Maybe its safe to say...

I'm slowly dying. That stress has reached a peak where its physical effects outweigh the emotional.

He's lost all respect for me. Because I haven't kicked him out. And k out up with his shit and still love him, almost unconditionally. 

I'm ready to give up. Because this all seems pointless and it hurts far too much far too many times, for far too long. 

This could be the end. A sour beginning of something that's not me. And a sweet hello to something that will destroy me entirely. 

I wonder what I've done wrong?

I'm very tired today. I find it so odd that every time I get paid somehow, some way I end up being more stressed. I guess it's because I have to take care of bills and I'd rather just avoid them.

I think If I had just enough money to get everything done, this includes little things like laundry and toiletries, then I'd be happy. It's not having enough money and stressing about how I'm going to make an inch stretch a mile that's driving me insane. I'm not comfortable with that.

So this morning when I realized that my check was well below my hopes (not my secret expectations mind you) I started off by advising L of the current financial situation. And he promptly proceeded to shut me down because he didn't want to hear about it.

Basically, I explained to him that I wouldn't have enough money to pay the rent...
(I honestly wanted his feedback on what he thought we should do.. pay some of it? Find out if I could make arrangements? I was just tired of being burdened with all of these "what if's?")
and he got upset and told me to just pay the rent and now worry about everything else like laundry (mind you it's been almost 3 weeks since laundry has been done because the laundry money went to other thing that it shouldn't have. I told him that I might not have enough for event that. And again he proceeded to shut me down stating that he didn't want to know and that I should just pretend he wasn't there.

I broke down. Because all I wanted was to not have to carry this stress by myself. I wanted some type of feedback or support, even if it's emotional. I just wanted reassurance that everything was going to be ok, and that he'd be working just as hard to figure it out. But I didn't get that, because that's not the type of person he is. So here I am 2 steps away from death. Feeling nauseous as fuck and a migraine the size of Africa. (I hope I'm not pregnant, but this has been the 4th day in a row I feel like this).

I'm ready to tell him to pack his things and leave. Because at least if he's not going to be bare minimum emotionally supportive then he's only bringing me down. He thinks I should pretend he's not there, when I think he just shouldn't be. I'm fed up, and there's but so much a girl can take. I've done nothing but supportive and patient with him and he cannot afford me the same. I never make decisions like that on an emotional bend so I'm giving myself the day, maybe even the weekend, to mull it over. I'm not sure if I'm in the right state of mind, considering all this stress, but it's probably the closest I'll get to right at this point. I'd like to go home and sulk about this on my couch but I cannot.

I'm broke and it's only getting worse and I don't know what to do and I'd like to stop being stressed and I just want to curl up in a ball or run away to Australia or finish this sentence but I cannot because my  emotions are bubbling up inside me and I swear I'm going to explode at one point or anther and the holidays are coming up and you know how I get around that time and I just wanted this year to be better and easier, which makes me rethink kicking L out because that would put a rift in the holidays, maybe for new years, ok, I really need a period.

My lunch hour is coming up soon, but I don't feel like eating. I'm thanking the Goddess in my head that the phones are quiet today and that no one is really coming to the window today. What a blessing. I think I could be on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm shaking and I can't really concentrate. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm sure no actual work is going to get done today. This sucks. This really sucks.

Well, I at least need to finish making those calls ....

I also realized - mid rant- that I've gotten fed up with a lot of things in my life. I've slowly stopped talking to my best friend because I just don't want to. Which upsets me, because I wish I could talk to someone but I don't like whining, I like solutions and at this point no one has been able to offer me that so I just stopped asking.

My irritability and emotionalism has lead me to believe that something is wrong with me, but maybe it's just the stress or the bipolar disorder or even the lack of menstruation that I've been experiencing for months because of this damn IUD.

Wow, this is a really long post.

I hate going on a rant about all the bad and stressful things in my life but it seems as though that's all I have. I think that sucks more than anything. I want more than this.

Love letter #1

I write you a Love letter. Because i never have. 

I write you a Love letter because you're all I have.

I write you a Love letter because you deserve more. 

I write you a Love letter because its secretly what you're waiting for. 

It's the whispers, the kisses in the night. The soft hugs of reassurance. The passionate sex after a hurtful fight.

It's the melody inside of me that resonates with you telepathically, you're all I need eventually two lost souls on a path of destiny. 

Don't count yourself short or sell yourself high. It's not the magic of the destination but the amazement in the ride. And with you there's a roller-coaster of affairs we're waiting to share in the recesses of living rooms bathrooms and tiny spaces placing on tables our boxed up hearts in cages. I know your temper rages and i can be stubborn like an ass but its the future were looking towards not the past the humanity in our sanity or lack there of nothing that can't be cured with an unexpected kiss or a strong hug. Filling each others souls with goals that we can only reach together honestly our best and probably only policy no matter how hard it may be these words I write with love and hopes for light let the ego that swells within your heart take flight and be certain ill catch it with all my might. We may not be wrong we may not be right but in these love letters it's worth the fight. It's why I write. 

A Love letter to you 

Because its all I can do. 

To prove 

How much i really love you. 

In ways that words cannot obtain or sentiments cannot contain. Promises that don't remain. In times where there's nothing but pain. A reminder that although we may never change, the feelings will always be the same.

And as I write please note the flaws that we see in each other are only temporary moments of uncertainty. When you've forgotten how much you mean to me. When your eyes are blind and I have to help you see. I hope it's this Love letter that will put your mind at ease. And bring your heart back to its tempo'd beat. 

And once more ill remind you what your looking for, found not at mine, but at your souls door. 

And one day when we've gone about our hearts way, and there's nothing left to say, you can pass this love letter on in some way.