Maybe this is and isn't the end

It's been a rough month, week, day... 

There's been betrayal, anger, deaths, anything you can imagine it's here. I've experienced It and I'm fed up. I'm so tired I can't even begin to start a conversation on everything. Let's just focus on the major things:

L-

I think almost 80% of this damn blog is about his ass. Seriously. It's a damn shame that a man can take over so much of me. Never thought it could happen. Anyway long story short were back at odds again. It seems like no matter what I do, it's never enough for him. He's always angry at me in one way or another. I understand his predicament is tough and his male ego is really hurting but he needs to pull it together and start thinking outside of the box. He's so caught up in the "principle" of things that he can't even see opportunities in front of him. He won't get far waiting for the Goddess hersef to take him out of his drowning waters. But there's nothing that say or do that can convince him of that. He's just seems to blame everything else under the sun. He talks big about taking responsibility for his issue, but can't seem to compromise enough to fix it. What kind of shit is that???!!! Anyway, I'm so over it all. I don't even care anymore. He can do what he wants. I need to get my daughter into some type of childcare for the summer and handle my own business because I don't got time or energy to babysit him. 

Work-

I'm over it. Whatever happens, happens. 

Finances-

Over it. 

Car-

Whatever

I need to get my license tho. My test is coming up, but I don't even have my 5 hour!! 

Olivia-

I really need to find her child care. In other news found out she has profound hearing loss in her left ear. Sigh. I. Can't. I just can't. I feel like I'm failing. 

Family-

Done. Over it. No further comments. 

School-

Finally good news! I received the recommendation of a lifetime and found out about The New School here in NYC. Went to an info session today and it's everything I ever imagined. I'm going to start my application when I get home. I can create my own major, there's flexible classes both on campus and online, evening and daytime, full time and part time. I'll be able to work one on one with a counselor the whole time. I can get credits for my life experience. Omg I can't even begin to speak about how happy finding this program makes me. I'm over the moon. In a sea of shit that's my life this is my redemption. THIS. This school will be the new start I so desperately need. I can't wait. The advisor wants me to apply for the Fall!! Let's see what happens. Shit it can't get worse then this. 

It's Ouija

I wonder if it's just me or does anyone else feel like their dying so they go to the doctor and it's as if the problem goes away, it's not even relevant and the doctor makes you feel a little awkward about even brining it up... Causing you to feel as if you need to have your guts laying on the ground before even attempting to bring up any issues ever again. Essentially everything in your life feels de-validated, as if you're living a lie.???

Well that's me.

That's fucking me. 

I'm supposed to be following up with so many things (medically) but I feel like I'm insane now so I'll just let them slip away. 

And then I thought I had a legitimate issue at work, and I did.. I do.. But it's been de-validated so I feel like a shit head. I wanna go hide in a rock. Not that I don't have any reason to be concerned (with that whole debacle I just feel more concerned) but the air around it just let me know I made a mistake talking abut it. It's like in a horror story talking about the ghost dimension or then"other side" makes the ghost, demon, ect. aware of your presence. 

Oh well..???? I guess. I just have to pretend I didn't just metaphysically die today. I have to stop fighting the system. Because it's fucked up in so many ways. 

And now I can't go back. I can't go back to not being sick, or not being broke, or stressed, or worried. I can't go back to not being the black sheep at work.. (Not literally though, half of us are black) but I feel like someone's watching me.. Trying to get me to fuxk up and then proceed to destroy me (I know who it is, and yes she's white) 

I can't go back to being happy. It's almost gone. 

I'm heading towards breakdown valley and I can't stand that. I've got too many pent up emotions and I don't think I'll make it much farther.  I worked so hard to get better. So hard to compromise. So hard to be the perfect thing. Well not perfect, but ideal. Without losing who I am. But now I'm just metaphysically dead. That's it. 

Backtrack

So because the Blogger app is absolute shit I was writing quick post (that I inevitably never got to finish) in my Notes app on my iPhone. So I thought I'd just share those real quick:

May 19th -

It's been a rough few days with a lot of ups and downs. I meant to post during an up moment, but I've been particularly hesitant because of a down. So let me just explain. 

I recently got.  Engaged. 

Yup it happened. 

But before you get all hyped it wasn't out of desperation or whatever. It was because he knew he was going to lose me. 

I originally wasn't going go write it like that, but it's the truth. Otherwise he would've proposed a log time ago. Not to mention a ring fell out the sky.. Meaning I bought it. Actually there's a really interesting story behind the ring.....

I came across this company called Fragrance Jewelry or something like that which sells candles and bath bombs with jewelry hidden in them. I got a coupon and won a little offer which convinced me to give it a try. I thought it must be costume jewelry but it wasn't I got some pretty gorgeous rings out of it. (I got 1 candle, 1 bath bomb and a free gift) payed almost nothing but I had a chance to win a 10,000 ring and I was like YOLO. However I didn't know the events that enfolded after, would and by the time I got the rings I had forgotten about them. And I was still freshly healing from the debacle. But L and i was on great terms, so when he saw it and said, "this would be a great engagement ring right babe?" I thought to myself "well isn't this convenient...." But then he grabbed my had and said, "Khadija Monet Charles will you marry me?" And flashed his ever loving smile, I couldn't help but say yes. And feel happy about it. He's through the roof and so is our families (my moms already started planning.) and even though we don't want to have the wedding until 2018 we can't help but secretly plan ourselves. Because I think it's what we both wanted a long time ago. 

However, there's still so many things wrong going on. Let me break it down. 

1. I can't tell my best friend. Because I feel like she'll be upset, or jealous or skeptical or negative about it. Or whatever, but I've been few if some friction with us recently so I can't really between us 

END

May 25th- 

Well that was fast. 

I hadn't even gotten a chance to post some really interesting news when it was already absolved.

L and I were engaged. (Long story that i don't think I want to talk about anymore) 

All was well, we even started trying to have another child again. 

And then..... BOOM. 

Looks like we're breaking up.

Looks like he can't handle me anymore. 

Looks like he's not a man. 

Looks like I'm just... I'm... I don't know. I can't find a way to not blame him for this. After everything. 

There's no way I can not blame him for this. 

He finally gave up on me. And I shouldn't be surprised, our entire relationship has been a lie. And he's constantly been showing me signs. So whatever. 

I can't even focus on my emotions because I have to think about the practicalities of him leaving. I've spent $$$ on him that I can't get back now. Was dependent on him working and picking up that slack. But now that he'll be out of the picture I've got to pick up the pieces by myself. Hmmmm.

END 

Let's catch up:

I've been gone for some time and I never got to settle some of my mess.

1. I did end up breaking up with L. Only briefly, and it wasn't even after that event. 
2. We got engaged, then broke up, then got back together. 
3. A part of me can't stand him, but I can't be without him. I think that's love.
4. oh.. yeah.. We got engaged. it's actually pretty good. 
5. He's still not working, and it's stills stressing me out. 
6. I'm over here trying to move into 2017 without financial woes, and he's still trying to move up from 2015. 
7. But I still love him. 
8. Oh yea, and I'm still trying to have another baby. 
9. I didn't do anything for my birthday. Happy Belated Birthday to me! (also Mothers Day, because I think I missed that, and Fathers Day... it was jacked up... )
10. I'm not really sure what I'm doing now. 

Now that we're all caught up. I'd just like to put it out there that I'm slowly losing my mind. 

AGAIN!! I don't know how much more of this I can take. Something needs to give. Like yesterday. It needs to give, give, give, GIVE. 

I'm pretty sure that I'm going insane. I'm ripping apart at the seams, and it's affecting my mood like no one's business. I'm trying to be the good guy (girl) here and not push my stress on anyone else. but I just want to yell. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. 

L keeps asking me why I have an attitude, and I just want to yell at him: BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY BY MYSELF!!!

My best friend keeps sending me videos about becoming vegan because I make the mistake of complaining about being sick and fat, and I just want to yell at her: I FUCKING LIKE MEAT, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!! I'M TOO FUCKING STRESSED TO CARE!!

Because that's the honesty of the situation. 

I can't sleep right, I can't think straight, I can't eat right, my emotions are in a tizzy, my brain is fizzy.. (ok, I just couldn't help myself with that)

It's happening again, the depression is kicking in. I can't seem to get my damn shit together. I just need a little bumb. A little... something.. maybe.. a little help. 

Love is Lie

As you must already know. This whole cheating debacle has only escalated.

Wait. Let me break down the series of unfortunate events.

I attempted to not acknowledge L and give myself space to "heal". He wanted to make it up to me, so after much thought, I figured we could "start over".
This included a series of weird text messages that were reminiscent of when we first met, and it was if we didn't know each other. It was actually kind of cute, albeit dorky.

It worked for me because when we headed home I was able to have sex with him without wanting to jump out the window afterward (we even did it twice). We also watched our favorite anime and even cleaned the house together. It was a start. Here's where we made the mistake (that was probably long awaited). We had drinks. Enough to get drunk later on in the night. We had some intimate and soulful conversations. We even talked about the illustrious act of his. We talked about the past and the present and each other, and we then... we talked about what we wanted...

See, L is insistent that he is a man, and that his dick does the thinking sometimes. And essentially he wants to be able to explore that and just that. Meaning he wants to be able to have sex with other women. Tell me about it of course, but essentially keep me his number 1. >.>
I thought about that.. I really thought about it.
But what if I wanted to go outside of the relationship? I like sex too..(I'm not that interested in men anymore so this would mean I'd really be illustrious with other women). Well he said it would be ok. What about other men? He thought he couldn't argue that he would be mad at that if I was ok with his outgoings. >.>
I thought about that.. I really thought about it.
But...
....

I couldn't agree with it. Sex to me is spiritual. And includes the sharing of important energy. If I'm having meaningless sex then I can't be in a relationship and also have meaningful sex. That's just how I'm set up. I've tried that before and it was disastrous for me and my psyche.
He conceded that he felt like I was closing him in, because he follows his dick and not the other way around (he didn't say that but I added it in in my head...).
I thought about that... I really thought about it. 
Then I thought about it some more and decided to table my feelings on that, because it made me feel like ABSOLUTE. SHIT.

Eventually we decided to go to sleep because it was late, and I invited him back into the bed. Because I wanted to confirm my feelings and quite frankly his feelings. We didn't plan on having sex, but I wanted to see if the intimacy was still there. Mind you I was drunk and depressed as fuck by that point in time, so he brought me to the bed and then brought me extra blankets. When I woke up at 4:45 this morning, he wasn't there next to me. He had stayed on the couch.

That, to me, spoke VOLUMES. But I couldn't understand the message. So I went and woke him up and asked him. He looks at me and pulls me towards him to lay down on the 1/3 of the couch that was left. Seemingly like he was just trying to appease me. I stayed there for about . 2 seconds then went back to the bed to sulk and sleep. But I couldn't my mind had already opened the door for anxiety to creep it's way in. and I NEEDED fucking answers. So I went to wake him up again. This time when he tried the same tactic I pulled away. Then he said this jewel: "I didn't want you to feel hurt". >.>
I thought about that. I really thought about it.
and it hurt more than anything could. Because that means he believed the intimacy would create expectations in my mind that he could not fulfill. (maybe, this is my interpretation, but most importantly this how the message felt when it ripped a black hole in my chest).

It was then that I realized that he really did feel trapped by the idea that he couldn't be himself in the relationship or rather he had to be exclusive in the relationship. He doesn't come from a family of "relationships" so the idea was new and uncomfortable to him. So he probably rejected it in the back of his mind. I never realized he felt like this, but it would explain a lot. I actually completely understand and although I was initially angry (I seriously have gone through ALL stages of grief with this one..) I'm not incapable of putting myself in his shoes.

What I am incapable of doing is being the "main" amongst a bunch of others.
And I can't hold him back from finding what works for him. [fucking Coldplay - Fix You is playing right now and I'm losing my shit]

So I think I'm going to break up. At this point in time I've asked him to leave. I'll post the letter after this one (I think I've figured out how to do that properly). And I'll have to take things one day at a time. So much for my happy, so much for my love. I guess I'm just not enough for anyone.

And actual goodbye letter

Dear L,

I left for work early, needed to lick my wounds. I think you should pack your things and leave. {i know i wasted no fucking time} I don't want to cage and/or trap you. And I can't handle another infidelity (even with prior knowledge). I try to. I tried to be someone who I am not for you. I was going to try and compromise EVERYTHING, sacrificing sanity int he process. For you. Because I love you. And I always will  {this is true}, but that's not enough. But I understand. I can't blame you. And I appreciate your honesty. Let's not pretend any longer, because inevitably you'll continue to hurt me, whilst trying not to hurt me. I am damaged enough.
Take the car. I've got public transport. You can either spend more time with Olivia or bring her back this weekend. Keep the key, you're always welcome. Take the suitcases or whatever if you'd prefer to stay... I'll leave. If you want to talk we can, but not until later my heart needs emergency repairs.

Take care of yourself.

Here's the magic

Dear L,

You'll probably never see this. And I kinda hope you don't. Because I don't want you to feel pressured. I don't know why I feel the way I do, why I feel so sure. Or maybe it's that I don't feel sure. I don't feel sure that you feel the same way I do, have the same commitment as I do. But can't really vouch for how you really feel.  

I have to be honest though because I've been lying to you for some time now....

I don't want to be your girlfriend...

I want to be your wife. 

And not in the sense that I've been performing under this entire time. I want to move into the next part of our relationship. Maybe I just want to be reassured that you do love me for me and not for my convenience. 

I've realized over time that no matter what has Happened with us or between us I still love the fuck out of you. If we part today, I'll still love the fuck out of you.    If I pass or heaven forbid you pass, I'll still love the fuck out of you. You are my best friend man. Shit, you've worked your way so far into my blood.... 

Don't get me wrong I understand how non important being recognized by the government is, but that's now why I want to get married. (Trust me I'm terrified of fucking it up..) the reason why is because I want to feel reciprocated in these feelings.. 

Well that's a little bit of a lie.

 I want the world to know our love is reciprocal. I want to feel special. I want to feel like against all odds you'd choose me. 

Eh, I'm sappy I know. I can't help it, I've never experienced "love" in my family. I don't think many people in my family love their significant others. Maybe they used to, but it sure doesn't look like it anymore. I guess I kinda want to prove that ideal wrong. That love does exist and I've got it. I'm not a failure and what my heart feels is true. 

But

I don't want you to marry me for other people and I don't want you to marry me because I said so, or because you feel sorry for me. 

No

I want you to be sure, and honest with yourself. And I want you to work hard for it. To put it, no, US above it all. And to put all your effort and energy into manifesting the beauty that's within our possibility. 

But

That's for you to decide. 

I just want you to know, I love you. You've seriously brought out the best in me. I learned how to accept and experience things I never thought I would with you. And whatever you decide I'll be happy with, I just hope that you'll make decisions that'll make me happy. 

Sincerely,