Why I've come to HATE the Holidays

Yes, I've said it. I despise the holidays...
And not because I don't believe in them, or the idea of family, down time, or mass consumerism. But because its come to mean something different to me.

There used to be a time when I loved the holidays. Even though we lived in the shelter, in some one else's home, or in our car we were together and a family. And that was enough for me.

But since I've had my daughter or rather since she's came into my life... its a bit more complicated.

Lets go over how this came to be...

About 3 years back, our first Christmas out of the shelter was uneventful. It was depressing and stressful for whatever reason. I can't really recall that Christmas clearly. I felt tides changing, but I couldn't pinpoint what was changing.

Next Christmas I was pregnant. Although I was not yet aware. I was in the first few months that is characterized as "you're-losing-your-fucking-mind" trimester. I spent that day, at someone I did not knows house, followed by partying all night in a club. I was fucking loony. And that my first taste of "I hate Christmas".

Then comes Olivia, and that Christmas managed to get fucked up because I spent it in a mental hospital. Just days prior as I wallowed in postpartum depression and undiagnosed bipolar disorder the world flipped upside down, and I chased my infidelity with a slit wrist. Once again, loony... are you sensing a pattern here? Because I am.

Then, finally this Christmas. Familial pressures everywhere, shelter lifestyle, no money, stress and depression. I smelt a breakdown coming along. Until Christmas eve comes and too many shots of tequila makes him into a monster. I don't recall doing anything, and neither does he. I do recall the sting that followed a swift slap to the face. The air rushing out of my lungs as my windpipes were constricting. Nothing I did could make it stop, and I myself couldn't avoid/stop it. This time I wasn't the loony one.

I had never been a victim. Never considered myself one, and Im still unsure if I am. I just know it hurt. The angry words followed by the vindictive hands. I've never felt so weak. I cried, until I couldn't. I yelled until I was too scared to do anything but just stand there. And at some point in time even that angered him.

He has NEVER been like this before. What happened??!!?? We'll never know.

He didn't stop until we gained the interest of the dutiful security guards. I was paralyzed so I nodded everything was fine, and I let him guide me into the shower once they left. The rest of my night was plagued by nightmares and his apologies. He swore to never do it again. But he's never done it before. He doesn't even know how he got to that point in the first place.

So how can one control the unknown?? I'll never know...

So this is why I despise the holidays. Its been bringing out the worst on me. Its rained the shittiest parade and Im left to pick up the fragmented streamers of my life. Every single fucking time.

And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don't know what to do. Im stuck. Frozen. In that frame of mind.

My hope is that my soul will heal as my wounds will. And I can pack my pessimism away until next time.

Until next time.

Weird

People are weird.

No let me rephrase that.

I'm weird.
I'm not like other people.
I don't have friends. I don't go out. I don't retell stories that start with, "I remember that time when I...when we...when this..."
I don't hang out or chill or "hey, let's do (insert awesome activity) at/on/this (insert time/day of week/month/year/season)
I don't have raging Facebook posts/pics of all the places I've gone/things I've done.
Don't have rings/necklaces/bracelets or tattoos/piercings from when I went (insert awesome place).
I'm fucking boring.
I don't have a black book, notches in my belt, or reasons to get dirty looks.
I don't live on the edge or between the lines.
I don't have a tag that says, "I'm cool because I've been/done/had/went/saw/was apart of.. etc."
I don't have a tag that says, "I'm uncool because.... you get the point.
I'm just here.

Not really doing one thing or another. Not really being one thing or another. Not really fitting in, but not really sticking out.
Like shit. What am I really? I guess, im just weird. Because I'm not weird, and I'm normal, I'm like oatmeal. Kinda bland, but I've got a dash of cinnamon and sugar so I'm not all that bad, but still there's no bang!...
This needs to change.

Am I a terrible, crazy person?

Am I terrible for not wanting any friends at the moment?
I'm at the worse pinnacle of my life and at this point, just a Debby downer I really want to just focus on me and my daughter. So it's hard to get invested in other people's lives. To be honest, it just doesn't concern me. Am I terrible for that?

Am I crazy for wanting to get away, from EVERYBODY?
In many ways, I feel like I've over stayed my welcome. And I need to break away in order to really solidify my independence, within myself. Its hard to explain but it's very tiring relying on other people. At any point in time. Because they begin to hold it against you. Whether or not they do this conciously, at some point in time it manifest in their actions, they way They talk to you, treat you, feel about you. And that just hurts, but it's human. The only way to stop it is yo remove yourself from the situation. And that's what I want to do. I want to do it on my own. Because I know I can. If I had the balls enough to just not care, I could've done it a long time ago. Before things got So out of control. Well It's never too late I always say.

So here's what I want to do. I can't really call it a plan because NOTHING is concrete and there is a possibility that things might change to the point where it doesn't happen. But because it involves me and Olivia only, there's not much that s stopping me. So the "want to do":

Study abroad!
Preferably in Ireland. Study film, the Celtic culture, and learn Gaelic. Im not exactly sure why, I'm drawn to Ireland. But I am, and that's what I want to do.

Make my second documentary!
Kind of a part 2 of the first one. Documenting life after having Olivia. The struggles of trying to gain my independence and learn how to be s good woman and mother. Especially being black and young and virtually single.

Start my production company!
Not entirely sure how this is gonna happen, But I'd like for it to.

Publish a book!
Don't know if it'll be the sci-fi novel I'm working on with my best friend (because I don't think that's gonna pan out anymore and I'll post more on that later) Or if it'll be a biography about my shitty life and the wonders that come with it.

Gain stability!
I don't really plan on staying in Ireland for more than a year, but we'll see how things go. I'm hoping that through my experiences I can create a foundation somewhere or set up shop with a new beginning. If in able to create my own company, plus generate my own income I might be able to go anywhere and do anything. Who knows. Possibilities are endless.

With that being said. In hoping for the best, but my hearts prepared for the worst. I just wonder if these aspirations are crazy or terrible. ....

Untitled

So I stopped to think to myself.... I hate everything right now. 

Probably the only person I don't hate at the moment is Olivia. Because I could never hate her. It's not possible. No matter how upset I am, I look at her and peace and love floods me. She is my happiness. Manifested in a human form. 

Which means that I no longer have it. She is all the best parts of me. Therefore I am only all the worse. 

Never thought of that until this precise moment. As I write this on the subway to work. Aware of every wrong that's taking place. Things have only gotten worse since I last posted and I thought it'd be impossible but of course there's always room for another hole, even if it means making one that already exist bigger. 

I don't know. All I can do is write. This weekend is all I've got. 

Here's how I'm going to do it. 

I'm going to look for an apartment, aggressively. For just myself. And my daughter. Studio or 1 bedroom. I will get an apartment by next week. And I will use every penny I have to do so. But ill be in a place. L is no longer working so he's not tied down to the Bronx by convenience. He can choose to stay here and find a room or bunk with me and Olivia until he finds a place of his own. 

I'm going to put all my energy into this. This is my last affront. If it doesn't work I'm going to a shelter, or rather... A homelessness prevention unit. In hopes that they give me the boost I need. In fact  I might go there anyway. During my intense search. By Wednesday of next week I will be out of this current apartment. And I'll do it my way on my terms. I'm going to stop caring about other people. Because its only brought about my suffering. I am way too important for that. As well, once that's settled, my goal is to get full time work after this summer. One of the companies that I either already am, or have been affiliated with should be able to give me that. At least 24k per year. Ill save up and I'm moving out of the state. Maybe Rhode Island. I'm going to lease a mini copper but before that learn stick shift. On my own. And then I will buy a house. This will of course be with the help of others, but for now I'm doing things on my own. 

I know that's what I've been trying to do for the longest, but you can't do things on your own while trying to help other people. I can't do it anymore. I've got to cut my loses.

Sorry mom I love you, but it's YOUR job as a parent to help me up, it shouldn't be a co effort. Because at the end of the day, we just both end up down. So in lieu of that, I'm gonna pull myself up, and then focus on doing my duty. 

I've gotten to a very dire point, where I have realized, I didn't get myself here... I thought in had, but in all actuality, I didn't. I've been thinking and thinking to myself, I wish I was cold hearted enough to not have to care/worry about others long enough to care/worry about myself. It's sad, but honest. 

I don't have time for idle conversations, friendships, or relationships. I've got the basics of ME to focus on. I can't cater to everyone right now. No longer. 

So duly note, I may not post until after I'm sitting in my own place. More than likely on the floor... Till then, wish me good luck, or hard work, or whatever....

Awake

I awoke this morning with a pain I've only had once before. And it wasn't a pretty situation when that pain plagued me. But I pushed through and kept going. I had work and such to get to.

Alas, the day hasn't been well to me so far. 

I'm tired. Of all of this. 

How much persistence can one have? 

Particularly in the face of disappointment and stress?

At what point does one say, here's my out? 

And how does one make the decision?

That compromising your desires for a "way out", is the way to go. 

Is it that life is just saying, " lets see what you're capable of when you have no options..." Or is it saying, " you have options just not the one you want, stop being stubborn." 

Where's the line between stubborn and persistent?

And how does one apply that to life? 

Perhaps there really is no such thing as good luck, just hard work. If then, how do you work hard towards creating a destiny when it seems you have no say so in its creation....

I'd really like to sleep. Just sleep. And not care anymore. Whatever happens happens. Because at the point I feel like all my efforts are pointless. It seems my eyes are open but I'm not awake. Life has become a blurred form of reality, a dream that I have no real participation in. I am just the spectator to its warped splendor. I can't really be aware of what is what, or what anything means, or what I'm supposed to do. Each road seems to lead to another door of unhappiness. Is this my fate? The emotions that overcome my mind, body, and soul feel like a hurricane eating away at my energy. I am constantly being sucked into its will. I'm drowning in unknown waters, unmapped and unmarked. Because I've never been here before. 

Not exactly sure what to do, but at this moment I feel like sleeping. Unfortunately I'm still awake. 

Stress kills

I'm pretty sure the stress is killing me. It's destroying my memory and my intelligence alike. My mind can't focus on multiple things like it used to be able to, and forget things I just heard. I forget words and phrases that used to be second hand to me. I'm not the same. I'm not myself. My creativity and inspiration are both at an all time low. Even at my worse, in the pits of the hell that is depression I wasn't this bad. I don't know how I'm making it through each day. My body is sending me all sorts of emotional, mental, and especially physical signals. I believe that slowly but surely I'm shutting down. 

But really who is to blame? I could spend the rest of this post naming and blaming but really it's just the life that I've landed myself in. The circumstances that I was too stubborn to foresee. And although I don't know who I am anymore I know that it was me and only me that walked to this place I now find myself in. 

Call me naive, childish, irresponsible, but honestly all it is is misguided. Or rather lack there of. I've spent a lot of time being told what to do, not shown. Forced into an opinion that wasn't my own. And I rebelled. Had my spirit been nourished and guided, id probably be at a better point in my life. 

Oh well, it is what it is. 

So now, all I have is this stress. That's eating away at me. Tearing me at the seams. And while others look upon the broken pieces on the floor, some walk upon them, others sadly sigh, I stand aside and watch, waiting for a guide. 

Reserved

There's a part of my heart that's reserved  for me and for those who I want to give it to. 

I like to think that one day ill be free to do just that. 

But at this point my heart is not my own. 

It is ruled by convenience and humility. Hope that I can cause change. 

But I have a piece of my heart for those who really deserve it. For that person who understands me fully and makes it skip a beat with just a thought of them. 

That piece is covered in cobwebs in a cold dark corner in the recesses of my body, but it's there. Waiting. Patiently. While the rest of my heart gets beaten and bruised. That part is begging for freedom like a guilt tripped abusee.   

He's said before that he sometimes believes that I prefer that he treats me that way. I don't get that... 

Is that what happens when you get emotionally/verbally abused so much that you can't even fight it anymore? Until it gets to the point where others think you enjoy it? 

I wish I knew. 

I don't understand. What to do.... Where to go...how to get rid of this emptiness I feel. How to stop berating and blaming myself for the way others treat me. How to grow up. How to be a woman. How to be a person. How to help this deeply hurt child in my soul. How to make sense of all of this. How to get what I want. How to get love, be loved, feel love. And how to properly return it. 

Who to love and who not to...

I wish I knew. 

I don't know what

I'm at the pinnacle, the precipice of I don't know what. 

I can't call this stress, or anger, or depression because its more like a mixture of all of that. 

I told my best friend the other day I'm like the human form/manifestation if a bruise. 

Literally, it's like I'm  sensitive to everything...everything...EVERYTHING! 

And at this point everything is so askew on all aspects that I can't even begin to make sense of it, or to muster up the energy to deal with it. 

Where has my life gone? Where is it taking me? These lessons that I'm learning through pain have not provided me with the ability to make changes. 

We've got to move by August 1st. So by next week. 

We have no prospects what so ever. We put some money into a realtor, but with our particular mix of shitty backgrounds we only qualify for one apartment. And it's more than we were looking to spend on rent. But it's our only hope at this point so we're gonna check it out. But we haven't even seen the place yet. I just hope that it's worth it's exorbitant price. 

NYC rent is rape I tell ya. 

As well, we'd still need the money to move in. Which is currently non existent. So it's looking like we're going to have to borrow. I'm putting all my faith in my mom, but I can't totally depend on her..

And because L hasn't been working its up to me and my overdrawn acct. 

 We're between a rock and a hard place. 

I'm up shits creek. 

Where is life's divine lesson? How does it end? Who determines that? 

Because I'm feeling pretty powerless.

Love letter #1

I write you a Love letter. Because i never have. 

I write you a Love letter because you're all I have.

I write you a Love letter because you deserve more. 

I write you a Love letter because its secretly what you're waiting for. 

It's the whispers, the kisses in the night. The soft hugs of reassurance. The passionate sex after a hurtful fight.

It's the melody inside of me that resonates with you telepathically, you're all I need eventually two lost souls on a path of destiny. 

Don't count yourself short or sell yourself high. It's not the magic of the destination but the amazement in the ride. And with you there's a roller-coaster of affairs we're waiting to share in the recesses of living rooms bathrooms and tiny spaces placing on tables our boxed up hearts in cages. I know your temper rages and i can be stubborn like an ass but its the future were looking towards not the past the humanity in our sanity or lack there of nothing that can't be cured with an unexpected kiss or a strong hug. Filling each others souls with goals that we can only reach together honestly our best and probably only policy no matter how hard it may be these words I write with love and hopes for light let the ego that swells within your heart take flight and be certain ill catch it with all my might. We may not be wrong we may not be right but in these love letters it's worth the fight. It's why I write. 

A Love letter to you 

Because its all I can do. 

To prove 

How much i really love you. 

In ways that words cannot obtain or sentiments cannot contain. Promises that don't remain. In times where there's nothing but pain. A reminder that although we may never change, the feelings will always be the same.

And as I write please note the flaws that we see in each other are only temporary moments of uncertainty. When you've forgotten how much you mean to me. When your eyes are blind and I have to help you see. I hope it's this Love letter that will put your mind at ease. And bring your heart back to its tempo'd beat. 

And once more ill remind you what your looking for, found not at mine, but at your souls door. 

And one day when we've gone about our hearts way, and there's nothing left to say, you can pass this love letter on in some way. 

Stress

I'm stressed out beyond max capacity.

I think I've reached my limit. 

I'm going to implode. 

This can't possibly be safe for those around me....

My mothers being evicted. 

In all sincerity it's L's fault. But I shan't dare bring it up to him in justification for my wiry schedule... Oh no!!

Sooo, I've got to help her move. And I've got to get my stuff In storage.

And it seems like I don't have the money nor the time, nor the patience, nor the mental capacity for any of those things. 

I haven't been good with deadlines and appointments. And scheduling. I'm too stressed. My mind can't concentrate on one thing in particular. So it just shuts down.

An in turn makes me even more stressed.

Sigh. I start work next week. Still missing documentation. Can't find my damn high school diploma. 

Now the daycare is telling me that my daughter can't be there as long as I've had here there as of recent. 

I really need things to calm down. I need stability or I'm gonna pop a screw...

Now NY state tax revenue wants me to pay $641 by Friday... Like WTF??!!

They must be smoking crack.

As well. L is stressing me out. I can't pinpoint how exactly. Probably because he's just being himself and not being very emotionally helpful. Maybe I'm not being emotionally helpful either. Although I doubt that. 

Then... My living situation has become its own warp of stress. 

I'm going to break.... ...

....

Someone's neck....

At the moment I'm rushing to pick up my daughter. I'm running late. They charge a $1 per minute that your late.

Then I've got to come back to continue helping my mother move. 

The Marshall comes tomorrow... 

There's a boat load of other stressors. 

Like my $560 something phone bill. 

Or my $141 storage bill. 

Both due on the 10th. 

Or the fact that I'm already broke beyond belief. 

And my daughter still had needs. 

And I don't have food stamps.

And...

I hope I end up in the Bronx like right now....

Now...

....

...

Hmm, not happening I guess.

I'm exhausted from being so stressed. And because I don't get much sleep. 

Hopefully by the end of this week all will be well. I fucking hope because if not.... I don't know what'll happen. 

I'm tired. I wanna just check out and slowly disintegrate in front of a tv show on Netflix.   But I've got responsibilities. 

I'm an adult. 

Trying to obtain my independence. And now it just seems like I'm only asserting my failure. If I didn't care as much, in probably wouldn't be as stressed I think. 

Too bad that just isn't me. 

Hi. Hello. Welcome. Warning.

Dear readers (new and old alike), 

Welcome! 

Dear passerby's,

Stay for a while! 

I just now decided that I'd start tagging some of my post. I do understand this may (and may not) generate more traffic on my blog. Therefore I decided to write like a welcome message before those of you who are new, delve into the extreme details of my personal life. As I have written before, probably a long time ago, names written here have been changed, abbreviated, etc. to protect identities. I do however have a few followers who know me personally, if so (and you decide to comment and/or share) please remember to keep my identity confidential. 

Quite possibly one day this may end up being a book and for those who have joined me for the ride now you'll get a special thanks/shout out! 

I write my life in such explicit detail because I think it's about time that people be real with each other about how the world really is. It's tough as fuck.  And yet we can only get through this together. Through understanding and comraderey.  

I do not write to please or impress anyone. If you don't like something don't read it. Don't like,comment, or share. Because I will delete any inappropriate or nasty remarks. And please take your hate somewhere else, because it is NOT welcome here. 

But alas, for those if you who could give a shit about all that crap and are just here to enjoy and/or be entertained, feel understood, or whatever other positive vibey stuff, then Hi, WELCOME!!!

I'm not

I'm not your average girl. This is not your average story. You won't find an average tale hidden beneath the glitz and glory. 

There isn't an average man, child, or person in my life. And there just might not be an average husband at the end, nor an average wife. I can't promise average problems, or solutions with that. As well there won't be an average education or average job to match. My career is not straight forward. Neither is my talent. I have expertise in areas that aren't normal. In ways that's quite unbalanced. 

My average is your quirky. Your zany. Your throw for the loop. It's unconventional but exceptional in the way it's so aloof. You can't put your finger on it, but it makes sense in the end. For its not really about how you feel about it, just the poetry in its lens.

So take a picture, wait a while. Sit back with a nice drink, enjoy the ride. I promise it won't be subtle. I promise to be wild. I promise that it will shock you and leave you stupored in surprise. I promise it won't be average, in your eyes or mine.

Lets call her N

I met her on okcupid believe it or not. After totally giving up on that site/app because tons of people would visit my profile, but none would message. 

And by people I meant women.

I got more then enough men on my profile, but that wasn't what I was looking for. I was looking to be reckless, abandon all concern for what "other people" thought. I wanted to explore the side of me that I kept hidden. For so long. That some people didn't even believe existed. But alas. I left the bait in the water, but nobody bit. 

And then she came along. 

Her first message to me was:

"Everything about you is giving me life!! Is it possible to love someone you never "met?!!"

 And my answer is yes. 

We haven't met face to face. I haven't even heard her voice yet. And I'm unabashedly intrigued. I'm intoxicated. I'm excited and exhilarated. I don't think I've felt like this before. 

We have so much in common that its freaky. The universe is speaking to our souls in many ways. I can't help but think about her all the time. 

I want to learn her nervous habits, and hold her hand as we walk in the park. Sit close while on the train and whisper secrets to each other. Giggle at strangers. Look deep into her eyes while the sun is setting and the Earth is at peace. Feel her warm embrace. Let her cry into my chest. Hold her tight while the night seeps around us. 

A part of me wants to call her mine. 

And yet. I can't. 

L and I have spoken about her, but we haven't yet delved into the possibilities of where my relationship with her can go. 

As for her end, she's just as tied up in a commitment as I am. 

We're lost souls. Reaching for each other. And eternity has brought us together at a pivotal time. 

A part of me is eager. A part of me is scared. 

This is nothing like being with another man. This is nothing like what I've felt for men either. There is an emotional need that I have that she quenches. Whether it be with her poetic words or her expressive feelings. I can't deny how happy she's made me. 

And we haven't even met yet. 

What happens when we do meet?

What if I kiss her and can't stop? 

What if we make love? 

What if we fall in love? 

What if???

What if I feel empty by not being in her presence? 

What if our lives collide? 

What if magic happens?

What if??

All these questions, with no answers. All I know is I'm eager. I'm eager to start a life that I feel like I can call my own. 

I'm eager to answer the call to my heart and soul. 

I want to see what life has in store for me. And I want to do that with N by my side. 

Heartbreak

My heart is breaking 

shaking 

its earth quaking deliberating this

 Fate I'm facing 

there's no space in

 my soul for the taste it 

leaves in my pores 

wanting more from my core. 

I've locked the door but my fears are sprawled on the floor

 it's four and I'm awake with heart ache for pains sake it's all I can take not to cry 

or die 

or try 

to run away 

to the future 

to the day when this has all gone another way, 

when there's nothing to say and peace is in play. 

But alas I'm stuck in the past, this feeling can't last but the present holds fast,

 I'm within pains grasp

 drowning in a river of air 

coddled by despair, 

the treatments impaired

its not all that fair.

 I'm trapped in its lair,

 caged by the page of  age upon me, 

I'm sorry that  I'm not strongly persisting in the midst of the army, 

I've lost my wits to the kiss 

of depression. Dancing lightly in succession with repression.

 Albeit  I've learned a lesson, one cannot lessen 

their own hurt with mere confessions

 of gratitude for their worldly possessions,

 sometimes it takes profession in universal faith, 

acceptance in your mistakes 

and letting yourself feel the heartbreak. 

No words

I think I've reached the pinnacle of fear in my life.

It's not what would first come to mind. In fact, it's probably like 3rd on the list.

I'm afraid to have this abortion.

I'm so scared that I have no words. 

It's not until next week, but as each day passes this life inside me grows and I'm just here to betray it. 

If prayed to the mother Goddess, and to God, and even to the child. Asking for some type of forgiveness. I've asked if I could have my child back one day. But sometimes I wonder, if I deserve my chile back. 

I don't consider myself a bad person. I consider my circumstances to be bad. 

That only reflects my strength as a person. 

Alas, I don't consider myself strong enough. 

My best friend has been trying to convince me to look at the positive side of every situation. 

I can't seem to find one for this one.

Except that I might, hopefully be giving this child a chance at a better life, in another lifetime. He won't have to be disappointed by my hardships, or his fathers inability to really father. 

Am I being selfish by not having the child? By not choosing adoption? 

I don't know. I do know though that if I carry this child to term, he is mine. No matter what the struggle I am not strong enough to give him up once I've gone that far....

 

However I am used to pain and depression. So I think I can wallow in my loss before its even happened. And even though its my causing. 

I'm going to have a medicational abortion. Which means that they'll give me a pill which will cause me to miscarry. 

L offered to come with me. But my best friend doesn't think he's sensitive/compassionate enough. She suggested my mom come with me. I think that's a good idea actually. If she doesn't mind.  And if she's available...

Or I might just go with L. Sigh, but he has to work, we need the money. 

For now I have to just go one step at a time....

I have nothing left in me

If it wasn't for Olivia I'm sure I'd have given up by now. 

Aside from her, lets just say life sucks. 

My relationship is...well... It isn't. 

And this isn't like the last time that I thought L and I were broken up only to find out that we weren't. This shit is for real. 

I don't understand him anymore. 

He's so hateful to me.

He does and says so many hurtful things. And that's not just me being sensitive, that's me being human. 

Then to add insult to injury he forgets that he even does those things. In a matter of seconds. 

It reminds me of my father. 

I can't live like that any longer. 

But I'm void of options. 

I need to move on, but that's an intricate puzzle that I can't quite grasp just yet. 

I feel like giving up. And I'm not one to do  that.. So that just indicates that things have gotten as worse as they could get.. Or not.. Who knows, there's always room for things to go awry. 

I just want some happiness and stability for my daughter and I. 

School has become a complicated figure and my previous dedication to it has been replaced with bitter reluctance. I can't afford school in more ways than one. It's become a hindrance rather than an enjoyment. I no longer take pride in it. 

everything  hurts. 

Physically. 

Emotionally. 

Mentally. 

I don't know how much more I can take. 

I have nothing left in me. 

  

I. Feel. Like. I. Am. About. To. Implode.

I. Feel. Like. I. Am. About. To. Implode.

And of course this is not the first time. But for some reason, my life just keeps fucking getting better.

I'm being sarcastic.

It's like every time I turn around something else is waiting around the corner for me. I understand everyone has their hardships, but most people I know get a reprieve.

I GET NO FUCKING REPRIEVE!!

I'm so stressed out, it's a type if to prolonged stressed out that's never ending.

IT SUCKS!!

All these emotions swirling inside of me. No release. It's killing me.

And I have this thing about asking people for help... It's not that I'm to uppity to ask for help, I have 2 main reasons.

1. The times I've broken down and asked for help before, I NEVER received any of any SUBSTANTIALLY. Depending on the person it may not have been that they just didn't help, but they couldn't, and that's completely understandable and I respect that.

2. I'd hate to call up someone I haven't talked to out of the blue because I need their help. It's like "oh, NOW you know me..." I really don't mean it that way, it's just that I don't have much time or the mental capacity to keep up with everyone.

So to me, those sound like very valid reasons. I seriously wonder sometimes if the universe just sees some strength in me that I feel I don't have. I may be stubborn and persistent, but I don't see myself as all that strong. I feel pretty fucking weak right now.

You hear that universe... I FEEL FUCKING WEAK!!

I don't know how much I have left in me.
I'm so damaged. It's so hard...

Hopes and dreams...

I have hopes of getting married.
Dreams of having a beautiful weeding.
In a park.
Downed in beautiful leaves, flowers, vines.
Wearing a beautiful dress
And a ring that sparkles like moonlight.
The sun shining through a sweet dew kissed airy day.
I have hopes of happiness.
Of elation.
Dreams of ocean breeze nights.
Warm arms around my torso.
Breath on my neck.
Heat and passion
Heart beating faster.
I have hopes of rain.
Fingers to wipe my tears away.
Words to soothe a rough day.
I have hopes of success.
That only I can measure.
Vacation in daily pleasures.
Dreams of never going to work
But working hard everyday.
Of having time to watch my daughter play.
I have hopes of eating breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Cooking for and being cooked for
Sweet gestures and naughty night outs.
Dreams of contentment
A home, filled with adventure
Bursting with color
Thriving with life

I have hopes for my dreams
And that's what keeps me alive.

Acceptance

I'm having a hard time accepting that my life is in such turmoil.
My relationship has all but ended, and it makes me feel so damn lonely.

I wish I could put it simply.. But it's so much.

What's wrong with ME?!

Every relationship I've had has failed. And I truly have yet to meet a man that treats me and loves me as I deserve.

It's heartbreaking.


Why can't I be happy without that? Why can't I accept and love myself? Why do I have such a need for someone else's love? It's all too much.

Maybe I read too much and I've placed my hopes up higher than they should be.

I don't know. I've been suffering from a hangover because yesterday was so soul suckingly horrible. I don't even want to take about it. It was out of control and truly the final straw in my already fragile relationship with L.

Even he later on admitted that he shouldn't be treating me or talking to me the way he does.
I couldn't help myself. I drank. To push t way, but the pain only intensified. And now I can't sleep. My body hurts. My soul hurts. I feel like a black hole inside.

Will things ever get better?

Among other things

So my best friend wants me to leave L as soon as possible. She says that if he can hit me once, twice, then he can do it again. And no matter how out of character it is or how much he apologizes, if he has an aggressive tendency then he has an aggressive tendency and that's just an invitation for trouble.

I'd still rather just bring our relationship to a cordial end and go our separate ways. My beastie speculates that that might make him angry and that he won't allow it.

I don't know what to do exactly. We've always been honest with each other, about things of that nature and even though it has been difficult to communicate at times, I always felt that its just better to agree on what needs to be done. But I have a sure feeling that my best friend is right and he won't take well to me wanting to move on and find my own place in Brooklyn. As well, what will that mean for him? He's still working this thing out with his papers. He can't get a stable job yet, which means he's stuck at the mercy of his boss and our landlady.
Who is also housing us illegally. Meaning if the building management find out we're renting a room and paying her, we'd ALL be without a home.

It's all so complicated and difficult. I know he's hit me and that at this point I shouldn't care so much about his well being. But I do. And that puts me in a vulnerable spot. Even though I don't want to get hit again. I don't want to involve authorities in this, or my family. But I think I'm the only one thinking about those consequences.

It's so tough.

I'm good?

Don't you just hate it when people ask you how you're doing and you're feeling like complete shit, but you still reply "I'm good.."
And from time to time in the happiest of tones!!
As if the world and your life and your day isn't shitty enough, now you gotta go and lie about it!!!
It's frustrating because you know that no one really wants to hear this:
"Hey how are you?"
"Well my life is in a head on combat with hell to see who's worse. And let's just say my life's winning."
... *Silence*

No one knows what to say to that... Which is why it's so much easier to say "I'm good" even though its just as difficult and even more heartbreaking. That phrase immediately makes you feel alone and void of friends and family. It's even more poignant if you really are alone with no friends or family (or little friend or family) ..

So if you feel inclined to ask.. Don't. Rather say this:
"Hey, I hope life is treating you well, and if not. Well there's always tomorrow.."

No offense but have you thought this through?

I know that this topic is touchy, and many many people will be twisting their panties before I even plead my case, but first hear me out. And before I even get to the topic at hand I must first apologize to anyone that I offend or call out. But I think it's about high time that someone really thought about the whole story. So here I go.

Abortions.

Yeah I know, get your fire and brim stone ready I don't care. I am straight up pro choice and here are my reasons why.

I understand that the argument for not having an abortion is murder and that we should take care of gods creatures and give them a chance at life and so on and so forth I've heard it a thousand times. However we have not considered what would happen if every woman decided to an abortion...
1. Quality of life!

This is important for every human.
Have you seen those female beggars on the subways or the streets? Yeah they decided not to have an abortion and now those precious babies are suffering.
Raising a child is hard, especially in today's society. Especially considering that there is less and less assistance for those in need and there are less and opportunities to generate income to be able to support a family let alone give them the basic quality of life that a human deserves.

Ask yourself this.. People who throw pictures of dead babies in the distraught faces of silent women who have had or contemplated/ing abortions...
Are you willing to assist in supporting that child that you are so determined to save?
Will you give that mother a job? A home??
Diapers? Wipes? Financial support? Emotional support? Physical support?
Will you help her tote her stroller down the stairs of the subway? Or watch her child with the same tender loving care that she would while she goes to work?
Will you protect that child from poverty? Drugs? Bullying? Rape? Murder? Suicide?
Are you willing to create a WORLD where said child can flourish in their own right?
Can you say hands down that you are willing to take civil village-like responsibility for said child?

2. Space!

Again, if every woman decided to have the children they were impregnated with there would be no space on this planet for them.
We are already overpopulated. There isn't enough if a balance between life and death. ( realistically speaking...)

3. State of the world!

Has anyone looked at the world today?
In its entirety?
The United States ALONE is on the brink of a nuclear war... And THIS is what we want to bring children into.
They deserve much better than to struggle their entire lives in whatever conditions fate lays upon them only to DIE because some people just can't get along. Because money and greed and power are more important than the lives of INNOCENT people.
I digress. I can honestly say, that the average haggler on the street passing out pamphlets against abortion has done NOTHING towards the betterment of the world. Not to say that one person can make the world better, but if we decided as a people to to STAND AS A UNITED FRONT and stop squabbling about people's personal business we'd be much farther in having a world worth living in than we are now.

Now don't get me wrong.
I have a daughter. I was told to have an abortion because otherwise I'd be messing up my future. I was threatened with losing everything if I didn't have an abortion.
I didn't.
I did lose a lot of things, and things are most definitely a mess, but I gained a beautiful loving daughter. However as I have said, IT'S HARD! Even more so for minorities, and people that are of low income. It's nearly IMPOSSIBLE to give your child the life they deserve..

Tell me is this REALLY fair to the child???
To have to LIVE a unsatisfactory life??

In my case for example, my daughters father and I don't have the best of relationships. I chose to have my daughter because at the time I loved him and I wanted my baby and I figured we could work it out together as a family. Things changed as other factors came into play. Finances, family, depression, jobs, etc. Come to find out we're severely incompatible. I'm a mush and he's overly aggressive. My daughter has had to witness arguing, cheating, hurting, crying, screaming, she's had to witness the disintegration of mommy and daddy. That's not fair to her. And though she is only a child now, she won't be forever...this brings me to..

Factoring in what happens when the child grows up? There are just a plethora of hardships that can come along. And this could in turn out to cause more harm then help to society.

Last but not least. Please understand that an abortion is NOT easy for the average woman. It takes a SEVERE mental, emotional, physical toll on her body, mind, and entire psyche!
But it is a CHOICE that WE HAVE TO MAKE!
It is NOT YOUR body that has to go through the confusing and sometimes traumatic period of pregnancy and the hardship of labor..
Nor is it your LIFE that will FOREVER be altered by this CHOICE.

So please take a moment, walk two moons and grasp this intense decision in its entirety.

Now YOU have a choice. To be compassionate and understanding and put your efforts and power into helping the children that are ALREADY HERE and are SUFFERING. Then think about creating a stable future for the ones to come.

The show goes on...

As a result of my shenanigans last night, or early this morning rather . I am currently exhausted. And I have a long day, which includes a midterm. I'm obviously and justifiably upset

Also note, I have my period. And I'm bleeding profusely. And I forgot to bring extra pads. I've already bled through the one I put on this morning. It's only been 2 hrs!! I don't know how I'm gonna make it through my 3 and a half hour film class 😐

So we're on a break and I bought these sesame snack sticks by pepperidge farm.. THEY'RE MY SAVIOR!!! These things are GREAT!!!

Sooo he calls me up in the middle of class to apologize. I accepted his apology, but in retrospect, I'm still upset. And I still think its time for us to go our separate ways...

I made I through class in piece. I'm gonna head to work and try to make it through that In one piece. Emphasis on try..

Last straw

L has done it again. And for the last time if you ask me. I don't think my heart can take it anymore. Actually, I don't think I have a heart anymore. Last night he berates me with incessant degrading insults complaining about me spoiling Olivia and not pureeing her food... Etc i don't respond, I wasn't looking for a fight but I was livid. It was 3 am mind you. So I was up. couldn't go to sleep .. reading a book on my phone. But im fuming. he pisses me off so much!! hes such a dejected asswhipe and he doesnt even know it. sits up on his ignorant stool with his head so far up his ass he doesnt even realize what he berates in others is actually himself..Eventually Olivia gets fussy, beyond simple consolation. (Shes laying next to me..) I'm going to pick her up a little frustrated now and Kevin whips around and tries to grab her. So I'm upset already so I hit his hand.. And ths fucker slaps me in the face!!!! I was stunned. I asked him "did you just slap me??" He starts yelling some shit that I'm inclined to ignore. I take Olivia silently and turn the other way. I told him to never touch me again. He calls me some more degrading terms and says he wouldn't want to anyway. I'm making my plans to move. ASAP.

More so I'm heart broken.. Sigh

It's official. We're separating...

So again. Like I've been hinting to for so long, L and I will be separating.

Basically it hurts.

I wrote a long post while on the train.. I also thought I published it.. To my surprise its not here... Damn. Well..

Sigh L and I got into an argument the day before yesterday morning. This one really took the cake. He even went as far as saying that I should make sure I kill myself all the way next time because the world would be better off. I haven't heard that since my mom. I think he's ready to move on because he brought up seeing other people again. I have brought that up since I was 3 months prego. He said someone might be interested. Then from there the argument just got worse. A lot worse. Not sure how to put this, but it just got worse. I'm ok no bruises physically except for a few emotional gashes but I think it's best if I make plans to move on.

We spoke again about it tonight. And so I'll be looking for a place once I or both of us get a stable job.

My heart hurts. I can't sleep. My mind is reeling. It's hard between the failure and loneliness it's created this black home in my heart.

I don't get how the fuck it comes so easily for other people. I'm not saying they others don't have their fair share of hurt but it just seems like mine is endless. It seems like ill never know happiness romantically.

Who knows... For now ill just have to settle for being broken.

Ignore that previous post

Unless you weren't already aware of some of those facts it's old news... Besides.

Things have still fallen apart but just differently.

Things fell apart

Yes, in reference to Chinua Achebes novel. Things fell apart in my life.
To spare myself the pain, and the long drone ill give bullet points of the highlights. Then like I had noted during the time I disappeared when I had Olivia, maybe one day I'll go back and recap in detail. But here's some of what has happened in the time that I've been away and things fell apart.

• I cheated on L
• I cheated on L with S
• L learned of this in an intense conversation after guilt filled sex.
• He was so hurt and upset I couldn't process or handle so many emotions it was awful.....so
• I cut my wrist...
• I still don't know why, I'm not a fan of physical pain.
• I ended up in a psychiatric ward for 5 days, one of those days being Christmas..
• I missed my daughters first Christmas.
• Learned I was Bipolar
• learned a lot about myself and how my family contributed to my disastrous of a coming up experience.
• I stopped talking to S
• L was there by my side the ENTIRE time... He's a really fucking good man.
• I moved in with him and Olivia after I got out of the hospital.
• While I was still in the hospital L got into an altercation with my mother. She locked Olivia in a room away from him, he kicked in the door, she was behind it. Long story incredibly short. Court issued restraining order insued.
• I still moved in with him... Both of them overreacted.
• My relationship with my family is terse to say the lease... They have never really been looking out for my best interest, but that's another story..
• L and I are struggling to make ends meet. I'm totes broke... But I'm really fucking happy. I don't think I've ever been able to say that.
• Through all of his L and I have found a newfound love and understanding for each other. Doesn't mean that we still don't have shit to straighten.. I really hurt him in a way that no one can, but that's another long story.
• Point is..... IM FREE.

And as things fell apart it revealed a beautiful foundation for me to build my own life around...

Working, working....

So I have a meeting for a position at seed and spark for social media intern and I'm like uuber excited. Don't get me wrong, I love working with my students, but I'd like to move closer to my film and technology side and see where that takes me. I've decided to major in film and minor in early childhood education. Now this was a really hard decision for me because I still have a passion to change the lives of kids. I just don't think I need a hard core degree to do that. I have my own ideas about what I want to do to create change and I can get workin' on that in due time. For the time being I feel compelled to pursue other interest. Who knows this road may take me far.. I gotta get workin first....

Am I the only one in my category?

I've been thinking a lot about why I feel lonely or lacking in the friend department. I mean I never really hang out or really go out for that matter. My life is composed of work,school, and most important my daughter. I barely even spend time with my boyfriend. I come home he leaves to go out. He's got an extracurricular activity ( if I may call it that.....) that allows him to interact with friends (if I may call them that..) but me?? I've got nothing.

See the problem is I don't fit into any category anymore. I'm not one of those mothers who have a stable family or lifestyle and they go to work, take care of the kids and then have girls night out.. I'm neither a young adult on the precipice of adulthood who can participate in reckless abandon for even a weekend... No. I'm also not a teen mother who can drop her baby off at her moms and go hang out at a club. Or an adult that can drop her baby off at her moms and go out with my husband. No.

What I am is .. A young adult, that's responsible towards her responsibilities. Im a young woman just trying to make ends meet. For her own personal, professional, and familial goals. That no longer has any substantial support from her family without any action taken in that area backfiring on her.... I'm a girlfriend that tries her best to be the best girl possible even though I find myself failing a lot. I'm a mother that loves her daughter more than anything else and am very insecure about other people babysitting her (except my mom...but that has its own issues along with it.). To be honest I have no extra time nor money and I'm not sure how to make any of that.

I believe I'm the only one in my category. I find it hard to be around other moms because their life is either way better than mine or a whole lot worse. I find that I don't fit in. I don't have any old longtime friends around me. I have Facebook friends of course but most of my friends that I could connect with live in other states. And even them I'm jealous of. They either have no kids and are living it up or they have kids and are comfortable in their relationships (most are married) and their lifestyles... And they're living it up.
I'm just not there yet I guess. I'm stuck in this limbo and it leaves me oh so lonely.

Maybe one day that'll change. Sigh

Relationships

Relationships are hard for me... Obviously... I don't have enough experience to know if its me or just the guys I choose to be with. I've only had like 3 boyfriends my entire life so far. I've only had sex with 3 guys, one of them I wasn't in a relationship with. So that just makes a mess of things. I had dreams of getting married one day. I can even see it in my head. Probably during spring or even right after summer when we transition into fall.. In the park with a beautiful dress that's non-traditional. I don't know there's a lot of details that I can see clearly, I just can't see the man.
I once upon a time thought I'd be marrying my current boyfriend. Even before all our troubles started to solidify, but at this point, I'm adult enough to see that that's not gonna happen. We're just not compatible enough. Does that mean ill be alone for the rest of my life? I told him that If I wasn't with him I wouldn't be with any other man, which is somewhat true. I don't think I have it in me to fail again. I've failed at every relationship so far in one way or another. Even if the failure isn't my own person, I take on the failures of others. I know it's confusing but It makes sense to me.

Sometimes I think to myself maybe you won't end up with with a guy.. Maybe you'll end up with a girl. Or just plain ole alone. I don't know what the future holds, but I just know the present isn't very reassuring.

Postpartum Depression

So I struggled with postpartum depression about 2 weeks before having Olivia and I must say that I've just recovered from it. It's not like the flu it doesn't go away completely but I have regained some things that I refrained from doing while I was still suffering from the strongest parts.
It was tough. Don't get me wrong though, I NEVER felt like I didn't want my baby girl. I've wanted her since I herd her horse powered heart beat at 8 weeks. Or was it 6? Either way, it wasn't whether or not I wanted her, it was how much am I doing for her. Am I being an ok mommy? I felt like I wasn't being a mother. Nothing was going the way I planned or wanted for that matter. Of course I was thankful for her successful birth, but I didn't envision it leaving me feeling so empty. No skin to skin contact. No breast feeding, nothing that I so desperately wanted, needed.

From there things just went downhill. I pulled away from family, friends. Or rather they pulled away from me. Which made me feel all the worse. I was overly ready for motherhood, but at the same time I felt underprepared. I didn't get to do a belly cast. Or take prego family photos. I didn't get my baby shower. I didn't get my glider chair. I didn't get my own apartment.

There were just too many things I didn't get and it just got me so upset. I was so confident that I had the ability to achieve those things I wanted for my daughter. And it just didn't work out..

I couldn't hang out, be around or even see other mothers sometimes. Especially ones breast feeding. I couldn't bear hearing birth stories because I felt like such a failure.

Birth and motherhood is supposed to be a defining moment for a woman. It shows strength, courage, ultimate love... I felt like I got stripped of all those things. I got robbed of my womanhood.

It was bad enough I got robbed of some of my childhood, and all of my teenage-hood. Only to add the biggest moment of my life. It was heart wrenching and i took it really hard.

But 7 months has passed and now I can say that I'm ok. I'm doing a bang up job as a mother and my daughter has everything she needs for the moment. Not to say that there aren't more things she needs but she's got the basics and I've got the ability to get her the rest. I'm taking it one day at a time. Sometimes I fall back a step, but I just think of the big picture and I look at how far I've come and I feel better. I've made my mistakes, but I can't live in the past... That's what the present's for. And I've got an amazing future to look forward to. And that's enough for me...

It's been a tough week

This week has just been wrecking my soul.
Is this my first post of 2013?? Oh... well
Happy New Years
Happy Valentines Day
Happy President's Day

... Did I miss a holiday?

Well.. back to my original purpose for writing this post. This week has torn me apart. I swear.

So I'm in the middle of transitioning.
But wait..

I never explained what happened between December and now... Not sure if I really feel like getting into details at this moment. Let's just put some bullet points up, which I have become so fond of.

• I cheated on L
• with... you guessed it S
• I feel terrible, but that's besides the point at this time... I was vulnerable and I had a lapse in judgement. 
• L and I got into an argument after unsatisfying sex and I confessed, well rather he pulled it out of me
• I severely broke his heart... he cried 
• I felt even worse
• I had another lapse in judgement and I drank..a lot.. 
• Followed shortly by a depletion in judgement all together 
• I cut my wrist
• It was deep it was bad, but obviously I'm still able to write this so I'm alive and well.. (kinda)
• I was in the hospital for about 3 or 4 days afterward (a psych ward)
• I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2.
• Put my life into perspective
• But it was still in shambles nonetheless
• I cut off all communication with S
• and after a messy messy conversation L and I made up
• It took a lot of courage and devotion
• Thereafter I moved out of my moms house and in with him (we're renting a room)
• I've cut off communication with my extended family (they're we're bullshitting me anyway, I was tired of pretending to like them)
• I went back to work and school and it has been ups and downs since....

Which brings us swiftly to the present moment.. now I know that was a lot to digest and there's so many questions, but take head.. feel free to leave a comment if you must or just wait until i publish a more detailed post.  I've got so much to say, it's just that my cell phone stopped working so I've been using a shitty tracphone until I can get a new one so I haven't been able to use the blogger app. 

that shit was sooooo convenient. 

Anywho, this week has been shit and I don't see much of an improvement happening. But overall, I've just become fed up with myself. with me and who I am. I am not happy with who I am. 

I'm fat. (everyone seems to keep on bringing it up, including the clothes that no longer fit me..)

I'm broke. (I've been living paycheck to paycheck and after recent events with my job, I wont have a paycheck to live off of for another 2 weeks)

My clothes and shoes are done.. (they have holes and they're worn out, it's terrible. I look like a professional bum I swear.)

My hair is a mess... (well I've decided to cut it... I'm going natural. So I'm just waiting for the next time I'll have $35 to do that..... sigh)

I have no friends... (except for V. that's pretty self explanatory.)

And my relationship has never been more confusing..

I AM NOT HAPPY!!!

I don't know how I got here.. or where I'm going from here. Life is KICKING MY ASS. 

I am normally a happy go lucky girl, I can find happiness in anything and everything. But it seems like everything (with the exception of Olivia and V) are making me bitter. I can feel my soul deteriorating. This is not me.. I'M LOSING ME!!!

I've identified almost all my problems, but I have no way of addressing them. I know I need to exercise and eat better to lose weight but I've become so bombarded by stress that I can muster a way to do that. 

Not to mention that the comments of others have made me so self conscious that it only fules the stress and bad eating habits. I've cried 3 times in the past 2 days already and I can see more tears coming down the line. 

I FEEL SO DAMN ALONE! it's horrible. 

I've started drinking more again, well not really. I don't have money for alcohol, but I do have alcohol I over do it on the drinks. Not that it makes me feel any different. Not even sure why I do it. I think I'm just jealous of those that have vices that make them feel better. Because no matter what I do.. I never feel better. It's just a continuous perpetual arena of self loathing and world hating. I hate to hate! 

I can't stand this anymore.

(BTW Random Note: Olivia is 6 months now, and she has her first 2 teeth! and She's eating solid foods, well purred solid foods.. and she has a tooth brush!! and she's sleeping through the night!.. I'm so proud of my baby..)

I'm so ready to just be done with this self and move on to the real me, who I've been suppressing  almost all my life. But I have no idea how to do that. I don't know how to stop caring so much what other people think and do what makes me satisfied and happy. I don't know how to achieve my own happiness. 

Oh, I almost forgot we're in the middle of moving to another room. In the Bronx this time. It's much cheaper, but we really need our own apartment like asap.  I know it may sound terrible, but I CAN'T LIVE WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE... It's frustrating in more ways than one, and people may seem nice at first but they're a whole other being when you live with them... sigh..

This week has been kicking my ass, but I think I've gotten so fed up that I've prepared myself for the worst... I just have to take it one day at a time. 

I wish I didn't feel so lonely. or empty. 

sigh.