The monster is me

Originally written about a month ago:

If I didn't hate cigarettes so much I'd be a chain smoker for sure.

I Don't feel it's my fault that I'm not happy.
Its just my life. I have every right to be stressed and I hate feeling like I don't.
I put up with a lot of stuff, and I always seem to find myself fighting by myself. Struggling by myself, stressing by myself. I might as well be by myself right.

i wrote this last night actually. I'm was having a bad day and I got into an inevitable argument with L (well rather he said something that didn't sit right with me., actually infuriated me) and I ended up leaving the house for a while. He was upset because its dangerous out here (it is actually) and I didn't tell him where I was going (I actually got a slushie and walked around the block and then sat and drank it until my phone died). I was mad because whenever he's upset or just needs to chill he can go smoke and be fine, and I'm just stuck here with all my stress and pent up feelings. And then he always blames me for being upset. What the fuxk does he expect?
Well eventually I went back home and he talked to me about it. Whatever, he made a point, but I'm not sure how much I believe him. It's just who I am and he's got to suck it up, at least until I get medicated. But in the heat I took my ring off and I thought I put it back on this morning but I didn't. And I'm not sure if it's still by the sink where I originally left it. 😪 Sigh.

The right habd

Originally written a week ago:

It's been several months of disgusting depression. It's like everything seems to be going wrong. And I can't get a leg up no matter what I do. I'm trying to take it in stride, day by day.
But through all of this, there has been some things that have made me feel better.
1. I've started talking to my Best friend again. We haven't gotten to have a full conversation, but I can feel myself calling her. I miss her a lot and it would be good to just shoot The shit and chat. Maybe I'll be back to normal soon?

2. My relationship with L has become so intense, and so beautiful. I don't really know how to explain it.... We talk, and the conversations are amazing. We fight, but it's not heartbreaking. And the sex.. The sex is mind blowing. And he's grown so much emotionally. We still have our faults but, it's not like before. He's so fucking loving and he shows it. I think it's weird, but when everything else is bad... We're good. Sometimes he just touches me and it's a vibe that I can't put my finger on. It's like home. When he have sex, it's making love and it isnt at the same time. It's fierce and it makes me want to write again. It brings poetry to my lips and novels to my hands.
maybe I'm just addicted. Maybe the sex is like magic and I'm under a spell, maybe he's under a spell too... Maybe it'll wear off. But... But. Maybe it won't. Doesn't the saying go, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
and trust me, I'm a big believer in disappointment and I'm such a wuss I'm terrified that he'll change his mind and I'll still be stuck under this spell. But Im so fucking happy with him, I'm so content in my relationship. I can't fucking wait to walk down that eisle towards him, to see his surprised face, to see his excitement, and to feel his heart beating. I dream about that shit. And I'm pretty sure I stopped believing in love.

Well. My right hand is waiting for my left. It's waiting for the tide to turn and for me to grow into the life I'm meant to live.

End of the road

I've never felt more disappointed in myself or my predicament.

Its officially gotten out out of control because I'm at the point where I'd legit sell my body, mind, soul even.. Just to get out. Just to not have to stress about this anymore.
Thats not a good place to be. It's a dangerous place to be. Being fed up is the worst place to be.
But that's where I am. That's how I feel.

Where are the bad people when you need them?

Babies

I've figured out why Im so upset that I can't have another child.

This thought came to me last night after a bought in the bed, where I exclaimed again that L still hasn't gotten me preggo, and he claimed that it's not him. And that perhaps it's the universe saying that it's not the right time. And I thus began to explain that my other pregnancies where not during the right time, but they happened anyway. No matter what the detriment to my self being.

i explain this all to say that it made me think... Why do I care so much??? I honestly don't think having another child both with L and at this point in time isn't a good idea. As well, considering my health and issues with Olivia's health, it's even worse.

I think it's just I'm tired of failing.

Ive always thought that no matter what, it's quite possible that all I was meant to do here on this plane of existence is be a mother. That's it. I'm not here for self fulfillment, not here for love, not here for anything but nurturing.

However, if I can't do that... Then what the hell am I worth? I'm just a piece of toolery.
And it's possible that my linear trajectory is just to serve as an incoherent character in a back story.

Hmmmm....

I try

I've been looking for a psychiatrist. Because I've lost the poetry in my life, in my being, and now that's gone I'll start to deteriorate completely. I'm pretty sure I'm hanging by a thread.

Just because it's going doesn't mean it'll get there

I'm trying to be optimistic. Because there's butterflies every where I look, and my right hand keeps stretching and I'm feeling a little duped by hot weather, however all food things come with a price right? Well I'm hoping not, but the stress and discomfort is still looming.
I tried getting in touch with a psychologist but I think her office might be closed?? Because I've left more messages than I can remember and no one has responded.

It's been day after day that I fee like I'm getting farther away from the things that I thought mattered. I'm betwixt wanting to give every fuck, and not wanting to give a single fuck. It's a tough line...

And fight now now I can't seem to get ahead on any platform. Or focus on any platform. I'm just running like a depressed chicken with no head in no general direction... Probably in circles. I'm hoping for reform, and reprise.

Ive pondered over my life and relationship, and mostly I've come to realize that I'm not only not where I want to be, but I'm not where I should be. I love L, and sometimes he's excellent. Most of the time he's great. But it times he can be so damaging. And I really do have to wonder about what the opposite of his actions would be rather than what his actions are. And then I ask myself how should one act if they really love another one unconditionally. See I love him unconditionally, our relationship may have permitters (but not many conditions) I have expectations (but not many conditions) and that's it. At the end of the day, I somehow manage to still be IN LOVE with him, no matter what. And I don't think I'm getting the same in return. Altough he swears up and down... Do I were ally expect my dream 2018 weeding? No. Do I expect my real engagement ring that he bought? No. Do I expect that we'll get to that ideal that I have in my head about a beautiful wedding on small island off the coast of Honduras, with only a few friends and family? No. Do I expect more children. No. Do I expect the travels, the house, the cars?? No.

But it I do still dream. I don't dare hope, that's for weaklings that don't know what heartbreak means. So I'm grooming myself for heartbreak, while dreaming for love. Everyday is a dance between growth and shrinkage. Not sure who'll win, but I'm prepared for both. If I end up alone, I'll suffice to be lonely. I don't foresee myself going much further then that anyway.