Invisible

There's a certain invisibility that I feel. In almost every aspect of my life. It feels as though as long as I harbor these thoughts (or insecurities rather).. Of all the things I'm missing in my life.. Of all the things I wish I had.. Or want.. Or need. I'll be invisible to the life I have. 

I'm always thinking to myself. I wish I had her hair or her nails. I wish I had those shoes or was that skinny. I wish I lived in that apartment or had a boyfriend/girlfriend like that. These thoughts always rejuvenate sorrow within me. Because I have many things that no one else has. Why can't I just be happy with that? 

Because no one likes a work in progress. 

Everyone truly enjoys the final product. No one would pay to see a half finished movie, or stay content in a half renovated house. And although people claim they like the work needed to reach a final product... That's a lie.

 That shits stressful. 

But I can say it's worth it. The gratification is amazing. That swell of pride. Because all amazing things come with work and time. And when that time has come to a conclusion we unveil our hard work. 

Having realized this, I like to think of my invisibility as a necessary evil. It's like my cloak, my scaffold, my cocoon. Protecting me from the harsh environment. And now I just have to put in the work and time. And when that time has come to a conclusion unveil my butterfly wings. 

It's time

If you haven't noticed yet... And actually to be quite frank since I'm assuming almost no one reads this blog I can safely say that no one has noticed, but I digress ...

If you, said invisible person, haven't noticed yet, I have revealed my real name in one of my posts. Again I'm pretty sure it doesn't make a difference but whatever, my hopes is that one day it will. Having said that, I have decided it's time to actually do something with all this pent up creative energy. I am about to embark on one of the most difficult journeys of my time. 

I am going to start on my next film. Another bio. 

Here is the plot:

It's a film about making a film about a blog about my life. 

INCEPTION!!

Ok let's break that down if it's confusing. The movie is about my experience making a movie about my life essentially. But the byline of the movie is my blog. So  it's basically based off my blog. 

I realized that my blog is about half of my soul. There's some very serious thoughts, feelings, and emotions in here and I need to release them. I need to essentially come out of hiding. 

So here I am. Writing. I plan to write at least once every day until start of production than I'll bring it to at lest once a week until end of film. Then I'll go back to my once a month peek a boo. 

Well then! Let's begin.....

It feels like you're dying

That's what a broken heart feels like, a broken soul, and an open mind.

Sometimes I find myself standing still just pondering on how hurt I feel. How CONFUSED I feel.
Like what the fuck is love?
How is it even possible for me to say that I am in love, or love someone when there's so much pain attached to it. Shouldn't that be physically impossible?
Well if it's not it should be.

I don't get this.... thing..... I'm in.

One minute it feels so much like love, it feels so much like happiness and contentment that I can almost dupe myself that it's real.

But by the next moment the illusion falls before my eyes and I am left to bear witness to the destruction that remains.

Sometimes I like to pretend I am enjoying the ignorance. I pretend that I am totally unaware. I like to purposefully forget. But like a wound unattended that always comes back to haunt me.

I've tried to stop looking for the messages. But it's addictive. It's like when you open the gate to the other world, you can't close it. Not only will you notice the spirits, but the spirits will now notice you.
I don't do it all the time, just when I want to snap myself back into reality. Just when I've caught myself making plans for the future. When I catch myself using that stinking L word.

And that's when I find myself standing still...
pondering how hurt i feel. How CONFUSED I feel.
Like whtat the fuck is love?