The next day...

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. After spilling my feelings and crying, crying, crying.. I just feel done. It's terrible. I still don't know what to do.

A letter to happiness.

Dear S.

I just thought u should now. I really like you. I really do. And it's dangerous and bad because i can't ever be with u. Because i could never hurt L and u could never hurt misty*. But i feel so happy every time you're with me. So incredibly happy, words couldn't explain. And for that i must thank you, you've kept me sane. But sometimes i wish u didn't make me so happy, because then i could continue lying to myself about how when im with L, i truly felt. I could continue believing that was happiness. That it was a meant to be. I didnt know what i was missing until you gave it to me. And now im stuck. In a type of limbo that leaves me feeling so empty, confused. It's seems like no matter what I do, ill always lose. These past few weeks, that we've spent together has been almost like a dream, and now i have to wake to reality and its just not the same. I wish i knew what to say or what to do. But i don't. I feel awful. Because when im with him, im wishing i were with you. The reason i said sorry is because im sorry that i didn't give you a chance. Im sorry i was stupid and im sorry i left things to happenstance. Because now it's too late. I don't know what lay ahead of me in the future, because now i'll never be the same. I'll always be taunted by this vivid feeling i have for you, this thing i can't explain.

*name changed to protect identity, but to keep rhyme-scheme.

What I really want.

My friend was over again last night. Let's call him S. He spends most of his time by my house when he's not working.
He said the most amazing thing to me. I was resting on his chest and we were talking, about all sorts of things... his family, high school, random stuff that I can't even remember because I was so exhausted. and he said (while playing with my hair) "You are the most gorgeous, amazing creature ever. I have to use creature because no other word can really suite you. You're so beyond that."
He also said, " You should always feel, and be treated special, because you deserve that and so much more."
and
"You are the only person I know who's outside perfectly matches their inside."
I was blushing the entire time.

He was being so affectionate and honest. I've never felt that, or had that before. I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to bottle that moment and keep it forever. I've never felt that relaxed and comfortable, content. I still don't know what to do with that moment except remember it. In a world where my flaws are all that's deemed important, I found a moment where I had none.. it was interesting to say the least. That's what I want. That's what I deserve.
That type of .... i don't know what to call it.

What would you call it?

I've got job offers

I've got a job offer, and another, and another.

I have a choice now.

But really the most important choice stems from the most recent job offer i had. Today, just a mere hour ago. To teach computers to kids.
Now, the actual job offer isn't anything big, it's what it could mean.
The job is at a school in Manhattan.
L lives and works in Manhattan.
The job isn't very far from him.
I could decide to take this job and move to manhattan, try to work it out with L. Try to have a family.
Or i could continue on the path im on now.
Stay in Brooklyn.
Have semi-scheduled visits. A disjunct family...

I've got job offers, and now I have a choice...

Another guy?

Now, i ask myself. Is it wrong for me to teeter on the verge of a serious romantic relationship with my best guy friend??
He's so damn supportive, and he's always there.
It's terrible and awesome at the same time.
I feel horrible.
Because technically i was cheating.
Emotionally is a form of cheating too.

It's so percise but important.
Emotional support is so important in a commited relationship. I barely got that with L.
Now, by no means am i looking to get into another real "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. NO.
Not now, not ever maybe.
I think i'll just get married one day. Or stay single forever.
But that emotional support is so important.
Im so conflicted.

As things fall apart

As we dawned on our 1 year anniversary it seems that L and i are all but completely over. Im not sure if we fell out of love, because im not even sure we were really in love in the first place. Furthermore, im not sure if either of us know what it is to love someone that way OR how...
We still have Olivia and she's important. And im not one of those women who will keep bitterness in her heart towards her childs father. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have her... So im grateful, and always will be.
I also don't want him to think that im keeping away from her because she primarily lives with me. He'll have her for the weekend. And he can see her whenever he wants, he can take her for visits and whatnot. He'll be legally required to pay child support, but i never had a stich of doubt that he would support either way.
I'll always love him (the only way I know how) and i'll always be there for him, if he ever needs me, no matter what.
But our relationship is bust.
I've grieved over this for weeks, so im more numb than anything else. I'll probably still cry over it though. Just not yet.
Thankfully/hopefully, other logistic things in my life are looking up so i should be on my own in no time.
Maybe then i can form a better cordial bond with L.
For know, i'll have to observe this mess, as things fall apart.

Moment of thought

I was having a moment of thought... And I didn't want to write anything. But what a better time to write than when you're in deep thought.

Well something really good must be on the verge of happening because I feel like Im at my wits end. Everyone is or has been pissing me off one way or another. I want control over my life back. I need my space. Became people feel like Im obligated to them for whatever reason but thy cannot obligate themselves to me. I'm so tired of everything. Of being hurt and hurting in return. No fun.

Im hoping above all hope that good news ensues this week. And it'll only be uphill from here. Or at least not down hill. I can handle a plateau.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. Again. Being stressed is exhausting. Especially with a child. Because I can't be stressed around her, or exhausted. That's no good for her.

I'd really like to move out on my own. I'd have such peace of mind. I wouldn't be so depressed. I'd be better off. Every other option is too stressful.

I realize I don't like living with people. After living in shelter after shelter all my life I just can't do it anymore. People annoy me beyond no end no. I don't have any more nerves for them to get on ... So Im just lashing out. But at least Im finally getting to speak my mind. Let others know what's really going on.

Just a thought.