Maybe this is and isn't the end

It's been a rough month, week, day... 

There's been betrayal, anger, deaths, anything you can imagine it's here. I've experienced It and I'm fed up. I'm so tired I can't even begin to start a conversation on everything. Let's just focus on the major things:

L-

I think almost 80% of this damn blog is about his ass. Seriously. It's a damn shame that a man can take over so much of me. Never thought it could happen. Anyway long story short were back at odds again. It seems like no matter what I do, it's never enough for him. He's always angry at me in one way or another. I understand his predicament is tough and his male ego is really hurting but he needs to pull it together and start thinking outside of the box. He's so caught up in the "principle" of things that he can't even see opportunities in front of him. He won't get far waiting for the Goddess hersef to take him out of his drowning waters. But there's nothing that say or do that can convince him of that. He's just seems to blame everything else under the sun. He talks big about taking responsibility for his issue, but can't seem to compromise enough to fix it. What kind of shit is that???!!! Anyway, I'm so over it all. I don't even care anymore. He can do what he wants. I need to get my daughter into some type of childcare for the summer and handle my own business because I don't got time or energy to babysit him. 

Work-

I'm over it. Whatever happens, happens. 

Finances-

Over it. 

Car-

Whatever

I need to get my license tho. My test is coming up, but I don't even have my 5 hour!! 

Olivia-

I really need to find her child care. In other news found out she has profound hearing loss in her left ear. Sigh. I. Can't. I just can't. I feel like I'm failing. 

Family-

Done. Over it. No further comments. 

School-

Finally good news! I received the recommendation of a lifetime and found out about The New School here in NYC. Went to an info session today and it's everything I ever imagined. I'm going to start my application when I get home. I can create my own major, there's flexible classes both on campus and online, evening and daytime, full time and part time. I'll be able to work one on one with a counselor the whole time. I can get credits for my life experience. Omg I can't even begin to speak about how happy finding this program makes me. I'm over the moon. In a sea of shit that's my life this is my redemption. THIS. This school will be the new start I so desperately need. I can't wait. The advisor wants me to apply for the Fall!! Let's see what happens. Shit it can't get worse then this. 

It's Ouija

I wonder if it's just me or does anyone else feel like their dying so they go to the doctor and it's as if the problem goes away, it's not even relevant and the doctor makes you feel a little awkward about even brining it up... Causing you to feel as if you need to have your guts laying on the ground before even attempting to bring up any issues ever again. Essentially everything in your life feels de-validated, as if you're living a lie.???

Well that's me.

That's fucking me. 

I'm supposed to be following up with so many things (medically) but I feel like I'm insane now so I'll just let them slip away. 

And then I thought I had a legitimate issue at work, and I did.. I do.. But it's been de-validated so I feel like a shit head. I wanna go hide in a rock. Not that I don't have any reason to be concerned (with that whole debacle I just feel more concerned) but the air around it just let me know I made a mistake talking abut it. It's like in a horror story talking about the ghost dimension or then"other side" makes the ghost, demon, ect. aware of your presence. 

Oh well..???? I guess. I just have to pretend I didn't just metaphysically die today. I have to stop fighting the system. Because it's fucked up in so many ways. 

And now I can't go back. I can't go back to not being sick, or not being broke, or stressed, or worried. I can't go back to not being the black sheep at work.. (Not literally though, half of us are black) but I feel like someone's watching me.. Trying to get me to fuxk up and then proceed to destroy me (I know who it is, and yes she's white) 

I can't go back to being happy. It's almost gone. 

I'm heading towards breakdown valley and I can't stand that. I've got too many pent up emotions and I don't think I'll make it much farther.  I worked so hard to get better. So hard to compromise. So hard to be the perfect thing. Well not perfect, but ideal. Without losing who I am. But now I'm just metaphysically dead. That's it. 

Backtrack

So because the Blogger app is absolute shit I was writing quick post (that I inevitably never got to finish) in my Notes app on my iPhone. So I thought I'd just share those real quick:

May 19th -

It's been a rough few days with a lot of ups and downs. I meant to post during an up moment, but I've been particularly hesitant because of a down. So let me just explain. 

I recently got.  Engaged. 

Yup it happened. 

But before you get all hyped it wasn't out of desperation or whatever. It was because he knew he was going to lose me. 

I originally wasn't going go write it like that, but it's the truth. Otherwise he would've proposed a log time ago. Not to mention a ring fell out the sky.. Meaning I bought it. Actually there's a really interesting story behind the ring.....

I came across this company called Fragrance Jewelry or something like that which sells candles and bath bombs with jewelry hidden in them. I got a coupon and won a little offer which convinced me to give it a try. I thought it must be costume jewelry but it wasn't I got some pretty gorgeous rings out of it. (I got 1 candle, 1 bath bomb and a free gift) payed almost nothing but I had a chance to win a 10,000 ring and I was like YOLO. However I didn't know the events that enfolded after, would and by the time I got the rings I had forgotten about them. And I was still freshly healing from the debacle. But L and i was on great terms, so when he saw it and said, "this would be a great engagement ring right babe?" I thought to myself "well isn't this convenient...." But then he grabbed my had and said, "Khadija Monet Charles will you marry me?" And flashed his ever loving smile, I couldn't help but say yes. And feel happy about it. He's through the roof and so is our families (my moms already started planning.) and even though we don't want to have the wedding until 2018 we can't help but secretly plan ourselves. Because I think it's what we both wanted a long time ago. 

However, there's still so many things wrong going on. Let me break it down. 

1. I can't tell my best friend. Because I feel like she'll be upset, or jealous or skeptical or negative about it. Or whatever, but I've been few if some friction with us recently so I can't really between us 

END

May 25th- 

Well that was fast. 

I hadn't even gotten a chance to post some really interesting news when it was already absolved.

L and I were engaged. (Long story that i don't think I want to talk about anymore) 

All was well, we even started trying to have another child again. 

And then..... BOOM. 

Looks like we're breaking up.

Looks like he can't handle me anymore. 

Looks like he's not a man. 

Looks like I'm just... I'm... I don't know. I can't find a way to not blame him for this. After everything. 

There's no way I can not blame him for this. 

He finally gave up on me. And I shouldn't be surprised, our entire relationship has been a lie. And he's constantly been showing me signs. So whatever. 

I can't even focus on my emotions because I have to think about the practicalities of him leaving. I've spent $$$ on him that I can't get back now. Was dependent on him working and picking up that slack. But now that he'll be out of the picture I've got to pick up the pieces by myself. Hmmmm.

END 

Let's catch up:

I've been gone for some time and I never got to settle some of my mess.

1. I did end up breaking up with L. Only briefly, and it wasn't even after that event. 
2. We got engaged, then broke up, then got back together. 
3. A part of me can't stand him, but I can't be without him. I think that's love.
4. oh.. yeah.. We got engaged. it's actually pretty good. 
5. He's still not working, and it's stills stressing me out. 
6. I'm over here trying to move into 2017 without financial woes, and he's still trying to move up from 2015. 
7. But I still love him. 
8. Oh yea, and I'm still trying to have another baby. 
9. I didn't do anything for my birthday. Happy Belated Birthday to me! (also Mothers Day, because I think I missed that, and Fathers Day... it was jacked up... )
10. I'm not really sure what I'm doing now. 

Now that we're all caught up. I'd just like to put it out there that I'm slowly losing my mind. 

AGAIN!! I don't know how much more of this I can take. Something needs to give. Like yesterday. It needs to give, give, give, GIVE. 

I'm pretty sure that I'm going insane. I'm ripping apart at the seams, and it's affecting my mood like no one's business. I'm trying to be the good guy (girl) here and not push my stress on anyone else. but I just want to yell. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. 

L keeps asking me why I have an attitude, and I just want to yell at him: BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY BY MYSELF!!!

My best friend keeps sending me videos about becoming vegan because I make the mistake of complaining about being sick and fat, and I just want to yell at her: I FUCKING LIKE MEAT, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!! I'M TOO FUCKING STRESSED TO CARE!!

Because that's the honesty of the situation. 

I can't sleep right, I can't think straight, I can't eat right, my emotions are in a tizzy, my brain is fizzy.. (ok, I just couldn't help myself with that)

It's happening again, the depression is kicking in. I can't seem to get my damn shit together. I just need a little bumb. A little... something.. maybe.. a little help.