Hot fucking mess

Originally written last week Thursday.

I'm still on the damn train and it's oddly still packed. What is NYC?? How the hell is this even possible??

Oh well, I just realized how exhausted I really am. And to be quite honest I don't feel like I did shit. Damn. Time flies by so fast when you're hoping it doesn't.

Ive been wanting to write for some time because I've had novels in my head. I need to go back to just writing random shit in my book. I can't wait till I'm done with this job. Although it might a pathway to different kinds of stress, it's going to be a huge weight off my shoulders. I've never willing decided to be unemployed or to be a full time student. But something told me to stop fucking around. I have every right to want to be a dedicated mother and student. I deserve to be able to pursue my dreams of having my own business. I am worth a real shot after fulfillment. It might be tough at first, but something's telling me this is always where I'm meant to be.

The title goes here, but I put it down there

Mo' money Mo' problems no money no problems

For some odd reason I feel like all my bad luck came with this new job. Like, getting a higher job title and a serious pay increase wasn't actually life changing in the good way that I would've expected it to be.
As well, I feel like every day I'm still at this job just means more hardship for me.

I just feel feel like the minute I've reached my last day will be the day that everything just stops. And the sky clears and all of a sudden something amazing and unexpected happens.
Whats more weird is that I always expected that with more income I could do more things, but in fact I just became more limited in what I was able to do. It seems like more just wasn't enough. Which really got me thinking maybe I'm just getting my money from the wron place, and I need to be making my own money. Because other people's money hasn't done me any good.

I had had so many good things planned and each and every one of them failed on me.

Ive put some thought into this theory that my job is the route of all evil, lol (jk, but maybe so... 🤔)
but it might also be ill-will that people I worked with wished on me, so I need to get away from those people or person... 😒

Ive got a little over a week left now. I'm so anxious. The first thing I'm going to do is my homework.

Morbid News

Originally written a week ago.

So. I finally went to see a doctor for my Feritility.

And I learned a lot of eye opening news, the biggest one was that I was....
...

morbidly obese..

shit I didn't think I looked morbidly obese but apparently I'm more than just fat and I'm most definitely not pregnant (even though she didn't do a test, not that it mattered just got my period and I don't think I'm special enough for a miracle baby)

So my BMI is 39. Click that link if you wanna see what it means or why it means I'm over over weight. I'm not even obese... I'm morbidly obese..... Shit I could die at a moments notice, but I somehow managed to run to meet my coworker by the train station. 🤔

Im not sure how to process the information because I already knew I was fat. Like seriously. Even though I made excuses for not losing weight and I pretty much ignored it, doesn't mean I was ignorant. However what I didn't know was that it (along with my stress) was probably what was causing me to be inferitle. Makes sense considering I was waaaayyyy less fat when I got pregnant with both Olivia and the second time.

In addition, I also found out that I'm high risk because of Olivia's birth. The GYN said she wouldn't dare let me have a natural birth if I got pregnant and stayed with her... But I'm tired of those scare tatics, if I do eventually get pregnant, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. But first, I've got to loose weight.

I wish i could could just take a vitamin and poof! Or I wish I could at least find time and energy for an activity that I liked. I miss biking, but I would be able to loose the weight I needed with just that.

I know I need to change my diet but I already have a love/hate relationship with food. If I try eating 100% healthy, I probably won't eat at all.

I'll have to find some solution, because I can't stay fat ... Sorry morbidly obese...forever and I want to be able to buy nice clothes...

The misadventures of me

It's my second week of classes and although I'm not caught up on my reading or homework, I feel so much like I'm back to myself. Being a student has always been one of my most enjoyed activities.. except for when I'm in a class I can't stand or understand. But the benefit of being a college student ( at least at the school I go to now) is that I can PICK MY CLASSES!!! Oh what a fucking feeling. I love Brooklyn College, but those Core Classes were threatening to kill me.

anywhoville. This afternoon evening (it's fucking 11 at night) I found myself at a Halal truck (because I'm trying to swear off McDonalds again) and I had the "pleasure" (?) of not only giving a (possibly intoxicated) white man the money that he dropped on the floor back, but I also got suspiciously hit on by the Halal cook. *kanye shrug*

i told L about it, but he I think he assumes something more elicit was afoot. It wasn't.. or maybe I'm just oblivious. I really just want to get home. This train is oddly packed for this hour. Like seriously!! WTF??!! Ok, it's only 10:44.. but it's not like it's 4 or 5 o'clock. Why are so many people just now heading home??! And I can't eat my gyro because I'm a train packed like this, it's just plain disrespectful. And I don't like eating in an uncomfortable situation. I rather write a blog post.

Parenting 101

Olivia goes to a school that's down to earth, but what I'd like to call for worldly people. Not really for people like me.

people who work hard but still live in struggle city.

Its for those stay at home, independent worker duos. Where one parent has a lofty and maybe demanding job and the other has the full time job of keeping shit together.

I always wanted that, but I was born black and poor so that wasn't going to happen. The Universe constantly whispers, "Thanks for trying though..." However as I struggled to get Olivia to school be a supportive parent, then shuffle her to a babysitter and try to be an appropriate employee.. I realized. This shit isn't for you girl.
I have two choices.. Drop work and take care of my child, myself, my life.. And pave the path I always wanted my way.. Or give in to being a zombie and maybe consider sending Olivia to live with another person. (Or prostitute so that I can afford a full time babysitter, but I'm not too fond of that option.)

anyway long story short... After having a breakdown at work I realized I had to put in my notice. I can't do this anymore. This job has been killing me for the past 6 months, and it's not getting any better. I'm crushed emotionally, creatively, and a little professionally. I've been drowning and I can't get my footing right anymore. I'm not properly equipped for the height of stress this job has placed on me. So rather then eventually slip into psychosis, I'm going to fall back.

Olivia said something to me that got me really inspired to do this, she asked me : "Mommy are you going to leave me?" And I said, "No of course not" and she replied, "you're going to stay with me forever..? " and simply said "forever and ever...."

Olivia's first day of school

Olivia is the only black kid in her class, maybe the only black child in the school.

But at least she's not the only person of color. Although no ones quite her skin tone..

She he had a tough start, but I think she'll be fine. I really like the school. And she really likes it as well.

her first day made me realize ONE major thing....

im doing this parenting thing ALL wrong.

Writing

I'm going to start writing my novel. For real this time.
ive already got a title and I don't know why this title is lit, but it's lit. Well now that I think about it, this could very well be my book. ......

who knows...

but ive felt like writing recently. Furious typing and editing and melting and sewing together a wonderfully good story.

I recently realized that I haven't been able to write fiction because I've lost the fairy tail in my life. I'm surrounded by reality and its mind crushing. While having sex I was inspired, and that inspiration felt great.
I was inspired by a symphony of words that were the echo of my real experiences. I am thoroughly suprised at my real voice.

I'm so fat I look pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if I was and my body was just playing cruel tricks on me making me think I wasn't. I've plenty of dreams where that's the case. But I don't think I'm that special. I just think I'm stressed and the stress is manifesting as a ball of fat on my stomach.
I spend a lot of time not hiding it, I'm sure people are wondering. No one has asked, but I wonder how I'll answer if/when they do. Would I say I'm 3 months along? Or just say... Nah I'm fat. I really thought about this and decided to say I've been trying and the vitamins I'm taking have made me really bloated but I'm keeping my fingers crossed... That's a lie, but a good one.

I think I have an affinaty for good lies. They're just enough inside the realm of belivability that they almost don't seem believable. However it would be odd to deny that it couldn't be true. Only my mom and brother and maybe L is fully aware of my ability, so I get away with it most of the time. I don't like to lie really, but telling people my personal business doesn't seem like the best choice either. Lies can sometimes be easier to explain then the complicated truth... Who's got time for that?? I was telling people L and I were engaged waaaayyyyy before we actually were, and now look at us. *kanye shrug*

back to writing...