Love letter #1

I write you a Love letter. Because i never have. 

I write you a Love letter because you're all I have.

I write you a Love letter because you deserve more. 

I write you a Love letter because its secretly what you're waiting for. 

It's the whispers, the kisses in the night. The soft hugs of reassurance. The passionate sex after a hurtful fight.

It's the melody inside of me that resonates with you telepathically, you're all I need eventually two lost souls on a path of destiny. 

Don't count yourself short or sell yourself high. It's not the magic of the destination but the amazement in the ride. And with you there's a roller-coaster of affairs we're waiting to share in the recesses of living rooms bathrooms and tiny spaces placing on tables our boxed up hearts in cages. I know your temper rages and i can be stubborn like an ass but its the future were looking towards not the past the humanity in our sanity or lack there of nothing that can't be cured with an unexpected kiss or a strong hug. Filling each others souls with goals that we can only reach together honestly our best and probably only policy no matter how hard it may be these words I write with love and hopes for light let the ego that swells within your heart take flight and be certain ill catch it with all my might. We may not be wrong we may not be right but in these love letters it's worth the fight. It's why I write. 

A Love letter to you 

Because its all I can do. 

To prove 

How much i really love you. 

In ways that words cannot obtain or sentiments cannot contain. Promises that don't remain. In times where there's nothing but pain. A reminder that although we may never change, the feelings will always be the same.

And as I write please note the flaws that we see in each other are only temporary moments of uncertainty. When you've forgotten how much you mean to me. When your eyes are blind and I have to help you see. I hope it's this Love letter that will put your mind at ease. And bring your heart back to its tempo'd beat. 

And once more ill remind you what your looking for, found not at mine, but at your souls door. 

And one day when we've gone about our hearts way, and there's nothing left to say, you can pass this love letter on in some way. 

Stress

I'm stressed out beyond max capacity.

I think I've reached my limit. 

I'm going to implode. 

This can't possibly be safe for those around me....

My mothers being evicted. 

In all sincerity it's L's fault. But I shan't dare bring it up to him in justification for my wiry schedule... Oh no!!

Sooo, I've got to help her move. And I've got to get my stuff In storage.

And it seems like I don't have the money nor the time, nor the patience, nor the mental capacity for any of those things. 

I haven't been good with deadlines and appointments. And scheduling. I'm too stressed. My mind can't concentrate on one thing in particular. So it just shuts down.

An in turn makes me even more stressed.

Sigh. I start work next week. Still missing documentation. Can't find my damn high school diploma. 

Now the daycare is telling me that my daughter can't be there as long as I've had here there as of recent. 

I really need things to calm down. I need stability or I'm gonna pop a screw...

Now NY state tax revenue wants me to pay $641 by Friday... Like WTF??!!

They must be smoking crack.

As well. L is stressing me out. I can't pinpoint how exactly. Probably because he's just being himself and not being very emotionally helpful. Maybe I'm not being emotionally helpful either. Although I doubt that. 

Then... My living situation has become its own warp of stress. 

I'm going to break.... ...

....

Someone's neck....

At the moment I'm rushing to pick up my daughter. I'm running late. They charge a $1 per minute that your late.

Then I've got to come back to continue helping my mother move. 

The Marshall comes tomorrow... 

There's a boat load of other stressors. 

Like my $560 something phone bill. 

Or my $141 storage bill. 

Both due on the 10th. 

Or the fact that I'm already broke beyond belief. 

And my daughter still had needs. 

And I don't have food stamps.

And...

I hope I end up in the Bronx like right now....

Now...

....

...

Hmm, not happening I guess.

I'm exhausted from being so stressed. And because I don't get much sleep. 

Hopefully by the end of this week all will be well. I fucking hope because if not.... I don't know what'll happen. 

I'm tired. I wanna just check out and slowly disintegrate in front of a tv show on Netflix.   But I've got responsibilities. 

I'm an adult. 

Trying to obtain my independence. And now it just seems like I'm only asserting my failure. If I didn't care as much, in probably wouldn't be as stressed I think. 

Too bad that just isn't me. 

Hi. Hello. Welcome. Warning.

Dear readers (new and old alike), 

Welcome! 

Dear passerby's,

Stay for a while! 

I just now decided that I'd start tagging some of my post. I do understand this may (and may not) generate more traffic on my blog. Therefore I decided to write like a welcome message before those of you who are new, delve into the extreme details of my personal life. As I have written before, probably a long time ago, names written here have been changed, abbreviated, etc. to protect identities. I do however have a few followers who know me personally, if so (and you decide to comment and/or share) please remember to keep my identity confidential. 

Quite possibly one day this may end up being a book and for those who have joined me for the ride now you'll get a special thanks/shout out! 

I write my life in such explicit detail because I think it's about time that people be real with each other about how the world really is. It's tough as fuck.  And yet we can only get through this together. Through understanding and comraderey.  

I do not write to please or impress anyone. If you don't like something don't read it. Don't like,comment, or share. Because I will delete any inappropriate or nasty remarks. And please take your hate somewhere else, because it is NOT welcome here. 

But alas, for those if you who could give a shit about all that crap and are just here to enjoy and/or be entertained, feel understood, or whatever other positive vibey stuff, then Hi, WELCOME!!!

I'm not

I'm not your average girl. This is not your average story. You won't find an average tale hidden beneath the glitz and glory. 

There isn't an average man, child, or person in my life. And there just might not be an average husband at the end, nor an average wife. I can't promise average problems, or solutions with that. As well there won't be an average education or average job to match. My career is not straight forward. Neither is my talent. I have expertise in areas that aren't normal. In ways that's quite unbalanced. 

My average is your quirky. Your zany. Your throw for the loop. It's unconventional but exceptional in the way it's so aloof. You can't put your finger on it, but it makes sense in the end. For its not really about how you feel about it, just the poetry in its lens.

So take a picture, wait a while. Sit back with a nice drink, enjoy the ride. I promise it won't be subtle. I promise to be wild. I promise that it will shock you and leave you stupored in surprise. I promise it won't be average, in your eyes or mine.

Lets call her N

I met her on okcupid believe it or not. After totally giving up on that site/app because tons of people would visit my profile, but none would message. 

And by people I meant women.

I got more then enough men on my profile, but that wasn't what I was looking for. I was looking to be reckless, abandon all concern for what "other people" thought. I wanted to explore the side of me that I kept hidden. For so long. That some people didn't even believe existed. But alas. I left the bait in the water, but nobody bit. 

And then she came along. 

Her first message to me was:

"Everything about you is giving me life!! Is it possible to love someone you never "met?!!"

 And my answer is yes. 

We haven't met face to face. I haven't even heard her voice yet. And I'm unabashedly intrigued. I'm intoxicated. I'm excited and exhilarated. I don't think I've felt like this before. 

We have so much in common that its freaky. The universe is speaking to our souls in many ways. I can't help but think about her all the time. 

I want to learn her nervous habits, and hold her hand as we walk in the park. Sit close while on the train and whisper secrets to each other. Giggle at strangers. Look deep into her eyes while the sun is setting and the Earth is at peace. Feel her warm embrace. Let her cry into my chest. Hold her tight while the night seeps around us. 

A part of me wants to call her mine. 

And yet. I can't. 

L and I have spoken about her, but we haven't yet delved into the possibilities of where my relationship with her can go. 

As for her end, she's just as tied up in a commitment as I am. 

We're lost souls. Reaching for each other. And eternity has brought us together at a pivotal time. 

A part of me is eager. A part of me is scared. 

This is nothing like being with another man. This is nothing like what I've felt for men either. There is an emotional need that I have that she quenches. Whether it be with her poetic words or her expressive feelings. I can't deny how happy she's made me. 

And we haven't even met yet. 

What happens when we do meet?

What if I kiss her and can't stop? 

What if we make love? 

What if we fall in love? 

What if???

What if I feel empty by not being in her presence? 

What if our lives collide? 

What if magic happens?

What if??

All these questions, with no answers. All I know is I'm eager. I'm eager to start a life that I feel like I can call my own. 

I'm eager to answer the call to my heart and soul. 

I want to see what life has in store for me. And I want to do that with N by my side. 

Heartbreak

My heart is breaking 

shaking 

its earth quaking deliberating this

 Fate I'm facing 

there's no space in

 my soul for the taste it 

leaves in my pores 

wanting more from my core. 

I've locked the door but my fears are sprawled on the floor

 it's four and I'm awake with heart ache for pains sake it's all I can take not to cry 

or die 

or try 

to run away 

to the future 

to the day when this has all gone another way, 

when there's nothing to say and peace is in play. 

But alas I'm stuck in the past, this feeling can't last but the present holds fast,

 I'm within pains grasp

 drowning in a river of air 

coddled by despair, 

the treatments impaired

its not all that fair.

 I'm trapped in its lair,

 caged by the page of  age upon me, 

I'm sorry that  I'm not strongly persisting in the midst of the army, 

I've lost my wits to the kiss 

of depression. Dancing lightly in succession with repression.

 Albeit  I've learned a lesson, one cannot lessen 

their own hurt with mere confessions

 of gratitude for their worldly possessions,

 sometimes it takes profession in universal faith, 

acceptance in your mistakes 

and letting yourself feel the heartbreak. 

No words

I think I've reached the pinnacle of fear in my life.

It's not what would first come to mind. In fact, it's probably like 3rd on the list.

I'm afraid to have this abortion.

I'm so scared that I have no words. 

It's not until next week, but as each day passes this life inside me grows and I'm just here to betray it. 

If prayed to the mother Goddess, and to God, and even to the child. Asking for some type of forgiveness. I've asked if I could have my child back one day. But sometimes I wonder, if I deserve my chile back. 

I don't consider myself a bad person. I consider my circumstances to be bad. 

That only reflects my strength as a person. 

Alas, I don't consider myself strong enough. 

My best friend has been trying to convince me to look at the positive side of every situation. 

I can't seem to find one for this one.

Except that I might, hopefully be giving this child a chance at a better life, in another lifetime. He won't have to be disappointed by my hardships, or his fathers inability to really father. 

Am I being selfish by not having the child? By not choosing adoption? 

I don't know. I do know though that if I carry this child to term, he is mine. No matter what the struggle I am not strong enough to give him up once I've gone that far....

 

However I am used to pain and depression. So I think I can wallow in my loss before its even happened. And even though its my causing. 

I'm going to have a medicational abortion. Which means that they'll give me a pill which will cause me to miscarry. 

L offered to come with me. But my best friend doesn't think he's sensitive/compassionate enough. She suggested my mom come with me. I think that's a good idea actually. If she doesn't mind.  And if she's available...

Or I might just go with L. Sigh, but he has to work, we need the money. 

For now I have to just go one step at a time....