New Direction

No, not the band. Although I'm really upset that I enjoy their latest song (Drag me down.. NOBODY NOBODAAAAAAAYYYYY!!). I'm supposed to be too cool for mainstream!! -_-. Although I fucking love Maroon 5. Feelings is on the top of my list right now. Actually, why don't I take a break from depressing shit and make a list of all my favorites as of now. [This sounds like a lot of fun and will help me ignore not having eaten anything for lunch. *insert thumbs up emoji* (when are they going to get emoji's for blogger.. WHEN???!!... What's even more weird is that when I use the app and I add emoji's they don't come up on the website as emoji's. Catch up Google. >. >]

1. Feelings - Maroon 5 
2. Faded - Zhu (ODESZA remix)
3. Sunny - Hippy Sabotage
4. Hotline Bling - Drake
5. ANYTHING THEY MAKE! - Alina Baraz & Galimatas
6. Out of My League - Fitz & The Tantrums
7. ANYTHING THEY MAKE! - Little Dragon
8. Babylon - SZA
9. Coffee, Dress, Hey Mami, Play It Right - Sylvan Esso
10. Without You, My Friends Never Die - ODESZA
11. F Dat - Slick Shoota  
12. Lean On - Major Lazer
13. Summer, How Deep is Your Love - Calvin Harris
14. Pretty Lights - One Day They'll Know (ODESZA remix)
15. The Wheel - SOHN

I think it's pretty safe to say that this only grazes my musical enjoyment, but I really love anything that comes across my desk. I'm looking forward to moving into international stuff, because I've heard some K-pop clips and I really like them! 

 Well I think I've all but completely forgotten about what this post was originally going to be about..

Oh yes, I'm going to try new things. TADA! 

Maybe its safe to say...

I'm slowly dying. That stress has reached a peak where its physical effects outweigh the emotional.

He's lost all respect for me. Because I haven't kicked him out. And k out up with his shit and still love him, almost unconditionally. 

I'm ready to give up. Because this all seems pointless and it hurts far too much far too many times, for far too long. 

This could be the end. A sour beginning of something that's not me. And a sweet hello to something that will destroy me entirely. 

I wonder what I've done wrong?

I'm very tired today. I find it so odd that every time I get paid somehow, some way I end up being more stressed. I guess it's because I have to take care of bills and I'd rather just avoid them.

I think If I had just enough money to get everything done, this includes little things like laundry and toiletries, then I'd be happy. It's not having enough money and stressing about how I'm going to make an inch stretch a mile that's driving me insane. I'm not comfortable with that.

So this morning when I realized that my check was well below my hopes (not my secret expectations mind you) I started off by advising L of the current financial situation. And he promptly proceeded to shut me down because he didn't want to hear about it.

Basically, I explained to him that I wouldn't have enough money to pay the rent...
(I honestly wanted his feedback on what he thought we should do.. pay some of it? Find out if I could make arrangements? I was just tired of being burdened with all of these "what if's?")
and he got upset and told me to just pay the rent and now worry about everything else like laundry (mind you it's been almost 3 weeks since laundry has been done because the laundry money went to other thing that it shouldn't have. I told him that I might not have enough for event that. And again he proceeded to shut me down stating that he didn't want to know and that I should just pretend he wasn't there.

I broke down. Because all I wanted was to not have to carry this stress by myself. I wanted some type of feedback or support, even if it's emotional. I just wanted reassurance that everything was going to be ok, and that he'd be working just as hard to figure it out. But I didn't get that, because that's not the type of person he is. So here I am 2 steps away from death. Feeling nauseous as fuck and a migraine the size of Africa. (I hope I'm not pregnant, but this has been the 4th day in a row I feel like this).

I'm ready to tell him to pack his things and leave. Because at least if he's not going to be bare minimum emotionally supportive then he's only bringing me down. He thinks I should pretend he's not there, when I think he just shouldn't be. I'm fed up, and there's but so much a girl can take. I've done nothing but supportive and patient with him and he cannot afford me the same. I never make decisions like that on an emotional bend so I'm giving myself the day, maybe even the weekend, to mull it over. I'm not sure if I'm in the right state of mind, considering all this stress, but it's probably the closest I'll get to right at this point. I'd like to go home and sulk about this on my couch but I cannot.

I'm broke and it's only getting worse and I don't know what to do and I'd like to stop being stressed and I just want to curl up in a ball or run away to Australia or finish this sentence but I cannot because my  emotions are bubbling up inside me and I swear I'm going to explode at one point or anther and the holidays are coming up and you know how I get around that time and I just wanted this year to be better and easier, which makes me rethink kicking L out because that would put a rift in the holidays, maybe for new years, ok, I really need a period.

My lunch hour is coming up soon, but I don't feel like eating. I'm thanking the Goddess in my head that the phones are quiet today and that no one is really coming to the window today. What a blessing. I think I could be on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm shaking and I can't really concentrate. Which is why I'm writing this. I'm sure no actual work is going to get done today. This sucks. This really sucks.

Well, I at least need to finish making those calls ....

I also realized - mid rant- that I've gotten fed up with a lot of things in my life. I've slowly stopped talking to my best friend because I just don't want to. Which upsets me, because I wish I could talk to someone but I don't like whining, I like solutions and at this point no one has been able to offer me that so I just stopped asking.

My irritability and emotionalism has lead me to believe that something is wrong with me, but maybe it's just the stress or the bipolar disorder or even the lack of menstruation that I've been experiencing for months because of this damn IUD.

Wow, this is a really long post.

I hate going on a rant about all the bad and stressful things in my life but it seems as though that's all I have. I think that sucks more than anything. I want more than this.

The End

Death will not come first as the end. It will come as AN end. It will not come into your life first during your last breath, but in betwixt a heartbeat, and will leave you breathless. It will swiftly take away any light that once existed and not replace it with darkness, but with gray. Sounds will be muted and you be just a spectator to glory that will once never fully be yours. Time states that it has the ability to heal all wounds but this one will be fatal. The YOU that passes will never be resurrected, possibly replaced, but never reborn.

This is an unspoken death. An unrealized death. There is no surgeon general warning. There is no cure, no walks, no PSA.

Asking for too much

I thought I started a post about this, but I can't seem to locate it. Maybe it was just an inner dialogue that I wished I had posted. Either way, I have t do this again.

Is it possible that I am asking for way too much from life? Like good shit isn't supposed to kick in until I'm 30 and I'm over here rushing it. Maybe, just maybe,my life is exactly what it's supposed to be and I should just go with the flow... 

A new chapter

Hi again,

So after some very tough times with L. We're still living together and might even be taking a vacation in a few months.. but that's besides the point. The point is that I am still in a place that I don't want to be in. I am not happy in my relationship, but I am not one to kick someone I care about in the dirt (no matter how much he's hurt me..well.. no  matter how much he's annoyed me severely and made my life a living hellooo). I am hoping that maybe if I focus on myself I can just leave on my own.

I would never never never displace my daughter; so I would only leave if I perhaps got into low income housing or I was buying a house (or renting a house for a reasonable price) either way, I'm not budging (no matter how uncomfortable I feel unless those aforementioned cases were in play.

I have that talk with L every so often because I like to gauge where his mind is at, but he still keeps shifting and flipping, I can't keep up with him honestly. The truth is that I know  what I want. But it seems like he has no idea. Recently our sex life has proven more to how he feels because it hasn't been the same in months. It's like there's this disconnect and maybe I've echoed this previously, but it's more prevalent now. It almost feels like we're having sex just because. As if I could be anyone really and as long as he come out with a happy ending all is well. It feels like I'm the only one suffering from this. Perhaps it's because I'm such an emotional person and sex for me is rooted deeply in emotion. If that's not there than I'm just not into it.

This hurts the more I think about it, but it's something that can't be prevented. I've tried everything to make this relationship work, but I honestly know this is temporary. I just wish that he could come to his senses and admit how he truly feels. I hope he doesn't think he's sparing me any pain because in all actuality, I've never felt pain like this before.
My wounds can't close, I can't heal, I can't move on...I'm just stuck in purgatory.

Exclustion pt 2

So boredom at work led me to scrolling through a blog about Steno Notepads; because I use them at work, but had no idea what their original purpose was.. this all started because I saw on the cover of the notepad that it had a limited warranty. And I thought 'why the hell would a notebook have a warranty? what could possibly go wrong with it.' Although when I did my research I found out what it's purpose was, I still don't know why it would need a warranty. But I digress. I happened onto a blog that was hosted by blogspot and that made me think about my blog and as I was reading and being thoroughly entertained I saw that I was suppposed to follow up on my "Exclusion" post.

So for the update:

I've deleted my social media websites from my phone and I haven't been on them from my laptop at all really. The only exception was when a good friend of mine from Mexico City (let's call her M) contacted L because she was worried about me. I was honestly shocked because I didn't think anyone actually cared.
No one else came looking for me. I was happy that she had, oddly enough she was the only one I thought about during my hiatus. Surprisingly she was also trying to contact me because she's coming to visit in July. I'm SO HYPED!! It's going to be great to have a friend out here, even if it's just for a while.

All in all I feel like the social media experiment was a success. It's given me time and brain space to focus on myself and wallow in my own despair without having everyone elses "good time" acting as acid on my wounds. It's also allowed me to appreciate my little successes because I wouldn't have been able to identify them otherwise. Will I ever go back to social media?

Maybe when I graduate from college.. or get married.. or have another child... or maybe once I've done all three. Or maybe never. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Seriously. At first I liked being able to keep up on what my friends were up to but at this point it feels worthless. I don't know how to explain how I feel about it exactly because it's so complicated. But I feel as though I'd be fine without it and I think that's a good thing. However, what I should do is update my profile with my correct phone number and email address and home address for that matter in case anyone wants to reach out to me.

But I have a feeling like everything else will align itself and I'll move into the space in my life where I feel comfortable and I've made friends that I can hang out with and do fun things with. All good things...

Changing Tides

I was going to watch a movie and then I thought to myself...why don't I write a post. It's quiet enough and my mind is open to letting some things off my chest.

First and foremost after almost a month, I got a new job.. and it's great. I'll be doing something that i like (admin within a nonprofit - meaning I'll be helping people, but not devoting my entire life to taking care of them). Anyway, It's a great job, and it pays well. Really well - so I'm happy. However I've entered into a gateway of not having a job for a month and just starting a job that leads to my life falling apart. I don't have any funds.

Don't know why I didn't save.. well I do know why, we needed things. And food is EXPENSIVE - omg!! I don't know how I'm going to survive buying food out here.. JESUS!!

But that's besides the point because it's too late to cry over spilled milk.. It's done and gone in the past and at this point i'm just staring at a dank immediate future. I don't know what to do. I honestly wish I could snap my fingers and money would appear (even if I had to pay it back) but that's not how life works and sadly pay day loans are illegal and controlled by scam artists and loan sharks. And people wonder why the economy was shit.

I honestly wasn't expecting to be out of work for this long I figured a week at maximum because I was originally going from one job into another. Literally, but then this job came up and I couldn't let it pass. I've never had an opportunity like this before - I've never had a salary like this before (its not a salaried job, it's hourly. And even though I've made that hourly amount before I didn't have the hours to accumulate a salary like I'll have now.)
The issue is even though I was "hired" a week ago. The position is contracted through a temp agency and it took them just up until yesterday to contact me to start the background check and paperwork. So it's taken me this long because of that. If I had any inkling that this would've happened I wouldn't have left my job. Honestly, this sucks more than anything I could think of.

I don't know how to move forward this next month.. my birthday month again.. no money and super stressed. The way this agency does their pay periods is super inconvenient. By the time I get my first paycheck it will be practically worthless, because of how long I will have gone without money. And my problem is ideally at this point I'd need about $1500 to get back on track... That's ridiculous. And so frustrating. That's why people do illegal things. Because there's no legal way at this point to get my life together. Aside from winning the lottery. And I'm so scared of that thought.

I'm scared of this desperation. It could fuck up my life. More than it already is fucked up. It's making me depressed and it's driving me crazy. I know later on in life I'll look back at this moment and say whew, glad that passed, but at this point I can't see how i'm gonna get past this (without having amazing luck). I have to think outside the box.

I want to ask for help but I don't know who to ask. And I'm having a hard time trusting that anyone would actually be willing to help. seriously. My only option would be a stranger.... Should I try crowdfunding - that's legal?? But who (honestly) would I be appealing too? I need to raise $1500 for what exactly?? to pay my bills?? I don't see how anyone would be moved by that reason (except me). If I had it and I encountered someone who needed it I would definitely help.  But maybe that's only because I'm in this situation right. Most people feel as if they got their success on their own. Not even realizing how many people paved that path for them. I don't have that luxury. I'm doing this struggle on my own. But boy.. do I wish I had a path.

Exclusion

So first and foremost I have to apologize for those who wished this blog had more photos.. Maybe one day I'll get to that point. I'd also like to post my video diaries on here at some point in time, but for now, sorry not sorry.

So.. I know I've written about this topic before but it's crossed my mind and it seems a little bit even more prevalent again. So I guess rather than allude to it I'll just put it out there. I'm fucking lonely. I'm such an outsider.

Frankly put I find it hard to find a place to fit in. And with that, I find that I am excluded from most things.

I don't know what it is... am I too Intense? Intimidating? Forgettable? Not funny enough? Not flexible enough? Too poor? Too depressed? Too weird?

I honestly don't fucking get it.. I feel like no matter what I'm invisible. Seriously.

Take this blog for example, I've tried almost everything to get it a little attention on here, even though it's very personal and I'm not really that interested in people I know reading it - I'd like for people I don't know to.. but nada. Of course the internet is a big place so maybe this is a bad example.

So I'll try using any activity or group I try to associate with. I never fit in, and for the most part people forget about me and then lie about forgetting. It's kinda sad.

I can't even make new friends.

I'm even invisible in my relationship, I find myself feeling lonely because there is no more soul connection. Not sure what happened.

Even the other day I was speaking to my best friend and I didn't feel a soul connection. It was heartbreaking (even though I know it was all my imagination.. I hope)

I find that I feel like a damn outcast. Is it because I complain too much?

Is it because I have too many reasons too complain. Can't put my finger on it....

I'm thinking about deleting my social media sites anyway. I don't any type of enjoyment from them to be honest, and there's no socializing done on there. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that right now.
Oddly enough my phone restarted.... weird... but I feel  little better now, albeit more isolated.

I think I'd like to cut a lot of people out of my life. Mostly because they're a waste of space. Not that everyone in your life should be doing something for you - but they should be serving a purpose to enrich your life through friendship or companionship.
(p.s. I've signed up on a pen pal website.. am I pathetic or what???)

I just can't shake this hole in my heart. It's sad. For some reason I feel like further isolation might make me feel better. Maybe I'll be able to at least rid myself of negative energy that comes with having people in your life that just don't give a fuck... Honestly I don't really know.. guess I'll have to follow back up on this in a month.