Vacation!

For the first time in foreverrrrrrrr. I've taken a vacation to visit my family in Grenada. It's a robust 8 day's, which to some sounds like not enough time, but it's more than enough for me. Just considering that work is at it's height and it's Olivia's first time, anything longer than that I'd need to be more prepared for. So maybe next year we can do a little longer.

But the trip so far has been amazing. Olivia is having great time. It's good to see everyone and everyone enjoys meeting Olivia. We went to the beach yesterday and had a excellent time. Only downfall is that Olivia got a really high fever last night (104) and we had to pat her down with ice rags. It was so bad and she was shaking and crying, but thankfully my aunt really put in the work and got her fever down. She's looking much better today.

Overall, I'm looking forward to a really great time. I'll have to come and post some pics when I get back home. I'm also going to do one large post with my day to day break downs.

I wish I had a GoPro. The videos would've been out of this world.

It has been written

Something compelled me to come in and write. Oh heaven knows what. I've lost touch with why I kept talking about myself and my life. I've been asking myself if I can only writing about things in my life than are complicated and when it's too good or too bad, I don't write at all.. 

I wonder. 

Well regardless of that, everything is fine. 

I got a car. 

Woot woot!

And I'm going on a vacation to Grenada.

I also got my passport. 

Woot woot! 

So yeah. 

In other news particularly why I chose to write now, is because I'm at the doctors. I'm getting my IUD taken out. 

Meaning, I'd like to have another child.

I've thought about it, and I feel it's best that I'm younger  (before my life blows up and I'm completely unable to)

I'm trying to go back to school as well, and it would be easier to do it pregnant than with a Newborn. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like it's the right time. 

I did want to get married first. But I might still have to wait until I'm pregnant for that. Damn L. 

I don't want to rush him, but I also don't want him to feel like I don't care enough that he can take his sweet time. 

Either way, I'm gonna take my chances and see what happens. L and I have been well, in terms of our relationship. I can see he loves me, even when he's being a dick. I love him as well, even when he's being a dick. 

He's stated working again, so that could contribute to his upgrade in mood. Who knows, I just know I'm marginally happier. And that's a win. 

I'd like to say I'd try and write more, but that's a bold face lie. We shall see.....

Good things can actually be good

This post was originally for February.

I haven't written in a while. Not because shit has hit the fan, or because they're terribly great. In some ways things still suck. But not everything. And im thankful for that. For the most part it's all goodie. 

Oh Happy New Year. I know it's almost Feb. so I'm so fucking late. 

I've been crazy and secluded because of work. It's been taking SO MUCH ENERGY. But I still love the shit out of my job tho. So yes to that shit. I'm gap for that reason. 

Overall aside from that. I'm not half bad. Things are in a limbo. I'm really waiting for L to start working so that I can breathe. But things have been going well in that aspect I guess. I don't know. 

Tried, and tired

I've finally come up for air!!

I've been so swamped with work and the holidays and what not. It's been real. Really real. Oh speaking of which, Happy Holidays (which ever you celebrate)! Merry Christmas and Happy Yule for me. Happy New Year! 

So let's do a quick recap. 

Christmas was great (as good as it could be.. ) my family came over (mom, brother, sister in law, cousin). It was quite wonderful. I cooked a succulent dinner. (With help from my mom) and Olivia had a grand time opening gifts (she made a huge mess). But all in all it was awesome. 

In other x-mas news, I got 2 kittens!! I'm so in love with them, look!

Our tree!!! It's much better in person. ;)

Yahoo playing with a feather

Yogurt under the tree.. chillin

Their names are Yogurt and Yahoo. And they're actually the real reason I'm here, but I want to make sure I've gotten the updates out of the way......... Ohhhhhh. 

My mother took the liberty of adding extensions (synthetic hair braids) into my 3 year old daughters hair. She didn't ask, she didn't say anything to me or L and I'm livid. The least she could've done was  ask.... Extensions were at the top of my No-no list and she knew that! She did this shit behind my back on purpose and it's so upsetting. A few days ago we were planning a New Years party, but I was really upset with her, she hasn't called me at all. I don't care much. She really broke my trust on a superficial level, she has to really watch what she does in terms of Olivia, because I'm not playing that shit.

So back to Yogurt and Yahoo ( oh I almost forgot Yogurt is the playful girl, Yahoo is the suave boy)... I got them on Christmas Eve. Didn't intend to get two cats, but not many were available. And Olivia and I bonded to them almost immediately. As well, they're brother and sister so I couldn't separate them (I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, I personally believe 2 kittens are better). Everything was swell, I didn't pay a fortune, (although I did bank myself at negative because of their supplies) Olivia and I had a joyous Christmas because of their addition. Now here's the problem...L.

L doesn't like cats. He explained this, but he also said he was traumatized by the loss of a cat at a young age so that's why he never wanted one again. Then eventually it became "I don't like cats". I was like whatever, I thought he was trying not to be soft. So we had agreed to get a cat. Just one though, but I ended up with 2. He was testy. And he complained and he had a tantrum... He threatened to let them get lost... Yada yada, essentially he's heartless. But he was just ranting. I caught him several times playing with the cats and them enjoying his company. However, he still complains and now he wants me to get rid of them. .........

First, I've made a shit ton... A SHIT TON, of sacrifices and compromises for him.. But he can't bend because he "Doesn't. Like. Cats." ???????????????? We'll get back to this shortly..

Second, I've asked him to do nothing for them. I clean their litter and feed them (like I do almost everything in the house) and Olivia plays and cuddles with them. The only reason he interacts with them is because THEY FUCKING LIKE HIM!!! I don't know why though...... 

Third, he's such a sour ass. 

So back to 1. I'm not mad that he doesn't like cats I'm mad that I put up with this shit for this long and he can't compromise for fucking cats. 

I'm mad that I didn't stop him in his tracks when he got me pregnant, I'm mad that I didn't object to his extreme marijuana habit (that has taken more money out this household then I can count, that has taken money from RENT!!). I'm mad I didn't complain about his laziness or joblessness or the fact that he can't stay at one job, or look for a new one. I'm mad that I didn't throw a tantrum when he made me drop off AND pick up Olivia when all he did was stay in the house all day. I'm mad that I didn't pout when I had to cook AND clean after a long days work, while I was sick or while I was exhausted. I'm mad that a "man" who doesn't know the meaning of loving commitment and seeing the future in another person and only wanting to share that with them, would drag me along on a goddamn leash and I would walk along obediently. 

I'm mad that I made it this far.. I'm mad that I'm fucking mad. And I feel so mad that I'm bound to do something petty, or say some real shit and he ain't gonna like it. But aside from being mad, I'm fed up. I'm tired of trying so hard to make a relationship out of this co-dependency. He may think that I don't need him, but he has been vital to my emotional evolution. I really do care for him and I only want the best for him, but I feel as though I'm alone in that sentiment. This has been the case for a long time, I've just honestly been playing games. I keep waiting on him to appreciate me, to stand up for his family and be a man, to start acting like he gives a damn, to be responsible, essentially I'm waiting for something that has almost no chance of happening. I can't change a grown person.. I honestly can't change anyone... for any reason. They have to be willing to make adjustments in themselves and L just isn't about that..

I'm really tired of all this..I've tried so hard. 

Another?

So I've been deathly sick this week, so unfortunate. Ugh. I fucking hate being sick, but that's not what this post is about.

In other news, aside from me being extremely sick and complaining (which I have a tendency to do.) L has prosed that we have another baby.

And for the first time, I can honestly say I don't think I'm ready. Well, more honestly, I can say I know I don't want another child right now. Here are a few reasons why:

1) L's still not working. Although my income, could potentially be enough to support us, I don't know if it'll work to our benefit to but ourselves in that predicament.

2) I kinda want the freedom of not having another child to worry about just yet. I'd like to create a savings and splurge on vacations

3) I don't want to jeopardize my new position..

4) I'm not healthy enough or physically fit enough

5) I wanted to wait until Olivia was at least 5..

6) I'm worried about my relationship with L. I was hoping that if that was a decision we were going to make that we'd at least be married or at least feel a little bit more stable. Sometimes I still worry that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us in the future. Sometimes I absolutely love  being with him and it all feels perfect.

For instance when we had this conversation about having another baby, it was him who brought it up. He even thought it would be a girl. He started on dates. He wants to start next year.. January or February. He even thought of names. He really  likes Love Leiva. I suggested we need a middle name and thought of Alexandria. Like Alexandria Love Leiva or Love Alexandria Leiva (although I like the first one better). He was so dreamy eyed and sure. I felt like everything was ok and this was the right next step for us. But I had to be real. I wasn't ready. And I don't think it's the best step for me or us.

I could go on, but honestly I do want more children - I want them more than I want a lot of things. But I'm sensible at heart, and I know that its just not feasible at this point... but i wish...

Repeat.

Ok, I had started writing a post about my latest good news but like a fool who's never used this app before I forgot to save it as a draft once I got above ground. So I lost the draft. Fuck. 

I don't feel much in the mood to write out the whole thing again so I'm gonna truncate it. 

I got a new job. More like a promotion and this change in position comes with a change in title and a change in salary. 

Actually I just realized. Id now be a salaried employee. FUCK YES!!  And I'll also be making almost 3 times what I make now. And to put that in perspective I make about $21,000 now. Ok, not almost... But almost. Just minus 5k from that triple and you've got me. Plus I'll still be at my same department with my same team, same work location (for the most part, I'll be doing some in field work too). #yaaaasssssssss

I'm really excited and I'm ready for some great things. Like a new bra, my license and a car... ( oh I almost forgot, I also got my permit!!! #somuchyes) and vacations. I'll now have vakay days, paid holidays, sick days, paid time off, the lots. Omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news. Not as exciting or life changing but maybe a little life altering. I've come across this thing called Professional Cuddling and it's almost the best thing since chocolate and although I don't think we have those things out here it's lead me to these apps that help people meet to cuddle. Nothin sexual at all, just human contact. It sounds so enthralling, I'm going to try it, hopefully it's not a negative experience. I haven't had time for a cuddle just yet but I can't wait. I'll post more about this in a separate post by itself. 

5 Stages of Grief

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance


I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing at least the first 2 stages of grief right about now. Or an odd mixture of all of them at the same time.

I'm pretty fed up with everything. I've kinda checked out and I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything, almost at all. It's been a really rocky night and an even rockier day. I'd just like to go  home and crawl into my bed and sleep.

Too bad L is sick and I have Olivia to take care of. I'd much rather not have to worry about anyone.

What really has me more upset than anything is that I feel cheated. I knew this job wasn't cutting it, but it was making ends meet and that's the most important thing. I feel like I have no actual footing and at a moments notice I could be in some deep dark hole trying unsuccessfully to claw my way out.

On top of that I feel cheated by my goddamn coworkers although I know they're human and this isn't their fault, I feel like I don't deserve this compared to them.

Obviously this does not apply to all of them, just one in particular who never shows up for fucking work and yet she still has a goddamn job. Like seriously??!!!!???>>>

I can't seem to get past not really feeling this bullshit piece of shit they've fed me. I'm ready to give up. I can feel it.

Depression is hitting me hard. I've been putting on a brave face, and I've been doing the best I can, but everytime I walk into this office, every time I sit at this desk or answer this bloody phone it feels like betrayal to my emotions. To my actual heartbreak. it's not fair! It's not fucking fair!

I do so well, and I work so hard and I always seem to get the short end of the stick. I hate this, I hate every fucking second of this. But I have no choice but to move on i guess. cause that's what i do. i persevere right? i make fucking magic happen right?

i dont' know where i am. or what i'm doing. or who i am for that damn matter. what the fuck is this?