As things fall apart

As we dawned on our 1 year anniversary it seems that L and i are all but completely over. Im not sure if we fell out of love, because im not even sure we were really in love in the first place. Furthermore, im not sure if either of us know what it is to love someone that way OR how...
We still have Olivia and she's important. And im not one of those women who will keep bitterness in her heart towards her childs father. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have her... So im grateful, and always will be.
I also don't want him to think that im keeping away from her because she primarily lives with me. He'll have her for the weekend. And he can see her whenever he wants, he can take her for visits and whatnot. He'll be legally required to pay child support, but i never had a stich of doubt that he would support either way.
I'll always love him (the only way I know how) and i'll always be there for him, if he ever needs me, no matter what.
But our relationship is bust.
I've grieved over this for weeks, so im more numb than anything else. I'll probably still cry over it though. Just not yet.
Thankfully/hopefully, other logistic things in my life are looking up so i should be on my own in no time.
Maybe then i can form a better cordial bond with L.
For know, i'll have to observe this mess, as things fall apart.

Moment of thought

I was having a moment of thought... And I didn't want to write anything. But what a better time to write than when you're in deep thought.

Well something really good must be on the verge of happening because I feel like Im at my wits end. Everyone is or has been pissing me off one way or another. I want control over my life back. I need my space. Became people feel like Im obligated to them for whatever reason but thy cannot obligate themselves to me. I'm so tired of everything. Of being hurt and hurting in return. No fun.

Im hoping above all hope that good news ensues this week. And it'll only be uphill from here. Or at least not down hill. I can handle a plateau.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. Again. Being stressed is exhausting. Especially with a child. Because I can't be stressed around her, or exhausted. That's no good for her.

I'd really like to move out on my own. I'd have such peace of mind. I wouldn't be so depressed. I'd be better off. Every other option is too stressful.

I realize I don't like living with people. After living in shelter after shelter all my life I just can't do it anymore. People annoy me beyond no end no. I don't have any more nerves for them to get on ... So Im just lashing out. But at least Im finally getting to speak my mind. Let others know what's really going on.

Just a thought.  

My soul

My soul aches. At the pain i feel. For the love I don't feel.
It's deep this pain. And liquid like blood. Pouring out of my orfices. Pulsing like tears. Heavy. Rough.
It hurts. It's a pain stitches cannot touch.
Reality hurts. Realization hurts. People hurt.
I don't like being hurt. But here I am again.
A foolish being. I was led into the pain. Hand held into the pain. Welcomed into the pain. It was my home, my happiness for only but a moment. Until I realized where I was and the cloudless walls came crashing down.
What a shame. I feel such internal shame.
Failure. Pain. They're so heavy.
Does one ever heal from this?
Am i meant for peace and happiness.
My life is filled with such pain.
It's so hard to keep myself together.
I just want to crawl up in a ball. I want to disappear.
But i have a daughter. Can't i just disappear with her?
I always feel so lonely.
Why?
Why does everyone insist on hurting me?
Im overdue for a break.
Im overdue for someone to understand. To care. To stop and think.. maybe she has a heart too. Maybe she's only human. Maybe she crys herself to sleep. Maybe, just maybe i'd be wrong for hurting her so..
Why does everyone hurt me so??

Friends...

So most recently, I have been assessing my life and my situation. On this paricular day I thought about my friends. After much thought, i came to the depressing realization that I only have one. Really.. well maybe 3.. but really 1.
Now I'll put this into a little perspective, I did not mix "aquaintences" with "friends", there is a big difference between the two.
I wanted to get down to the bottom of why I have been feeling so immensely lonely and thats because I don't have friends.
I have many aquaintences.. but they are not obligated to be my friends, so in fact they end up not being so...
So.... I end up lonely. Lack of company. Lack of conversation.
I feel like it's just me and Olivia, and she's my newborn daughter so it doesn't really count.                                                       
I should be able to say that my boyfriend is my friend, but there's been so much tension between us  these past few months because we're apart, that we've lost that.
Currently my best friend is on the other side of the country. She's all I've got. But I still feel alone. I hate this feeling.

I decided to take a break from Facebook because I find myself feeling more and more alone. But at the same time wanting to be around people less and less.

DEPRESSION.

It's a disease.
It's a battle.
It's a war.
..
...
....
And i'm losing.

terribly...

I feel like crying.
Sigh.
I have to wake up early tomorrow.

She's 2 months now...

It feels like things are falling apart around me.
Is this post-pardum depression??

I love my daughter. More than words can express. She is the joy and wonder of my life. In fact I write this currently as she lay on my chest. She likes to be close to mommy. I like being close to baby. So it's a win win situation.
Her father insist that I'm gonna spoil her, but all other research says otherwise.

She's also now 7.5 lbs! A big girl! I'm so proud of her, she can fit some of her newborn clothes now. Kinda. She's getting there. All I know is that she no longer fitst he premie stuff. I wish I had more money to get her more stuff.

I'm broke. I hate it. But that's not all that's gone to shits.

L and I are falling apart.
And although that should be expected considering how fast everything happened. I didn't think it was in the cards for us. I thought we were better than that. But I've come to the realization that he just can't love me the way that I need him to.

I need affection. I need strength. I need to get out of this physical and mental struggle. He's got his own mess that he's struggling to handle. But in all actuality I'm not sure if he's handling anything at all.
At least I'm getting therapy. I have no idea what he's doing.

But I feel like we're drifting apart. We don't talk like we used to. I'm finding it harder and harder to communicate with him. And I feel like he's beginning to lie to me.
Well he like to put it as "failing to mention". Ok, sure. Whatever, either way, I was unaware of something I should've been.

I feel lonely. And like crap. I feel like hiding under  a rock and staying there.

On top of all this lovely sundae. My mom's energy is growing more and more ominous. I can tell she's still harboring animosity about me having Olivia. Especially since we're so broke and in such a tight situation. And she's sick, but she has to work, because I'm on maternity leave.

I wish I didn't need her help. I'd rather do it all on my own.

I feel like running away.

It's all falling apart.

It's been a month...

And boy have things changed, but the reality of the matter is that I have a daughter in my life now. Point blank. Now it's not about me, but her...
But that doesn't mean Im gone...
I'm still here and it's been a struggle dealing with things surrounding that.
In this months time I've realized a lot of things about my life
I don't have as many close friends as I thought I did
My father is a jerk
I still struggle with depression...

Surprise!! She's Arrived!!

Ok, so I know I'm like hella late, but good news........... [insert drum roll]

SHE'S HERE!! Olivia Willow Leiva

My beautiful sweetness entered this world on August 15, 2012 at approximately 8:04 am.
The most gorgeous thing I've ever laid my eyes on, I swear.

Now I bet you're wondering "What the hell happened??!!" Well it's quite complicated. I actually started writing several post during the midst of all the commotion but before I knew it I was being swopped into the hospital so they never got posted.

It was the afternoon of my 37th week that I found out that I had to be induced because the test came back and she wasn't growing. They also found that her blood flow was selectively going to her brain, which is normally a signal that something is wrong. So the doctors advised I go back home, get my stuff together and return to the hospital that night to have the baby. Unfortunately as soon as I got home (about an hour later) I received a message from my midwife stating that after she looked at the results I should've been immediately admitted to the hospital.
Of course I was devastated because not only did that mean that I was no longer going to be able to have my water birth, I was going to give birth in a hospital, under super stress levels. Definitely not what I wanted my daughter to come into the world to.
However, I knew that I had to do as they said because they were the only ones who could legitimately tell if something had cause to worry about. So I rushed through the house like a tornado on Red Bull and packed my bag (which I hadn't even thought about until this point) and got myself together.
Thankfully my boyfriend was with me the entire time. I couldn't have done ANYTHING without him.
We made it to the hospital at 7pm. I got registered then hooked up to the monitor. At first they were concerned about her heart rate, but within minutes she improved so they decided that they would induce me with Pitocin.
I was moved to another room and told to get settled. I had to mentally prepare myself for labor because deep down in my heart I wasn't ready, but I wanted to make sure she was ok, have her in my arms and begin the life long journey that these 9 months had set me on a path towards.
They broke my water, and set me up on the pitocin drops. Within minutes of starting the pitocin I began to have contractions 2 minutes apart. They only felt like slightly more forceful menstrual cramps so I felt confident that I could take them on. Every half an hour my midwife came in to check on my dilation, I was getting there, but not very fast.
Within no time the pain became almost unbearable, but I knew it was only the beginning so I didn't complain, just held onto anything nearby with each contraction. After some time my midwife came in with a concerned look on her face. It seemed as if I wasn't getting far in dilation and Olivia was having a hard time with the labor. There didn't seem to be enough amniotic fluid in the womb so she was getting squished with each contraction, and even though she was a trouper, she may not be able to hold on for much longer. My midwife explained to me that I was tensing up with the contractions so I wasn't making much progress. And both Oli and I had reached a point where we were tiring out, so I wasn't breathing with the contractions and Olivia moved back up after each of them. She advised that I try and epidural to take some of the pressure off and to allow the contractions to do their job.
Although I had promised myself that I would go au natural with no drugs I listend to all the advise and decided that it might be best that way. They told me that I would still be able to push and I'd be able to feel it, just without as much pain. By that point my entire body was shaking constantly and the contractions were wrecking havoc on me. All I wanted to do was push her out. I wanted her in my arms already, and I figured if they're telling me so, then maybe just maybe the epidural will get me to that point faster.
Unfortunately I was right and wrong. She did come out faster, but she wasn't in my arms and she didn't come out the way I wanted her to.
After the epidural Olivia's heart rate decreased to a scary rate, so they had to take me off the pitocin. Unfortunately my body wasn't very good at labor so I went from contractions every 2 minutes to ones every 10. To top it off I went from 5 almost 6 centimeters to 4 centimeters. It was no bueno. I was frustrated, tired, and so so scared. Again, if it wasn't for L I wouldn't have gotten through it.
After a close encounter with her heart rate dropping to an all time low. I decided to ask if I could push or what were my other options. My doctor came in and after checking how far dilated I was, and looking at Olivia's heart rate, told me that I would need to have an emergency Cesarean section.
This was like an atomic bomb for me, because it was on my forbidden list. I absolutely did not want a c section. But the situation was looking dire, and my daughter's health and safety meant more to me than my preferences. So between tears and a numb, shaking body, I agreed and was swopped away into the operating room within 10 minutes.
I was so scared. 1, because I couldn't feel anything (at all) and 2, because I didn't know if she'd make it or not. All I wanted was to hear her cry... and when I did it was the most beautiful thing ever. She was born 3 pounds 13 ounces. A tiny little thing, with a cry that sounded like a quack. I'll never forget that moment.
Again, unfortunately she got swopped away from me straight into the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) I didn't get to hold her. I didn't get to see her except for a glimpse. I didn't get to feed her.
I felt as if I did nothing.
I was blessed and ever so grateful that she was ok and from the immediate readings healthy, but THe experience was nothing like I imaged, hoped for or even asked for. I was heartbroken.
Yet, within moments I was drugged up some more and sent to recuperate. Which was more painful than I could've ever thought.
Those stapels were hell, I couldn't breathe right, eat right, sleep right, laugh, cry, pee right. The whole nine yards. I don't think I could've ever imagined that type of pain. It was ridiculous.
So extremely long story short. After spending a week in the hospital I was able to take her home with me.
It's been 3 weeks and my life has changed drastically. I love her to pieces. And my love grows each and every day. She's absolutely amazing. I still can't believe I'm a mother and I have a daughter. It is truly an amazing feeling.

Let's hope that things will only get better from here on out.