New Direction

No, not the band. Although I'm really upset that I enjoy their latest song (Drag me down.. NOBODY NOBODAAAAAAAYYYYY!!). I'm supposed to be too cool for mainstream!! -_-. Although I fucking love Maroon 5. Feelings is on the top of my list right now. Actually, why don't I take a break from depressing shit and make a list of all my favorites as of now. [This sounds like a lot of fun and will help me ignore not having eaten anything for lunch. *insert thumbs up emoji* (when are they going to get emoji's for blogger.. WHEN???!!... What's even more weird is that when I use the app and I add emoji's they don't come up on the website as emoji's. Catch up Google. >. >]

1. Feelings - Maroon 5 
2. Faded - Zhu (ODESZA remix)
3. Sunny - Hippy Sabotage
4. Hotline Bling - Drake
5. ANYTHING THEY MAKE! - Alina Baraz & Galimatas
6. Out of My League - Fitz & The Tantrums
7. ANYTHING THEY MAKE! - Little Dragon
8. Babylon - SZA
9. Coffee, Dress, Hey Mami, Play It Right - Sylvan Esso
10. Without You, My Friends Never Die - ODESZA
11. F Dat - Slick Shoota  
12. Lean On - Major Lazer
13. Summer, How Deep is Your Love - Calvin Harris
14. Pretty Lights - One Day They'll Know (ODESZA remix)
15. The Wheel - SOHN

I think it's pretty safe to say that this only grazes my musical enjoyment, but I really love anything that comes across my desk. I'm looking forward to moving into international stuff, because I've heard some K-pop clips and I really like them! 

 Well I think I've all but completely forgotten about what this post was originally going to be about..

Oh yes, I'm going to try new things. TADA! 

Maybe its safe to say...

I'm slowly dying. That stress has reached a peak where its physical effects outweigh the emotional.

He's lost all respect for me. Because I haven't kicked him out. And k out up with his shit and still love him, almost unconditionally. 

I'm ready to give up. Because this all seems pointless and it hurts far too much far too many times, for far too long. 

This could be the end. A sour beginning of something that's not me. And a sweet hello to something that will destroy me entirely. 

I wonder what I've done wrong?

I'm very tired today. I find it so odd that every time I get paid somehow, some way I end up being more stressed. I guess it's because I have to take care of bills and I'd rather just avoid them.

I think If I had just enough money to get everything done, this includes little things like laundry and toiletries, then I'd be happy. It's not having enough money and stressing about how I'm going to make an inch stretch a mile that's driving me insane. I'm not comfortable with that.

So this morning when I realized that my check was well below my hopes (not my secret expectations mind you) I started off by advising L of the current financial situation. And he promptly proceeded to shut me down because he didn't want to hear about it.

Basically, I explained to him that I wouldn't have enough money to pay the rent...
(I honestly wanted his feedback on what he thought we should do.. pay some of it? Find out if I could make arrangements? I was just tired of being burdened with all of these "what if's?")
and he got upset and told me to just pay the rent and now worry about everything else like laundry (mind you it's been almost 3 weeks since laundry has been done because the laundry money went to other thing that it shouldn't have. I told him that I might not have enough for event that. And again he proceeded to shut me down stating that he didn't want to know and that I should just pretend he wasn't there.

I broke down. Because all I wanted was to not have to carry this stress by myself. I wanted some type of feedback or support, even if it's emotional. I just wanted reassurance that everything was going to be ok, and that he'd be working just as hard to figure it out. But I didn't get that, because that's not the type of person he is. So here I am 2 steps away from death. Feeling nauseous as fuck and a migraine the size of Africa. (I hope I'm not pregnant, but this has been the 4th day in a row I feel like this).

I'm ready to tell him to pack his things and leave. Because at least if he's not going to be bare minimum emotionally supportive then he's only bringing me down. He thinks I should pretend he's not there, when I think he just shouldn't be. I'm fed up, and there's but so much a girl can take. I've done nothing but supportive and patient with him and he cannot afford me the same. I never make decisions like that on an emotional bend so I'm giving myself the day, maybe even the weekend, to mull it over. I'm not sure if I'm in the right state of mind, considering all this stress, but it's probably the closest I'll get to right at this point. I'd like to go home and sulk about this on my couch but I cannot.

I'm broke and it's only getting worse and I don't know what to do and I'd like to stop being stressed and I just want to curl up in a ball or run away to Australia or finish this sentence but I cannot because my  emotions are bubbling up inside me and I swear I'm going to explode at one point or anther and the holidays are coming up and you know how I get around that time and I just wanted this year to be better and easier, which makes me rethink kicking L out because that would put a rift in the holidays, maybe for new years, ok, I really need a period.

My lunch hour is coming up soon, but I don't feel like eating. I'm thanking the Goddess in my head that the phones are quiet today and that no one is really coming to the window today. What a blessing. I think I could be on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm shaking and I can't really concentrate. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm sure no actual work is going to get done today. This sucks. This really sucks.

Well, I at least need to finish making those calls ....

I also realized - mid rant- that I've gotten fed up with a lot of things in my life. I've slowly stopped talking to my best friend because I just don't want to. Which upsets me, because I wish I could talk to someone but I don't like whining, I like solutions and at this point no one has been able to offer me that so I just stopped asking.

My irritability and emotionalism has lead me to believe that something is wrong with me, but maybe it's just the stress or the bipolar disorder or even the lack of menstruation that I've been experiencing for months because of this damn IUD.

Wow, this is a really long post.

I hate going on a rant about all the bad and stressful things in my life but it seems as though that's all I have. I think that sucks more than anything. I want more than this.

I thought ....

I was thinking about publishing another post or something sort of to say... Happy New Year.

And so ....

Happy New Year.

It's 2014 and again, I don't feel that much different, but I do feel more hopeful.

I think.

no... I know.

I've decided to just play the tides out and work a little harder about going for what I want.

NOT what Tom, Joe, and Sally want. (nothing against anyone named that... good going for you.) But Olivia is the most important thing to me and I MUST do better by her this year.

She'll be two this year. I've decided to attach a picture of her loveliness.

Peek-a-Boo

Can you see her??

Isn't she just adorable?? hahahahahahahhaha

I'm sorry that was as much as I was willing to subject her to your scrutiny/judgment. Maybe one day I'll fully disclose myself and my daughter. Or possibly when my book publishes you'll just be able to Google us....  

Anyway, yes. 2014. 

I didn't say it last year, so maybe that's why it didn't come to fruition. But this is the year. That I break my barriers and reach my goals. Things are already happening, so I can feel it. I'm so excited. 

For those of you who've made it this far with me, thanks. Stick around there's more to come. 

And for those who've just hopped on this ride... Stick around, there's more to come. 

Awake

I awoke this morning with a pain I've only had once before. And it wasn't a pretty situation when that pain plagued me. But I pushed through and kept going. I had work and such to get to.

Alas, the day hasn't been well to me so far. 

I'm tired. Of all of this. 

How much persistence can one have? 

Particularly in the face of disappointment and stress?

At what point does one say, here's my out? 

And how does one make the decision?

That compromising your desires for a "way out", is the way to go. 

Is it that life is just saying, " lets see what you're capable of when you have no options..." Or is it saying, " you have options just not the one you want, stop being stubborn." 

Where's the line between stubborn and persistent?

And how does one apply that to life? 

Perhaps there really is no such thing as good luck, just hard work. If then, how do you work hard towards creating a destiny when it seems you have no say so in its creation....

I'd really like to sleep. Just sleep. And not care anymore. Whatever happens happens. Because at the point I feel like all my efforts are pointless. It seems my eyes are open but I'm not awake. Life has become a blurred form of reality, a dream that I have no real participation in. I am just the spectator to its warped splendor. I can't really be aware of what is what, or what anything means, or what I'm supposed to do. Each road seems to lead to another door of unhappiness. Is this my fate? The emotions that overcome my mind, body, and soul feel like a hurricane eating away at my energy. I am constantly being sucked into its will. I'm drowning in unknown waters, unmapped and unmarked. Because I've never been here before. 

Not exactly sure what to do, but at this moment I feel like sleeping. Unfortunately I'm still awake.