An introspective essay by: Khadija Charles > that weird girl that
people really like but tend to forget about.
With all of the innovation that is going on
in social media it’s hard to admit that I am friendless. How so, you ask. Well,
yeah, I’ve got tons of friends on Facebook, and have been working a little
wingspan on Twitter and I’ve also even started dabbling into things like Tumblr and I’ve got an undercover blog on Blogspot
that’s got like 2 fans, and I’ve got a work-in-progress blog on WordPress, but
I don’t have friends.
What I do have is a best friend that lives
all the way in Seattle and a “friend-of-emotional-convenience” that I’m having
a hard time navigating my friendship with. However, that’s not to say that I
don’t have people I know and like and actually consider my friends in my
lonely, fiendish mind but don’t actually feel like they are when you realize
you barely speak to each other. I’m closer to my estranged father than I am
some of these “friends”. I’ve realized, over time, that I’m very friendly and
people like me. People think I’m cool, interesting, and from time to time
oxymoronic by being mysterious and open all at the same time; this leaves me
being quite memorable. However, I’m also (very oxymoronically) forgettable. For
a while I couldn’t figure out why and then an experience with getting
employment made it all very clear.
In the state of New York, in order to work
with children you have to complete a special type of background check. This one
specifically checks your background for any instances of child abuse or
maltreatment in your home as well as ANY home you’ve lived in for the past 28
years. Now, I never had any problem with this clearance because I don’t have
any child abuse in my background, as well I’ve always only went back 10 years
because everything after that gets fuzzy. However, this time, this company was
requiring my entire 22 years of life in addresses. For most people this
wouldn’t be an issue, but for me there were two things wrong with completing
this form. One: I’ve lived in over 40 different places (5 different states 20
different cities) and Two: close to half of those places were domestic violence
shelters (where the addresses have to stay confidential for the security of the
women). I struggled, but eventually I got the information. It took a lot of
sleuthing into my childhood emails and Google Maps, but I did it. Nevertheless,
I digress; this is just a part of the problem. The problem that I realized I
had was that with all the moving around I've done, I’ve conditioned myself to
be the way that I am now. I’ve conditioned myself to be an oxymoron.
Wait? What? How? I know that’s the first
three words that pop up in your mind, unless you’re a psychiatrist then you’re
like, “I knew it!” Nevertheless, I’ve literally became what I despise most
about my life right now and why I feel like I no friends. I’ve come to find
that in my childhood, because I got used to the pattern of moving around a lot,
it became easier for me to adjust to making (and losing) friends that way. I
could make friends easily because they felt comfortable with me and it was easy
for them to move on (making it easier for me to) if they could forget me just
as easily. I might have left an impression, or a moment that they might call
upon when they think of their childhood with a nostalgic smile and a soft
chuckle, but at the end of the day, there's no hard feelings. This worked a lot
in my younger years, and got more complicated to achieve as I got older and as
technology came into play because now these friends wanted to “keep in touch”.
However, I was just left to bear witness to their lives and how they’ve moved
on. I ended up feeling resentful and jealous realizing that nothing can replace
a friendship that is solidified by proximity and time. Therefore, no matter how cool, sweet, or funny I was
people just wouldn’t go the extra mile to keep up an active friendship with me.
Moreover, as time went on, I became harder
to want to be friends with. My life
was just too complicated and too depressing. Then I discovered a few
other issues that played a major factor into my lack of friends. I was
suffering from Bipolar Disorder. So in a nutshell I was essentially a nut case.
I can’t handle my emotions effectively and end up pulling into myself and
pushing others away. In an effort to not burden people with my illness or my
problems I saved them the text message breakup and just faded away. In doing
that I missed out on a LOT of things, a LOT of opportunities, and a LOT of
friendships. Another issue that I noted was that I’m just an oddball. I look
very young, and most of the time I act very young, but I’m stepping into that
weird ADULT threshold where I can act
older than I actually am. I can engage in older activities, but at this point
don’t have anyone to engage with. I
wrote a poem called “Weird” that was about this predicament (kind of)
*warning there are expletives*:
People are weird.No let me rephrase that.I'm weird. I'm not like other people.
I don't have friends. I don't go out. I don't retell stories that start with, "I remember that time when I...when we...when this..."I don't hang out or chill or "Hey, let's do (insert awesome activity) at/on/this (insert time/day of week/month/year/season).I don't have raging Facebook posts/pics of all the places I've gone/things I've done.
Don't have rings/necklaces/bracelets or tattoos/piercings from when I went (insert awesome place).I'm fucking boring.
I don't have a black book, notches in my belt, or reasons to get dirty looks.
I don't live on the edge or between the lines.
I don't have a tag that says, "I'm cool because I've been/done/had/went/saw/was a part of... etc."I don't have a tag that says, "I'm uncool because...." you get the point.
I'm just here.Not really doing one thing or another. Not really being one thing or another. Not really fitting in, but not really sticking out. Like shit. What am I really? I guess, I’m just weird. Because I'm not weird, and I'm normal, I'm like oatmeal. Kind of bland, but I've got a dash of cinnamon and sugar so I'm not all that bad, but still there's no bang...This needs to change.
I ponder a lot on this, well mostly on that last part. How can I
change this? How can I over turn years of habituation? And yet, before I even
delve into that I have to ask myself, why is this an issue? What’s wrong with
being a loner and having no friends? What’s wrong with just staying home and
playing Lego’s with my 1 year old or gorging myself with all my favorite shows
on Netflix? Well, because that’s just no way to live, especially not for a 22
year old. I was always one to preach on the soapbox that my life wasn’t over
just because I had a child. And it’s not, especially when you have people
waiting in the wings to babysit. If the opportunity arises I should be able to
jump on it like a San Fran streetcar! But here’s the kicker, it has, and I just
let that streetcar pass me by. I live in New York City! There’s no way that I
shouldn’t be able to get myself out there and MAKE friends and ENGAGE in cool
activities, but I can’t. Why, you ask? Well to be frank, I’m scared. And I
don’t know how. These past few years have brought on a lot of changes,
especially emotional ones. These changes that have turned me into a shadow of
the person that I used to be, and I can’t get past that. This talent that I’ve
cultivated over the years has left me hollow and shy, really shy. To top it off the problems just keep piling up and the
stress just keeps pushing me down. Every once in a while I raise my hand up to
ask for help and it just dangles there in the breeze, waiting. No response.
This in turn pushes me farther down than I was before. And as easily as I found
it to train others to forget me, I have started to forget myself. This need to
change.
If you can identify with some of the things I
have talked about and are looking to come out of your shell you can find me at:
You can
also contact me if you are interested in being a part of a documentary I am
going to be
working on about slipping through the cracks.
