A new chapter

Hi again,

So after some very tough times with L. We're still living together and might even be taking a vacation in a few months.. but that's besides the point. The point is that I am still in a place that I don't want to be in. I am not happy in my relationship, but I am not one to kick someone I care about in the dirt (no matter how much he's hurt me..well.. no  matter how much he's annoyed me severely and made my life a living hellooo). I am hoping that maybe if I focus on myself I can just leave on my own.

I would never never never displace my daughter; so I would only leave if I perhaps got into low income housing or I was buying a house (or renting a house for a reasonable price) either way, I'm not budging (no matter how uncomfortable I feel unless those aforementioned cases were in play.

I have that talk with L every so often because I like to gauge where his mind is at, but he still keeps shifting and flipping, I can't keep up with him honestly. The truth is that I know  what I want. But it seems like he has no idea. Recently our sex life has proven more to how he feels because it hasn't been the same in months. It's like there's this disconnect and maybe I've echoed this previously, but it's more prevalent now. It almost feels like we're having sex just because. As if I could be anyone really and as long as he come out with a happy ending all is well. It feels like I'm the only one suffering from this. Perhaps it's because I'm such an emotional person and sex for me is rooted deeply in emotion. If that's not there than I'm just not into it.

This hurts the more I think about it, but it's something that can't be prevented. I've tried everything to make this relationship work, but I honestly know this is temporary. I just wish that he could come to his senses and admit how he truly feels. I hope he doesn't think he's sparing me any pain because in all actuality, I've never felt pain like this before.
My wounds can't close, I can't heal, I can't move on...I'm just stuck in purgatory.

Love letter #1

I write you a Love letter. Because i never have. 

I write you a Love letter because you're all I have.

I write you a Love letter because you deserve more. 

I write you a Love letter because its secretly what you're waiting for. 

It's the whispers, the kisses in the night. The soft hugs of reassurance. The passionate sex after a hurtful fight.

It's the melody inside of me that resonates with you telepathically, you're all I need eventually two lost souls on a path of destiny. 

Don't count yourself short or sell yourself high. It's not the magic of the destination but the amazement in the ride. And with you there's a roller-coaster of affairs we're waiting to share in the recesses of living rooms bathrooms and tiny spaces placing on tables our boxed up hearts in cages. I know your temper rages and i can be stubborn like an ass but its the future were looking towards not the past the humanity in our sanity or lack there of nothing that can't be cured with an unexpected kiss or a strong hug. Filling each others souls with goals that we can only reach together honestly our best and probably only policy no matter how hard it may be these words I write with love and hopes for light let the ego that swells within your heart take flight and be certain ill catch it with all my might. We may not be wrong we may not be right but in these love letters it's worth the fight. It's why I write. 

A Love letter to you 

Because its all I can do. 

To prove 

How much i really love you. 

In ways that words cannot obtain or sentiments cannot contain. Promises that don't remain. In times where there's nothing but pain. A reminder that although we may never change, the feelings will always be the same.

And as I write please note the flaws that we see in each other are only temporary moments of uncertainty. When you've forgotten how much you mean to me. When your eyes are blind and I have to help you see. I hope it's this Love letter that will put your mind at ease. And bring your heart back to its tempo'd beat. 

And once more ill remind you what your looking for, found not at mine, but at your souls door. 

And one day when we've gone about our hearts way, and there's nothing left to say, you can pass this love letter on in some way.