was losing him right then and there. And with him.. a part of me left.
I want that part back, I don't want to lose him... I don't want to be miserable, and I don't want to have to be.
I guess. this has been my problem all along. I thought it was me. I figured it has to be me.. but it's not.. It's the misery. that's perpetually. tearing down my family..
^I can't help it.. i am a poet in every fiber of my being.
So now, it's do or die. (well not really, it's do or be miserable for the rest of my life.. and to me that's like death)
I guess...
I have to make some changes.....
To be blunt.. (because I have now lost the opportunity to be able to do an honest video diary on this I'll have to get back to that later)
He told me that I have to grow up. I have to make those choices in life that I seem to be ignoring. I have to start living for myself. Because honestly Im pushing away anyone who wants to get close to me because im so stuck in the bowels of the hell that I surround myself in.
^ It's a lot.. I know.. and it doesn't make much sense right now so let's break it down.
Let's get to the root of all this evil...
My mother.
She is the succubus and weight in my life. Although I realized this slightly the other day, I didn't realize how bad it was. I didn't realize how much she was destroying me and my life. and how much in turn i was destroying the lives of others. I'd get close to people and then toy with how much i allow them into my life. It's weird, because it's kinda like lying to them.. even if you're telling them the truth.
What ends up happening with my mother is that she doesn't want me to have a life. *this is mostly because she didn't have one, therefore it only makes sense to keep the perpetual cycle going huh??*
And of course misery loves company, misery thrives off best friends, forced or not. This leaves me so drained and depressed that I then reflect that on my friends and those closest to me (outside of my family... although Im not close with them anymore....) So then I become the misery.. that's looking for company.. And who the fuck wants to deal with that??
It doesn't take me long to catch onto this so in an effort not to continue hurting them, or dragging them down. I pull myself away.. and push them away... and I runaway.
Of course this leaves no one happy. especially me. so again with the perpetual cycle of misery.
(*i wonder if my grandmother was a miserable child.. I believe so...)
So there we have it. The problem..
I have to get out of this misery.. Or i will die in it. Because I'm not going to allow anyone to get close enough to date me, or marry me, or have children with me, or love me. I'll be more concerned with having the cycle end... with me.
But it doesn't have to end with me soaking up the pain.
I can be happy.
I have to remove myself from the company of misery.
This is what L told me last night.
And I broke down.. Because those were his words not mine.. and yet those are the words that my soul is screaming, begging, to be heard.
For the first time in my entire life. Someone understood the complexities and yet the simplicities of my life.. in fact better than I.
I thought it was my mother fostering this deadly relationship, when in fact it is me.
I am the one allowing myself to be here, in the company of misery.
L offered to help, he wants to be with me. But he cannot and will not be with misery.
I understand..
And that is when i realized that I could lose him. And that is when I realized I didn't want to lose anyone anymore... especially him. I nearly died when he spoke those words, hugged me, kissed my forehead softly and then walked away. I felt I was losing him right then and there. And with him.. a part of me left.
I want that part back, I don't want to lose him... I don't want to be miserable, and I don't want to have to be.
I guess. this has been my problem all along. I thought it was me. I figured it has to be me.. but it's not.. It's the misery. that's perpetually. tearing down my family..
^I can't help it.. i am a poet in every fiber of my being.
So now, it's do or die. (well not really, it's do or be miserable for the rest of my life.. and to me that's like death)
I guess...
I have to make some changes.....
HAPPY NEW YEARS!
So here we are.
As we embark on a new year. Let's remind ourselves... life isn't depressing.. we just look at it that way.
Let's find joy in pickles in our sandwiches, and hearing your favorite song through someone else's ipod on the subway... the little things in life
Spend time with those you love.. and those who love you back
Love yourself..even if you don't feel like it.because it's so much more fun
And don't forget to fill life with more parables. it's all hieroglyphics if we think about it. embrace the unknown and accept the unintangible.
I am not only saying this to you, but to myself, and to those closest to me and those far away. I think about you all. I love you all. Even if you like it or not.
And as you read this (meaning no one...) remember me as i remember you, a familiar stranger in passing
with wishes for a happy. new. year (even though it'll feel not much different from the last... :)
xoxo
As we embark on a new year. Let's remind ourselves... life isn't depressing.. we just look at it that way.
Let's find joy in pickles in our sandwiches, and hearing your favorite song through someone else's ipod on the subway... the little things in life
Spend time with those you love.. and those who love you back
Love yourself..even if you don't feel like it.because it's so much more fun
And don't forget to fill life with more parables. it's all hieroglyphics if we think about it. embrace the unknown and accept the unintangible.
I am not only saying this to you, but to myself, and to those closest to me and those far away. I think about you all. I love you all. Even if you like it or not.
And as you read this (meaning no one...) remember me as i remember you, a familiar stranger in passing
with wishes for a happy. new. year (even though it'll feel not much different from the last... :)
xoxo
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