Story time part two

I was in the mood yesterday to reflect on where I am so far... Actually where I have been. Alas, this is the result:

I believe that I was somewhere around the age of 18 when I started to think about the"future". 

A particular event always comes to mind. 

I was mad at my family, for some reason or another. They always found reasons to have me mad at them. It's not their fault, it's just the blood. However I decided to leave, walk out the house. 

This has not been the first time I had done this. 

I have a tendency to run away. 

Don't get me wrong, I was coming back. I didn't pack bags or anything. I just went for a walk. A long walk. I needed to think. 

No one ever understood the therapy in this.  They were just always mad that I never said anything. Why should I? That wasn't the point . The point was to give myself a total break. 

But I digress, I walked and walked and walked that day. Far and went to the closest park to get on the swings. In the grand scheme of things, I wasn't very far. We lived in Wesley Chapel FL at the time so nothing was really walking distance but I was a 2 min drive away. I don't remember what I thought about that day. I'm sure I wrote about it in one of my diaries. But I don't think it was important, what was important was I contemplated my reasons for being here. Still. After many attempts to leave, to free myself I was still binded to my life. 

As an older person (see I don't see myself as an adult yet, but that's for another post) I know I have ties here.. Olivia. 

Some may say, "but what about your family?" Well I love my family and they love me, but honestly they could do without. If I had never existed there would be no foul no harm. But if I didn't exist then neither would Olivia. 

No foul no harm still you think? 

Well believe it or not she's more important than you know. Than I know . 

As well if I disappeared. My family would grieve exponentially but eventually heal. Olivia would always have questions. That I couldn't answer. 

At this point I am living day by day. Because it's hard to focus on a future that looks bleak. Or just plain old blank. I can't even hope for anything because dissapointment has tainted me. 

Eh, I think that day was the last time I actually looked for the future. At this point Im just wait for it to greet me. 

Story time

I don't know why I only write when I'm down or feeling out of it. 

Actually most of the time I try to refrain from writing post when I'm ass out but this time it was that I had the thought to post an intriguing muse. A story. It wasn't negative even though the experience  was both good and bad but... Alas in the end I was going to end it with a positive and happy note. Now, not so much. 

Nothing has changed actually I just stopped lying to myself. 

I do not wish to relive the story presently the purpose of this post is no longer about that. 

Actually I'm not sure what it's about anymore. 

I guess I'm just hurt, like always. 

I can't stop hurting. Thinking about my future and hating it. Hating how fake the hurt will make me become. How tired I will be of pretending to be ok. 

I hate the back and forth. 

I miss the silent beauty of not having to worry about my heart. I was always alone. Relationships suck so after I got out of my last one I was determined to shy away from that shit. Didn't end up like that, someone else had something else in mind. Now I'm just writing stories. Feeling hurt. 

Well... IOU

I said I was gonna write every day didn't i?? Well then as you can see from the last time I posted.. I totally lied. 

I am currently at the hospital with Olivia. She has a really bad rash on her buns. It's been about 2 weeks now, so I just decided that it's probably more than over the counter can handle. And so here I am. Olivia and I...

L was here with us, but then his phone got low on battery and so he finagled a way out of staying. 

He asked me if I would be angry if he left and I told him the truth. I wouldn't. And that's because I'm not. 

In fact, I should've expected it. He's not really cut out for this. 

I didn't want to force him to stay. I wanted him to make the adult decision to stay and he was incapable of doing that. 

P.S I never finished writing this. So I'm just gonna leave that thought there. 

On a side note L did return later that night. 

I don't normally add photos's but there was something that was just so true.. so honest about this one

It's a crazy mess, whirlwind of a ride... but it's my life and I'm happy to be living it.

Invisible

There's a certain invisibility that I feel. In almost every aspect of my life. It feels as though as long as I harbor these thoughts (or insecurities rather).. Of all the things I'm missing in my life.. Of all the things I wish I had.. Or want.. Or need. I'll be invisible to the life I have. 

I'm always thinking to myself. I wish I had her hair or her nails. I wish I had those shoes or was that skinny. I wish I lived in that apartment or had a boyfriend/girlfriend like that. These thoughts always rejuvenate sorrow within me. Because I have many things that no one else has. Why can't I just be happy with that? 

Because no one likes a work in progress. 

Everyone truly enjoys the final product. No one would pay to see a half finished movie, or stay content in a half renovated house. And although people claim they like the work needed to reach a final product... That's a lie.

 That shits stressful. 

But I can say it's worth it. The gratification is amazing. That swell of pride. Because all amazing things come with work and time. And when that time has come to a conclusion we unveil our hard work. 

Having realized this, I like to think of my invisibility as a necessary evil. It's like my cloak, my scaffold, my cocoon. Protecting me from the harsh environment. And now I just have to put in the work and time. And when that time has come to a conclusion unveil my butterfly wings. 

It's time

If you haven't noticed yet... And actually to be quite frank since I'm assuming almost no one reads this blog I can safely say that no one has noticed, but I digress ...

If you, said invisible person, haven't noticed yet, I have revealed my real name in one of my posts. Again I'm pretty sure it doesn't make a difference but whatever, my hopes is that one day it will. Having said that, I have decided it's time to actually do something with all this pent up creative energy. I am about to embark on one of the most difficult journeys of my time. 

I am going to start on my next film. Another bio. 

Here is the plot:

It's a film about making a film about a blog about my life. 

INCEPTION!!

Ok let's break that down if it's confusing. The movie is about my experience making a movie about my life essentially. But the byline of the movie is my blog. So  it's basically based off my blog. 

I realized that my blog is about half of my soul. There's some very serious thoughts, feelings, and emotions in here and I need to release them. I need to essentially come out of hiding. 

So here I am. Writing. I plan to write at least once every day until start of production than I'll bring it to at lest once a week until end of film. Then I'll go back to my once a month peek a boo. 

Well then! Let's begin.....

It feels like you're dying

That's what a broken heart feels like, a broken soul, and an open mind.

Sometimes I find myself standing still just pondering on how hurt I feel. How CONFUSED I feel.
Like what the fuck is love?
How is it even possible for me to say that I am in love, or love someone when there's so much pain attached to it. Shouldn't that be physically impossible?
Well if it's not it should be.

I don't get this.... thing..... I'm in.

One minute it feels so much like love, it feels so much like happiness and contentment that I can almost dupe myself that it's real.

But by the next moment the illusion falls before my eyes and I am left to bear witness to the destruction that remains.

Sometimes I like to pretend I am enjoying the ignorance. I pretend that I am totally unaware. I like to purposefully forget. But like a wound unattended that always comes back to haunt me.

I've tried to stop looking for the messages. But it's addictive. It's like when you open the gate to the other world, you can't close it. Not only will you notice the spirits, but the spirits will now notice you.
I don't do it all the time, just when I want to snap myself back into reality. Just when I've caught myself making plans for the future. When I catch myself using that stinking L word.

And that's when I find myself standing still...
pondering how hurt i feel. How CONFUSED I feel.
Like whtat the fuck is love?