Untitled

So I stopped to think to myself.... I hate everything right now. 

Probably the only person I don't hate at the moment is Olivia. Because I could never hate her. It's not possible. No matter how upset I am, I look at her and peace and love floods me. She is my happiness. Manifested in a human form. 

Which means that I no longer have it. She is all the best parts of me. Therefore I am only all the worse. 

Never thought of that until this precise moment. As I write this on the subway to work. Aware of every wrong that's taking place. Things have only gotten worse since I last posted and I thought it'd be impossible but of course there's always room for another hole, even if it means making one that already exist bigger. 

I don't know. All I can do is write. This weekend is all I've got. 

Here's how I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to look for an apartment, aggressively. For just myself. And my daughter. Studio or 1 bedroom. I will get an apartment by next week. And I will use every penny I have to do so. But ill be in a place. L is no longer working so he's not tied down to the Bronx by convenience. He can choose to stay here and find a room or bunk with me and Olivia until he finds a place of his own. 

I'm going to put all my energy into this. This is my last affront. If it doesn't work I'm going to a shelter, or rather... A homelessness prevention unit. In hopes that they give me the boost I need. In fact  I might go there anyway. During my intense search. By Wednesday of next week I will be out of this current apartment. And I'll do it my way on my terms. I'm going to stop caring about other people. Because its only brought about my suffering. I am way too important for that. As well, once that's settled, my goal is to get full time work after this summer. One of the companies that I either already am, or have been affiliated with should be able to give me that. At least 24k per year. Ill save up and I'm moving out of the state. Maybe Rhode Island. I'm going to lease a mini copper but before that learn stick shift. On my own. And then I will buy a house. This will of course be with the help of others, but for now I'm doing things on my own. 

I know that's what I've been trying to do for the longest, but you can't do things on your own while trying to help other people. I can't do it anymore. I've got to cut my loses.

Sorry mom I love you, but it's YOUR job as a parent to help me up, it shouldn't be a co effort. Because at the end of the day, we just both end up down. So in lieu of that, I'm gonna pull myself up, and then focus on doing my duty. 

I've gotten to a very dire point, where I have realized, I didn't get myself here... I thought in had, but in all actuality, I didn't. I've been thinking and thinking to myself, I wish I was cold hearted enough to not have to care/worry about others long enough to care/worry about myself. It's sad, but honest. 

I don't have time for idle conversations, friendships, or relationships. I've got the basics of ME to focus on. I can't cater to everyone right now. No longer. 

So duly note, I may not post until after I'm sitting in my own place. More than likely on the floor... Till then, wish me good luck, or hard work, or whatever....

Awake

I awoke this morning with a pain I've only had once before. And it wasn't a pretty situation when that pain plagued me. But I pushed through and kept going. I had work and such to get to.

Alas, the day hasn't been well to me so far. 

I'm tired. Of all of this. 

How much persistence can one have? 

Particularly in the face of disappointment and stress?

At what point does one say, here's my out? 

And how does one make the decision?

That compromising your desires for a "way out", is the way to go. 

Is it that life is just saying, " lets see what you're capable of when you have no options..." Or is it saying, " you have options just not the one you want, stop being stubborn." 

Where's the line between stubborn and persistent?

And how does one apply that to life? 

Perhaps there really is no such thing as good luck, just hard work. If then, how do you work hard towards creating a destiny when it seems you have no say so in its creation....

I'd really like to sleep. Just sleep. And not care anymore. Whatever happens happens. Because at the point I feel like all my efforts are pointless. It seems my eyes are open but I'm not awake. Life has become a blurred form of reality, a dream that I have no real participation in. I am just the spectator to its warped splendor. I can't really be aware of what is what, or what anything means, or what I'm supposed to do. Each road seems to lead to another door of unhappiness. Is this my fate? The emotions that overcome my mind, body, and soul feel like a hurricane eating away at my energy. I am constantly being sucked into its will. I'm drowning in unknown waters, unmapped and unmarked. Because I've never been here before. 

Not exactly sure what to do, but at this moment I feel like sleeping. Unfortunately I'm still awake. 

Stress kills

I'm pretty sure the stress is killing me. It's destroying my memory and my intelligence alike. My mind can't focus on multiple things like it used to be able to, and forget things I just heard. I forget words and phrases that used to be second hand to me. I'm not the same. I'm not myself. My creativity and inspiration are both at an all time low. Even at my worse, in the pits of the hell that is depression I wasn't this bad. I don't know how I'm making it through each day. My body is sending me all sorts of emotional, mental, and especially physical signals. I believe that slowly but surely I'm shutting down. 

But really who is to blame? I could spend the rest of this post naming and blaming but really it's just the life that I've landed myself in. The circumstances that I was too stubborn to foresee. And although I don't know who I am anymore I know that it was me and only me that walked to this place I now find myself in. 

Call me naive, childish, irresponsible, but honestly all it is is misguided. Or rather lack there of. I've spent a lot of time being told what to do, not shown. Forced into an opinion that wasn't my own. And I rebelled. Had my spirit been nourished and guided, id probably be at a better point in my life. 

Oh well, it is what it is. 

So now, all I have is this stress. That's eating away at me. Tearing me at the seams. And while others look upon the broken pieces on the floor, some walk upon them, others sadly sigh, I stand aside and watch, waiting for a guide. 

Reserved

There's a part of my heart that's reserved  for me and for those who I want to give it to. 

I like to think that one day ill be free to do just that. 

But at this point my heart is not my own. 

It is ruled by convenience and humility. Hope that I can cause change. 

But I have a piece of my heart for those who really deserve it. For that person who understands me fully and makes it skip a beat with just a thought of them. 

That piece is covered in cobwebs in a cold dark corner in the recesses of my body, but it's there. Waiting. Patiently. While the rest of my heart gets beaten and bruised. That part is begging for freedom like a guilt tripped abusee.   

He's said before that he sometimes believes that I prefer that he treats me that way. I don't get that... 

Is that what happens when you get emotionally/verbally abused so much that you can't even fight it anymore? Until it gets to the point where others think you enjoy it? 

I wish I knew. 

I don't understand. What to do.... Where to go...how to get rid of this emptiness I feel. How to stop berating and blaming myself for the way others treat me. How to grow up. How to be a woman. How to be a person. How to help this deeply hurt child in my soul. How to make sense of all of this. How to get what I want. How to get love, be loved, feel love. And how to properly return it. 

Who to love and who not to...

I wish I knew. 

I don't know what

I'm at the pinnacle, the precipice of I don't know what. 

I can't call this stress, or anger, or depression because its more like a mixture of all of that. 

I told my best friend the other day I'm like the human form/manifestation if a bruise. 

Literally, it's like I'm  sensitive to everything...everything...EVERYTHING! 

And at this point everything is so askew on all aspects that I can't even begin to make sense of it, or to muster up the energy to deal with it. 

Where has my life gone? Where is it taking me? These lessons that I'm learning through pain have not provided me with the ability to make changes. 

We've got to move by August 1st. So by next week. 

We have no prospects what so ever. We put some money into a realtor, but with our particular mix of shitty backgrounds we only qualify for one apartment. And it's more than we were looking to spend on rent. But it's our only hope at this point so we're gonna check it out. But we haven't even seen the place yet. I just hope that it's worth it's exorbitant price. 

NYC rent is rape I tell ya. 

As well, we'd still need the money to move in. Which is currently non existent. So it's looking like we're going to have to borrow. I'm putting all my faith in my mom, but I can't totally depend on her..

And because L hasn't been working its up to me and my overdrawn acct. 

 We're between a rock and a hard place. 

I'm up shits creek. 

Where is life's divine lesson? How does it end? Who determines that? 

Because I'm feeling pretty powerless.

Love letter #1

I write you a Love letter. Because i never have. 

I write you a Love letter because you're all I have.

I write you a Love letter because you deserve more. 

I write you a Love letter because its secretly what you're waiting for. 

It's the whispers, the kisses in the night. The soft hugs of reassurance. The passionate sex after a hurtful fight.

It's the melody inside of me that resonates with you telepathically, you're all I need eventually two lost souls on a path of destiny. 

Don't count yourself short or sell yourself high. It's not the magic of the destination but the amazement in the ride. And with you there's a roller-coaster of affairs we're waiting to share in the recesses of living rooms bathrooms and tiny spaces placing on tables our boxed up hearts in cages. I know your temper rages and i can be stubborn like an ass but its the future were looking towards not the past the humanity in our sanity or lack there of nothing that can't be cured with an unexpected kiss or a strong hug. Filling each others souls with goals that we can only reach together honestly our best and probably only policy no matter how hard it may be these words I write with love and hopes for light let the ego that swells within your heart take flight and be certain ill catch it with all my might. We may not be wrong we may not be right but in these love letters it's worth the fight. It's why I write. 

A Love letter to you 

Because its all I can do. 

To prove 

How much i really love you. 

In ways that words cannot obtain or sentiments cannot contain. Promises that don't remain. In times where there's nothing but pain. A reminder that although we may never change, the feelings will always be the same.

And as I write please note the flaws that we see in each other are only temporary moments of uncertainty. When you've forgotten how much you mean to me. When your eyes are blind and I have to help you see. I hope it's this Love letter that will put your mind at ease. And bring your heart back to its tempo'd beat. 

And once more ill remind you what your looking for, found not at mine, but at your souls door. 

And one day when we've gone about our hearts way, and there's nothing left to say, you can pass this love letter on in some way. 

Stress

I'm stressed out beyond max capacity.

I think I've reached my limit. 

I'm going to implode. 

This can't possibly be safe for those around me....

My mothers being evicted. 

In all sincerity it's L's fault. But I shan't dare bring it up to him in justification for my wiry schedule... Oh no!!

Sooo, I've got to help her move. And I've got to get my stuff In storage.

And it seems like I don't have the money nor the time, nor the patience, nor the mental capacity for any of those things. 

I haven't been good with deadlines and appointments. And scheduling. I'm too stressed. My mind can't concentrate on one thing in particular. So it just shuts down.

An in turn makes me even more stressed.

Sigh. I start work next week. Still missing documentation. Can't find my damn high school diploma. 

Now the daycare is telling me that my daughter can't be there as long as I've had here there as of recent. 

I really need things to calm down. I need stability or I'm gonna pop a screw...

Now NY state tax revenue wants me to pay $641 by Friday... Like WTF??!!

They must be smoking crack.

As well. L is stressing me out. I can't pinpoint how exactly. Probably because he's just being himself and not being very emotionally helpful. Maybe I'm not being emotionally helpful either. Although I doubt that. 

Then... My living situation has become its own warp of stress. 

I'm going to break.... ...

....

Someone's neck....

At the moment I'm rushing to pick up my daughter. I'm running late. They charge a $1 per minute that your late.

Then I've got to come back to continue helping my mother move. 

The Marshall comes tomorrow... 

There's a boat load of other stressors. 

Like my $560 something phone bill. 

Or my $141 storage bill. 

Both due on the 10th. 

Or the fact that I'm already broke beyond belief. 

And my daughter still had needs. 

And I don't have food stamps.

And...

I hope I end up in the Bronx like right now....

Now...

....

...

Hmm, not happening I guess.

I'm exhausted from being so stressed. And because I don't get much sleep. 

Hopefully by the end of this week all will be well. I fucking hope because if not.... I don't know what'll happen. 

I'm tired. I wanna just check out and slowly disintegrate in front of a tv show on Netflix.   But I've got responsibilities. 

I'm an adult. 

Trying to obtain my independence. And now it just seems like I'm only asserting my failure. If I didn't care as much, in probably wouldn't be as stressed I think. 

Too bad that just isn't me. 

Hi. Hello. Welcome. Warning.

Dear readers (new and old alike), 

Welcome! 

Dear passerby's,

Stay for a while! 

I just now decided that I'd start tagging some of my post. I do understand this may (and may not) generate more traffic on my blog. Therefore I decided to write like a welcome message before those of you who are new, delve into the extreme details of my personal life. As I have written before, probably a long time ago, names written here have been changed, abbreviated, etc. to protect identities. I do however have a few followers who know me personally, if so (and you decide to comment and/or share) please remember to keep my identity confidential. 

Quite possibly one day this may end up being a book and for those who have joined me for the ride now you'll get a special thanks/shout out! 

I write my life in such explicit detail because I think it's about time that people be real with each other about how the world really is. It's tough as fuck.  And yet we can only get through this together. Through understanding and comraderey.  

I do not write to please or impress anyone. If you don't like something don't read it. Don't like,comment, or share. Because I will delete any inappropriate or nasty remarks. And please take your hate somewhere else, because it is NOT welcome here. 

But alas, for those if you who could give a shit about all that crap and are just here to enjoy and/or be entertained, feel understood, or whatever other positive vibey stuff, then Hi, WELCOME!!!