Exclustion pt 2

So boredom at work led me to scrolling through a blog about Steno Notepads; because I use them at work, but had no idea what their original purpose was.. this all started because I saw on the cover of the notepad that it had a limited warranty. And I thought 'why the hell would a notebook have a warranty? what could possibly go wrong with it.' Although when I did my research I found out what it's purpose was, I still don't know why it would need a warranty. But I digress. I happened onto a blog that was hosted by blogspot and that made me think about my blog and as I was reading and being thoroughly entertained I saw that I was suppposed to follow up on my "Exclusion" post.

So for the update:

I've deleted my social media websites from my phone and I haven't been on them from my laptop at all really. The only exception was when a good friend of mine from Mexico City (let's call her M) contacted L because she was worried about me. I was honestly shocked because I didn't think anyone actually cared.
No one else came looking for me. I was happy that she had, oddly enough she was the only one I thought about during my hiatus. Surprisingly she was also trying to contact me because she's coming to visit in July. I'm SO HYPED!! It's going to be great to have a friend out here, even if it's just for a while.

All in all I feel like the social media experiment was a success. It's given me time and brain space to focus on myself and wallow in my own despair without having everyone elses "good time" acting as acid on my wounds. It's also allowed me to appreciate my little successes because I wouldn't have been able to identify them otherwise. Will I ever go back to social media?

Maybe when I graduate from college.. or get married.. or have another child... or maybe once I've done all three. Or maybe never. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Seriously. At first I liked being able to keep up on what my friends were up to but at this point it feels worthless. I don't know how to explain how I feel about it exactly because it's so complicated. But I feel as though I'd be fine without it and I think that's a good thing. However, what I should do is update my profile with my correct phone number and email address and home address for that matter in case anyone wants to reach out to me.

But I have a feeling like everything else will align itself and I'll move into the space in my life where I feel comfortable and I've made friends that I can hang out with and do fun things with. All good things...

Exclusion

So first and foremost I have to apologize for those who wished this blog had more photos.. Maybe one day I'll get to that point. I'd also like to post my video diaries on here at some point in time, but for now, sorry not sorry.

So.. I know I've written about this topic before but it's crossed my mind and it seems a little bit even more prevalent again. So I guess rather than allude to it I'll just put it out there. I'm fucking lonely. I'm such an outsider.

Frankly put I find it hard to find a place to fit in. And with that, I find that I am excluded from most things.

I don't know what it is... am I too Intense? Intimidating? Forgettable? Not funny enough? Not flexible enough? Too poor? Too depressed? Too weird?

I honestly don't fucking get it.. I feel like no matter what I'm invisible. Seriously.

Take this blog for example, I've tried almost everything to get it a little attention on here, even though it's very personal and I'm not really that interested in people I know reading it - I'd like for people I don't know to.. but nada. Of course the internet is a big place so maybe this is a bad example.

So I'll try using any activity or group I try to associate with. I never fit in, and for the most part people forget about me and then lie about forgetting. It's kinda sad.

I can't even make new friends.

I'm even invisible in my relationship, I find myself feeling lonely because there is no more soul connection. Not sure what happened.

Even the other day I was speaking to my best friend and I didn't feel a soul connection. It was heartbreaking (even though I know it was all my imagination.. I hope)

I find that I feel like a damn outcast. Is it because I complain too much?

Is it because I have too many reasons too complain. Can't put my finger on it....

I'm thinking about deleting my social media sites anyway. I don't any type of enjoyment from them to be honest, and there's no socializing done on there. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that right now.
Oddly enough my phone restarted.... weird... but I feel  little better now, albeit more isolated.

I think I'd like to cut a lot of people out of my life. Mostly because they're a waste of space. Not that everyone in your life should be doing something for you - but they should be serving a purpose to enrich your life through friendship or companionship.
(p.s. I've signed up on a pen pal website.. am I pathetic or what???)

I just can't shake this hole in my heart. It's sad. For some reason I feel like further isolation might make me feel better. Maybe I'll be able to at least rid myself of negative energy that comes with having people in your life that just don't give a fuck... Honestly I don't really know.. guess I'll have to follow back up on this in a month.