Repeat.

Ok, I had started writing a post about my latest good news but like a fool who's never used this app before I forgot to save it as a draft once I got above ground. So I lost the draft. Fuck. 

I don't feel much in the mood to write out the whole thing again so I'm gonna truncate it. 

I got a new job. More like a promotion and this change in position comes with a change in title and a change in salary. 

Actually I just realized. Id now be a salaried employee. FUCK YES!!  And I'll also be making almost 3 times what I make now. And to put that in perspective I make about $21,000 now. Ok, not almost... But almost. Just minus 5k from that triple and you've got me. Plus I'll still be at my same department with my same team, same work location (for the most part, I'll be doing some in field work too). #yaaaasssssssss

I'm really excited and I'm ready for some great things. Like a new bra, my license and a car... ( oh I almost forgot, I also got my permit!!! #somuchyes) and vacations. I'll now have vakay days, paid holidays, sick days, paid time off, the lots. Omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news. Not as exciting or life changing but maybe a little life altering. I've come across this thing called Professional Cuddling and it's almost the best thing since chocolate and although I don't think we have those things out here it's lead me to these apps that help people meet to cuddle. Nothin sexual at all, just human contact. It sounds so enthralling, I'm going to try it, hopefully it's not a negative experience. I haven't had time for a cuddle just yet but I can't wait. I'll post more about this in a separate post by itself. 

5 Stages of Grief

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance


I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing at least the first 2 stages of grief right about now. Or an odd mixture of all of them at the same time.

I'm pretty fed up with everything. I've kinda checked out and I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything, almost at all. It's been a really rocky night and an even rockier day. I'd just like to go  home and crawl into my bed and sleep.

Too bad L is sick and I have Olivia to take care of. I'd much rather not have to worry about anyone.

What really has me more upset than anything is that I feel cheated. I knew this job wasn't cutting it, but it was making ends meet and that's the most important thing. I feel like I have no actual footing and at a moments notice I could be in some deep dark hole trying unsuccessfully to claw my way out.

On top of that I feel cheated by my goddamn coworkers although I know they're human and this isn't their fault, I feel like I don't deserve this compared to them.

Obviously this does not apply to all of them, just one in particular who never shows up for fucking work and yet she still has a goddamn job. Like seriously??!!!!???>>>

I can't seem to get past not really feeling this bullshit piece of shit they've fed me. I'm ready to give up. I can feel it.

Depression is hitting me hard. I've been putting on a brave face, and I've been doing the best I can, but everytime I walk into this office, every time I sit at this desk or answer this bloody phone it feels like betrayal to my emotions. To my actual heartbreak. it's not fair! It's not fucking fair!

I do so well, and I work so hard and I always seem to get the short end of the stick. I hate this, I hate every fucking second of this. But I have no choice but to move on i guess. cause that's what i do. i persevere right? i make fucking magic happen right?

i dont' know where i am. or what i'm doing. or who i am for that damn matter. what the fuck is this?

Through Hoops

It's hard to not get depressed or discouraged or disgruntled. Because I'm feeling almost all 3. I'm stressed beyond relief right now. I feel like... I'm not sure exactly. It really hasn't been helping to write all this down because it feels redundant. It feels like nothing ever changes. Im at a precepace that makes me uncomfortable because I'm not sure how much power my decisions make. Am I guiding myself into more despair or is the universe moving through me to bring me closer to alignment with success?? It's like every move i make can be detrimental, but then maybe I just have to trust that no matter what, whatever decision I make, it won't be detrimental.

This all makes me sick. 

Posts

Im tried of writing this shit.

Slow motion

I swear this bus is moving at the slowest speed imaginable to man.

I'm running late, and I hate that shit. 

I've decided that I really need my license, at least. 

My hopes is that I can transition into the position with the other company and be able to stay in my department, in the same office and not too far from my old desk. :D I'm also figuring that I'd also be able to get a car (even if it's a little put put)  and that would make life easier in more ways than one. 

I'm contemplating though, not telling L. There's pros and cons to that. Here's a list of some of my thoughts. 

1. He may not want to know. - like he seriously has a probably addressing the realities of our financial situation. I guess that's because he feels powerless, but most of the time I'm not concerned with his lacking, I just want his input. Even when e was working, I wanted to come together on that front and he preferred to just throw some money at me and shoo me away. I don't operate like that. 

2. I might not want to add additional stress to our situation. He's not very emotionally supportive and will find some way to blame me for everything. 

3. I might not want to know about my potential change in income... Although it would regardless be a change in schedule. 

4. I prefer honesty above all, and I strive to have an open line of communication and I feel like L should be my partner no mater what the situation. Alas most of the time he's the disappointed babies father almost 75% of the time (maybe even more). 

5. I don't want to stress about this by myself. But I don't want his 2 cents.

I don't know what the hell I want anymore.

I'm stressed beyond belief and it's boiling over the edge. This is most definitely a breaking point and it's uncomfortable. I'd like to say that all will work out, but with everything not being ok, it feels like it won't (because if it was going to work out, then this shouldn't be a problem in the first place). But things keep coming at me left and right and it's a goddamn shame. I'm not sure how to handle anything and that indicative not taking to adulthood well. At this point I'm really like fuck it. I'm ready to just throw my hands in the air, leave, move to mexico city, build a bungalow, and live off the charts. But that doesn't sound enticing at all.

I think my biggest issue is I'm a fan of solutions. I like things to just be done. Even if it's a waiting game (like when you purchase something online and you're waiting for it, at least you know the transaction is done.. and now all you have to do is wait.). But at this point I'm not even waiting. I'm just fucking anxious, and everything seems to be in slow motion. I don't like this. I misplaced my debit card and no i have no access to cash or funds for god knows how long, because they won't accept my fucking ID. It's not as if the ID doesn't have my picture, address, signature. Fuck the shit practically has my damn blood sample and DNA.. and these fucking bank assholes would still not accept it. As if I fucking printed the shit in my back yard and decided to use that to take MY OWN FUCKING MONEY!

i swear im having a mini panic attack because this could be detrimental. I need to do laundry, and buy additional stuff for the house, like i can't be fucking broke for the entire weekend. if it was during the week i wouldn't care so much. or if i had no id at all i wouldn't be so upset, mostly because i would be at fault. but i have several forms of pictorial identification, not to mention all of my other credit cards with my name and signature. i also have myself, and lets not mention that it's myfucking money and if i'd like to take it out i should be able to.

i won't be able to concentrate properly until this situation has been resolved. and I cant honestly say that i'm ok with having no money for the weekend. i really should've been paying more attention to whether or not i had my debit card on me. but when you go a week without needing to use it because you have no money whatsoever, then it because a little redundant to keep track of it 24/7. But now it's frustrating having money and not being able to use it. i have a little under an hour until lunch and I cant focus because i need to get this resolved. immediately. it's either they accept some way some how my form of id or i'm closing my account and they'll be hell to pay over that. it's bad enough that i'm living paycheck to paycheck and everything else in my life is out to stress me beyond breaking point, but in addition they want to fucks withmy money!!!?? You don't fucks with a poor womans money. sorry im ranting. 

Eventful

I walked into work getting a surprise phone call. 

I'm losing my job! 🎉 (that's the confetti cone emoji btw) 

Well it seems that what I had expected happened way sooner than I expected. They didn't even let me get 6 months in. 

The good news amongst all this 💩 (poop emoji) is that I might have a shot at getting a better job and stay in the same department, I'd just be working for a different company. A consultation company working on Super StormSandy  recovery. I could potentially negotiate for a better salary and benefits. But I have to go through the regular application process and I have no real idea what the timeline is and/or if I'll in fact get the job. 

Then the temp agency is also offering me a job with the Customer Contact Center, but the pay is the same, same NYCHA stipulations.. With the added effect that it's in Long Island City and the hours vary... Morning, evening, overnight. 

I'd have to rely heavily on L. And even that is still a shot in the dark. 

These opportunities are both, by the way, excellent alternatives to unemployment and they're both a whole lot more guaranteed than me doing job search on my own. But they're both time sensitive so I have to play my cards right. I'd really like to stay in my department. And I'd like a better salary, even if it's for a year. But everything is literally up in the air. 

So I just have to wait and see where the cards land. 

When the times get tough, the tough cry in the bathroom

I spent yesterday cleaning almost all of the whole house. The goal was really to get a layer of the broax roach powder thing down. I'm hoping that I'll see great improvement over the next few weeks. I already see less roaches but that might be because I haven't fine cleaned the apartment in a while. And even though L is home all day, it's a struggle to get him to even do the dishes.

I hate to say it or think it, but he's worthless. It's really a terrible thought to have, and I'd like to have chosen a better word for his laziness or depression.. But that's the awful truth of the matter. I don't mean it in an ill way, just an honest one. 

A few days ago he was given an interview for FedEx (which is a much sought after interview/position, because it pays great) but he couldn't take it because he wouldn't be able to pass the drug test.

Then I had set him up for the interview with a job that he used to work this season last year, but he didn't get the job because a manager there hadn't liked him. I'm sure she's just a bitch, but with all the trouble I have with L, he owns a lot of blame for that as well. 

And then when I asked him if he's been applying to jobs he said no, because he needs help with the applications. He still doesn't know how to upload a resume. That's because he never pays attention when I show him how. That's how we met you know... I was showing him to fucking upload his resume...

Sometimes I step into his shoes and realize how hard it must be. How much his ego is probably suffering. And then I realize that he's doing it to himself, by being an ungrateful hypocrite. But then that's none of my business. He is taking me to a breaking point. But I can't abandon him, because that's what every one else has done. However sometimes I think, that maybe he needs to do this by himself, without my help. Otherwise he'll never change. I don't know. 

What I do know, is that he left me to do all the work in the house by myself (after only cleaning the bathroom) and then blaming my after pain on me because I didn't ask for help. 

Like seriously?!!  Where the fuck is your goddamn initiative??!! Must. I. Do. EVRYTHING??!!! And the answer is yes. I always have and it seems that I always will. I suffered last night, the back pain brought me to tears. The epidural that I unfortunately accepted fucked me royally. I'll never be the same again, I can tell. Acupuncture would help, but I can't afford it, and I don't have medical insurance for anything else. And I'm also terribly overweigh, which doesn't help, so yesterday's activities took a serious took in my body. When I went to lay down I could barely get comfortable, I only fell asleep out if exhaustion. I still am feeling the pain today. 

I cried in the bathroom last night, not for long. But just enough to take some of the pressure off my swollen heart. The stitches aren't holding well. But they'll have to do for now, I've got plenty more pain and suffering to withstand. 

After effects

. I still the feel the blanket of the nightmare on me. I didn't go to sleep right away. Instead I trolled Facebook, checked emails, played games, watched Wendy Williams and watched (and did) other illicit things to try and get my mind off the inevitable. By the time I tried going back to sleep it was about 4 am. I tossed and had a few other less important but equally startling dreams. They were so vivid. 

Later on, L tried to wake me up to "cuddle", I pushed him away like he had done me. And then I tried sleeping again. I was in and out for several hours, Olivia coming in a few times to lay next to me. At first she looked at me once and ran away crying, I wondered what she saw in my aura. What type of energy was I emitting? I also think she was frightened by the lack of sleep I had gotten. I'm sure it rolled off my body like a bad smell. 

I finally woke around 10 and struggled to accept the day. I haven't really spoken with L beyond what was necessary, he annoys me and I don't think I can handle much. He didn't even care what I had a nightmare about. To be honest all he really cares about is himself. And he deflects that by saying I'm the selfish one. 

Right now we're heading to his cousins daughters bday party. I'm so exhausted. 

I don't really know what I'm doing at this point. 

Nightmares

Had a bad dream just now. I don't want to write about the details because I'll never sleep again. It wasn't super scary at the end, just emotionally charged with high energy. Of a child I said was no longer mine. He was a little boy. He was not alive. 

I've only ever felt guilt over my abortion shortly after it was over. I still have the sonogram as if it was Olivia's. But I think I've repressed any real heartbreak. My gut says it was a son. Sigh. Maybe I'm speculating to much. 

When I woke up, I reached for L and he got upset. I hate that. I can't tell anymore if I actually hate him, or if I'm just beyond disappointed. 

There was other children in the dream. They died from drinking poisoned milk from a daycare. I don't know my connection. But I was trying to unravel something. Me and my two daughters I think. And L. Alternate universe L.

I think there was 2 me's in the dream. Real me and alternate universe me. I'm not shaking anymore, but I'm afraid to let sleep take over. I'm exhausted though. I don't want to think about this anyone, but that boys pain.....

I feel like I have no one to talk to. I hate this.