Hot fucking mess

Originally written last week Thursday.

I'm still on the damn train and it's oddly still packed. What is NYC?? How the hell is this even possible??

Oh well, I just realized how exhausted I really am. And to be quite honest I don't feel like I did shit. Damn. Time flies by so fast when you're hoping it doesn't.

Ive been wanting to write for some time because I've had novels in my head. I need to go back to just writing random shit in my book. I can't wait till I'm done with this job. Although it might a pathway to different kinds of stress, it's going to be a huge weight off my shoulders. I've never willing decided to be unemployed or to be a full time student. But something told me to stop fucking around. I have every right to want to be a dedicated mother and student. I deserve to be able to pursue my dreams of having my own business. I am worth a real shot after fulfillment. It might be tough at first, but something's telling me this is always where I'm meant to be.

The title goes here, but I put it down there

Mo' money Mo' problems no money no problems

For some odd reason I feel like all my bad luck came with this new job. Like, getting a higher job title and a serious pay increase wasn't actually life changing in the good way that I would've expected it to be.
As well, I feel like every day I'm still at this job just means more hardship for me.

I just feel feel like the minute I've reached my last day will be the day that everything just stops. And the sky clears and all of a sudden something amazing and unexpected happens.
Whats more weird is that I always expected that with more income I could do more things, but in fact I just became more limited in what I was able to do. It seems like more just wasn't enough. Which really got me thinking maybe I'm just getting my money from the wron place, and I need to be making my own money. Because other people's money hasn't done me any good.

I had had so many good things planned and each and every one of them failed on me.

Ive put some thought into this theory that my job is the route of all evil, lol (jk, but maybe so... 🤔)
but it might also be ill-will that people I worked with wished on me, so I need to get away from those people or person... 😒

Ive got a little over a week left now. I'm so anxious. The first thing I'm going to do is my homework.

Morbid News

Originally written a week ago.

So. I finally went to see a doctor for my Feritility.

And I learned a lot of eye opening news, the biggest one was that I was....
...

morbidly obese..

shit I didn't think I looked morbidly obese but apparently I'm more than just fat and I'm most definitely not pregnant (even though she didn't do a test, not that it mattered just got my period and I don't think I'm special enough for a miracle baby)

So my BMI is 39. Click that link if you wanna see what it means or why it means I'm over over weight. I'm not even obese... I'm morbidly obese..... Shit I could die at a moments notice, but I somehow managed to run to meet my coworker by the train station. 🤔

Im not sure how to process the information because I already knew I was fat. Like seriously. Even though I made excuses for not losing weight and I pretty much ignored it, doesn't mean I was ignorant. However what I didn't know was that it (along with my stress) was probably what was causing me to be inferitle. Makes sense considering I was waaaayyyy less fat when I got pregnant with both Olivia and the second time.

In addition, I also found out that I'm high risk because of Olivia's birth. The GYN said she wouldn't dare let me have a natural birth if I got pregnant and stayed with her... But I'm tired of those scare tatics, if I do eventually get pregnant, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. But first, I've got to loose weight.

I wish i could could just take a vitamin and poof! Or I wish I could at least find time and energy for an activity that I liked. I miss biking, but I would be able to loose the weight I needed with just that.

I know I need to change my diet but I already have a love/hate relationship with food. If I try eating 100% healthy, I probably won't eat at all.

I'll have to find some solution, because I can't stay fat ... Sorry morbidly obese...forever and I want to be able to buy nice clothes...

The misadventures of me

It's my second week of classes and although I'm not caught up on my reading or homework, I feel so much like I'm back to myself. Being a student has always been one of my most enjoyed activities.. except for when I'm in a class I can't stand or understand. But the benefit of being a college student ( at least at the school I go to now) is that I can PICK MY CLASSES!!! Oh what a fucking feeling. I love Brooklyn College, but those Core Classes were threatening to kill me.

anywhoville. This afternoon evening (it's fucking 11 at night) I found myself at a Halal truck (because I'm trying to swear off McDonalds again) and I had the "pleasure" (?) of not only giving a (possibly intoxicated) white man the money that he dropped on the floor back, but I also got suspiciously hit on by the Halal cook. *kanye shrug*

i told L about it, but he I think he assumes something more elicit was afoot. It wasn't.. or maybe I'm just oblivious. I really just want to get home. This train is oddly packed for this hour. Like seriously!! WTF??!! Ok, it's only 10:44.. but it's not like it's 4 or 5 o'clock. Why are so many people just now heading home??! And I can't eat my gyro because I'm a train packed like this, it's just plain disrespectful. And I don't like eating in an uncomfortable situation. I rather write a blog post.

Parenting 101

Olivia goes to a school that's down to earth, but what I'd like to call for worldly people. Not really for people like me.

people who work hard but still live in struggle city.

Its for those stay at home, independent worker duos. Where one parent has a lofty and maybe demanding job and the other has the full time job of keeping shit together.

I always wanted that, but I was born black and poor so that wasn't going to happen. The Universe constantly whispers, "Thanks for trying though..." However as I struggled to get Olivia to school be a supportive parent, then shuffle her to a babysitter and try to be an appropriate employee.. I realized. This shit isn't for you girl.
I have two choices.. Drop work and take care of my child, myself, my life.. And pave the path I always wanted my way.. Or give in to being a zombie and maybe consider sending Olivia to live with another person. (Or prostitute so that I can afford a full time babysitter, but I'm not too fond of that option.)

anyway long story short... After having a breakdown at work I realized I had to put in my notice. I can't do this anymore. This job has been killing me for the past 6 months, and it's not getting any better. I'm crushed emotionally, creatively, and a little professionally. I've been drowning and I can't get my footing right anymore. I'm not properly equipped for the height of stress this job has placed on me. So rather then eventually slip into psychosis, I'm going to fall back.

Olivia said something to me that got me really inspired to do this, she asked me : "Mommy are you going to leave me?" And I said, "No of course not" and she replied, "you're going to stay with me forever..? " and simply said "forever and ever...."

Olivia's first day of school

Olivia is the only black kid in her class, maybe the only black child in the school.

But at least she's not the only person of color. Although no ones quite her skin tone..

She he had a tough start, but I think she'll be fine. I really like the school. And she really likes it as well.

her first day made me realize ONE major thing....

im doing this parenting thing ALL wrong.

Writing

I'm going to start writing my novel. For real this time.
ive already got a title and I don't know why this title is lit, but it's lit. Well now that I think about it, this could very well be my book. ......

who knows...

but ive felt like writing recently. Furious typing and editing and melting and sewing together a wonderfully good story.

I recently realized that I haven't been able to write fiction because I've lost the fairy tail in my life. I'm surrounded by reality and its mind crushing. While having sex I was inspired, and that inspiration felt great.
I was inspired by a symphony of words that were the echo of my real experiences. I am thoroughly suprised at my real voice.

I'm so fat I look pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if I was and my body was just playing cruel tricks on me making me think I wasn't. I've plenty of dreams where that's the case. But I don't think I'm that special. I just think I'm stressed and the stress is manifesting as a ball of fat on my stomach.
I spend a lot of time not hiding it, I'm sure people are wondering. No one has asked, but I wonder how I'll answer if/when they do. Would I say I'm 3 months along? Or just say... Nah I'm fat. I really thought about this and decided to say I've been trying and the vitamins I'm taking have made me really bloated but I'm keeping my fingers crossed... That's a lie, but a good one.

I think I have an affinaty for good lies. They're just enough inside the realm of belivability that they almost don't seem believable. However it would be odd to deny that it couldn't be true. Only my mom and brother and maybe L is fully aware of my ability, so I get away with it most of the time. I don't like to lie really, but telling people my personal business doesn't seem like the best choice either. Lies can sometimes be easier to explain then the complicated truth... Who's got time for that?? I was telling people L and I were engaged waaaayyyyy before we actually were, and now look at us. *kanye shrug*

back to writing...

The monster is me

Originally written about a month ago:

If I didn't hate cigarettes so much I'd be a chain smoker for sure.

I Don't feel it's my fault that I'm not happy.
Its just my life. I have every right to be stressed and I hate feeling like I don't.
I put up with a lot of stuff, and I always seem to find myself fighting by myself. Struggling by myself, stressing by myself. I might as well be by myself right.

i wrote this last night actually. I'm was having a bad day and I got into an inevitable argument with L (well rather he said something that didn't sit right with me., actually infuriated me) and I ended up leaving the house for a while. He was upset because its dangerous out here (it is actually) and I didn't tell him where I was going (I actually got a slushie and walked around the block and then sat and drank it until my phone died). I was mad because whenever he's upset or just needs to chill he can go smoke and be fine, and I'm just stuck here with all my stress and pent up feelings. And then he always blames me for being upset. What the fuxk does he expect?
Well eventually I went back home and he talked to me about it. Whatever, he made a point, but I'm not sure how much I believe him. It's just who I am and he's got to suck it up, at least until I get medicated. But in the heat I took my ring off and I thought I put it back on this morning but I didn't. And I'm not sure if it's still by the sink where I originally left it. 😪 Sigh.

The right habd

Originally written a week ago:

It's been several months of disgusting depression. It's like everything seems to be going wrong. And I can't get a leg up no matter what I do. I'm trying to take it in stride, day by day.
But through all of this, there has been some things that have made me feel better.
1. I've started talking to my Best friend again. We haven't gotten to have a full conversation, but I can feel myself calling her. I miss her a lot and it would be good to just shoot The shit and chat. Maybe I'll be back to normal soon?

2. My relationship with L has become so intense, and so beautiful. I don't really know how to explain it.... We talk, and the conversations are amazing. We fight, but it's not heartbreaking. And the sex.. The sex is mind blowing. And he's grown so much emotionally. We still have our faults but, it's not like before. He's so fucking loving and he shows it. I think it's weird, but when everything else is bad... We're good. Sometimes he just touches me and it's a vibe that I can't put my finger on. It's like home. When he have sex, it's making love and it isnt at the same time. It's fierce and it makes me want to write again. It brings poetry to my lips and novels to my hands.
maybe I'm just addicted. Maybe the sex is like magic and I'm under a spell, maybe he's under a spell too... Maybe it'll wear off. But... But. Maybe it won't. Doesn't the saying go, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
and trust me, I'm a big believer in disappointment and I'm such a wuss I'm terrified that he'll change his mind and I'll still be stuck under this spell. But Im so fucking happy with him, I'm so content in my relationship. I can't fucking wait to walk down that eisle towards him, to see his surprised face, to see his excitement, and to feel his heart beating. I dream about that shit. And I'm pretty sure I stopped believing in love.

Well. My right hand is waiting for my left. It's waiting for the tide to turn and for me to grow into the life I'm meant to live.

End of the road

I've never felt more disappointed in myself or my predicament.

Its officially gotten out out of control because I'm at the point where I'd legit sell my body, mind, soul even.. Just to get out. Just to not have to stress about this anymore.
Thats not a good place to be. It's a dangerous place to be. Being fed up is the worst place to be.
But that's where I am. That's how I feel.

Where are the bad people when you need them?

Babies

I've figured out why Im so upset that I can't have another child.

This thought came to me last night after a bought in the bed, where I exclaimed again that L still hasn't gotten me preggo, and he claimed that it's not him. And that perhaps it's the universe saying that it's not the right time. And I thus began to explain that my other pregnancies where not during the right time, but they happened anyway. No matter what the detriment to my self being.

i explain this all to say that it made me think... Why do I care so much??? I honestly don't think having another child both with L and at this point in time isn't a good idea. As well, considering my health and issues with Olivia's health, it's even worse.

I think it's just I'm tired of failing.

Ive always thought that no matter what, it's quite possible that all I was meant to do here on this plane of existence is be a mother. That's it. I'm not here for self fulfillment, not here for love, not here for anything but nurturing.

However, if I can't do that... Then what the hell am I worth? I'm just a piece of toolery.
And it's possible that my linear trajectory is just to serve as an incoherent character in a back story.

Hmmmm....

I try

I've been looking for a psychiatrist. Because I've lost the poetry in my life, in my being, and now that's gone I'll start to deteriorate completely. I'm pretty sure I'm hanging by a thread.

Just because it's going doesn't mean it'll get there

I'm trying to be optimistic. Because there's butterflies every where I look, and my right hand keeps stretching and I'm feeling a little duped by hot weather, however all food things come with a price right? Well I'm hoping not, but the stress and discomfort is still looming.
I tried getting in touch with a psychologist but I think her office might be closed?? Because I've left more messages than I can remember and no one has responded.

It's been day after day that I fee like I'm getting farther away from the things that I thought mattered. I'm betwixt wanting to give every fuck, and not wanting to give a single fuck. It's a tough line...

And fight now now I can't seem to get ahead on any platform. Or focus on any platform. I'm just running like a depressed chicken with no head in no general direction... Probably in circles. I'm hoping for reform, and reprise.

Ive pondered over my life and relationship, and mostly I've come to realize that I'm not only not where I want to be, but I'm not where I should be. I love L, and sometimes he's excellent. Most of the time he's great. But it times he can be so damaging. And I really do have to wonder about what the opposite of his actions would be rather than what his actions are. And then I ask myself how should one act if they really love another one unconditionally. See I love him unconditionally, our relationship may have permitters (but not many conditions) I have expectations (but not many conditions) and that's it. At the end of the day, I somehow manage to still be IN LOVE with him, no matter what. And I don't think I'm getting the same in return. Altough he swears up and down... Do I were ally expect my dream 2018 weeding? No. Do I expect my real engagement ring that he bought? No. Do I expect that we'll get to that ideal that I have in my head about a beautiful wedding on small island off the coast of Honduras, with only a few friends and family? No. Do I expect more children. No. Do I expect the travels, the house, the cars?? No.

But it I do still dream. I don't dare hope, that's for weaklings that don't know what heartbreak means. So I'm grooming myself for heartbreak, while dreaming for love. Everyday is a dance between growth and shrinkage. Not sure who'll win, but I'm prepared for both. If I end up alone, I'll suffice to be lonely. I don't foresee myself going much further then that anyway.

Addiction

Ad•dic•tion (noun) The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity. Synonyms: dependency, dependence, habit, problem...

I didn't think to consider myself an addict but I realized recently that one can be addicted to almost anything. Here are some things I'm addicted to:

• Intimacy : kissing, cuddling, rubbing, holding, being close to another human is like a need. It fuels my blood. It's possible that it could be a sexual need that drives me. Not sure... But I do know that sex isn't an exclusive part of this. I can actually do without sex, but the other stuff... I cannot.
• Pregnancy: this isn't exact, because I've only been pregnant twice, with only one child going to full term. But it's preggo season and I can't stand it. I want a baby in me so bad, it's become ridiculous. I feel so bad that I haven't gotten pregnant yet. What the fuck happened to that: "it only takes once without a condom" bullshit. Shit I feel fertile as fuck and I can't get pregnant to save my life. Every time I try to forget about it, I start having faux symptoms and then my damn period shows up and gets me even more depressed. 
• Alcohol: didn't realize how much I liked this shit. But it really is my go to when shits hits the fan. I'm literally two steps from being an alcoholic. What's even more dangerous is that if I go back on medication then I'll be a druggy/alcoholic who'll eventually be in rehab. So I've gotta watch myself. 
• Writing: whenever I go too long without writing I go insane. Like literally, I lose my shit. Even though I don't do it as often as I wish, it's actually killing me that I'm not. Which is where the depression comes in. When I'm having an attack, it stops me from wanting to do anything. Which in effect make me even more depressed. Hate that shit. 
• Helping people: even to my own detriment. I have no idea how my life will turn out, but I've already realized that it's not my own to enjoy. 
• Love: so much in fact that I can't make sense of what it actually is. Am I in love? Probably... Probably not. I know I'm in love with my daughter, but am I with L? The possibility is high but I could also just be addicted to him. 
• L: this is probably an addition to my love addiction, but for whatever reason I can't seem to figure out my feelings for him. I can get mad at him, but I can't let him go. Sometimes I wonder if our circumstances were different if we'd still be together. I don't like to think about it, but it's the honest truth. 

Its a short list but probably not a complete one. All in all it proves one thing... I'm no less prone to addiction then anyone.

Gone

I wrote this legit post on the damn Blogger app and I forgot to go back in and save it as a draft so it's gone now. I really hate how that happens because I never feel as inspired. Oh well. Essentially I came back because I've been itching to write. It's been extremely tough on me. And I can feel myself falling apart.

ive considered going back into medication. I have no idea how it's going to affect me, but I think I need to at least give it a try. I can't continue to struggle trying to cope. I feel like everyday is challenge not to fail, but I end up just failing anyway.

Lets not even start on my financial situation. This car has taken me out of my mind. Every time things are going beautifully, the car ends up derailing it.

But im almost sure the car is cursed. I never saged it too.

i need my license too. Like I need my license a year ago. I've got to... GOT TO... Get back on track, because if I don't I'm going to go insane.

Stress has moved into every aspect of my life at this point. A large part o my being, has completed given up. But the other past just wants to past this.

can someone just give me money??

Maybe this is and isn't the end

It's been a rough month, week, day... 

There's been betrayal, anger, deaths, anything you can imagine it's here. I've experienced It and I'm fed up. I'm so tired I can't even begin to start a conversation on everything. Let's just focus on the major things:

L-

I think almost 80% of this damn blog is about his ass. Seriously. It's a damn shame that a man can take over so much of me. Never thought it could happen. Anyway long story short were back at odds again. It seems like no matter what I do, it's never enough for him. He's always angry at me in one way or another. I understand his predicament is tough and his male ego is really hurting but he needs to pull it together and start thinking outside of the box. He's so caught up in the "principle" of things that he can't even see opportunities in front of him. He won't get far waiting for the Goddess hersef to take him out of his drowning waters. But there's nothing that say or do that can convince him of that. He's just seems to blame everything else under the sun. He talks big about taking responsibility for his issue, but can't seem to compromise enough to fix it. What kind of shit is that???!!! Anyway, I'm so over it all. I don't even care anymore. He can do what he wants. I need to get my daughter into some type of childcare for the summer and handle my own business because I don't got time or energy to babysit him. 

Work-

I'm over it. Whatever happens, happens. 

Finances-

Over it. 

Car-

Whatever

I need to get my license tho. My test is coming up, but I don't even have my 5 hour!! 

Olivia-

I really need to find her child care. In other news found out she has profound hearing loss in her left ear. Sigh. I. Can't. I just can't. I feel like I'm failing. 

Family-

Done. Over it. No further comments. 

School-

Finally good news! I received the recommendation of a lifetime and found out about The New School here in NYC. Went to an info session today and it's everything I ever imagined. I'm going to start my application when I get home. I can create my own major, there's flexible classes both on campus and online, evening and daytime, full time and part time. I'll be able to work one on one with a counselor the whole time. I can get credits for my life experience. Omg I can't even begin to speak about how happy finding this program makes me. I'm over the moon. In a sea of shit that's my life this is my redemption. THIS. This school will be the new start I so desperately need. I can't wait. The advisor wants me to apply for the Fall!! Let's see what happens. Shit it can't get worse then this. 

It's Ouija

I wonder if it's just me or does anyone else feel like their dying so they go to the doctor and it's as if the problem goes away, it's not even relevant and the doctor makes you feel a little awkward about even brining it up... Causing you to feel as if you need to have your guts laying on the ground before even attempting to bring up any issues ever again. Essentially everything in your life feels de-validated, as if you're living a lie.???

Well that's me.

That's fucking me. 

I'm supposed to be following up with so many things (medically) but I feel like I'm insane now so I'll just let them slip away. 

And then I thought I had a legitimate issue at work, and I did.. I do.. But it's been de-validated so I feel like a shit head. I wanna go hide in a rock. Not that I don't have any reason to be concerned (with that whole debacle I just feel more concerned) but the air around it just let me know I made a mistake talking abut it. It's like in a horror story talking about the ghost dimension or then"other side" makes the ghost, demon, ect. aware of your presence. 

Oh well..???? I guess. I just have to pretend I didn't just metaphysically die today. I have to stop fighting the system. Because it's fucked up in so many ways. 

And now I can't go back. I can't go back to not being sick, or not being broke, or stressed, or worried. I can't go back to not being the black sheep at work.. (Not literally though, half of us are black) but I feel like someone's watching me.. Trying to get me to fuxk up and then proceed to destroy me (I know who it is, and yes she's white) 

I can't go back to being happy. It's almost gone. 

I'm heading towards breakdown valley and I can't stand that. I've got too many pent up emotions and I don't think I'll make it much farther.  I worked so hard to get better. So hard to compromise. So hard to be the perfect thing. Well not perfect, but ideal. Without losing who I am. But now I'm just metaphysically dead. That's it. 

Backtrack

So because the Blogger app is absolute shit I was writing quick post (that I inevitably never got to finish) in my Notes app on my iPhone. So I thought I'd just share those real quick:

May 19th -

It's been a rough few days with a lot of ups and downs. I meant to post during an up moment, but I've been particularly hesitant because of a down. So let me just explain. 

I recently got.  Engaged. 

Yup it happened. 

But before you get all hyped it wasn't out of desperation or whatever. It was because he knew he was going to lose me. 

I originally wasn't going go write it like that, but it's the truth. Otherwise he would've proposed a log time ago. Not to mention a ring fell out the sky.. Meaning I bought it. Actually there's a really interesting story behind the ring.....

I came across this company called Fragrance Jewelry or something like that which sells candles and bath bombs with jewelry hidden in them. I got a coupon and won a little offer which convinced me to give it a try. I thought it must be costume jewelry but it wasn't I got some pretty gorgeous rings out of it. (I got 1 candle, 1 bath bomb and a free gift) payed almost nothing but I had a chance to win a 10,000 ring and I was like YOLO. However I didn't know the events that enfolded after, would and by the time I got the rings I had forgotten about them. And I was still freshly healing from the debacle. But L and i was on great terms, so when he saw it and said, "this would be a great engagement ring right babe?" I thought to myself "well isn't this convenient...." But then he grabbed my had and said, "Khadija Monet Charles will you marry me?" And flashed his ever loving smile, I couldn't help but say yes. And feel happy about it. He's through the roof and so is our families (my moms already started planning.) and even though we don't want to have the wedding until 2018 we can't help but secretly plan ourselves. Because I think it's what we both wanted a long time ago. 

However, there's still so many things wrong going on. Let me break it down. 

1. I can't tell my best friend. Because I feel like she'll be upset, or jealous or skeptical or negative about it. Or whatever, but I've been few if some friction with us recently so I can't really between us 

END

May 25th- 

Well that was fast. 

I hadn't even gotten a chance to post some really interesting news when it was already absolved.

L and I were engaged. (Long story that i don't think I want to talk about anymore) 

All was well, we even started trying to have another child again. 

And then..... BOOM. 

Looks like we're breaking up.

Looks like he can't handle me anymore. 

Looks like he's not a man. 

Looks like I'm just... I'm... I don't know. I can't find a way to not blame him for this. After everything. 

There's no way I can not blame him for this. 

He finally gave up on me. And I shouldn't be surprised, our entire relationship has been a lie. And he's constantly been showing me signs. So whatever. 

I can't even focus on my emotions because I have to think about the practicalities of him leaving. I've spent $$$ on him that I can't get back now. Was dependent on him working and picking up that slack. But now that he'll be out of the picture I've got to pick up the pieces by myself. Hmmmm.

END 

Let's catch up:

I've been gone for some time and I never got to settle some of my mess.

1. I did end up breaking up with L. Only briefly, and it wasn't even after that event. 
2. We got engaged, then broke up, then got back together. 
3. A part of me can't stand him, but I can't be without him. I think that's love.
4. oh.. yeah.. We got engaged. it's actually pretty good. 
5. He's still not working, and it's stills stressing me out. 
6. I'm over here trying to move into 2017 without financial woes, and he's still trying to move up from 2015. 
7. But I still love him. 
8. Oh yea, and I'm still trying to have another baby. 
9. I didn't do anything for my birthday. Happy Belated Birthday to me! (also Mothers Day, because I think I missed that, and Fathers Day... it was jacked up... )
10. I'm not really sure what I'm doing now. 

Now that we're all caught up. I'd just like to put it out there that I'm slowly losing my mind. 

AGAIN!! I don't know how much more of this I can take. Something needs to give. Like yesterday. It needs to give, give, give, GIVE. 

I'm pretty sure that I'm going insane. I'm ripping apart at the seams, and it's affecting my mood like no one's business. I'm trying to be the good guy (girl) here and not push my stress on anyone else. but I just want to yell. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. 

L keeps asking me why I have an attitude, and I just want to yell at him: BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY BY MYSELF!!!

My best friend keeps sending me videos about becoming vegan because I make the mistake of complaining about being sick and fat, and I just want to yell at her: I FUCKING LIKE MEAT, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!! I'M TOO FUCKING STRESSED TO CARE!!

Because that's the honesty of the situation. 

I can't sleep right, I can't think straight, I can't eat right, my emotions are in a tizzy, my brain is fizzy.. (ok, I just couldn't help myself with that)

It's happening again, the depression is kicking in. I can't seem to get my damn shit together. I just need a little bumb. A little... something.. maybe.. a little help. 

Love is Lie

As you must already know. This whole cheating debacle has only escalated.

Wait. Let me break down the series of unfortunate events.

I attempted to not acknowledge L and give myself space to "heal". He wanted to make it up to me, so after much thought, I figured we could "start over".
This included a series of weird text messages that were reminiscent of when we first met, and it was if we didn't know each other. It was actually kind of cute, albeit dorky.

It worked for me because when we headed home I was able to have sex with him without wanting to jump out the window afterward (we even did it twice). We also watched our favorite anime and even cleaned the house together. It was a start. Here's where we made the mistake (that was probably long awaited). We had drinks. Enough to get drunk later on in the night. We had some intimate and soulful conversations. We even talked about the illustrious act of his. We talked about the past and the present and each other, and we then... we talked about what we wanted...

See, L is insistent that he is a man, and that his dick does the thinking sometimes. And essentially he wants to be able to explore that and just that. Meaning he wants to be able to have sex with other women. Tell me about it of course, but essentially keep me his number 1. >.>
I thought about that.. I really thought about it.
But what if I wanted to go outside of the relationship? I like sex too..(I'm not that interested in men anymore so this would mean I'd really be illustrious with other women). Well he said it would be ok. What about other men? He thought he couldn't argue that he would be mad at that if I was ok with his outgoings. >.>
I thought about that.. I really thought about it.
But...
....

I couldn't agree with it. Sex to me is spiritual. And includes the sharing of important energy. If I'm having meaningless sex then I can't be in a relationship and also have meaningful sex. That's just how I'm set up. I've tried that before and it was disastrous for me and my psyche.
He conceded that he felt like I was closing him in, because he follows his dick and not the other way around (he didn't say that but I added it in in my head...).
I thought about that... I really thought about it. 
Then I thought about it some more and decided to table my feelings on that, because it made me feel like ABSOLUTE. SHIT.

Eventually we decided to go to sleep because it was late, and I invited him back into the bed. Because I wanted to confirm my feelings and quite frankly his feelings. We didn't plan on having sex, but I wanted to see if the intimacy was still there. Mind you I was drunk and depressed as fuck by that point in time, so he brought me to the bed and then brought me extra blankets. When I woke up at 4:45 this morning, he wasn't there next to me. He had stayed on the couch.

That, to me, spoke VOLUMES. But I couldn't understand the message. So I went and woke him up and asked him. He looks at me and pulls me towards him to lay down on the 1/3 of the couch that was left. Seemingly like he was just trying to appease me. I stayed there for about . 2 seconds then went back to the bed to sulk and sleep. But I couldn't my mind had already opened the door for anxiety to creep it's way in. and I NEEDED fucking answers. So I went to wake him up again. This time when he tried the same tactic I pulled away. Then he said this jewel: "I didn't want you to feel hurt". >.>
I thought about that. I really thought about it.
and it hurt more than anything could. Because that means he believed the intimacy would create expectations in my mind that he could not fulfill. (maybe, this is my interpretation, but most importantly this how the message felt when it ripped a black hole in my chest).

It was then that I realized that he really did feel trapped by the idea that he couldn't be himself in the relationship or rather he had to be exclusive in the relationship. He doesn't come from a family of "relationships" so the idea was new and uncomfortable to him. So he probably rejected it in the back of his mind. I never realized he felt like this, but it would explain a lot. I actually completely understand and although I was initially angry (I seriously have gone through ALL stages of grief with this one..) I'm not incapable of putting myself in his shoes.

What I am incapable of doing is being the "main" amongst a bunch of others.
And I can't hold him back from finding what works for him. [fucking Coldplay - Fix You is playing right now and I'm losing my shit]

So I think I'm going to break up. At this point in time I've asked him to leave. I'll post the letter after this one (I think I've figured out how to do that properly). And I'll have to take things one day at a time. So much for my happy, so much for my love. I guess I'm just not enough for anyone.

And actual goodbye letter

Dear L,

I left for work early, needed to lick my wounds. I think you should pack your things and leave. {i know i wasted no fucking time} I don't want to cage and/or trap you. And I can't handle another infidelity (even with prior knowledge). I try to. I tried to be someone who I am not for you. I was going to try and compromise EVERYTHING, sacrificing sanity int he process. For you. Because I love you. And I always will  {this is true}, but that's not enough. But I understand. I can't blame you. And I appreciate your honesty. Let's not pretend any longer, because inevitably you'll continue to hurt me, whilst trying not to hurt me. I am damaged enough.
Take the car. I've got public transport. You can either spend more time with Olivia or bring her back this weekend. Keep the key, you're always welcome. Take the suitcases or whatever if you'd prefer to stay... I'll leave. If you want to talk we can, but not until later my heart needs emergency repairs.

Take care of yourself.

Here's the magic

Dear L,

You'll probably never see this. And I kinda hope you don't. Because I don't want you to feel pressured. I don't know why I feel the way I do, why I feel so sure. Or maybe it's that I don't feel sure. I don't feel sure that you feel the same way I do, have the same commitment as I do. But can't really vouch for how you really feel.  

I have to be honest though because I've been lying to you for some time now....

I don't want to be your girlfriend...

I want to be your wife. 

And not in the sense that I've been performing under this entire time. I want to move into the next part of our relationship. Maybe I just want to be reassured that you do love me for me and not for my convenience. 

I've realized over time that no matter what has Happened with us or between us I still love the fuck out of you. If we part today, I'll still love the fuck out of you.    If I pass or heaven forbid you pass, I'll still love the fuck out of you. You are my best friend man. Shit, you've worked your way so far into my blood.... 

Don't get me wrong I understand how non important being recognized by the government is, but that's now why I want to get married. (Trust me I'm terrified of fucking it up..) the reason why is because I want to feel reciprocated in these feelings.. 

Well that's a little bit of a lie.

 I want the world to know our love is reciprocal. I want to feel special. I want to feel like against all odds you'd choose me. 

Eh, I'm sappy I know. I can't help it, I've never experienced "love" in my family. I don't think many people in my family love their significant others. Maybe they used to, but it sure doesn't look like it anymore. I guess I kinda want to prove that ideal wrong. That love does exist and I've got it. I'm not a failure and what my heart feels is true. 

But

I don't want you to marry me for other people and I don't want you to marry me because I said so, or because you feel sorry for me. 

No

I want you to be sure, and honest with yourself. And I want you to work hard for it. To put it, no, US above it all. And to put all your effort and energy into manifesting the beauty that's within our possibility. 

But

That's for you to decide. 

I just want you to know, I love you. You've seriously brought out the best in me. I learned how to accept and experience things I never thought I would with you. And whatever you decide I'll be happy with, I just hope that you'll make decisions that'll make me happy. 

Sincerely,

Love is abstract

I'm gonna post this first. Then post my letter to L. Just because I'm fucking cynical. And it feels like it'd be a nice surprise. 

So all was well with my return to the US until I found out some nuclear news. 

L cheated on me again. 

It was before I even left the country. 

It was with a Bitch I've met before and regarded nicely. 

It was with said bitch more than once. 

It was a mistake, but there's no mistaking this rapture on my soul. 

Sigh. 

He told me while we were watching a favorite tv show of ours, Awkward. 

 I guess the shit going on in the show hit too close to his guilty conscious. I was in utter shock. I left the apartment and immediately went to drown myself in alcohol. I was alone physically, but I spoke to two friends to help me not fall out and die. 

He expressed how terrible he feels. How much he loves me.. How much he fucked up.  Yada, yada...

Whatever. 

The worst part is that I really do love that asshole. I wanted to marry him. Have another child..... But. 

Whatever 

Food... for thought

The hardest thing about this trip is the food deprivation. Grenada doesn't really have a national food style perse, there's fruits and stuff like that that are native to here, but it's not like Columbia.. even though Colombian food is essentially spanish, each Spanish Isle has it's own "style" of food. Or like China and Chinese food or Italy and Italian food. You get what I mean.
I've just come to realize that I miss "American" food, which isn't really American, I guess, I just miss the diverse selection I'd have. But let's back this train up a bit.
See I'm staying with family, which I'm eternally grateful for (even though they may not think it...) But that also means I'm at the mercy of what they have and/or what they cook. I HATE to be a bother, so I try not to ask for anything specific. I really didn't want them going out of their way to spend extra money trying to make me feel culinarily comfortable. However come to find since their fridge wasn't working they didn't have much of anything. So I've been semi-starving myself. This is only made worse by my bad habit of eating all the shit in sight (because even though I obtain enough sustenance to survive my stomach still feels deprived #privalgeproblems).
Plus I love food and I've just been craving something entirely satisfying. My aunt made a meal the second day we were here and it was bomb.com.
But now all I want is Chinese food.. or dominican food.. or a fucking grilled cheese. Or a fresh bagel. (eh, I could do without the bagel, but some homemade {microwaved, Quaker, cinnamon and sugar} oatmeal would be nice). yummmmmmm food.

A nice cool - medium temp would be nice too.

But more than anything I've come to truly appreciate my home. (im kidding i've always had the utmost appreciate for my 4 corners...)
The social awkwardness of being in someone else's home, especially with a rag-tag 3 year old Leo (God I'm ready to ship her to another island) is almost too much to bear. I'd like to hope that I'd never made anyone feel this way (but maybe I have...eh.. I don't think so..but I also have limited space and very peculiar man living with me.)
The hardest part is I don't know what's expected of me, or what's not expected of me. Sends my anxiety into a fucking tizzy. I don't like being uncomfortable. That's all that it really boils down to.

But back to food. A good Grandma slice would hit the spot.

Is it you? Or is it these damn chemicals in my brain?

Ever since I've been on this trip and away from L, I've been all in my feelings about everything. For the most part I miss him and he misses me. He tells me everyone thinks he looks lonely and sad.
I can't wait to see him again. I really do miss spending time with him. It's got me thinking about us and our future, but I really should put a hold on all of that thought and talk. I know we're not going anywhere near the next level until he's working and making steady (good) money. And I know a big contribution to that is his addiction to MJ so.... yeah...
However I've decided to move forward with my life and relationship goals so that's why I'm trying for another baby. [this is on top of going back to school, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, so I'm about to make #blackgirlmagic happen].

What's been bothering me is that i've also been really emotional recently. I was fine a few days ago. I spoke with L and it was good to hear his voice, but talking only made me miss him more. In addition it's like everything here is making me emotional. Every time I turn around SOMETHING IS MAKING ME SAD. I had a damn anxiety attack yesterday after an I went into the kitchen to get something to eat and my uncle questions what I was in there for. my mind immediately went into the self conscious mode where I second guessed everything and although i'm not sure how he actually meant his inquiry it still hurt my feelings and I ended up going to bed hungry. I told L about how i felt and he basically ignored it. This only sent me tumbling into a spiral of emotions. Further exemplified when I woke up. I decided to give him a call since Olivia wanted to talk to him and he seemed upset when he answered.  He was dismissive and almost angry. He said he was tired and i know he's not a morning person but he didn't even bend for Olivia, he was just..... idk done.. idk.
That hurt me more than anything, and that hurt turned into worry and of course the inevitable self consciousness, all sorts of crazy ideas popped into my head and I don't like (or trust) any of them.
Can't pin point the real issue. Maybe it's because i'm hungry. Haven't had a really satisfying meal in a while. And there's no snacks for me to eat my feelings away. It could also be that I'm pregnant (that would definitely set my emotions into  tizzy and make me highly irrational).
But L has not yet called me back.... so who knows. I won't bother him until it's time for me to go back home.  I think I'll just get cozy with my own thoughts... sigh.

Vacation!

For the first time in foreverrrrrrrr. I've taken a vacation to visit my family in Grenada. It's a robust 8 day's, which to some sounds like not enough time, but it's more than enough for me. Just considering that work is at it's height and it's Olivia's first time, anything longer than that I'd need to be more prepared for. So maybe next year we can do a little longer.

But the trip so far has been amazing. Olivia is having great time. It's good to see everyone and everyone enjoys meeting Olivia. We went to the beach yesterday and had a excellent time. Only downfall is that Olivia got a really high fever last night (104) and we had to pat her down with ice rags. It was so bad and she was shaking and crying, but thankfully my aunt really put in the work and got her fever down. She's looking much better today.

Overall, I'm looking forward to a really great time. I'll have to come and post some pics when I get back home. I'm also going to do one large post with my day to day break downs.

I wish I had a GoPro. The videos would've been out of this world.

It has been written

Something compelled me to come in and write. Oh heaven knows what. I've lost touch with why I kept talking about myself and my life. I've been asking myself if I can only writing about things in my life than are complicated and when it's too good or too bad, I don't write at all.. 

I wonder. 

Well regardless of that, everything is fine. 

I got a car. 

Woot woot!

And I'm going on a vacation to Grenada.

I also got my passport. 

Woot woot! 

So yeah. 

In other news particularly why I chose to write now, is because I'm at the doctors. I'm getting my IUD taken out. 

Meaning, I'd like to have another child.

I've thought about it, and I feel it's best that I'm younger  (before my life blows up and I'm completely unable to)

I'm trying to go back to school as well, and it would be easier to do it pregnant than with a Newborn. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like it's the right time. 

I did want to get married first. But I might still have to wait until I'm pregnant for that. Damn L. 

I don't want to rush him, but I also don't want him to feel like I don't care enough that he can take his sweet time. 

Either way, I'm gonna take my chances and see what happens. L and I have been well, in terms of our relationship. I can see he loves me, even when he's being a dick. I love him as well, even when he's being a dick. 

He's stated working again, so that could contribute to his upgrade in mood. Who knows, I just know I'm marginally happier. And that's a win. 

I'd like to say I'd try and write more, but that's a bold face lie. We shall see.....

Good things can actually be good

This post was originally for February.

I haven't written in a while. Not because shit has hit the fan, or because they're terribly great. In some ways things still suck. But not everything. And im thankful for that. For the most part it's all goodie. 

Oh Happy New Year. I know it's almost Feb. so I'm so fucking late. 

I've been crazy and secluded because of work. It's been taking SO MUCH ENERGY. But I still love the shit out of my job tho. So yes to that shit. I'm gap for that reason. 

Overall aside from that. I'm not half bad. Things are in a limbo. I'm really waiting for L to start working so that I can breathe. But things have been going well in that aspect I guess. I don't know.