A new chapter

Hi again,

So after some very tough times with L. We're still living together and might even be taking a vacation in a few months.. but that's besides the point. The point is that I am still in a place that I don't want to be in. I am not happy in my relationship, but I am not one to kick someone I care about in the dirt (no matter how much he's hurt me..well.. no  matter how much he's annoyed me severely and made my life a living hellooo). I am hoping that maybe if I focus on myself I can just leave on my own.

I would never never never displace my daughter; so I would only leave if I perhaps got into low income housing or I was buying a house (or renting a house for a reasonable price) either way, I'm not budging (no matter how uncomfortable I feel unless those aforementioned cases were in play.

I have that talk with L every so often because I like to gauge where his mind is at, but he still keeps shifting and flipping, I can't keep up with him honestly. The truth is that I know  what I want. But it seems like he has no idea. Recently our sex life has proven more to how he feels because it hasn't been the same in months. It's like there's this disconnect and maybe I've echoed this previously, but it's more prevalent now. It almost feels like we're having sex just because. As if I could be anyone really and as long as he come out with a happy ending all is well. It feels like I'm the only one suffering from this. Perhaps it's because I'm such an emotional person and sex for me is rooted deeply in emotion. If that's not there than I'm just not into it.

This hurts the more I think about it, but it's something that can't be prevented. I've tried everything to make this relationship work, but I honestly know this is temporary. I just wish that he could come to his senses and admit how he truly feels. I hope he doesn't think he's sparing me any pain because in all actuality, I've never felt pain like this before.
My wounds can't close, I can't heal, I can't move on...I'm just stuck in purgatory.

I don't know what

I'm at the pinnacle, the precipice of I don't know what. 

I can't call this stress, or anger, or depression because its more like a mixture of all of that. 

I told my best friend the other day I'm like the human form/manifestation if a bruise. 

Literally, it's like I'm  sensitive to everything...everything...EVERYTHING! 

And at this point everything is so askew on all aspects that I can't even begin to make sense of it, or to muster up the energy to deal with it. 

Where has my life gone? Where is it taking me? These lessons that I'm learning through pain have not provided me with the ability to make changes. 

We've got to move by August 1st. So by next week. 

We have no prospects what so ever. We put some money into a realtor, but with our particular mix of shitty backgrounds we only qualify for one apartment. And it's more than we were looking to spend on rent. But it's our only hope at this point so we're gonna check it out. But we haven't even seen the place yet. I just hope that it's worth it's exorbitant price. 

NYC rent is rape I tell ya. 

As well, we'd still need the money to move in. Which is currently non existent. So it's looking like we're going to have to borrow. I'm putting all my faith in my mom, but I can't totally depend on her..

And because L hasn't been working its up to me and my overdrawn acct. 

 We're between a rock and a hard place. 

I'm up shits creek. 

Where is life's divine lesson? How does it end? Who determines that? 

Because I'm feeling pretty powerless.