When the times get tough, the tough cry in the bathroom

I spent yesterday cleaning almost all of the whole house. The goal was really to get a layer of the broax roach powder thing down. I'm hoping that I'll see great improvement over the next few weeks. I already see less roaches but that might be because I haven't fine cleaned the apartment in a while. And even though L is home all day, it's a struggle to get him to even do the dishes.

I hate to say it or think it, but he's worthless. It's really a terrible thought to have, and I'd like to have chosen a better word for his laziness or depression.. But that's the awful truth of the matter. I don't mean it in an ill way, just an honest one. 

A few days ago he was given an interview for FedEx (which is a much sought after interview/position, because it pays great) but he couldn't take it because he wouldn't be able to pass the drug test.

Then I had set him up for the interview with a job that he used to work this season last year, but he didn't get the job because a manager there hadn't liked him. I'm sure she's just a bitch, but with all the trouble I have with L, he owns a lot of blame for that as well. 

And then when I asked him if he's been applying to jobs he said no, because he needs help with the applications. He still doesn't know how to upload a resume. That's because he never pays attention when I show him how. That's how we met you know... I was showing him to fucking upload his resume...

Sometimes I step into his shoes and realize how hard it must be. How much his ego is probably suffering. And then I realize that he's doing it to himself, by being an ungrateful hypocrite. But then that's none of my business. He is taking me to a breaking point. But I can't abandon him, because that's what every one else has done. However sometimes I think, that maybe he needs to do this by himself, without my help. Otherwise he'll never change. I don't know. 

What I do know, is that he left me to do all the work in the house by myself (after only cleaning the bathroom) and then blaming my after pain on me because I didn't ask for help. 

Like seriously?!!  Where the fuck is your goddamn initiative??!! Must. I. Do. EVRYTHING??!!! And the answer is yes. I always have and it seems that I always will. I suffered last night, the back pain brought me to tears. The epidural that I unfortunately accepted fucked me royally. I'll never be the same again, I can tell. Acupuncture would help, but I can't afford it, and I don't have medical insurance for anything else. And I'm also terribly overweigh, which doesn't help, so yesterday's activities took a serious took in my body. When I went to lay down I could barely get comfortable, I only fell asleep out if exhaustion. I still am feeling the pain today. 

I cried in the bathroom last night, not for long. But just enough to take some of the pressure off my swollen heart. The stitches aren't holding well. But they'll have to do for now, I've got plenty more pain and suffering to withstand.