Food... for thought

The hardest thing about this trip is the food deprivation. Grenada doesn't really have a national food style perse, there's fruits and stuff like that that are native to here, but it's not like Columbia.. even though Colombian food is essentially spanish, each Spanish Isle has it's own "style" of food. Or like China and Chinese food or Italy and Italian food. You get what I mean.
I've just come to realize that I miss "American" food, which isn't really American, I guess, I just miss the diverse selection I'd have. But let's back this train up a bit.
See I'm staying with family, which I'm eternally grateful for (even though they may not think it...) But that also means I'm at the mercy of what they have and/or what they cook. I HATE to be a bother, so I try not to ask for anything specific. I really didn't want them going out of their way to spend extra money trying to make me feel culinarily comfortable. However come to find since their fridge wasn't working they didn't have much of anything. So I've been semi-starving myself. This is only made worse by my bad habit of eating all the shit in sight (because even though I obtain enough sustenance to survive my stomach still feels deprived #privalgeproblems).
Plus I love food and I've just been craving something entirely satisfying. My aunt made a meal the second day we were here and it was bomb.com.
But now all I want is Chinese food.. or dominican food.. or a fucking grilled cheese. Or a fresh bagel. (eh, I could do without the bagel, but some homemade {microwaved, Quaker, cinnamon and sugar} oatmeal would be nice). yummmmmmm food.

A nice cool - medium temp would be nice too.

But more than anything I've come to truly appreciate my home. (im kidding i've always had the utmost appreciate for my 4 corners...)
The social awkwardness of being in someone else's home, especially with a rag-tag 3 year old Leo (God I'm ready to ship her to another island) is almost too much to bear. I'd like to hope that I'd never made anyone feel this way (but maybe I have...eh.. I don't think so..but I also have limited space and very peculiar man living with me.)
The hardest part is I don't know what's expected of me, or what's not expected of me. Sends my anxiety into a fucking tizzy. I don't like being uncomfortable. That's all that it really boils down to.

But back to food. A good Grandma slice would hit the spot.

Is it you? Or is it these damn chemicals in my brain?

Ever since I've been on this trip and away from L, I've been all in my feelings about everything. For the most part I miss him and he misses me. He tells me everyone thinks he looks lonely and sad.
I can't wait to see him again. I really do miss spending time with him. It's got me thinking about us and our future, but I really should put a hold on all of that thought and talk. I know we're not going anywhere near the next level until he's working and making steady (good) money. And I know a big contribution to that is his addiction to MJ so.... yeah...
However I've decided to move forward with my life and relationship goals so that's why I'm trying for another baby. [this is on top of going back to school, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, so I'm about to make #blackgirlmagic happen].

What's been bothering me is that i've also been really emotional recently. I was fine a few days ago. I spoke with L and it was good to hear his voice, but talking only made me miss him more. In addition it's like everything here is making me emotional. Every time I turn around SOMETHING IS MAKING ME SAD. I had a damn anxiety attack yesterday after an I went into the kitchen to get something to eat and my uncle questions what I was in there for. my mind immediately went into the self conscious mode where I second guessed everything and although i'm not sure how he actually meant his inquiry it still hurt my feelings and I ended up going to bed hungry. I told L about how i felt and he basically ignored it. This only sent me tumbling into a spiral of emotions. Further exemplified when I woke up. I decided to give him a call since Olivia wanted to talk to him and he seemed upset when he answered.  He was dismissive and almost angry. He said he was tired and i know he's not a morning person but he didn't even bend for Olivia, he was just..... idk done.. idk.
That hurt me more than anything, and that hurt turned into worry and of course the inevitable self consciousness, all sorts of crazy ideas popped into my head and I don't like (or trust) any of them.
Can't pin point the real issue. Maybe it's because i'm hungry. Haven't had a really satisfying meal in a while. And there's no snacks for me to eat my feelings away. It could also be that I'm pregnant (that would definitely set my emotions into  tizzy and make me highly irrational).
But L has not yet called me back.... so who knows. I won't bother him until it's time for me to go back home.  I think I'll just get cozy with my own thoughts... sigh.

Vacation!

For the first time in foreverrrrrrrr. I've taken a vacation to visit my family in Grenada. It's a robust 8 day's, which to some sounds like not enough time, but it's more than enough for me. Just considering that work is at it's height and it's Olivia's first time, anything longer than that I'd need to be more prepared for. So maybe next year we can do a little longer.

But the trip so far has been amazing. Olivia is having great time. It's good to see everyone and everyone enjoys meeting Olivia. We went to the beach yesterday and had a excellent time. Only downfall is that Olivia got a really high fever last night (104) and we had to pat her down with ice rags. It was so bad and she was shaking and crying, but thankfully my aunt really put in the work and got her fever down. She's looking much better today.

Overall, I'm looking forward to a really great time. I'll have to come and post some pics when I get back home. I'm also going to do one large post with my day to day break downs.

I wish I had a GoPro. The videos would've been out of this world.

It has been written

Something compelled me to come in and write. Oh heaven knows what. I've lost touch with why I kept talking about myself and my life. I've been asking myself if I can only writing about things in my life than are complicated and when it's too good or too bad, I don't write at all.. 

I wonder. 

Well regardless of that, everything is fine. 

I got a car. 

Woot woot!

And I'm going on a vacation to Grenada.

I also got my passport. 

Woot woot! 

So yeah. 

In other news particularly why I chose to write now, is because I'm at the doctors. I'm getting my IUD taken out. 

Meaning, I'd like to have another child.

I've thought about it, and I feel it's best that I'm younger  (before my life blows up and I'm completely unable to)

I'm trying to go back to school as well, and it would be easier to do it pregnant than with a Newborn. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like it's the right time. 

I did want to get married first. But I might still have to wait until I'm pregnant for that. Damn L. 

I don't want to rush him, but I also don't want him to feel like I don't care enough that he can take his sweet time. 

Either way, I'm gonna take my chances and see what happens. L and I have been well, in terms of our relationship. I can see he loves me, even when he's being a dick. I love him as well, even when he's being a dick. 

He's stated working again, so that could contribute to his upgrade in mood. Who knows, I just know I'm marginally happier. And that's a win. 

I'd like to say I'd try and write more, but that's a bold face lie. We shall see.....

Good things can actually be good

This post was originally for February.

I haven't written in a while. Not because shit has hit the fan, or because they're terribly great. In some ways things still suck. But not everything. And im thankful for that. For the most part it's all goodie. 

Oh Happy New Year. I know it's almost Feb. so I'm so fucking late. 

I've been crazy and secluded because of work. It's been taking SO MUCH ENERGY. But I still love the shit out of my job tho. So yes to that shit. I'm gap for that reason. 

Overall aside from that. I'm not half bad. Things are in a limbo. I'm really waiting for L to start working so that I can breathe. But things have been going well in that aspect I guess. I don't know. 

Tried, and tired

I've finally come up for air!!

I've been so swamped with work and the holidays and what not. It's been real. Really real. Oh speaking of which, Happy Holidays (which ever you celebrate)! Merry Christmas and Happy Yule for me. Happy New Year! 

So let's do a quick recap. 

Christmas was great (as good as it could be.. ) my family came over (mom, brother, sister in law, cousin). It was quite wonderful. I cooked a succulent dinner. (With help from my mom) and Olivia had a grand time opening gifts (she made a huge mess). But all in all it was awesome. 

In other x-mas news, I got 2 kittens!! I'm so in love with them, look!

Our tree!!! It's much better in person. ;)

Yahoo playing with a feather

Yogurt under the tree.. chillin

Their names are Yogurt and Yahoo. And they're actually the real reason I'm here, but I want to make sure I've gotten the updates out of the way......... Ohhhhhh. 

My mother took the liberty of adding extensions (synthetic hair braids) into my 3 year old daughters hair. She didn't ask, she didn't say anything to me or L and I'm livid. The least she could've done was  ask.... Extensions were at the top of my No-no list and she knew that! She did this shit behind my back on purpose and it's so upsetting. A few days ago we were planning a New Years party, but I was really upset with her, she hasn't called me at all. I don't care much. She really broke my trust on a superficial level, she has to really watch what she does in terms of Olivia, because I'm not playing that shit.

So back to Yogurt and Yahoo ( oh I almost forgot Yogurt is the playful girl, Yahoo is the suave boy)... I got them on Christmas Eve. Didn't intend to get two cats, but not many were available. And Olivia and I bonded to them almost immediately. As well, they're brother and sister so I couldn't separate them (I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, I personally believe 2 kittens are better). Everything was swell, I didn't pay a fortune, (although I did bank myself at negative because of their supplies) Olivia and I had a joyous Christmas because of their addition. Now here's the problem...L.

L doesn't like cats. He explained this, but he also said he was traumatized by the loss of a cat at a young age so that's why he never wanted one again. Then eventually it became "I don't like cats". I was like whatever, I thought he was trying not to be soft. So we had agreed to get a cat. Just one though, but I ended up with 2. He was testy. And he complained and he had a tantrum... He threatened to let them get lost... Yada yada, essentially he's heartless. But he was just ranting. I caught him several times playing with the cats and them enjoying his company. However, he still complains and now he wants me to get rid of them. .........

First, I've made a shit ton... A SHIT TON, of sacrifices and compromises for him.. But he can't bend because he "Doesn't. Like. Cats." ???????????????? We'll get back to this shortly..

Second, I've asked him to do nothing for them. I clean their litter and feed them (like I do almost everything in the house) and Olivia plays and cuddles with them. The only reason he interacts with them is because THEY FUCKING LIKE HIM!!! I don't know why though...... 

Third, he's such a sour ass. 

So back to 1. I'm not mad that he doesn't like cats I'm mad that I put up with this shit for this long and he can't compromise for fucking cats. 

I'm mad that I didn't stop him in his tracks when he got me pregnant, I'm mad that I didn't object to his extreme marijuana habit (that has taken more money out this household then I can count, that has taken money from RENT!!). I'm mad I didn't complain about his laziness or joblessness or the fact that he can't stay at one job, or look for a new one. I'm mad that I didn't throw a tantrum when he made me drop off AND pick up Olivia when all he did was stay in the house all day. I'm mad that I didn't pout when I had to cook AND clean after a long days work, while I was sick or while I was exhausted. I'm mad that a "man" who doesn't know the meaning of loving commitment and seeing the future in another person and only wanting to share that with them, would drag me along on a goddamn leash and I would walk along obediently. 

I'm mad that I made it this far.. I'm mad that I'm fucking mad. And I feel so mad that I'm bound to do something petty, or say some real shit and he ain't gonna like it. But aside from being mad, I'm fed up. I'm tired of trying so hard to make a relationship out of this co-dependency. He may think that I don't need him, but he has been vital to my emotional evolution. I really do care for him and I only want the best for him, but I feel as though I'm alone in that sentiment. This has been the case for a long time, I've just honestly been playing games. I keep waiting on him to appreciate me, to stand up for his family and be a man, to start acting like he gives a damn, to be responsible, essentially I'm waiting for something that has almost no chance of happening. I can't change a grown person.. I honestly can't change anyone... for any reason. They have to be willing to make adjustments in themselves and L just isn't about that..

I'm really tired of all this..I've tried so hard. 

Another?

So I've been deathly sick this week, so unfortunate. Ugh. I fucking hate being sick, but that's not what this post is about.

In other news, aside from me being extremely sick and complaining (which I have a tendency to do.) L has prosed that we have another baby.

And for the first time, I can honestly say I don't think I'm ready. Well, more honestly, I can say I know I don't want another child right now. Here are a few reasons why:

1) L's still not working. Although my income, could potentially be enough to support us, I don't know if it'll work to our benefit to but ourselves in that predicament.

2) I kinda want the freedom of not having another child to worry about just yet. I'd like to create a savings and splurge on vacations

3) I don't want to jeopardize my new position..

4) I'm not healthy enough or physically fit enough

5) I wanted to wait until Olivia was at least 5..

6) I'm worried about my relationship with L. I was hoping that if that was a decision we were going to make that we'd at least be married or at least feel a little bit more stable. Sometimes I still worry that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us in the future. Sometimes I absolutely love  being with him and it all feels perfect.

For instance when we had this conversation about having another baby, it was him who brought it up. He even thought it would be a girl. He started on dates. He wants to start next year.. January or February. He even thought of names. He really  likes Love Leiva. I suggested we need a middle name and thought of Alexandria. Like Alexandria Love Leiva or Love Alexandria Leiva (although I like the first one better). He was so dreamy eyed and sure. I felt like everything was ok and this was the right next step for us. But I had to be real. I wasn't ready. And I don't think it's the best step for me or us.

I could go on, but honestly I do want more children - I want them more than I want a lot of things. But I'm sensible at heart, and I know that its just not feasible at this point... but i wish...