Backtrack

So because the Blogger app is absolute shit I was writing quick post (that I inevitably never got to finish) in my Notes app on my iPhone. So I thought I'd just share those real quick:

May 19th -

It's been a rough few days with a lot of ups and downs. I meant to post during an up moment, but I've been particularly hesitant because of a down. So let me just explain. 

I recently got.  Engaged. 

Yup it happened. 

But before you get all hyped it wasn't out of desperation or whatever. It was because he knew he was going to lose me. 

I originally wasn't going go write it like that, but it's the truth. Otherwise he would've proposed a log time ago. Not to mention a ring fell out the sky.. Meaning I bought it. Actually there's a really interesting story behind the ring.....

I came across this company called Fragrance Jewelry or something like that which sells candles and bath bombs with jewelry hidden in them. I got a coupon and won a little offer which convinced me to give it a try. I thought it must be costume jewelry but it wasn't I got some pretty gorgeous rings out of it. (I got 1 candle, 1 bath bomb and a free gift) payed almost nothing but I had a chance to win a 10,000 ring and I was like YOLO. However I didn't know the events that enfolded after, would and by the time I got the rings I had forgotten about them. And I was still freshly healing from the debacle. But L and i was on great terms, so when he saw it and said, "this would be a great engagement ring right babe?" I thought to myself "well isn't this convenient...." But then he grabbed my had and said, "Khadija Monet Charles will you marry me?" And flashed his ever loving smile, I couldn't help but say yes. And feel happy about it. He's through the roof and so is our families (my moms already started planning.) and even though we don't want to have the wedding until 2018 we can't help but secretly plan ourselves. Because I think it's what we both wanted a long time ago. 

However, there's still so many things wrong going on. Let me break it down. 

1. I can't tell my best friend. Because I feel like she'll be upset, or jealous or skeptical or negative about it. Or whatever, but I've been few if some friction with us recently so I can't really between us 

END

May 25th- 

Well that was fast. 

I hadn't even gotten a chance to post some really interesting news when it was already absolved.

L and I were engaged. (Long story that i don't think I want to talk about anymore) 

All was well, we even started trying to have another child again. 

And then..... BOOM. 

Looks like we're breaking up.

Looks like he can't handle me anymore. 

Looks like he's not a man. 

Looks like I'm just... I'm... I don't know. I can't find a way to not blame him for this. After everything. 

There's no way I can not blame him for this. 

He finally gave up on me. And I shouldn't be surprised, our entire relationship has been a lie. And he's constantly been showing me signs. So whatever. 

I can't even focus on my emotions because I have to think about the practicalities of him leaving. I've spent $$$ on him that I can't get back now. Was dependent on him working and picking up that slack. But now that he'll be out of the picture I've got to pick up the pieces by myself. Hmmmm.

END