Nightmares

Had a bad dream just now. I don't want to write about the details because I'll never sleep again. It wasn't super scary at the end, just emotionally charged with high energy. Of a child I said was no longer mine. He was a little boy. He was not alive. 

I've only ever felt guilt over my abortion shortly after it was over. I still have the sonogram as if it was Olivia's. But I think I've repressed any real heartbreak. My gut says it was a son. Sigh. Maybe I'm speculating to much. 

When I woke up, I reached for L and he got upset. I hate that. I can't tell anymore if I actually hate him, or if I'm just beyond disappointed. 

There was other children in the dream. They died from drinking poisoned milk from a daycare. I don't know my connection. But I was trying to unravel something. Me and my two daughters I think. And L. Alternate universe L.

I think there was 2 me's in the dream. Real me and alternate universe me. I'm not shaking anymore, but I'm afraid to let sleep take over. I'm exhausted though. I don't want to think about this anyone, but that boys pain.....

I feel like I have no one to talk to. I hate this. 

The End

Death will not come first as the end. It will come as AN end. It will not come into your life first during your last breath, but in betwixt a heartbeat, and will leave you breathless. It will swiftly take away any light that once existed and not replace it with darkness, but with gray. Sounds will be muted and you be just a spectator to glory that will once never fully be yours. Time states that it has the ability to heal all wounds but this one will be fatal. The YOU that passes will never be resurrected, possibly replaced, but never reborn.

This is an unspoken death. An unrealized death. There is no surgeon general warning. There is no cure, no walks, no PSA.

Asking for too much

I thought I started a post about this, but I can't seem to locate it. Maybe it was just an inner dialogue that I wished I had posted. Either way, I have t do this again.

Is it possible that I am asking for way too much from life? Like good shit isn't supposed to kick in until I'm 30 and I'm over here rushing it. Maybe, just maybe,my life is exactly what it's supposed to be and I should just go with the flow... 

Awake

I awoke this morning with a pain I've only had once before. And it wasn't a pretty situation when that pain plagued me. But I pushed through and kept going. I had work and such to get to.

Alas, the day hasn't been well to me so far. 

I'm tired. Of all of this. 

How much persistence can one have? 

Particularly in the face of disappointment and stress?

At what point does one say, here's my out? 

And how does one make the decision?

That compromising your desires for a "way out", is the way to go. 

Is it that life is just saying, " lets see what you're capable of when you have no options..." Or is it saying, " you have options just not the one you want, stop being stubborn." 

Where's the line between stubborn and persistent?

And how does one apply that to life? 

Perhaps there really is no such thing as good luck, just hard work. If then, how do you work hard towards creating a destiny when it seems you have no say so in its creation....

I'd really like to sleep. Just sleep. And not care anymore. Whatever happens happens. Because at the point I feel like all my efforts are pointless. It seems my eyes are open but I'm not awake. Life has become a blurred form of reality, a dream that I have no real participation in. I am just the spectator to its warped splendor. I can't really be aware of what is what, or what anything means, or what I'm supposed to do. Each road seems to lead to another door of unhappiness. Is this my fate? The emotions that overcome my mind, body, and soul feel like a hurricane eating away at my energy. I am constantly being sucked into its will. I'm drowning in unknown waters, unmapped and unmarked. Because I've never been here before. 

Not exactly sure what to do, but at this moment I feel like sleeping. Unfortunately I'm still awake.