Maybe its safe to say...

I'm slowly dying. That stress has reached a peak where its physical effects outweigh the emotional.

He's lost all respect for me. Because I haven't kicked him out. And k out up with his shit and still love him, almost unconditionally. 

I'm ready to give up. Because this all seems pointless and it hurts far too much far too many times, for far too long. 

This could be the end. A sour beginning of something that's not me. And a sweet hello to something that will destroy me entirely. 

I wonder what I've done wrong?

I'm very tired today. I find it so odd that every time I get paid somehow, some way I end up being more stressed. I guess it's because I have to take care of bills and I'd rather just avoid them.

I think If I had just enough money to get everything done, this includes little things like laundry and toiletries, then I'd be happy. It's not having enough money and stressing about how I'm going to make an inch stretch a mile that's driving me insane. I'm not comfortable with that.

So this morning when I realized that my check was well below my hopes (not my secret expectations mind you) I started off by advising L of the current financial situation. And he promptly proceeded to shut me down because he didn't want to hear about it.

Basically, I explained to him that I wouldn't have enough money to pay the rent...
(I honestly wanted his feedback on what he thought we should do.. pay some of it? Find out if I could make arrangements? I was just tired of being burdened with all of these "what if's?")
and he got upset and told me to just pay the rent and now worry about everything else like laundry (mind you it's been almost 3 weeks since laundry has been done because the laundry money went to other thing that it shouldn't have. I told him that I might not have enough for event that. And again he proceeded to shut me down stating that he didn't want to know and that I should just pretend he wasn't there.

I broke down. Because all I wanted was to not have to carry this stress by myself. I wanted some type of feedback or support, even if it's emotional. I just wanted reassurance that everything was going to be ok, and that he'd be working just as hard to figure it out. But I didn't get that, because that's not the type of person he is. So here I am 2 steps away from death. Feeling nauseous as fuck and a migraine the size of Africa. (I hope I'm not pregnant, but this has been the 4th day in a row I feel like this).

I'm ready to tell him to pack his things and leave. Because at least if he's not going to be bare minimum emotionally supportive then he's only bringing me down. He thinks I should pretend he's not there, when I think he just shouldn't be. I'm fed up, and there's but so much a girl can take. I've done nothing but supportive and patient with him and he cannot afford me the same. I never make decisions like that on an emotional bend so I'm giving myself the day, maybe even the weekend, to mull it over. I'm not sure if I'm in the right state of mind, considering all this stress, but it's probably the closest I'll get to right at this point. I'd like to go home and sulk about this on my couch but I cannot.

I'm broke and it's only getting worse and I don't know what to do and I'd like to stop being stressed and I just want to curl up in a ball or run away to Australia or finish this sentence but I cannot because my  emotions are bubbling up inside me and I swear I'm going to explode at one point or anther and the holidays are coming up and you know how I get around that time and I just wanted this year to be better and easier, which makes me rethink kicking L out because that would put a rift in the holidays, maybe for new years, ok, I really need a period.

My lunch hour is coming up soon, but I don't feel like eating. I'm thanking the Goddess in my head that the phones are quiet today and that no one is really coming to the window today. What a blessing. I think I could be on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm shaking and I can't really concentrate. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm sure no actual work is going to get done today. This sucks. This really sucks.

Well, I at least need to finish making those calls ....

I also realized - mid rant- that I've gotten fed up with a lot of things in my life. I've slowly stopped talking to my best friend because I just don't want to. Which upsets me, because I wish I could talk to someone but I don't like whining, I like solutions and at this point no one has been able to offer me that so I just stopped asking.

My irritability and emotionalism has lead me to believe that something is wrong with me, but maybe it's just the stress or the bipolar disorder or even the lack of menstruation that I've been experiencing for months because of this damn IUD.

Wow, this is a really long post.

I hate going on a rant about all the bad and stressful things in my life but it seems as though that's all I have. I think that sucks more than anything. I want more than this.

Asking for too much

I thought I started a post about this, but I can't seem to locate it. Maybe it was just an inner dialogue that I wished I had posted. Either way, I have t do this again.

Is it possible that I am asking for way too much from life? Like good shit isn't supposed to kick in until I'm 30 and I'm over here rushing it. Maybe, just maybe,my life is exactly what it's supposed to be and I should just go with the flow... 

A new chapter

Hi again,

So after some very tough times with L. We're still living together and might even be taking a vacation in a few months.. but that's besides the point. The point is that I am still in a place that I don't want to be in. I am not happy in my relationship, but I am not one to kick someone I care about in the dirt (no matter how much he's hurt me..well.. no  matter how much he's annoyed me severely and made my life a living hellooo). I am hoping that maybe if I focus on myself I can just leave on my own.

I would never never never displace my daughter; so I would only leave if I perhaps got into low income housing or I was buying a house (or renting a house for a reasonable price) either way, I'm not budging (no matter how uncomfortable I feel unless those aforementioned cases were in play.

I have that talk with L every so often because I like to gauge where his mind is at, but he still keeps shifting and flipping, I can't keep up with him honestly. The truth is that I know  what I want. But it seems like he has no idea. Recently our sex life has proven more to how he feels because it hasn't been the same in months. It's like there's this disconnect and maybe I've echoed this previously, but it's more prevalent now. It almost feels like we're having sex just because. As if I could be anyone really and as long as he come out with a happy ending all is well. It feels like I'm the only one suffering from this. Perhaps it's because I'm such an emotional person and sex for me is rooted deeply in emotion. If that's not there than I'm just not into it.

This hurts the more I think about it, but it's something that can't be prevented. I've tried everything to make this relationship work, but I honestly know this is temporary. I just wish that he could come to his senses and admit how he truly feels. I hope he doesn't think he's sparing me any pain because in all actuality, I've never felt pain like this before.
My wounds can't close, I can't heal, I can't move on...I'm just stuck in purgatory.

Exclusion

So first and foremost I have to apologize for those who wished this blog had more photos.. Maybe one day I'll get to that point. I'd also like to post my video diaries on here at some point in time, but for now, sorry not sorry.

So.. I know I've written about this topic before but it's crossed my mind and it seems a little bit even more prevalent again. So I guess rather than allude to it I'll just put it out there. I'm fucking lonely. I'm such an outsider.

Frankly put I find it hard to find a place to fit in. And with that, I find that I am excluded from most things.

I don't know what it is... am I too Intense? Intimidating? Forgettable? Not funny enough? Not flexible enough? Too poor? Too depressed? Too weird?

I honestly don't fucking get it.. I feel like no matter what I'm invisible. Seriously.

Take this blog for example, I've tried almost everything to get it a little attention on here, even though it's very personal and I'm not really that interested in people I know reading it - I'd like for people I don't know to.. but nada. Of course the internet is a big place so maybe this is a bad example.

So I'll try using any activity or group I try to associate with. I never fit in, and for the most part people forget about me and then lie about forgetting. It's kinda sad.

I can't even make new friends.

I'm even invisible in my relationship, I find myself feeling lonely because there is no more soul connection. Not sure what happened.

Even the other day I was speaking to my best friend and I didn't feel a soul connection. It was heartbreaking (even though I know it was all my imagination.. I hope)

I find that I feel like a damn outcast. Is it because I complain too much?

Is it because I have too many reasons too complain. Can't put my finger on it....

I'm thinking about deleting my social media sites anyway. I don't any type of enjoyment from them to be honest, and there's no socializing done on there. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that right now.
Oddly enough my phone restarted.... weird... but I feel  little better now, albeit more isolated.

I think I'd like to cut a lot of people out of my life. Mostly because they're a waste of space. Not that everyone in your life should be doing something for you - but they should be serving a purpose to enrich your life through friendship or companionship.
(p.s. I've signed up on a pen pal website.. am I pathetic or what???)

I just can't shake this hole in my heart. It's sad. For some reason I feel like further isolation might make me feel better. Maybe I'll be able to at least rid myself of negative energy that comes with having people in your life that just don't give a fuck... Honestly I don't really know.. guess I'll have to follow back up on this in a month.

Awake

I awoke this morning with a pain I've only had once before. And it wasn't a pretty situation when that pain plagued me. But I pushed through and kept going. I had work and such to get to.

Alas, the day hasn't been well to me so far. 

I'm tired. Of all of this. 

How much persistence can one have? 

Particularly in the face of disappointment and stress?

At what point does one say, here's my out? 

And how does one make the decision?

That compromising your desires for a "way out", is the way to go. 

Is it that life is just saying, " lets see what you're capable of when you have no options..." Or is it saying, " you have options just not the one you want, stop being stubborn." 

Where's the line between stubborn and persistent?

And how does one apply that to life? 

Perhaps there really is no such thing as good luck, just hard work. If then, how do you work hard towards creating a destiny when it seems you have no say so in its creation....

I'd really like to sleep. Just sleep. And not care anymore. Whatever happens happens. Because at the point I feel like all my efforts are pointless. It seems my eyes are open but I'm not awake. Life has become a blurred form of reality, a dream that I have no real participation in. I am just the spectator to its warped splendor. I can't really be aware of what is what, or what anything means, or what I'm supposed to do. Each road seems to lead to another door of unhappiness. Is this my fate? The emotions that overcome my mind, body, and soul feel like a hurricane eating away at my energy. I am constantly being sucked into its will. I'm drowning in unknown waters, unmapped and unmarked. Because I've never been here before. 

Not exactly sure what to do, but at this moment I feel like sleeping. Unfortunately I'm still awake.