Maybe its safe to say...

I'm slowly dying. That stress has reached a peak where its physical effects outweigh the emotional.

He's lost all respect for me. Because I haven't kicked him out. And k out up with his shit and still love him, almost unconditionally. 

I'm ready to give up. Because this all seems pointless and it hurts far too much far too many times, for far too long. 

This could be the end. A sour beginning of something that's not me. And a sweet hello to something that will destroy me entirely. 

I wonder what I've done wrong?

I'm very tired today. I find it so odd that every time I get paid somehow, some way I end up being more stressed. I guess it's because I have to take care of bills and I'd rather just avoid them.

I think If I had just enough money to get everything done, this includes little things like laundry and toiletries, then I'd be happy. It's not having enough money and stressing about how I'm going to make an inch stretch a mile that's driving me insane. I'm not comfortable with that.

So this morning when I realized that my check was well below my hopes (not my secret expectations mind you) I started off by advising L of the current financial situation. And he promptly proceeded to shut me down because he didn't want to hear about it.

Basically, I explained to him that I wouldn't have enough money to pay the rent...
(I honestly wanted his feedback on what he thought we should do.. pay some of it? Find out if I could make arrangements? I was just tired of being burdened with all of these "what if's?")
and he got upset and told me to just pay the rent and now worry about everything else like laundry (mind you it's been almost 3 weeks since laundry has been done because the laundry money went to other thing that it shouldn't have. I told him that I might not have enough for event that. And again he proceeded to shut me down stating that he didn't want to know and that I should just pretend he wasn't there.

I broke down. Because all I wanted was to not have to carry this stress by myself. I wanted some type of feedback or support, even if it's emotional. I just wanted reassurance that everything was going to be ok, and that he'd be working just as hard to figure it out. But I didn't get that, because that's not the type of person he is. So here I am 2 steps away from death. Feeling nauseous as fuck and a migraine the size of Africa. (I hope I'm not pregnant, but this has been the 4th day in a row I feel like this).

I'm ready to tell him to pack his things and leave. Because at least if he's not going to be bare minimum emotionally supportive then he's only bringing me down. He thinks I should pretend he's not there, when I think he just shouldn't be. I'm fed up, and there's but so much a girl can take. I've done nothing but supportive and patient with him and he cannot afford me the same. I never make decisions like that on an emotional bend so I'm giving myself the day, maybe even the weekend, to mull it over. I'm not sure if I'm in the right state of mind, considering all this stress, but it's probably the closest I'll get to right at this point. I'd like to go home and sulk about this on my couch but I cannot.

I'm broke and it's only getting worse and I don't know what to do and I'd like to stop being stressed and I just want to curl up in a ball or run away to Australia or finish this sentence but I cannot because my  emotions are bubbling up inside me and I swear I'm going to explode at one point or anther and the holidays are coming up and you know how I get around that time and I just wanted this year to be better and easier, which makes me rethink kicking L out because that would put a rift in the holidays, maybe for new years, ok, I really need a period.

My lunch hour is coming up soon, but I don't feel like eating. I'm thanking the Goddess in my head that the phones are quiet today and that no one is really coming to the window today. What a blessing. I think I could be on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm shaking and I can't really concentrate. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm sure no actual work is going to get done today. This sucks. This really sucks.

Well, I at least need to finish making those calls ....

I also realized - mid rant- that I've gotten fed up with a lot of things in my life. I've slowly stopped talking to my best friend because I just don't want to. Which upsets me, because I wish I could talk to someone but I don't like whining, I like solutions and at this point no one has been able to offer me that so I just stopped asking.

My irritability and emotionalism has lead me to believe that something is wrong with me, but maybe it's just the stress or the bipolar disorder or even the lack of menstruation that I've been experiencing for months because of this damn IUD.

Wow, this is a really long post.

I hate going on a rant about all the bad and stressful things in my life but it seems as though that's all I have. I think that sucks more than anything. I want more than this.

Asking for too much

I thought I started a post about this, but I can't seem to locate it. Maybe it was just an inner dialogue that I wished I had posted. Either way, I have t do this again.

Is it possible that I am asking for way too much from life? Like good shit isn't supposed to kick in until I'm 30 and I'm over here rushing it. Maybe, just maybe,my life is exactly what it's supposed to be and I should just go with the flow... 

Exclustion pt 2

So boredom at work led me to scrolling through a blog about Steno Notepads; because I use them at work, but had no idea what their original purpose was.. this all started because I saw on the cover of the notepad that it had a limited warranty. And I thought 'why the hell would a notebook have a warranty? what could possibly go wrong with it.' Although when I did my research I found out what it's purpose was, I still don't know why it would need a warranty. But I digress. I happened onto a blog that was hosted by blogspot and that made me think about my blog and as I was reading and being thoroughly entertained I saw that I was suppposed to follow up on my "Exclusion" post.

So for the update:

I've deleted my social media websites from my phone and I haven't been on them from my laptop at all really. The only exception was when a good friend of mine from Mexico City (let's call her M) contacted L because she was worried about me. I was honestly shocked because I didn't think anyone actually cared.
No one else came looking for me. I was happy that she had, oddly enough she was the only one I thought about during my hiatus. Surprisingly she was also trying to contact me because she's coming to visit in July. I'm SO HYPED!! It's going to be great to have a friend out here, even if it's just for a while.

All in all I feel like the social media experiment was a success. It's given me time and brain space to focus on myself and wallow in my own despair without having everyone elses "good time" acting as acid on my wounds. It's also allowed me to appreciate my little successes because I wouldn't have been able to identify them otherwise. Will I ever go back to social media?

Maybe when I graduate from college.. or get married.. or have another child... or maybe once I've done all three. Or maybe never. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Seriously. At first I liked being able to keep up on what my friends were up to but at this point it feels worthless. I don't know how to explain how I feel about it exactly because it's so complicated. But I feel as though I'd be fine without it and I think that's a good thing. However, what I should do is update my profile with my correct phone number and email address and home address for that matter in case anyone wants to reach out to me.

But I have a feeling like everything else will align itself and I'll move into the space in my life where I feel comfortable and I've made friends that I can hang out with and do fun things with. All good things...

Exclusion

So first and foremost I have to apologize for those who wished this blog had more photos.. Maybe one day I'll get to that point. I'd also like to post my video diaries on here at some point in time, but for now, sorry not sorry.

So.. I know I've written about this topic before but it's crossed my mind and it seems a little bit even more prevalent again. So I guess rather than allude to it I'll just put it out there. I'm fucking lonely. I'm such an outsider.

Frankly put I find it hard to find a place to fit in. And with that, I find that I am excluded from most things.

I don't know what it is... am I too Intense? Intimidating? Forgettable? Not funny enough? Not flexible enough? Too poor? Too depressed? Too weird?

I honestly don't fucking get it.. I feel like no matter what I'm invisible. Seriously.

Take this blog for example, I've tried almost everything to get it a little attention on here, even though it's very personal and I'm not really that interested in people I know reading it - I'd like for people I don't know to.. but nada. Of course the internet is a big place so maybe this is a bad example.

So I'll try using any activity or group I try to associate with. I never fit in, and for the most part people forget about me and then lie about forgetting. It's kinda sad.

I can't even make new friends.

I'm even invisible in my relationship, I find myself feeling lonely because there is no more soul connection. Not sure what happened.

Even the other day I was speaking to my best friend and I didn't feel a soul connection. It was heartbreaking (even though I know it was all my imagination.. I hope)

I find that I feel like a damn outcast. Is it because I complain too much?

Is it because I have too many reasons too complain. Can't put my finger on it....

I'm thinking about deleting my social media sites anyway. I don't any type of enjoyment from them to be honest, and there's no socializing done on there. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that right now.
Oddly enough my phone restarted.... weird... but I feel  little better now, albeit more isolated.

I think I'd like to cut a lot of people out of my life. Mostly because they're a waste of space. Not that everyone in your life should be doing something for you - but they should be serving a purpose to enrich your life through friendship or companionship.
(p.s. I've signed up on a pen pal website.. am I pathetic or what???)

I just can't shake this hole in my heart. It's sad. For some reason I feel like further isolation might make me feel better. Maybe I'll be able to at least rid myself of negative energy that comes with having people in your life that just don't give a fuck... Honestly I don't really know.. guess I'll have to follow back up on this in a month.