Not enough time

We're 37 weeks today. Under normal and possibly average circumstance this would be great, awesome feat. Full term, only 3 more weeks to go. Seems like perfect time right? But for me.. eh. Complications have risen. After a normal visit to see my midwife they found the baby was too small. After a non stress test and a sonogram it was confirmed that she's in the lower third precentile. She's only 4 lbs. At first I was confused. I felt like three weeks is enough time to make it to 6 lbs, and 6 lbs was a good size. I was 6 lbs and so was my little brother. I felt that it was normal. But the doctor was still concerned. She did more test and found some oddity in the cord blood pulse. "Elevated levels" (i have no idea what that truly means, but it sounds intimidating...) So now, they're looking to deliver next week.
I no longer have enough time.
Im scared and upset and worried.
I promised myself and her that wouldn't bring her home to this medial ass apartment we now reside in. I'd have a earth shattering coniption if i found mouse poop on her belongings.
Im not prepared.
We have virtually nothing for her. I hope this baby shower turns out to be lucrative, i don't even have the basics.
Im freaking out.
I don't know how to deal with it.
I feel so alone.
It's like everyone in my life finds this news passable. Ok.
I find it unacceptable. Definitely not ok.
What the hell is wrong with my womb that she's safer outside of it?? That's what it feels like the doctor is telling me. I know she doesn't want me to break down in a waterfall of tears so she had to have been putting it lightly.

Next Steps

I'm now 36 weeks pregnant! Almost there 4 weeks to go. I'm excited and scared and all sorts of mumbo jumbo feelings. It's crazy that in no time (25 days) i'll get to meet this little creation of L and i. I can't wait, but at the same time I wish I had more time. I'm not ready, in so many ways. Most importantly financially. I really do wish we haed our own place. Dealing with family is so stressful and complicated. :?

Frustration

I feel like exploding. It's tough to put it into words. Im just so frustrated. I don't feel comfortable, and it's frustrating. I feel nomadic, during a time when I should be nesting. Sleep comes hard, with nightmares and peeing leading the way to a restless night. Not to mention the variety of uncomfortable venues I have available for me to sleep in. I'm stressed and it's wearing me thin. And all I know how to do is pretend. Pretend like everything is ok, and I'm strong enough... Even though it feels like I'm no where near strong enough. But of course I can't afford to be weak now... I watch the sun rise on a short lived night of pretending to sleep. In my dream my body was brusied and beaten, must've been from a physical manifestation of the emotional toll my body is taking. Something that's becoming harder and harder to hide. I wish I had a mommy. Don't get me wrong, I have a mother, who is, in her own way "supportive". But her "support" can be just as destructive as a hurrican wind. It's confusing and comes with a price. I cry silently as time flies by, I've been up since 5. I see a terse day ahead of me. But I have no known solution for it. I guess I'll just continue pretending... I hate it, but it's the only way I know how to cope.
I realized, I don't know what I'm doing. And what I need to do, isn't something that can be easily learned on your own. It takes guidance. I feel as if I have none. Yes, there are people in my life. There is support. But there is no guidance.
There is a big difference between the two.
I feel as though all I have are judgements and unempathetic head nodding. "I understand but I don't know"s. And "I will cast upon you my miscontrewed opinion of what I believe you should do or think"s. Most of comes across as condeming, so I feel I'm better off pretending. It hurts much less in the midst of the moment. But of course I can't pretend forever, I'm running out of time. And I hate pretending anyway, it requires too much energy.
It's all a lie, and I hate lying. But I don't know any other way to confront everything. I feel so alone. I know I'm not. I still have the ability to think realistically and sensically, doesn't mean my emotions are logical. That plus the hormones, just make me feel like a wreck. I feel terrible. And weak. I wish I could explain it better.
Will I ever be able to sleep again?
My brain is a destructive pathway filled with way too much subconcious.
You know, I feel like it would be rude to say "I'm not ok..." When someone asked me, how I was doing.
Now when my pretending skills have worn away I just remark that I'm tired. And people always assume it's just pregnancy when in reality it's life. Life is tiring me out. Emotions are striping me weak. And again not pregnancy, not hormones. Real, justifiable, uncontrollable, surpressed emotions.
So no, I'm not ok... Just tired.
At this rate I will have lost a total of 4 and a half hours of sleep.
I'm gonna regret that by the time I step into work.
I don't really feel like going in, but I have no where else I feel like going. Plus I desperatly need the money, even though it'll disappear faster than a shooting star.
I don't know, maybe I'll try to squeeze in an hour... I don't want to face the day.

Back on Track

So in the good news arena, I'm finally back on track!

• I finished my film!
• My boyfriend got a new job!
• And we're on our way to getting more baby stuff!

I'm really excited about everything. There's still a lot to worry about but I have a really good feeling that it'll all work out. 

The Worries

I seem to have that case of the worries. Problem is my worries are large and severely justified. It's quite a dilemma. Not only do I have those regular worries that are problematic for mommy-to-be's, but I have these major-real life-hard to fix-what the hell am i going to do worries that leave me in a depressed stupor.
I'm now 8 months 1 month away gestation, but techincally 2 months away birth. :o no matter how you look at it though, i'm still running out of time. And quickly at that.

1. I have no nursery.
2. I don't really have a place at all. (I didn't want to be moving after Olivia's birth and the apartment we're in now is severely inadequate)
3. My boyfriend just lost his job. 
4. Mine isn't cutting it on it's own.
5. Actually even before that, both our jobs wasn't cutting it...
6. We have little to nothing for Olivia
7. No crib, not even a pack n play, not much going on in the clothes dept, and nowhere-near enough diapers. Like i said we don't have a nursery, and nothing that supposed to go in it.

Im at a loss for what to do. This is a hurdle that is looking hard to pass. :/
These worries along with whether or not i'll survive an all natural birth are killing me. All i can say simply is "I don't know"
I don't even think I can muster up a positive thought process.
I don't think I have anymore: " I can do this." And "We'll figure it out."s. They're just no longer there. Metaphors are wanning in there ability to positively effect reality. I feel like crap, my boyfriend feels like crap, but at least the baby is happily excited to come out when her time is near. So excited in fact, that I'm worried she won't give me those full two months that I so awfully need. And she's so tiny. I always worry.
Worry, worry, worry. Those darn worries. They make me miserable, but what makes it worse is they're truth. Or rather their lacking in an answer to their enigmatic question.
I guess all I really have left is hope and trust in myself and my boyfriend that we'll pull through. Somehow someway. I must stop putting negative thoughts out there even if I don't have positive one's to replace them. Something's gotta give, because something always does.

>.< gone too long

Ok, so I know I haven't posted in like FOREVER...
And SOOOO much has happened. I can't even wrap my head around everything.

However, I did just want to hop back on the band wagon since I don't have much time currently but I do still want to reach out and say helloooooo *echo* :D

I have continued to write during my crazy hiatus, so one day I'll post the lost post that way the things I talk about from now on won't be so random.

In the mean time, as of today:

We have named the baby:

Olivia Willow Leiva


(*and yes, her initials are OWL* I think it's the THE MOST ADORABLE NAME EVER.. shouts outs to my wonderful mommy for putting it together)

I'm about to be 30 weeks!! Almost 8 months!! It's exciting.

I'm still not ready. My boyfriend and I are trying to move in together.. and with all the surrounding stress and instability it's tough.. really tough.

For the most part, I've got TONS of support. Some have dropped off, while others have turned a new leaf, either way Olivia's coming and I just can't wait :3

I'll be posting more soon, and again I'll add the writings that I have from like the FOREVER period I was away.

Till then!! <3

IT'S A GIRL!

The most exciting day of my life.. yet. I can't wait until she's born. My beautiful baby girl!!