Oh yeah!! Ummm, good news!!

Believe it or not I actually came on here to write some depressing shit (because every time I think I'm alright some depressing shit comes and fucks me up..) but alas, I realized that even before I can get to the depressing shit, I have to announce the monumental news!!

WE'VE MOVED OUT OF THE SHELTER!!!

For the first time in foreverrrrrr.... I'm not fucking homeless!!!

And it's my own. My fucking OWN. I'm so excited I can't even.

But it doesn't really feel real yet.

Still working out this employment thing so hopefully by next week I'll have even better news.. but for now all I can think about is the damn depressing shit. Why is that so?


EDIT ADDED 8.4.15

GOOD NEWS!!! We've moved!! I'm FINALLY a out of the fucking shelter. This feels great. This feels awesome. And I didn't cry!! That must mean I'm an adult. I'm just saying. Olivia has her own room now and L and I's relationship has gotten a lot better. Just like I thought, now is truly when our relationship starts because we get to test it out like normally people- not like homeless vagabonds.

The stress is still high because now it's about figuring out employment. L is not working right now and I might be switching jobs. It's a lot and even though we made it... We haven't made it.


As I write. I think about the obstacles that I have overcome. I am proud of myself but I still have a lot more to go. I am not comfortable yet. I feel anxious. Because I know I am almost there. I've almost reached the point where I can breathe. Drink a cup of tea. Let my creative juices fly and make my way into my own skin. But right now I'm just at step one. It's crazy because now that I'm here (I honestly thought I'd never make it) it feels like I need to rush into the next thing. I want so bad to be able to feel relief knowing that I don't have to stress ( all that much) about money.. Right now everything is up in the air and its nerve wracking. Like what the fuck is gonna happen now?!!?? Will I by any chance get to step 2??? Will it take me another 5..10..15..20 years??!! Like hell!!! Life is too short to waste time by wasting away my talent, skills, innovation, energy etc.

I had a talk with my current boss and for a while there I doubted myself. I doubted I'd get where and what I want. Then after that day of doubt I said " Fuck that shit, I'm fucking awesome."
And that was that. I decided to not let his poison put me to sleep. I chewed that apple then I spit it out. Poison taste gross, and life's too short for gross things. I'd like to digest something yummy, so I updated my resume and I'm sending it out today- no matter what. I'm handling my business and I'm going to continue to do so until I've reached step 2. I'm going to ask for help, from everyone.. Because that's how I got to step 1. I never gave up and I got help wherever I could. So fuck it. Let's do this...

Disappointment

I believe I wrote another post on this topic. However, j found it to be relevant again, so I thought I'd bring it up. 

At first I was against writing a depressing post, but then I thought... Wasn't this blog supposed to be a reflection of my actual feelings and thoughts? No holds barred? Of course, so even though there are things (aka Olivia) that excite my life, currently my soul is drowning in depressive thoughts. So I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry for those who would like to see a story of triumph and overcoming. Nothing in my life has been overcame. 

I have just found myself in a slightly less dire situation than before. 

But i digress, disappointment. 

Pretty much I hate everything or everything hates me. I've been trying to ponder what I've been doing wrong, because a lot of time when people complain about their lives they never take any blame. But I want to make sure that it's not me, even though I am my own common factor. I believe its the choices I make. I expectorant from people, from opportunities than those things can ever offer. However that is the only blame I can place on myself. I feel overwhelmed by my need for basic things and the failures in my attempts to achieve them. 

Let's make a list:

My relationship.

I hate it. I hope I'm never in another relationship again. And yes, I do understand that this is a temporary feeling. But I am reveling in it. Because it is consuming me.  It's legit the most disappointing thing in my life. It's making me become someone that I'm pretty sure I'm not. It's breaking my heart and killing me. It's toxic. It's also the entrapment. Well my concern is entrapment. I care too much. About a great many things. Him for one. What would he do if I say leave. He doesn't have many options that are fruitful to him as a man, as a human. But I'm my care for him and his wellbeing I am destroying myself. What to do? 

2.   My job

I hate it. It's a form of stress that has become all too familiar and I can't seem to shake it. I thought when I left my last job that I'd never end up in this situation again, and boy was I wrong. Because BOOM, I'm here practically half dead because I have no more of myself left to give. I had hoped that I could just push through, hit everyday is a damn fight. Almost everything is at this point. And the worst part is it's still not enough pay to be worth the stress. What to do? 

3.   My living situation

I hate it. When will I get the fuck out of the shelter system??!!!! It's the most frustrating thing ever. And it feels like I have no control of how I'm getting out of here. I don't have enough income and my credit sucks, L is just as worthless. What to do?

There might be a 4,5,6... But I can't think of them. Just dwelling on those 3 have given me a major depressive headache. 

I posted earlier about running away... It's a thing for me... I always feel that when shit gets tough get away from it. That's how I feel right now. I wanna pack up Olis' and my things and just fucking go. I don't know where...But I feel like this isn't the place for me. I'm thinking about doing research again. On places I can go, get a leg up. Maybe a program somewhere can help me thrive. Or at least fucking start, like I've been running in circles for years now. It's getting tiresome, I swear. 

It's killing me. There's blood everywhere !! This lifestyle is killing me. 

2015... yah??!!

Ok, so this is my first official post in the new year. I had actually started writing another post while in the train (on my phone), but the blogger app is shit and it didn't save it... so... I'm here not really writing a post.

I just didn't want to leave this month blank, and it's almost over, so I needed to pump out something. Ideally, I'd like to post about once a week (because everyday would be overkill, I'm not that interesting), however I find that because the app is so infuriating and because there's only one computer in the house and I'm not normally bo-guarding it, that it takes forever for me to post... anything.

Having said that I guess I can get into a little update (even though I despise the idea of that right now):

- Hopefully awaiting placement into an apartment (Yah!! I wasn't staying here in the shelter, waiting for a helping hand from the government; I just wanted to get my shit together, but if they're going to lend a helping hand, I might as well take it.)

- Got a new job! As an administrative assistant/personal assistant. It's tough and can be stressful sometimes, but I'm thankful. The pay wasn't what I was hoping for, but it's one step better than what I had before (literally $1 more per hour)

- Been working on looking a lot at myself and my situation and reflecting on what changes need to happen in the near and distant future.

The goal is to look at these update post every month and reflect on my monthly goals. Please see below:

• Get up to date on bills
• Set reachable plan of action and employment goals with L
• Create savings 
• Create workable budget

I think I'll leave this as that. Since we're at the end of January, I'll have this goal list be for the month of February, so towards the end of that month I'll reflect. P.S You might hear nothing about this list until then. I believe that this way I can see my trajectory and growth over the year. 

Well, until next week. 

I'm back... I think

Since I am no longer working, I've had a lot of time on my hands.
*Please trust that I am not happy about this. I HATE not working, but it's a tough market and even though I'm sure I put in at least a minimum of 12 applications per day, I have yet to receive anything promising (this includes interviews)*
I've decided to join a Wiccan group in my area (it's not close, but it's not extremely far either).
I've been working on my mantras of prosperity and trying to reach out to the Goddess Lakshmi and the God Ganesh.
I've been logging in my BOS (book of shadows)
and now I'd like to go back to posting on my blogs.
Ultimately I have to rekindle a relationship with my creativity and innovation. This not working thing has really put a damper on me and my confidence. I don't think I've ever had this much trouble finding a job. But to be honest, I think it's just because my standards weren't really that high. It might even be that I had no standards before. But now that I have a little one to worry about and getting out of the shelter to consider I can't just take anything. However, even with that in mind, I'm at the point where I'd almost take anything. Just to have a little bit of change to buy diapers and pay bills. Even if I hate bouncing around from job to job, "anything" would hold me down until something better came to fruition. What I always find so frustrating is that I apply for these excellent jobs that I get so excited about and....... Exactly that............ waiting..... waiting....... waiting. I know that good jobs take time to get but I don't have time. I've been trying to cut corners by going onto Craigslist, but still the same thing....... waiting...... waiting...... waiting. It's been the same with the (very few) interviews that I've gone on. Which is astonishing because I've never been on an interview and not gotten the job. It started with Taboola and has been the same since. They fucked up my mojo. I like to think that I'm not getting these jobs or these interviews because there's something better, but that sentiment starts to feel less and less likely when these really awesome jobs keep passing me up. I'm trying to be positive and shit, but it's tough. Not much seems to be looking up. But alas, I have faith in Lakshmi and Ganesh and like L says "nothing happens before or after it's time".

I. Fucking. Hate. Everything

Story time part two

I was in the mood yesterday to reflect on where I am so far... Actually where I have been. Alas, this is the result:

I believe that I was somewhere around the age of 18 when I started to think about the"future". 

A particular event always comes to mind. 

I was mad at my family, for some reason or another. They always found reasons to have me mad at them. It's not their fault, it's just the blood. However I decided to leave, walk out the house. 

This has not been the first time I had done this. 

I have a tendency to run away. 

Don't get me wrong, I was coming back. I didn't pack bags or anything. I just went for a walk. A long walk. I needed to think. 

No one ever understood the therapy in this.  They were just always mad that I never said anything. Why should I? That wasn't the point . The point was to give myself a total break. 

But I digress, I walked and walked and walked that day. Far and went to the closest park to get on the swings. In the grand scheme of things, I wasn't very far. We lived in Wesley Chapel FL at the time so nothing was really walking distance but I was a 2 min drive away. I don't remember what I thought about that day. I'm sure I wrote about it in one of my diaries. But I don't think it was important, what was important was I contemplated my reasons for being here. Still. After many attempts to leave, to free myself I was still binded to my life. 

As an older person (see I don't see myself as an adult yet, but that's for another post) I know I have ties here.. Olivia. 

Some may say, "but what about your family?" Well I love my family and they love me, but honestly they could do without. If I had never existed there would be no foul no harm. But if I didn't exist then neither would Olivia. 

No foul no harm still you think? 

Well believe it or not she's more important than you know. Than I know . 

As well if I disappeared. My family would grieve exponentially but eventually heal. Olivia would always have questions. That I couldn't answer. 

At this point I am living day by day. Because it's hard to focus on a future that looks bleak. Or just plain old blank. I can't even hope for anything because dissapointment has tainted me. 

Eh, I think that day was the last time I actually looked for the future. At this point Im just wait for it to greet me. 

Story time

I don't know why I only write when I'm down or feeling out of it. 

Actually most of the time I try to refrain from writing post when I'm ass out but this time it was that I had the thought to post an intriguing muse. A story. It wasn't negative even though the experience  was both good and bad but... Alas in the end I was going to end it with a positive and happy note. Now, not so much. 

Nothing has changed actually I just stopped lying to myself. 

I do not wish to relive the story presently the purpose of this post is no longer about that. 

Actually I'm not sure what it's about anymore. 

I guess I'm just hurt, like always. 

I can't stop hurting. Thinking about my future and hating it. Hating how fake the hurt will make me become. How tired I will be of pretending to be ok. 

I hate the back and forth. 

I miss the silent beauty of not having to worry about my heart. I was always alone. Relationships suck so after I got out of my last one I was determined to shy away from that shit. Didn't end up like that, someone else had something else in mind. Now I'm just writing stories. Feeling hurt.