Story time part two

I was in the mood yesterday to reflect on where I am so far... Actually where I have been. Alas, this is the result:

I believe that I was somewhere around the age of 18 when I started to think about the"future". 

A particular event always comes to mind. 

I was mad at my family, for some reason or another. They always found reasons to have me mad at them. It's not their fault, it's just the blood. However I decided to leave, walk out the house. 

This has not been the first time I had done this. 

I have a tendency to run away. 

Don't get me wrong, I was coming back. I didn't pack bags or anything. I just went for a walk. A long walk. I needed to think. 

No one ever understood the therapy in this.  They were just always mad that I never said anything. Why should I? That wasn't the point . The point was to give myself a total break. 

But I digress, I walked and walked and walked that day. Far and went to the closest park to get on the swings. In the grand scheme of things, I wasn't very far. We lived in Wesley Chapel FL at the time so nothing was really walking distance but I was a 2 min drive away. I don't remember what I thought about that day. I'm sure I wrote about it in one of my diaries. But I don't think it was important, what was important was I contemplated my reasons for being here. Still. After many attempts to leave, to free myself I was still binded to my life. 

As an older person (see I don't see myself as an adult yet, but that's for another post) I know I have ties here.. Olivia. 

Some may say, "but what about your family?" Well I love my family and they love me, but honestly they could do without. If I had never existed there would be no foul no harm. But if I didn't exist then neither would Olivia. 

No foul no harm still you think? 

Well believe it or not she's more important than you know. Than I know . 

As well if I disappeared. My family would grieve exponentially but eventually heal. Olivia would always have questions. That I couldn't answer. 

At this point I am living day by day. Because it's hard to focus on a future that looks bleak. Or just plain old blank. I can't even hope for anything because dissapointment has tainted me. 

Eh, I think that day was the last time I actually looked for the future. At this point Im just wait for it to greet me. 

Story time

I don't know why I only write when I'm down or feeling out of it. 

Actually most of the time I try to refrain from writing post when I'm ass out but this time it was that I had the thought to post an intriguing muse. A story. It wasn't negative even though the experience  was both good and bad but... Alas in the end I was going to end it with a positive and happy note. Now, not so much. 

Nothing has changed actually I just stopped lying to myself. 

I do not wish to relive the story presently the purpose of this post is no longer about that. 

Actually I'm not sure what it's about anymore. 

I guess I'm just hurt, like always. 

I can't stop hurting. Thinking about my future and hating it. Hating how fake the hurt will make me become. How tired I will be of pretending to be ok. 

I hate the back and forth. 

I miss the silent beauty of not having to worry about my heart. I was always alone. Relationships suck so after I got out of my last one I was determined to shy away from that shit. Didn't end up like that, someone else had something else in mind. Now I'm just writing stories. Feeling hurt.