Postpartum Depression

So I struggled with postpartum depression about 2 weeks before having Olivia and I must say that I've just recovered from it. It's not like the flu it doesn't go away completely but I have regained some things that I refrained from doing while I was still suffering from the strongest parts.
It was tough. Don't get me wrong though, I NEVER felt like I didn't want my baby girl. I've wanted her since I herd her horse powered heart beat at 8 weeks. Or was it 6? Either way, it wasn't whether or not I wanted her, it was how much am I doing for her. Am I being an ok mommy? I felt like I wasn't being a mother. Nothing was going the way I planned or wanted for that matter. Of course I was thankful for her successful birth, but I didn't envision it leaving me feeling so empty. No skin to skin contact. No breast feeding, nothing that I so desperately wanted, needed.

From there things just went downhill. I pulled away from family, friends. Or rather they pulled away from me. Which made me feel all the worse. I was overly ready for motherhood, but at the same time I felt underprepared. I didn't get to do a belly cast. Or take prego family photos. I didn't get my baby shower. I didn't get my glider chair. I didn't get my own apartment.

There were just too many things I didn't get and it just got me so upset. I was so confident that I had the ability to achieve those things I wanted for my daughter. And it just didn't work out..

I couldn't hang out, be around or even see other mothers sometimes. Especially ones breast feeding. I couldn't bear hearing birth stories because I felt like such a failure.

Birth and motherhood is supposed to be a defining moment for a woman. It shows strength, courage, ultimate love... I felt like I got stripped of all those things. I got robbed of my womanhood.

It was bad enough I got robbed of some of my childhood, and all of my teenage-hood. Only to add the biggest moment of my life. It was heart wrenching and i took it really hard.

But 7 months has passed and now I can say that I'm ok. I'm doing a bang up job as a mother and my daughter has everything she needs for the moment. Not to say that there aren't more things she needs but she's got the basics and I've got the ability to get her the rest. I'm taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I fall back a step, but I just think of the big picture and I look at how far I've come and I feel better. I've made my mistakes, but I can't live in the past... That's what the present's for. And I've got an amazing future to look forward to. And that's enough for me...

It's been a tough week

This week has just been wrecking my soul.
Is this my first post of 2013?? Oh... well
Happy New Years
Happy Valentines Day
Happy President's Day

... Did I miss a holiday?

Well.. back to my original purpose for writing this post. This week has torn me apart. I swear.

So I'm in the middle of transitioning.
But wait..

I never explained what happened between December and now... Not sure if I really feel like getting into details at this moment. Let's just put some bullet points up, which I have become so fond of.

• I cheated on L
• with... you guessed it S
• I feel terrible, but that's besides the point at this time... I was vulnerable and I had a lapse in judgement. 
• L and I got into an argument after unsatisfying sex and I confessed, well rather he pulled it out of me
• I severely broke his heart... he cried 
• I felt even worse
• I had another lapse in judgement and I drank..a lot.. 
• Followed shortly by a depletion in judgement all together 
• I cut my wrist
• It was deep it was bad, but obviously I'm still able to write this so I'm alive and well.. (kinda)
• I was in the hospital for about 3 or 4 days afterward (a psych ward)
• I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2.
• Put my life into perspective
• But it was still in shambles nonetheless
• I cut off all communication with S
• and after a messy messy conversation L and I made up
• It took a lot of courage and devotion
• Thereafter I moved out of my moms house and in with him (we're renting a room)
• I've cut off communication with my extended family (they're we're bullshitting me anyway, I was tired of pretending to like them)
• I went back to work and school and it has been ups and downs since....

Which brings us swiftly to the present moment.. now I know that was a lot to digest and there's so many questions, but take head.. feel free to leave a comment if you must or just wait until i publish a more detailed post.  I've got so much to say, it's just that my cell phone stopped working so I've been using a shitty tracphone until I can get a new one so I haven't been able to use the blogger app. 

that shit was sooooo convenient. 

Anywho, this week has been shit and I don't see much of an improvement happening. But overall, I've just become fed up with myself. with me and who I am. I am not happy with who I am. 

I'm fat. (everyone seems to keep on bringing it up, including the clothes that no longer fit me..)

I'm broke. (I've been living paycheck to paycheck and after recent events with my job, I wont have a paycheck to live off of for another 2 weeks)

My clothes and shoes are done.. (they have holes and they're worn out, it's terrible. I look like a professional bum I swear.)

My hair is a mess... (well I've decided to cut it... I'm going natural. So I'm just waiting for the next time I'll have $35 to do that..... sigh)

I have no friends... (except for V. that's pretty self explanatory.)

And my relationship has never been more confusing..

I AM NOT HAPPY!!!

I don't know how I got here.. or where I'm going from here. Life is KICKING MY ASS. 

I am normally a happy go lucky girl, I can find happiness in anything and everything. But it seems like everything (with the exception of Olivia and V) are making me bitter. I can feel my soul deteriorating. This is not me.. I'M LOSING ME!!!

I've identified almost all my problems, but I have no way of addressing them. I know I need to exercise and eat better to lose weight but I've become so bombarded by stress that I can muster a way to do that. 

Not to mention that the comments of others have made me so self conscious that it only fules the stress and bad eating habits. I've cried 3 times in the past 2 days already and I can see more tears coming down the line. 

I FEEL SO DAMN ALONE! it's horrible. 

I've started drinking more again, well not really. I don't have money for alcohol, but I do have alcohol I over do it on the drinks. Not that it makes me feel any different. Not even sure why I do it. I think I'm just jealous of those that have vices that make them feel better. Because no matter what I do.. I never feel better. It's just a continuous perpetual arena of self loathing and world hating. I hate to hate! 

I can't stand this anymore.

(BTW Random Note: Olivia is 6 months now, and she has her first 2 teeth! and She's eating solid foods, well purred solid foods.. and she has a tooth brush!! and she's sleeping through the night!.. I'm so proud of my baby..)

I'm so ready to just be done with this self and move on to the real me, who I've been suppressing  almost all my life. But I have no idea how to do that. I don't know how to stop caring so much what other people think and do what makes me satisfied and happy. I don't know how to achieve my own happiness. 

Oh, I almost forgot we're in the middle of moving to another room. In the Bronx this time. It's much cheaper, but we really need our own apartment like asap.  I know it may sound terrible, but I CAN'T LIVE WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE... It's frustrating in more ways than one, and people may seem nice at first but they're a whole other being when you live with them... sigh..

This week has been kicking my ass, but I think I've gotten so fed up that I've prepared myself for the worst... I just have to take it one day at a time. 

I wish I didn't feel so lonely. or empty. 

sigh. 

The next day...

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. After spilling my feelings and crying, crying, crying.. I just feel done. It's terrible. I still don't know what to do.

A letter to happiness.

Dear S.

I just thought u should now. I really like you. I really do. And it's dangerous and bad because i can't ever be with u. Because i could never hurt L and u could never hurt misty*. But i feel so happy every time you're with me. So incredibly happy, words couldn't explain. And for that i must thank you, you've kept me sane. But sometimes i wish u didn't make me so happy, because then i could continue lying to myself about how when im with L, i truly felt. I could continue believing that was happiness. That it was a meant to be. I didnt know what i was missing until you gave it to me. And now im stuck. In a type of limbo that leaves me feeling so empty, confused. It's seems like no matter what I do, ill always lose. These past few weeks, that we've spent together has been almost like a dream, and now i have to wake to reality and its just not the same. I wish i knew what to say or what to do. But i don't. I feel awful. Because when im with him, im wishing i were with you. The reason i said sorry is because im sorry that i didn't give you a chance. Im sorry i was stupid and im sorry i left things to happenstance. Because now it's too late. I don't know what lay ahead of me in the future, because now i'll never be the same. I'll always be taunted by this vivid feeling i have for you, this thing i can't explain.

*name changed to protect identity, but to keep rhyme-scheme.

What I really want.

My friend was over again last night. Let's call him S. He spends most of his time by my house when he's not working.
He said the most amazing thing to me. I was resting on his chest and we were talking, about all sorts of things... his family, high school, random stuff that I can't even remember because I was so exhausted. and he said (while playing with my hair) "You are the most gorgeous, amazing creature ever. I have to use creature because no other word can really suite you. You're so beyond that."
He also said, " You should always feel, and be treated special, because you deserve that and so much more."
and
"You are the only person I know who's outside perfectly matches their inside."
I was blushing the entire time.

He was being so affectionate and honest. I've never felt that, or had that before. I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to bottle that moment and keep it forever. I've never felt that relaxed and comfortable, content. I still don't know what to do with that moment except remember it. In a world where my flaws are all that's deemed important, I found a moment where I had none.. it was interesting to say the least. That's what I want. That's what I deserve.
That type of .... i don't know what to call it.

What would you call it?

I've got job offers

I've got a job offer, and another, and another.

I have a choice now.

But really the most important choice stems from the most recent job offer i had. Today, just a mere hour ago. To teach computers to kids.
Now, the actual job offer isn't anything big, it's what it could mean.
The job is at a school in Manhattan.
L lives and works in Manhattan.
The job isn't very far from him.
I could decide to take this job and move to manhattan, try to work it out with L. Try to have a family.
Or i could continue on the path im on now.
Stay in Brooklyn.
Have semi-scheduled visits. A disjunct family...

I've got job offers, and now I have a choice...

Another guy?

Now, i ask myself. Is it wrong for me to teeter on the verge of a serious romantic relationship with my best guy friend??
He's so damn supportive, and he's always there.
It's terrible and awesome at the same time.
I feel horrible.
Because technically i was cheating.
Emotionally is a form of cheating too.

It's so percise but important.
Emotional support is so important in a commited relationship. I barely got that with L.
Now, by no means am i looking to get into another real "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. NO.
Not now, not ever maybe.
I think i'll just get married one day. Or stay single forever.
But that emotional support is so important.
Im so conflicted.