Tried, and tired

I've finally come up for air!!

I've been so swamped with work and the holidays and what not. It's been real. Really real. Oh speaking of which, Happy Holidays (which ever you celebrate)! Merry Christmas and Happy Yule for me. Happy New Year! 

So let's do a quick recap. 

Christmas was great (as good as it could be.. ) my family came over (mom, brother, sister in law, cousin). It was quite wonderful. I cooked a succulent dinner. (With help from my mom) and Olivia had a grand time opening gifts (she made a huge mess). But all in all it was awesome. 

In other x-mas news, I got 2 kittens!! I'm so in love with them, look!

Our tree!!! It's much better in person. ;)

Yahoo playing with a feather

Yogurt under the tree.. chillin

Their names are Yogurt and Yahoo. And they're actually the real reason I'm here, but I want to make sure I've gotten the updates out of the way......... Ohhhhhh. 

My mother took the liberty of adding extensions (synthetic hair braids) into my 3 year old daughters hair. She didn't ask, she didn't say anything to me or L and I'm livid. The least she could've done was  ask.... Extensions were at the top of my No-no list and she knew that! She did this shit behind my back on purpose and it's so upsetting. A few days ago we were planning a New Years party, but I was really upset with her, she hasn't called me at all. I don't care much. She really broke my trust on a superficial level, she has to really watch what she does in terms of Olivia, because I'm not playing that shit.

So back to Yogurt and Yahoo ( oh I almost forgot Yogurt is the playful girl, Yahoo is the suave boy)... I got them on Christmas Eve. Didn't intend to get two cats, but not many were available. And Olivia and I bonded to them almost immediately. As well, they're brother and sister so I couldn't separate them (I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, I personally believe 2 kittens are better). Everything was swell, I didn't pay a fortune, (although I did bank myself at negative because of their supplies) Olivia and I had a joyous Christmas because of their addition. Now here's the problem...L.

L doesn't like cats. He explained this, but he also said he was traumatized by the loss of a cat at a young age so that's why he never wanted one again. Then eventually it became "I don't like cats". I was like whatever, I thought he was trying not to be soft. So we had agreed to get a cat. Just one though, but I ended up with 2. He was testy. And he complained and he had a tantrum... He threatened to let them get lost... Yada yada, essentially he's heartless. But he was just ranting. I caught him several times playing with the cats and them enjoying his company. However, he still complains and now he wants me to get rid of them. .........

First, I've made a shit ton... A SHIT TON, of sacrifices and compromises for him.. But he can't bend because he "Doesn't. Like. Cats." ???????????????? We'll get back to this shortly..

Second, I've asked him to do nothing for them. I clean their litter and feed them (like I do almost everything in the house) and Olivia plays and cuddles with them. The only reason he interacts with them is because THEY FUCKING LIKE HIM!!! I don't know why though...... 

Third, he's such a sour ass. 

So back to 1. I'm not mad that he doesn't like cats I'm mad that I put up with this shit for this long and he can't compromise for fucking cats. 

I'm mad that I didn't stop him in his tracks when he got me pregnant, I'm mad that I didn't object to his extreme marijuana habit (that has taken more money out this household then I can count, that has taken money from RENT!!). I'm mad I didn't complain about his laziness or joblessness or the fact that he can't stay at one job, or look for a new one. I'm mad that I didn't throw a tantrum when he made me drop off AND pick up Olivia when all he did was stay in the house all day. I'm mad that I didn't pout when I had to cook AND clean after a long days work, while I was sick or while I was exhausted. I'm mad that a "man" who doesn't know the meaning of loving commitment and seeing the future in another person and only wanting to share that with them, would drag me along on a goddamn leash and I would walk along obediently. 

I'm mad that I made it this far.. I'm mad that I'm fucking mad. And I feel so mad that I'm bound to do something petty, or say some real shit and he ain't gonna like it. But aside from being mad, I'm fed up. I'm tired of trying so hard to make a relationship out of this co-dependency. He may think that I don't need him, but he has been vital to my emotional evolution. I really do care for him and I only want the best for him, but I feel as though I'm alone in that sentiment. This has been the case for a long time, I've just honestly been playing games. I keep waiting on him to appreciate me, to stand up for his family and be a man, to start acting like he gives a damn, to be responsible, essentially I'm waiting for something that has almost no chance of happening. I can't change a grown person.. I honestly can't change anyone... for any reason. They have to be willing to make adjustments in themselves and L just isn't about that..

I'm really tired of all this..I've tried so hard. 

Another?

So I've been deathly sick this week, so unfortunate. Ugh. I fucking hate being sick, but that's not what this post is about.

In other news, aside from me being extremely sick and complaining (which I have a tendency to do.) L has prosed that we have another baby.

And for the first time, I can honestly say I don't think I'm ready. Well, more honestly, I can say I know I don't want another child right now. Here are a few reasons why:

1) L's still not working. Although my income, could potentially be enough to support us, I don't know if it'll work to our benefit to but ourselves in that predicament.

2) I kinda want the freedom of not having another child to worry about just yet. I'd like to create a savings and splurge on vacations

3) I don't want to jeopardize my new position..

4) I'm not healthy enough or physically fit enough

5) I wanted to wait until Olivia was at least 5..

6) I'm worried about my relationship with L. I was hoping that if that was a decision we were going to make that we'd at least be married or at least feel a little bit more stable. Sometimes I still worry that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us in the future. Sometimes I absolutely love  being with him and it all feels perfect.

For instance when we had this conversation about having another baby, it was him who brought it up. He even thought it would be a girl. He started on dates. He wants to start next year.. January or February. He even thought of names. He really  likes Love Leiva. I suggested we need a middle name and thought of Alexandria. Like Alexandria Love Leiva or Love Alexandria Leiva (although I like the first one better). He was so dreamy eyed and sure. I felt like everything was ok and this was the right next step for us. But I had to be real. I wasn't ready. And I don't think it's the best step for me or us.

I could go on, but honestly I do want more children - I want them more than I want a lot of things. But I'm sensible at heart, and I know that its just not feasible at this point... but i wish...

Repeat.

Ok, I had started writing a post about my latest good news but like a fool who's never used this app before I forgot to save it as a draft once I got above ground. So I lost the draft. Fuck. 

I don't feel much in the mood to write out the whole thing again so I'm gonna truncate it. 

I got a new job. More like a promotion and this change in position comes with a change in title and a change in salary. 

Actually I just realized. Id now be a salaried employee. FUCK YES!!  And I'll also be making almost 3 times what I make now. And to put that in perspective I make about $21,000 now. Ok, not almost... But almost. Just minus 5k from that triple and you've got me. Plus I'll still be at my same department with my same team, same work location (for the most part, I'll be doing some in field work too). #yaaaasssssssss

I'm really excited and I'm ready for some great things. Like a new bra, my license and a car... ( oh I almost forgot, I also got my permit!!! #somuchyes) and vacations. I'll now have vakay days, paid holidays, sick days, paid time off, the lots. Omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news. Not as exciting or life changing but maybe a little life altering. I've come across this thing called Professional Cuddling and it's almost the best thing since chocolate and although I don't think we have those things out here it's lead me to these apps that help people meet to cuddle. Nothin sexual at all, just human contact. It sounds so enthralling, I'm going to try it, hopefully it's not a negative experience. I haven't had time for a cuddle just yet but I can't wait. I'll post more about this in a separate post by itself. 

5 Stages of Grief

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance


I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing at least the first 2 stages of grief right about now. Or an odd mixture of all of them at the same time.

I'm pretty fed up with everything. I've kinda checked out and I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything, almost at all. It's been a really rocky night and an even rockier day. I'd just like to go  home and crawl into my bed and sleep.

Too bad L is sick and I have Olivia to take care of. I'd much rather not have to worry about anyone.

What really has me more upset than anything is that I feel cheated. I knew this job wasn't cutting it, but it was making ends meet and that's the most important thing. I feel like I have no actual footing and at a moments notice I could be in some deep dark hole trying unsuccessfully to claw my way out.

On top of that I feel cheated by my goddamn coworkers although I know they're human and this isn't their fault, I feel like I don't deserve this compared to them.

Obviously this does not apply to all of them, just one in particular who never shows up for fucking work and yet she still has a goddamn job. Like seriously??!!!!???>>>

I can't seem to get past not really feeling this bullshit piece of shit they've fed me. I'm ready to give up. I can feel it.

Depression is hitting me hard. I've been putting on a brave face, and I've been doing the best I can, but everytime I walk into this office, every time I sit at this desk or answer this bloody phone it feels like betrayal to my emotions. To my actual heartbreak. it's not fair! It's not fucking fair!

I do so well, and I work so hard and I always seem to get the short end of the stick. I hate this, I hate every fucking second of this. But I have no choice but to move on i guess. cause that's what i do. i persevere right? i make fucking magic happen right?

i dont' know where i am. or what i'm doing. or who i am for that damn matter. what the fuck is this?

Through Hoops

It's hard to not get depressed or discouraged or disgruntled. Because I'm feeling almost all 3. I'm stressed beyond relief right now. I feel like... I'm not sure exactly. It really hasn't been helping to write all this down because it feels redundant. It feels like nothing ever changes. Im at a precepace that makes me uncomfortable because I'm not sure how much power my decisions make. Am I guiding myself into more despair or is the universe moving through me to bring me closer to alignment with success?? It's like every move i make can be detrimental, but then maybe I just have to trust that no matter what, whatever decision I make, it won't be detrimental.

This all makes me sick. 

Posts

Im tried of writing this shit.

Slow motion

I swear this bus is moving at the slowest speed imaginable to man.

I'm running late, and I hate that shit. 

I've decided that I really need my license, at least. 

My hopes is that I can transition into the position with the other company and be able to stay in my department, in the same office and not too far from my old desk. :D I'm also figuring that I'd also be able to get a car (even if it's a little put put)  and that would make life easier in more ways than one. 

I'm contemplating though, not telling L. There's pros and cons to that. Here's a list of some of my thoughts. 

1. He may not want to know. - like he seriously has a probably addressing the realities of our financial situation. I guess that's because he feels powerless, but most of the time I'm not concerned with his lacking, I just want his input. Even when e was working, I wanted to come together on that front and he preferred to just throw some money at me and shoo me away. I don't operate like that. 

2. I might not want to add additional stress to our situation. He's not very emotionally supportive and will find some way to blame me for everything. 

3. I might not want to know about my potential change in income... Although it would regardless be a change in schedule. 

4. I prefer honesty above all, and I strive to have an open line of communication and I feel like L should be my partner no mater what the situation. Alas most of the time he's the disappointed babies father almost 75% of the time (maybe even more). 

5. I don't want to stress about this by myself. But I don't want his 2 cents.

I don't know what the hell I want anymore.

I'm stressed beyond belief and it's boiling over the edge. This is most definitely a breaking point and it's uncomfortable. I'd like to say that all will work out, but with everything not being ok, it feels like it won't (because if it was going to work out, then this shouldn't be a problem in the first place). But things keep coming at me left and right and it's a goddamn shame. I'm not sure how to handle anything and that indicative not taking to adulthood well. At this point I'm really like fuck it. I'm ready to just throw my hands in the air, leave, move to mexico city, build a bungalow, and live off the charts. But that doesn't sound enticing at all.

I think my biggest issue is I'm a fan of solutions. I like things to just be done. Even if it's a waiting game (like when you purchase something online and you're waiting for it, at least you know the transaction is done.. and now all you have to do is wait.). But at this point I'm not even waiting. I'm just fucking anxious, and everything seems to be in slow motion. I don't like this. I misplaced my debit card and no i have no access to cash or funds for god knows how long, because they won't accept my fucking ID. It's not as if the ID doesn't have my picture, address, signature. Fuck the shit practically has my damn blood sample and DNA.. and these fucking bank assholes would still not accept it. As if I fucking printed the shit in my back yard and decided to use that to take MY OWN FUCKING MONEY!

i swear im having a mini panic attack because this could be detrimental. I need to do laundry, and buy additional stuff for the house, like i can't be fucking broke for the entire weekend. if it was during the week i wouldn't care so much. or if i had no id at all i wouldn't be so upset, mostly because i would be at fault. but i have several forms of pictorial identification, not to mention all of my other credit cards with my name and signature. i also have myself, and lets not mention that it's myfucking money and if i'd like to take it out i should be able to.

i won't be able to concentrate properly until this situation has been resolved. and I cant honestly say that i'm ok with having no money for the weekend. i really should've been paying more attention to whether or not i had my debit card on me. but when you go a week without needing to use it because you have no money whatsoever, then it because a little redundant to keep track of it 24/7. But now it's frustrating having money and not being able to use it. i have a little under an hour until lunch and I cant focus because i need to get this resolved. immediately. it's either they accept some way some how my form of id or i'm closing my account and they'll be hell to pay over that. it's bad enough that i'm living paycheck to paycheck and everything else in my life is out to stress me beyond breaking point, but in addition they want to fucks withmy money!!!?? You don't fucks with a poor womans money. sorry im ranting. 

Eventful

I walked into work getting a surprise phone call. 

I'm losing my job! 🎉 (that's the confetti cone emoji btw) 

Well it seems that what I had expected happened way sooner than I expected. They didn't even let me get 6 months in. 

The good news amongst all this 💩 (poop emoji) is that I might have a shot at getting a better job and stay in the same department, I'd just be working for a different company. A consultation company working on Super StormSandy  recovery. I could potentially negotiate for a better salary and benefits. But I have to go through the regular application process and I have no real idea what the timeline is and/or if I'll in fact get the job. 

Then the temp agency is also offering me a job with the Customer Contact Center, but the pay is the same, same NYCHA stipulations.. With the added effect that it's in Long Island City and the hours vary... Morning, evening, overnight. 

I'd have to rely heavily on L. And even that is still a shot in the dark. 

These opportunities are both, by the way, excellent alternatives to unemployment and they're both a whole lot more guaranteed than me doing job search on my own. But they're both time sensitive so I have to play my cards right. I'd really like to stay in my department. And I'd like a better salary, even if it's for a year. But everything is literally up in the air. 

So I just have to wait and see where the cards land. 

When the times get tough, the tough cry in the bathroom

I spent yesterday cleaning almost all of the whole house. The goal was really to get a layer of the broax roach powder thing down. I'm hoping that I'll see great improvement over the next few weeks. I already see less roaches but that might be because I haven't fine cleaned the apartment in a while. And even though L is home all day, it's a struggle to get him to even do the dishes.

I hate to say it or think it, but he's worthless. It's really a terrible thought to have, and I'd like to have chosen a better word for his laziness or depression.. But that's the awful truth of the matter. I don't mean it in an ill way, just an honest one. 

A few days ago he was given an interview for FedEx (which is a much sought after interview/position, because it pays great) but he couldn't take it because he wouldn't be able to pass the drug test.

Then I had set him up for the interview with a job that he used to work this season last year, but he didn't get the job because a manager there hadn't liked him. I'm sure she's just a bitch, but with all the trouble I have with L, he owns a lot of blame for that as well. 

And then when I asked him if he's been applying to jobs he said no, because he needs help with the applications. He still doesn't know how to upload a resume. That's because he never pays attention when I show him how. That's how we met you know... I was showing him to fucking upload his resume...

Sometimes I step into his shoes and realize how hard it must be. How much his ego is probably suffering. And then I realize that he's doing it to himself, by being an ungrateful hypocrite. But then that's none of my business. He is taking me to a breaking point. But I can't abandon him, because that's what every one else has done. However sometimes I think, that maybe he needs to do this by himself, without my help. Otherwise he'll never change. I don't know. 

What I do know, is that he left me to do all the work in the house by myself (after only cleaning the bathroom) and then blaming my after pain on me because I didn't ask for help. 

Like seriously?!!  Where the fuck is your goddamn initiative??!! Must. I. Do. EVRYTHING??!!! And the answer is yes. I always have and it seems that I always will. I suffered last night, the back pain brought me to tears. The epidural that I unfortunately accepted fucked me royally. I'll never be the same again, I can tell. Acupuncture would help, but I can't afford it, and I don't have medical insurance for anything else. And I'm also terribly overweigh, which doesn't help, so yesterday's activities took a serious took in my body. When I went to lay down I could barely get comfortable, I only fell asleep out if exhaustion. I still am feeling the pain today. 

I cried in the bathroom last night, not for long. But just enough to take some of the pressure off my swollen heart. The stitches aren't holding well. But they'll have to do for now, I've got plenty more pain and suffering to withstand. 

After effects

. I still the feel the blanket of the nightmare on me. I didn't go to sleep right away. Instead I trolled Facebook, checked emails, played games, watched Wendy Williams and watched (and did) other illicit things to try and get my mind off the inevitable. By the time I tried going back to sleep it was about 4 am. I tossed and had a few other less important but equally startling dreams. They were so vivid. 

Later on, L tried to wake me up to "cuddle", I pushed him away like he had done me. And then I tried sleeping again. I was in and out for several hours, Olivia coming in a few times to lay next to me. At first she looked at me once and ran away crying, I wondered what she saw in my aura. What type of energy was I emitting? I also think she was frightened by the lack of sleep I had gotten. I'm sure it rolled off my body like a bad smell. 

I finally woke around 10 and struggled to accept the day. I haven't really spoken with L beyond what was necessary, he annoys me and I don't think I can handle much. He didn't even care what I had a nightmare about. To be honest all he really cares about is himself. And he deflects that by saying I'm the selfish one. 

Right now we're heading to his cousins daughters bday party. I'm so exhausted. 

I don't really know what I'm doing at this point. 

Nightmares

Had a bad dream just now. I don't want to write about the details because I'll never sleep again. It wasn't super scary at the end, just emotionally charged with high energy. Of a child I said was no longer mine. He was a little boy. He was not alive. 

I've only ever felt guilt over my abortion shortly after it was over. I still have the sonogram as if it was Olivia's. But I think I've repressed any real heartbreak. My gut says it was a son. Sigh. Maybe I'm speculating to much. 

When I woke up, I reached for L and he got upset. I hate that. I can't tell anymore if I actually hate him, or if I'm just beyond disappointed. 

There was other children in the dream. They died from drinking poisoned milk from a daycare. I don't know my connection. But I was trying to unravel something. Me and my two daughters I think. And L. Alternate universe L.

I think there was 2 me's in the dream. Real me and alternate universe me. I'm not shaking anymore, but I'm afraid to let sleep take over. I'm exhausted though. I don't want to think about this anyone, but that boys pain.....

I feel like I have no one to talk to. I hate this. 

New Direction

No, not the band. Although I'm really upset that I enjoy their latest song (Drag me down.. NOBODY NOBODAAAAAAAYYYYY!!). I'm supposed to be too cool for mainstream!! -_-. Although I fucking love Maroon 5. Feelings is on the top of my list right now. Actually, why don't I take a break from depressing shit and make a list of all my favorites as of now. [This sounds like a lot of fun and will help me ignore not having eaten anything for lunch. *insert thumbs up emoji* (when are they going to get emoji's for blogger.. WHEN???!!... What's even more weird is that when I use the app and I add emoji's they don't come up on the website as emoji's. Catch up Google. >. >]

1. Feelings - Maroon 5 
2. Faded - Zhu (ODESZA remix)
3. Sunny - Hippy Sabotage
4. Hotline Bling - Drake
5. ANYTHING THEY MAKE! - Alina Baraz & Galimatas
6. Out of My League - Fitz & The Tantrums
7. ANYTHING THEY MAKE! - Little Dragon
8. Babylon - SZA
9. Coffee, Dress, Hey Mami, Play It Right - Sylvan Esso
10. Without You, My Friends Never Die - ODESZA
11. F Dat - Slick Shoota  
12. Lean On - Major Lazer
13. Summer, How Deep is Your Love - Calvin Harris
14. Pretty Lights - One Day They'll Know (ODESZA remix)
15. The Wheel - SOHN

I think it's pretty safe to say that this only grazes my musical enjoyment, but I really love anything that comes across my desk. I'm looking forward to moving into international stuff, because I've heard some K-pop clips and I really like them! 

 Well I think I've all but completely forgotten about what this post was originally going to be about..

Oh yes, I'm going to try new things. TADA! 

Maybe its safe to say...

I'm slowly dying. That stress has reached a peak where its physical effects outweigh the emotional.

He's lost all respect for me. Because I haven't kicked him out. And k out up with his shit and still love him, almost unconditionally. 

I'm ready to give up. Because this all seems pointless and it hurts far too much far too many times, for far too long. 

This could be the end. A sour beginning of something that's not me. And a sweet hello to something that will destroy me entirely. 

I wonder what I've done wrong?

I'm very tired today. I find it so odd that every time I get paid somehow, some way I end up being more stressed. I guess it's because I have to take care of bills and I'd rather just avoid them.

I think If I had just enough money to get everything done, this includes little things like laundry and toiletries, then I'd be happy. It's not having enough money and stressing about how I'm going to make an inch stretch a mile that's driving me insane. I'm not comfortable with that.

So this morning when I realized that my check was well below my hopes (not my secret expectations mind you) I started off by advising L of the current financial situation. And he promptly proceeded to shut me down because he didn't want to hear about it.

Basically, I explained to him that I wouldn't have enough money to pay the rent...
(I honestly wanted his feedback on what he thought we should do.. pay some of it? Find out if I could make arrangements? I was just tired of being burdened with all of these "what if's?")
and he got upset and told me to just pay the rent and now worry about everything else like laundry (mind you it's been almost 3 weeks since laundry has been done because the laundry money went to other thing that it shouldn't have. I told him that I might not have enough for event that. And again he proceeded to shut me down stating that he didn't want to know and that I should just pretend he wasn't there.

I broke down. Because all I wanted was to not have to carry this stress by myself. I wanted some type of feedback or support, even if it's emotional. I just wanted reassurance that everything was going to be ok, and that he'd be working just as hard to figure it out. But I didn't get that, because that's not the type of person he is. So here I am 2 steps away from death. Feeling nauseous as fuck and a migraine the size of Africa. (I hope I'm not pregnant, but this has been the 4th day in a row I feel like this).

I'm ready to tell him to pack his things and leave. Because at least if he's not going to be bare minimum emotionally supportive then he's only bringing me down. He thinks I should pretend he's not there, when I think he just shouldn't be. I'm fed up, and there's but so much a girl can take. I've done nothing but supportive and patient with him and he cannot afford me the same. I never make decisions like that on an emotional bend so I'm giving myself the day, maybe even the weekend, to mull it over. I'm not sure if I'm in the right state of mind, considering all this stress, but it's probably the closest I'll get to right at this point. I'd like to go home and sulk about this on my couch but I cannot.

I'm broke and it's only getting worse and I don't know what to do and I'd like to stop being stressed and I just want to curl up in a ball or run away to Australia or finish this sentence but I cannot because my  emotions are bubbling up inside me and I swear I'm going to explode at one point or anther and the holidays are coming up and you know how I get around that time and I just wanted this year to be better and easier, which makes me rethink kicking L out because that would put a rift in the holidays, maybe for new years, ok, I really need a period.

My lunch hour is coming up soon, but I don't feel like eating. I'm thanking the Goddess in my head that the phones are quiet today and that no one is really coming to the window today. What a blessing. I think I could be on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm shaking and I can't really concentrate. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm sure no actual work is going to get done today. This sucks. This really sucks.

Well, I at least need to finish making those calls ....

I also realized - mid rant- that I've gotten fed up with a lot of things in my life. I've slowly stopped talking to my best friend because I just don't want to. Which upsets me, because I wish I could talk to someone but I don't like whining, I like solutions and at this point no one has been able to offer me that so I just stopped asking.

My irritability and emotionalism has lead me to believe that something is wrong with me, but maybe it's just the stress or the bipolar disorder or even the lack of menstruation that I've been experiencing for months because of this damn IUD.

Wow, this is a really long post.

I hate going on a rant about all the bad and stressful things in my life but it seems as though that's all I have. I think that sucks more than anything. I want more than this.

The End

Death will not come first as the end. It will come as AN end. It will not come into your life first during your last breath, but in betwixt a heartbeat, and will leave you breathless. It will swiftly take away any light that once existed and not replace it with darkness, but with gray. Sounds will be muted and you be just a spectator to glory that will once never fully be yours. Time states that it has the ability to heal all wounds but this one will be fatal. The YOU that passes will never be resurrected, possibly replaced, but never reborn.

This is an unspoken death. An unrealized death. There is no surgeon general warning. There is no cure, no walks, no PSA.

Boom boom!

I'm here at an interview, waiting. I couldn't resist writing because I've been dying to write all day. But I've also been dying to finish a really good book I'm engulfed in so that won out during my lunch and I was swamped at work so I didn't have time to even think of writing.

I'm actually at the Department of Homeless services presently. I was here just a mere 3 years ago.. And again at 2 years ago, and now I'm back. Just in a different capacity. 

I'm not sure if I want this job, as much as I want extra money. I'd feel back taking an opportunity from someone who has nothing. At least I'm making ends meet , even if it's a struggle. Sigh. But being selfish I really need to level up. The issue that I always fall into is that I don't want to leave my current job. I really like it, I like what I do and I enjoy the people I work with. It can be challenging sometimes but in a good way, and that's not easy to find. I just wish that I could make ends meet with it, but I can't. I'm struggling so damn much and there is no foreseeable end to this struggle if I only keep one job. 

I didn't get the promotion (not sure what I'm taking about? check this out: What's Tired?). So that means I'm moving abroad! Yeah! 

However, how is still the biggest question? Apparently I need a visa or a job?? I reached out to a former associate of mine hoping to get some guidance and got directed to Google! ....

Thanks for nothing! 💩

Of course she was kind about it, but it did seem distant and I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid of too many options actually equates to me being no options at all. 

I should've eaten before coming here and I'm kind of anxious. Oh well. I think I'm gonna go back to that book before my brain explodes from stress. 

Asking for too much

I thought I started a post about this, but I can't seem to locate it. Maybe it was just an inner dialogue that I wished I had posted. Either way, I have t do this again.

Is it possible that I am asking for way too much from life? Like good shit isn't supposed to kick in until I'm 30 and I'm over here rushing it. Maybe, just maybe,my life is exactly what it's supposed to be and I should just go with the flow... 

And ode to NYC and the US

I can't fucking take this anymore.

I'm thoroughly exhausted and it's not even mid afternoon, it's not even 10 am!!!

I have no patience for this anymore.

I've been up since 6 am just trying to get to work. I had to pick up Olivia and bring her back to school. Then I figured I'd take  a Lyft cab so that I won't be too late. Low and behold I waited for the cab for about an hour (an extremely complicated ordeal) and it gave me nothing. I ten decided to take the bus, but made the last minute decision (mistake) to transfer to the train and instead of taking the G to work and walking, transfering to the C (MISTAKE).  Just to have to eventually come out of the train station and run after the bus. It's safe enough to say that I'm not only extremely late, but extremely pissed off. 

In conjunction with that, I was told that I'd be taking on another responsibility over something in the summer, which translates to me that I'm not getting this other position. I could be speculating but I feel as though I'm not getting it. So I need to start on my plans to move out of the country. I figured I'd reach out to my contacts to see what opportunities I can tap into. I don't have a desire to finish my degree here all that much so I wouldn't mind if I had to leave before accomplishing that. I hate the thought of starting this because everything's so uncertain. I just wish I could find stability. For once. 

Selling things? Selling me? Selling out?

The gotten to the point where selling something has becoming a legitimate plausibility. 

Be it a kidney, my body or my soul... I've reached a breaking point.

I considered my eggs then realized no one would want them. 

And the though of my child being out there experiencing Goddess knows what... Not sure how I feel about that. But everything else has made it to the realm of possibility. 

I really do hate this stress, this feeling of being hateful and alone. I hate this disproportionate life I lead. It's making me sick, absolutely sick. I think I would not even be against some illegal activities at this point because I just want this to stop. 

I think to myself, how does this make me a better person? Feeling awful 90% of the time? How does that contribute to my human experience? And why is it fair?

Don't get me wrong I am thankful for the things in my life that I have to be thankful for 

Olivia and her health

A roof over our head and food in our bellies

My mother 

A good cell phone

A good job (despite the lack of benefits and adequate income)

Ummmm

Victoria

Ummm

At this point that's about it. Everything else after that is a stress ball. At included L. He's killing me with his own brand of sauce. And I'm sure he could give a shit. 

I have to say that more than anything, feeling alone has been about the hardest, and that's where he could've at least chipped in. He's so ungrateful. He's always complaining about me and our situation, like I'm doing nothing. Like I haven't done anything for him. Like I just take care of Olivia and myself and exclude him. With his goddamn attitude I should, it breaks my heart. 

The worst thing about a broken heart is the breaking stage. When you're standing there trying to make repairs to the fractures, then watching silently as its all for naught. Until it's shattered and there's nothing you can do. And you don't want to attempt to put it back together because it doesn't feel worth it. And the mere thought of it breaking again sends you into a wild frenzy.

I'm pretty sure I'm dying. 

I'm pretty sure my life isn't getting better with whatever I'm doing. 

I'm pretty sure I'm fucking it even more each day,

I'm pretty sure no one gives a fuck. 

Even if they say they do, what's that worth? 

I've gained a significant amount of weight. I'm around 200 lbs now. 

I don't look like it, but I kinda feel like it. It's always something, I swear.

Writing is my only solace. Aside from food, which is why I'm so fat. And probably why I feel like I'm dying. 

Eh.

I thought I'd be motivated enough to do my second movie or to finally write my book, but I've been too depressed. I hate depression because it sucks everything from your life and practically eats you alive. Correction, it eats you alive. 

This dude on this train has KFC and I'm starving. Jesus it smells so good. He needs to get off immediately or I need to. I can't stand the yummy smell. I know it's not good for me, it's not. And its contributing to my fat. But fast and fatty foods is all I want right now. It's my fucking drug of choice. I would say don't judge me, but I don't really care. 

I spoke to my mom just a while ago. Which reminded me that I neglected to talk about our NJ excursion to visit L's mom. Olivia had been there the entire last week and L was there the last 3 days of her stay. L's mom, we'll call her M, invited my mother over to drink and have fun. It was an enjoying time, albeit embarrassing. L was too much to handle at certain points, especially during the part when we were heading home and he became a full blown Asshole. Yes with a capital A. It was even bothered my mother and it also made me realize I never talked to her about L. 

I wish I had, but I've been defending L so hard to my family. Making excuse after excuse for his deplorable behavior. I've been sticking by his shit for a while. Sometimes I wish I could bash him to my mother and she's still support me until L and I were no longer together on my terms. But I know that she'd just force me to kick him out, which although I think about every day I don't do, because it's not beneficial for him.  He barely helps with Olivia so being beneficial to me isn't really a factor. In all honesty I care about him, even though apart of me hates his guts. 

I guess that's what love is, or whatever. 

The gentleman with the good smelling fast food left a while ago, but the smell still lingers in my nose. 

I'm cold and tired and hungry. 

The three worst things to be. 

I just wish I wasn't going home to stress and hate. 

Fucktard asshole of a shit piece of man. Sigh. I had to get it out of my system. I'm just so angry. And lonely.   

What's tired?

I guess there's no better time to write than now. 

I don't have access to my music presently and I'm underground so I don't have access to the Internet. Eh. 

I'm thinking about moving to another country. I'm always so tired here. And stressed. When I close my eyes I imagine that I'm sitting in my garden surrounded my greenery and life. Reading a great book, or better yet, writing one. Smelling fresh air, listening to Olivia play. Or maybe she's with friends. Ideally she'd have siblings or a sibling, but I doubt that's going to happen. 

The only thing that's stopping me from running away is money, passports, and quite possibly my degree. If I had the money and I paid off my debts I could potentially transfer to another university abroad. So really it all boils down to money. I thought about another state but that just wasn't enough. It was detached enough. The world is killing me honestly because I'm so heartbroken by its state. If I could have one wish in the world, or one super power it would be the power to change that. Everything else I could deal with, even being poor. But to change the world for the better. Stop all of this hate and mindless deaths.  But alas I have no super power or genie. I have to suffice with doing what I can, and that starts with bettering myself. 

My plan is to maybe move by the end of next year. 

I put in an application for a better position at my job, I qualify in terms of experience but not education. I just barely make the grade. NYCHA may choose not to give me conditional employment and let me meet the qualifications within a year and just shut me down. Or they may give me that chance. If they give me a chance, I'll stay. Otherwise I'm gone by the end of the year. 

I don't really know what I want more. The better paying job will give me a healthy challenge and more money and stability. But the move would give me new life and freedom (maybe, there might still be some grave challenges) and the thing is moving Olivia. I don't know how that'll be for her. I'd like to hope she'd do well, because she's amazing. But one can never know. 

I've been having a hard time sleeping trying to run away from the stress, but it keeps me up either with distractions or with insomnia. Everyone assumes it's because L's not with me for the week, but it's not that. I've been tired for so long now. So long now.

I've shied away from friends and family I guess.  Because being in my own mind is so much easier, it's better for me to handle everything if I  don't have to explain it to anyone or make excuses. Keeping up with everything that's running through my head is more stressful than anything else I've experienced.

Sometimes I do want someone to talk to, but I don't want to burden anyone or annoy them with the same old bullshit. But that's my life, so instead I write here or keep to myself. I like to think that maybe someone, at least one person reads this and understands me. Or maybe not. 

I must be losing my mind because I keep on fucking things up, like getting on the wrong train or not remembering information correctly. My brain is distracted or dying or both. 

I'm so exhausted.  

Written 10/10/15

I'm fucking back!

Thought I'd just post this- whateverthefuck

I can't promise that I'll be writing more, even though I wish I could. My biggest problem is that I really only write while on public transportation. And for the most part I don't always finish what I want to write and the. Sometimes I'll go underground and my work won't be saved, so even if I was writing some good shit... It'll all be gone.. No one likes that...so I haven't really wrote much. I'll try to write more though. 

In current news I did something crazy and applied for a better job in my apartment. I feel good about it, the one stich is that I don't completely meet the qualifications. My credits are just almost enough, if I was able to pay the debt and go back I'd have been done by now. But at this time I don't have the monies. So I'm just suffering and trying to make ends meet paycheck to paycheck. It doesn't help that L is not working anymore and I'm tried of making excuses for him. I know his ego is hurt, but I really need a man at this point in time. I'll be as supportive as possible, but everyone has their limits. 

Finally doing it

No, I'm not getting married. I'm finally working on my website!! And I'm going to freelance. I have. I idea what I'm doing. I'm just diving in. 

I did my business cards yesterday, but I fucked up the website so now I have to do them over again. What a headache. 

Okay I worked on my website: waterflows.wix.com/awritersmuse

(I think that's the website...)

I'd really like to be able to purchase a domain by the end of this year, maybe sooner? It's expensive. It can cost me about $100 a year, which isn't bad, but I don't have that to spare just yet. I need to get something solidified by tomorrow. It needs to be live and I need my business cards to match. I'm trying to get all my ideas/talents/work in one place. I'll also feature this on there... Maybe somewhere secret?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I just don't think I'm ready to expose this to people who night actually read it and know who I'm talking about. 

As well in working on a book - based on this blog and my diaries from youth. Hit is absolutely disgusting retyping those entries. I could barely spell!! What the hell??! And I was so angry, and young, and dumb actually. It's gross.  But I realize that it's necessary. People may not like reading it,  but someone might be interested. I might make it an optional chapter.. A thought. 

I've also been writing social political articles in my head all week, I need to get them out. I'm going to generate a schedule next week and start actively carving out time to work on these projects. 

The funny thing is that leisure requires money. And I'm lacking in that department so my mind has been wrXked with trying I find ways to compensate for $$. Now that L isn't working that's even more incentive for me I find another job or to take on some freelanced work. However that's completely easier said than done 

A new chapter

Hi again,

So after some very tough times with L. We're still living together and might even be taking a vacation in a few months.. but that's besides the point. The point is that I am still in a place that I don't want to be in. I am not happy in my relationship, but I am not one to kick someone I care about in the dirt (no matter how much he's hurt me..well.. no  matter how much he's annoyed me severely and made my life a living hellooo). I am hoping that maybe if I focus on myself I can just leave on my own.

I would never never never displace my daughter; so I would only leave if I perhaps got into low income housing or I was buying a house (or renting a house for a reasonable price) either way, I'm not budging (no matter how uncomfortable I feel unless those aforementioned cases were in play.

I have that talk with L every so often because I like to gauge where his mind is at, but he still keeps shifting and flipping, I can't keep up with him honestly. The truth is that I know  what I want. But it seems like he has no idea. Recently our sex life has proven more to how he feels because it hasn't been the same in months. It's like there's this disconnect and maybe I've echoed this previously, but it's more prevalent now. It almost feels like we're having sex just because. As if I could be anyone really and as long as he come out with a happy ending all is well. It feels like I'm the only one suffering from this. Perhaps it's because I'm such an emotional person and sex for me is rooted deeply in emotion. If that's not there than I'm just not into it.

This hurts the more I think about it, but it's something that can't be prevented. I've tried everything to make this relationship work, but I honestly know this is temporary. I just wish that he could come to his senses and admit how he truly feels. I hope he doesn't think he's sparing me any pain because in all actuality, I've never felt pain like this before.
My wounds can't close, I can't heal, I can't move on...I'm just stuck in purgatory.

What the #$*%!

I legitimately don't understand L.

Do you recall a post a while back that talked about him moving out.. and yada yada yada (I'd rather not rehash the painful memory) but it was all but clear that even though he was speaking emotionally ,which he claims he never does, he obviously was telling some kind of truth.

And still he manages to have a conversation with me yesterday about buying a puppy 2 years from now. Asking if I thought we'd be ready!! Stating that maybe we'll be married by then!!!

I just don't get it. His mixed signals are disgusting and they make me want to slap someone. Then get this... he then divulges that he's just not ready right now. He still has urges to get out of his system (i.e he wants to sleep with other people). So I proceeded to ask him about my "urges" and he said that I can get those out of my system too. He just hopes that I have no one to get it out of my system with. HAHAHAHAHA little does  he know as a woman I can get my urges out with any flipping body I point my finger at. Although if I had a choice i'd check out the lady side of things. (But boy would I make a terrible lesbian. I don't seem to be as visible as I had hoped I could be. I'm going to have to settle on buying some rainbow converse.

A letter

Dear L,

Please know first and foremost this is not the first time I am writing a letter like this. You are not the first one. I guess it’s a deficiency that I have, not being able to communicate properly about my real feelings. I think it’s because I talk so much that at some point people tune out - out of habit.

Ever since the first day I met you, you’ve intrigued me. I tried to deny to myself how much I was actually interested in you. I didn’t think too much of it, but I thought a lot about you.

After I broke up with my ex (which I’ll have you know was not because of you, even though you were the catalyst. I had just realized I was young and I wanted to have fun) I didn’t think much of …. I broke up with my ex because I wanted to spend time with you and not feel guilty about it. But I didn’t expect much to come out of seeing you. I had a vague idea of what guys wanted from me and I figured I was pretty sure it didn’t include anything long term.

In all honesty, I didn’t want anything long term. I’ve always believed that I was that type of person, but it never seems to go well for me.

When I first asked you to join me on my escapade to Coney Island it wasn’t to be date – it was to be free for just a moment. I didn’t think it would go anywhere beyond that night – or a few days for that matter. Knowing that, I also want you to know – I didn’t fall in love. It wasn’t infatuation either. It was passion, and you made me feel free. I liked you as a friend.. and potential fuck buddy, but that was all I wanted.

Not sure what was going on through your head (except for some fucked up voodoo that’s been running its course through the women in my family for millennia) but you had other ideas in mind. And voila!

Thank you for your passion, thank you for Olivia. But you destroyed me. It’s not your fault though.

I was fine with you leaving.. I could handle hate, rejection, and disappointment. What I couldn’t handle was half love. Love that only goes but so far.. isn’t really love at all. Love that touches your hand, but not your heart isn’t love at all – it’s pain pure, unadulterated pain. And I’m sure you’ll never understand that.

It may just be that we love differently. Or maybe you just don’t know how to love. But your love hurts. This is why I’ve tried to separate so many times, because I want your love,  but your love hurts and that’s not good for anyone. And every time I think that I won’t have to live in pain again, it comes right back to haunt me.

I cannot begin to understand how you feel, or what your motives are. I can only see the darkness that is inside my heart. I smile and play along but I am empty. What hurts more than anything is the confusion… Every time I try to talk about it, you kind of sweep it under the rug. But I know, I can feel it, I know this isn’t real. Don’t get me wrong. I do love you, and I do wish it was real. I wish that we could get engaged, and you did propose, and I did take your last name and we did buy a house or have more children, or start a company… I wish we had a future, but we don’t. We have alignment, because we share a child; and yes, that’s important but it’s not what I wanted. I wanted all or nothing at all… and you gave me half and dragged me the rest of the way. Denying that you had any fault. I know someone else like that.

As days go by and I try to plan for my future I find it suffocating. I try not to talk about it or think about it, but I’m suffering in silence. It makes me want to yell. I’m tired of the game, it’s very lonely. Everyday I’m reminded of what I want, but can’t have. I appreciate your support it’s made all the difference, however, I wish none of this had every happened. But still, Olivia is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.. so.. I guess it’s all a necessary evil. Well, there is no good without a sacrifice.

Sincerely Yours...

Exclustion pt 2

So boredom at work led me to scrolling through a blog about Steno Notepads; because I use them at work, but had no idea what their original purpose was.. this all started because I saw on the cover of the notepad that it had a limited warranty. And I thought 'why the hell would a notebook have a warranty? what could possibly go wrong with it.' Although when I did my research I found out what it's purpose was, I still don't know why it would need a warranty. But I digress. I happened onto a blog that was hosted by blogspot and that made me think about my blog and as I was reading and being thoroughly entertained I saw that I was suppposed to follow up on my "Exclusion" post.

So for the update:

I've deleted my social media websites from my phone and I haven't been on them from my laptop at all really. The only exception was when a good friend of mine from Mexico City (let's call her M) contacted L because she was worried about me. I was honestly shocked because I didn't think anyone actually cared.
No one else came looking for me. I was happy that she had, oddly enough she was the only one I thought about during my hiatus. Surprisingly she was also trying to contact me because she's coming to visit in July. I'm SO HYPED!! It's going to be great to have a friend out here, even if it's just for a while.

All in all I feel like the social media experiment was a success. It's given me time and brain space to focus on myself and wallow in my own despair without having everyone elses "good time" acting as acid on my wounds. It's also allowed me to appreciate my little successes because I wouldn't have been able to identify them otherwise. Will I ever go back to social media?

Maybe when I graduate from college.. or get married.. or have another child... or maybe once I've done all three. Or maybe never. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Seriously. At first I liked being able to keep up on what my friends were up to but at this point it feels worthless. I don't know how to explain how I feel about it exactly because it's so complicated. But I feel as though I'd be fine without it and I think that's a good thing. However, what I should do is update my profile with my correct phone number and email address and home address for that matter in case anyone wants to reach out to me.

But I have a feeling like everything else will align itself and I'll move into the space in my life where I feel comfortable and I've made friends that I can hang out with and do fun things with. All good things...

Changing Tides

I was going to watch a movie and then I thought to myself...why don't I write a post. It's quiet enough and my mind is open to letting some things off my chest.

First and foremost after almost a month, I got a new job.. and it's great. I'll be doing something that i like (admin within a nonprofit - meaning I'll be helping people, but not devoting my entire life to taking care of them). Anyway, It's a great job, and it pays well. Really well - so I'm happy. However I've entered into a gateway of not having a job for a month and just starting a job that leads to my life falling apart. I don't have any funds.

Don't know why I didn't save.. well I do know why, we needed things. And food is EXPENSIVE - omg!! I don't know how I'm going to survive buying food out here.. JESUS!!

But that's besides the point because it's too late to cry over spilled milk.. It's done and gone in the past and at this point i'm just staring at a dank immediate future. I don't know what to do. I honestly wish I could snap my fingers and money would appear (even if I had to pay it back) but that's not how life works and sadly pay day loans are illegal and controlled by scam artists and loan sharks. And people wonder why the economy was shit.

I honestly wasn't expecting to be out of work for this long I figured a week at maximum because I was originally going from one job into another. Literally, but then this job came up and I couldn't let it pass. I've never had an opportunity like this before - I've never had a salary like this before (its not a salaried job, it's hourly. And even though I've made that hourly amount before I didn't have the hours to accumulate a salary like I'll have now.)
The issue is even though I was "hired" a week ago. The position is contracted through a temp agency and it took them just up until yesterday to contact me to start the background check and paperwork. So it's taken me this long because of that. If I had any inkling that this would've happened I wouldn't have left my job. Honestly, this sucks more than anything I could think of.

I don't know how to move forward this next month.. my birthday month again.. no money and super stressed. The way this agency does their pay periods is super inconvenient. By the time I get my first paycheck it will be practically worthless, because of how long I will have gone without money. And my problem is ideally at this point I'd need about $1500 to get back on track... That's ridiculous. And so frustrating. That's why people do illegal things. Because there's no legal way at this point to get my life together. Aside from winning the lottery. And I'm so scared of that thought.

I'm scared of this desperation. It could fuck up my life. More than it already is fucked up. It's making me depressed and it's driving me crazy. I know later on in life I'll look back at this moment and say whew, glad that passed, but at this point I can't see how i'm gonna get past this (without having amazing luck). I have to think outside the box.

I want to ask for help but I don't know who to ask. And I'm having a hard time trusting that anyone would actually be willing to help. seriously. My only option would be a stranger.... Should I try crowdfunding - that's legal?? But who (honestly) would I be appealing too? I need to raise $1500 for what exactly?? to pay my bills?? I don't see how anyone would be moved by that reason (except me). If I had it and I encountered someone who needed it I would definitely help.  But maybe that's only because I'm in this situation right. Most people feel as if they got their success on their own. Not even realizing how many people paved that path for them. I don't have that luxury. I'm doing this struggle on my own. But boy.. do I wish I had a path.

Exclusion

So first and foremost I have to apologize for those who wished this blog had more photos.. Maybe one day I'll get to that point. I'd also like to post my video diaries on here at some point in time, but for now, sorry not sorry.

So.. I know I've written about this topic before but it's crossed my mind and it seems a little bit even more prevalent again. So I guess rather than allude to it I'll just put it out there. I'm fucking lonely. I'm such an outsider.

Frankly put I find it hard to find a place to fit in. And with that, I find that I am excluded from most things.

I don't know what it is... am I too Intense? Intimidating? Forgettable? Not funny enough? Not flexible enough? Too poor? Too depressed? Too weird?

I honestly don't fucking get it.. I feel like no matter what I'm invisible. Seriously.

Take this blog for example, I've tried almost everything to get it a little attention on here, even though it's very personal and I'm not really that interested in people I know reading it - I'd like for people I don't know to.. but nada. Of course the internet is a big place so maybe this is a bad example.

So I'll try using any activity or group I try to associate with. I never fit in, and for the most part people forget about me and then lie about forgetting. It's kinda sad.

I can't even make new friends.

I'm even invisible in my relationship, I find myself feeling lonely because there is no more soul connection. Not sure what happened.

Even the other day I was speaking to my best friend and I didn't feel a soul connection. It was heartbreaking (even though I know it was all my imagination.. I hope)

I find that I feel like a damn outcast. Is it because I complain too much?

Is it because I have too many reasons too complain. Can't put my finger on it....

I'm thinking about deleting my social media sites anyway. I don't any type of enjoyment from them to be honest, and there's no socializing done on there. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that right now.
Oddly enough my phone restarted.... weird... but I feel  little better now, albeit more isolated.

I think I'd like to cut a lot of people out of my life. Mostly because they're a waste of space. Not that everyone in your life should be doing something for you - but they should be serving a purpose to enrich your life through friendship or companionship.
(p.s. I've signed up on a pen pal website.. am I pathetic or what???)

I just can't shake this hole in my heart. It's sad. For some reason I feel like further isolation might make me feel better. Maybe I'll be able to at least rid myself of negative energy that comes with having people in your life that just don't give a fuck... Honestly I don't really know.. guess I'll have to follow back up on this in a month.

Depressing Shit

Well....

Now, I just feel bad. For messing up the good news. But it's not really my fault.

After moving in L and I decided that we could make a pretty good team and wanted to work it out. We had plans for marriage, having another baby (in the far distant future), getting a house eventually. The whole family unit shabang.

I thought we really understood each other and our goals. and that all was going to be well. i thought "finally i'm worth it"

....
But I was wrong.

Today he threw out of left field that he's looking for a room to rent. He wants to move out.
I've also seen that he's been consistently creating profiles on dating websites. Actively looking for "like minds"... which previously he'd justified as just looking for "friendships" and nothing was serious.  (not sure if he knows that I know about the second part...)

But this all leads me to believe that he want's to break up.. well maybe... but it leaves me to believe that we might not stay together. This just reminds me that I'm not done with this. We're not a couple. We're not engaged. We're not a family. i'm just a baby mama. i'm not worth it. i'm not his like mind. i'm not enough.

**I had typed out a whole lot of not so fun stuff and I guess because my internet was acting terribly it didn't save and then I forgot about it (I could've recovered it if I hadn't..) but please find the jist of my woe below and some additional thoughts below**

Basically he said that he really didn't mean it and that he only said that out of anger (he was angry over something petty) but I find that hard to believe because he always lies about his true feelings.

I feel as though it is possible that he's been lying since the beginning and that either something beyond his control his keeping him here or it's pulling him away. I've done cleansings but I haven't done one for our relationship. (Note: this is very common for the women in my family to not have successful relationships). I thought I didn't need to, thus I ignored the problem - therefore perpetuating it.
All in all I'm sure that this will probably not work out how I wished and hoped and prayed it would. I truly thought this would be it... otherwise why else would I have had a child with him? Of course.. my gut tells me otherwise.

He has been acting different more distant in a way (which he always does when peaking his true feelings. I don't know how to respond to it. Truthfully, I don't know what to do. My best friend said I should break up with him, but at this point when everything is still on such shaky ground that doesn't make sense.

I guess I've just been waiting for him to admit that he doesn't really love me. And that this whole charade wasn't intentional but ultimately his fault because he didn't put an end to it when he had the chance. I've been trying to end this heartbreak for a while now, but he keeps reeling me back in. I'm broken now and I don't see much a future for my heart.

Again.. I've started noticing things and how they are different. I've begun to notice (again) that what I feel with him is not love... or at least not the love I am looking for.

As well, like my best friend pointed out - my ego has gotten the best of me. I didn't want to admit to the world that we didn't work out. Because I'm pretty sure that's what they thought from the beginning but I fought so hard for him... for us. Failure is not normally in my repertoire.

I really could've sworn that I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself through this anymore (with L) but he's persuasive. But I don't know what to do. I'm lonely... really really lonely. And that hurts more than anything. I've encountered a lot of heartbreak in my life and some I've gotten over - others not so much. But this... this... I can't see myself moving past this.. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shit, I can't even see the tunnel. I just know it's dark and cold and this.. this.. this... is some depressing shit..

Oh yeah!! Ummm, good news!!

Believe it or not I actually came on here to write some depressing shit (because every time I think I'm alright some depressing shit comes and fucks me up..) but alas, I realized that even before I can get to the depressing shit, I have to announce the monumental news!!

WE'VE MOVED OUT OF THE SHELTER!!!

For the first time in foreverrrrrr.... I'm not fucking homeless!!!

And it's my own. My fucking OWN. I'm so excited I can't even.

But it doesn't really feel real yet.

Still working out this employment thing so hopefully by next week I'll have even better news.. but for now all I can think about is the damn depressing shit. Why is that so?


EDIT ADDED 8.4.15

GOOD NEWS!!! We've moved!! I'm FINALLY a out of the fucking shelter. This feels great. This feels awesome. And I didn't cry!! That must mean I'm an adult. I'm just saying. Olivia has her own room now and L and I's relationship has gotten a lot better. Just like I thought, now is truly when our relationship starts because we get to test it out like normally people- not like homeless vagabonds.

The stress is still high because now it's about figuring out employment. L is not working right now and I might be switching jobs. It's a lot and even though we made it... We haven't made it.


As I write. I think about the obstacles that I have overcome. I am proud of myself but I still have a lot more to go. I am not comfortable yet. I feel anxious. Because I know I am almost there. I've almost reached the point where I can breathe. Drink a cup of tea. Let my creative juices fly and make my way into my own skin. But right now I'm just at step one. It's crazy because now that I'm here (I honestly thought I'd never make it) it feels like I need to rush into the next thing. I want so bad to be able to feel relief knowing that I don't have to stress ( all that much) about money.. Right now everything is up in the air and its nerve wracking. Like what the fuck is gonna happen now?!!?? Will I by any chance get to step 2??? Will it take me another 5..10..15..20 years??!! Like hell!!! Life is too short to waste time by wasting away my talent, skills, innovation, energy etc.

I had a talk with my current boss and for a while there I doubted myself. I doubted I'd get where and what I want. Then after that day of doubt I said " Fuck that shit, I'm fucking awesome."
And that was that. I decided to not let his poison put me to sleep. I chewed that apple then I spit it out. Poison taste gross, and life's too short for gross things. I'd like to digest something yummy, so I updated my resume and I'm sending it out today- no matter what. I'm handling my business and I'm going to continue to do so until I've reached step 2. I'm going to ask for help, from everyone.. Because that's how I got to step 1. I never gave up and I got help wherever I could. So fuck it. Let's do this...

Disappointment

I believe I wrote another post on this topic. However, j found it to be relevant again, so I thought I'd bring it up. 

At first I was against writing a depressing post, but then I thought... Wasn't this blog supposed to be a reflection of my actual feelings and thoughts? No holds barred? Of course, so even though there are things (aka Olivia) that excite my life, currently my soul is drowning in depressive thoughts. So I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry for those who would like to see a story of triumph and overcoming. Nothing in my life has been overcame. 

I have just found myself in a slightly less dire situation than before. 

But i digress, disappointment. 

Pretty much I hate everything or everything hates me. I've been trying to ponder what I've been doing wrong, because a lot of time when people complain about their lives they never take any blame. But I want to make sure that it's not me, even though I am my own common factor. I believe its the choices I make. I expectorant from people, from opportunities than those things can ever offer. However that is the only blame I can place on myself. I feel overwhelmed by my need for basic things and the failures in my attempts to achieve them. 

Let's make a list:

My relationship.

I hate it. I hope I'm never in another relationship again. And yes, I do understand that this is a temporary feeling. But I am reveling in it. Because it is consuming me.  It's legit the most disappointing thing in my life. It's making me become someone that I'm pretty sure I'm not. It's breaking my heart and killing me. It's toxic. It's also the entrapment. Well my concern is entrapment. I care too much. About a great many things. Him for one. What would he do if I say leave. He doesn't have many options that are fruitful to him as a man, as a human. But I'm my care for him and his wellbeing I am destroying myself. What to do? 

2.   My job

I hate it. It's a form of stress that has become all too familiar and I can't seem to shake it. I thought when I left my last job that I'd never end up in this situation again, and boy was I wrong. Because BOOM, I'm here practically half dead because I have no more of myself left to give. I had hoped that I could just push through, hit everyday is a damn fight. Almost everything is at this point. And the worst part is it's still not enough pay to be worth the stress. What to do? 

3.   My living situation

I hate it. When will I get the fuck out of the shelter system??!!!! It's the most frustrating thing ever. And it feels like I have no control of how I'm getting out of here. I don't have enough income and my credit sucks, L is just as worthless. What to do?

There might be a 4,5,6... But I can't think of them. Just dwelling on those 3 have given me a major depressive headache. 

I posted earlier about running away... It's a thing for me... I always feel that when shit gets tough get away from it. That's how I feel right now. I wanna pack up Olis' and my things and just fucking go. I don't know where...But I feel like this isn't the place for me. I'm thinking about doing research again. On places I can go, get a leg up. Maybe a program somewhere can help me thrive. Or at least fucking start, like I've been running in circles for years now. It's getting tiresome, I swear. 

It's killing me. There's blood everywhere !! This lifestyle is killing me. 

2015... yah??!!

Ok, so this is my first official post in the new year. I had actually started writing another post while in the train (on my phone), but the blogger app is shit and it didn't save it... so... I'm here not really writing a post.

I just didn't want to leave this month blank, and it's almost over, so I needed to pump out something. Ideally, I'd like to post about once a week (because everyday would be overkill, I'm not that interesting), however I find that because the app is so infuriating and because there's only one computer in the house and I'm not normally bo-guarding it, that it takes forever for me to post... anything.

Having said that I guess I can get into a little update (even though I despise the idea of that right now):

- Hopefully awaiting placement into an apartment (Yah!! I wasn't staying here in the shelter, waiting for a helping hand from the government; I just wanted to get my shit together, but if they're going to lend a helping hand, I might as well take it.)

- Got a new job! As an administrative assistant/personal assistant. It's tough and can be stressful sometimes, but I'm thankful. The pay wasn't what I was hoping for, but it's one step better than what I had before (literally $1 more per hour)

- Been working on looking a lot at myself and my situation and reflecting on what changes need to happen in the near and distant future.

The goal is to look at these update post every month and reflect on my monthly goals. Please see below:

• Get up to date on bills
• Set reachable plan of action and employment goals with L
• Create savings 
• Create workable budget

I think I'll leave this as that. Since we're at the end of January, I'll have this goal list be for the month of February, so towards the end of that month I'll reflect. P.S You might hear nothing about this list until then. I believe that this way I can see my trajectory and growth over the year. 

Well, until next week.