Nightmares

Had a bad dream just now. I don't want to write about the details because I'll never sleep again. It wasn't super scary at the end, just emotionally charged with high energy. Of a child I said was no longer mine. He was a little boy. He was not alive. 

I've only ever felt guilt over my abortion shortly after it was over. I still have the sonogram as if it was Olivia's. But I think I've repressed any real heartbreak. My gut says it was a son. Sigh. Maybe I'm speculating to much. 

When I woke up, I reached for L and he got upset. I hate that. I can't tell anymore if I actually hate him, or if I'm just beyond disappointed. 

There was other children in the dream. They died from drinking poisoned milk from a daycare. I don't know my connection. But I was trying to unravel something. Me and my two daughters I think. And L. Alternate universe L.

I think there was 2 me's in the dream. Real me and alternate universe me. I'm not shaking anymore, but I'm afraid to let sleep take over. I'm exhausted though. I don't want to think about this anyone, but that boys pain.....

I feel like I have no one to talk to. I hate this.