What the #$*%!

I legitimately don't understand L.

Do you recall a post a while back that talked about him moving out.. and yada yada yada (I'd rather not rehash the painful memory) but it was all but clear that even though he was speaking emotionally ,which he claims he never does, he obviously was telling some kind of truth.

And still he manages to have a conversation with me yesterday about buying a puppy 2 years from now. Asking if I thought we'd be ready!! Stating that maybe we'll be married by then!!!

I just don't get it. His mixed signals are disgusting and they make me want to slap someone. Then get this... he then divulges that he's just not ready right now. He still has urges to get out of his system (i.e he wants to sleep with other people). So I proceeded to ask him about my "urges" and he said that I can get those out of my system too. He just hopes that I have no one to get it out of my system with. HAHAHAHAHA little does  he know as a woman I can get my urges out with any flipping body I point my finger at. Although if I had a choice i'd check out the lady side of things. (But boy would I make a terrible lesbian. I don't seem to be as visible as I had hoped I could be. I'm going to have to settle on buying some rainbow converse.

A letter

Dear L,

Please know first and foremost this is not the first time I am writing a letter like this. You are not the first one. I guess it’s a deficiency that I have, not being able to communicate properly about my real feelings. I think it’s because I talk so much that at some point people tune out - out of habit.

Ever since the first day I met you, you’ve intrigued me. I tried to deny to myself how much I was actually interested in you. I didn’t think too much of it, but I thought a lot about you.

After I broke up with my ex (which I’ll have you know was not because of you, even though you were the catalyst. I had just realized I was young and I wanted to have fun) I didn’t think much of …. I broke up with my ex because I wanted to spend time with you and not feel guilty about it. But I didn’t expect much to come out of seeing you. I had a vague idea of what guys wanted from me and I figured I was pretty sure it didn’t include anything long term.

In all honesty, I didn’t want anything long term. I’ve always believed that I was that type of person, but it never seems to go well for me.

When I first asked you to join me on my escapade to Coney Island it wasn’t to be date – it was to be free for just a moment. I didn’t think it would go anywhere beyond that night – or a few days for that matter. Knowing that, I also want you to know – I didn’t fall in love. It wasn’t infatuation either. It was passion, and you made me feel free. I liked you as a friend.. and potential fuck buddy, but that was all I wanted.

Not sure what was going on through your head (except for some fucked up voodoo that’s been running its course through the women in my family for millennia) but you had other ideas in mind. And voila!

Thank you for your passion, thank you for Olivia. But you destroyed me. It’s not your fault though.

I was fine with you leaving.. I could handle hate, rejection, and disappointment. What I couldn’t handle was half love. Love that only goes but so far.. isn’t really love at all. Love that touches your hand, but not your heart isn’t love at all – it’s pain pure, unadulterated pain. And I’m sure you’ll never understand that.

It may just be that we love differently. Or maybe you just don’t know how to love. But your love hurts. This is why I’ve tried to separate so many times, because I want your love,  but your love hurts and that’s not good for anyone. And every time I think that I won’t have to live in pain again, it comes right back to haunt me.

I cannot begin to understand how you feel, or what your motives are. I can only see the darkness that is inside my heart. I smile and play along but I am empty. What hurts more than anything is the confusion… Every time I try to talk about it, you kind of sweep it under the rug. But I know, I can feel it, I know this isn’t real. Don’t get me wrong. I do love you, and I do wish it was real. I wish that we could get engaged, and you did propose, and I did take your last name and we did buy a house or have more children, or start a company… I wish we had a future, but we don’t. We have alignment, because we share a child; and yes, that’s important but it’s not what I wanted. I wanted all or nothing at all… and you gave me half and dragged me the rest of the way. Denying that you had any fault. I know someone else like that.

As days go by and I try to plan for my future I find it suffocating. I try not to talk about it or think about it, but I’m suffering in silence. It makes me want to yell. I’m tired of the game, it’s very lonely. Everyday I’m reminded of what I want, but can’t have. I appreciate your support it’s made all the difference, however, I wish none of this had every happened. But still, Olivia is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.. so.. I guess it’s all a necessary evil. Well, there is no good without a sacrifice.

Sincerely Yours...

Exclustion pt 2

So boredom at work led me to scrolling through a blog about Steno Notepads; because I use them at work, but had no idea what their original purpose was.. this all started because I saw on the cover of the notepad that it had a limited warranty. And I thought 'why the hell would a notebook have a warranty? what could possibly go wrong with it.' Although when I did my research I found out what it's purpose was, I still don't know why it would need a warranty. But I digress. I happened onto a blog that was hosted by blogspot and that made me think about my blog and as I was reading and being thoroughly entertained I saw that I was suppposed to follow up on my "Exclusion" post.

So for the update:

I've deleted my social media websites from my phone and I haven't been on them from my laptop at all really. The only exception was when a good friend of mine from Mexico City (let's call her M) contacted L because she was worried about me. I was honestly shocked because I didn't think anyone actually cared.
No one else came looking for me. I was happy that she had, oddly enough she was the only one I thought about during my hiatus. Surprisingly she was also trying to contact me because she's coming to visit in July. I'm SO HYPED!! It's going to be great to have a friend out here, even if it's just for a while.

All in all I feel like the social media experiment was a success. It's given me time and brain space to focus on myself and wallow in my own despair without having everyone elses "good time" acting as acid on my wounds. It's also allowed me to appreciate my little successes because I wouldn't have been able to identify them otherwise. Will I ever go back to social media?

Maybe when I graduate from college.. or get married.. or have another child... or maybe once I've done all three. Or maybe never. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Seriously. At first I liked being able to keep up on what my friends were up to but at this point it feels worthless. I don't know how to explain how I feel about it exactly because it's so complicated. But I feel as though I'd be fine without it and I think that's a good thing. However, what I should do is update my profile with my correct phone number and email address and home address for that matter in case anyone wants to reach out to me.

But I have a feeling like everything else will align itself and I'll move into the space in my life where I feel comfortable and I've made friends that I can hang out with and do fun things with. All good things...

Changing Tides

I was going to watch a movie and then I thought to myself...why don't I write a post. It's quiet enough and my mind is open to letting some things off my chest.

First and foremost after almost a month, I got a new job.. and it's great. I'll be doing something that i like (admin within a nonprofit - meaning I'll be helping people, but not devoting my entire life to taking care of them). Anyway, It's a great job, and it pays well. Really well - so I'm happy. However I've entered into a gateway of not having a job for a month and just starting a job that leads to my life falling apart. I don't have any funds.

Don't know why I didn't save.. well I do know why, we needed things. And food is EXPENSIVE - omg!! I don't know how I'm going to survive buying food out here.. JESUS!!

But that's besides the point because it's too late to cry over spilled milk.. It's done and gone in the past and at this point i'm just staring at a dank immediate future. I don't know what to do. I honestly wish I could snap my fingers and money would appear (even if I had to pay it back) but that's not how life works and sadly pay day loans are illegal and controlled by scam artists and loan sharks. And people wonder why the economy was shit.

I honestly wasn't expecting to be out of work for this long I figured a week at maximum because I was originally going from one job into another. Literally, but then this job came up and I couldn't let it pass. I've never had an opportunity like this before - I've never had a salary like this before (its not a salaried job, it's hourly. And even though I've made that hourly amount before I didn't have the hours to accumulate a salary like I'll have now.)
The issue is even though I was "hired" a week ago. The position is contracted through a temp agency and it took them just up until yesterday to contact me to start the background check and paperwork. So it's taken me this long because of that. If I had any inkling that this would've happened I wouldn't have left my job. Honestly, this sucks more than anything I could think of.

I don't know how to move forward this next month.. my birthday month again.. no money and super stressed. The way this agency does their pay periods is super inconvenient. By the time I get my first paycheck it will be practically worthless, because of how long I will have gone without money. And my problem is ideally at this point I'd need about $1500 to get back on track... That's ridiculous. And so frustrating. That's why people do illegal things. Because there's no legal way at this point to get my life together. Aside from winning the lottery. And I'm so scared of that thought.

I'm scared of this desperation. It could fuck up my life. More than it already is fucked up. It's making me depressed and it's driving me crazy. I know later on in life I'll look back at this moment and say whew, glad that passed, but at this point I can't see how i'm gonna get past this (without having amazing luck). I have to think outside the box.

I want to ask for help but I don't know who to ask. And I'm having a hard time trusting that anyone would actually be willing to help. seriously. My only option would be a stranger.... Should I try crowdfunding - that's legal?? But who (honestly) would I be appealing too? I need to raise $1500 for what exactly?? to pay my bills?? I don't see how anyone would be moved by that reason (except me). If I had it and I encountered someone who needed it I would definitely help.  But maybe that's only because I'm in this situation right. Most people feel as if they got their success on their own. Not even realizing how many people paved that path for them. I don't have that luxury. I'm doing this struggle on my own. But boy.. do I wish I had a path.

Exclusion

So first and foremost I have to apologize for those who wished this blog had more photos.. Maybe one day I'll get to that point. I'd also like to post my video diaries on here at some point in time, but for now, sorry not sorry.

So.. I know I've written about this topic before but it's crossed my mind and it seems a little bit even more prevalent again. So I guess rather than allude to it I'll just put it out there. I'm fucking lonely. I'm such an outsider.

Frankly put I find it hard to find a place to fit in. And with that, I find that I am excluded from most things.

I don't know what it is... am I too Intense? Intimidating? Forgettable? Not funny enough? Not flexible enough? Too poor? Too depressed? Too weird?

I honestly don't fucking get it.. I feel like no matter what I'm invisible. Seriously.

Take this blog for example, I've tried almost everything to get it a little attention on here, even though it's very personal and I'm not really that interested in people I know reading it - I'd like for people I don't know to.. but nada. Of course the internet is a big place so maybe this is a bad example.

So I'll try using any activity or group I try to associate with. I never fit in, and for the most part people forget about me and then lie about forgetting. It's kinda sad.

I can't even make new friends.

I'm even invisible in my relationship, I find myself feeling lonely because there is no more soul connection. Not sure what happened.

Even the other day I was speaking to my best friend and I didn't feel a soul connection. It was heartbreaking (even though I know it was all my imagination.. I hope)

I find that I feel like a damn outcast. Is it because I complain too much?

Is it because I have too many reasons too complain. Can't put my finger on it....

I'm thinking about deleting my social media sites anyway. I don't any type of enjoyment from them to be honest, and there's no socializing done on there. As a matter of fact, I'm going to do that right now.
Oddly enough my phone restarted.... weird... but I feel  little better now, albeit more isolated.

I think I'd like to cut a lot of people out of my life. Mostly because they're a waste of space. Not that everyone in your life should be doing something for you - but they should be serving a purpose to enrich your life through friendship or companionship.
(p.s. I've signed up on a pen pal website.. am I pathetic or what???)

I just can't shake this hole in my heart. It's sad. For some reason I feel like further isolation might make me feel better. Maybe I'll be able to at least rid myself of negative energy that comes with having people in your life that just don't give a fuck... Honestly I don't really know.. guess I'll have to follow back up on this in a month.

Depressing Shit

Well....

Now, I just feel bad. For messing up the good news. But it's not really my fault.

After moving in L and I decided that we could make a pretty good team and wanted to work it out. We had plans for marriage, having another baby (in the far distant future), getting a house eventually. The whole family unit shabang.

I thought we really understood each other and our goals. and that all was going to be well. i thought "finally i'm worth it"

....
But I was wrong.

Today he threw out of left field that he's looking for a room to rent. He wants to move out.
I've also seen that he's been consistently creating profiles on dating websites. Actively looking for "like minds"... which previously he'd justified as just looking for "friendships" and nothing was serious.  (not sure if he knows that I know about the second part...)

But this all leads me to believe that he want's to break up.. well maybe... but it leaves me to believe that we might not stay together. This just reminds me that I'm not done with this. We're not a couple. We're not engaged. We're not a family. i'm just a baby mama. i'm not worth it. i'm not his like mind. i'm not enough.

**I had typed out a whole lot of not so fun stuff and I guess because my internet was acting terribly it didn't save and then I forgot about it (I could've recovered it if I hadn't..) but please find the jist of my woe below and some additional thoughts below**

Basically he said that he really didn't mean it and that he only said that out of anger (he was angry over something petty) but I find that hard to believe because he always lies about his true feelings.

I feel as though it is possible that he's been lying since the beginning and that either something beyond his control his keeping him here or it's pulling him away. I've done cleansings but I haven't done one for our relationship. (Note: this is very common for the women in my family to not have successful relationships). I thought I didn't need to, thus I ignored the problem - therefore perpetuating it.
All in all I'm sure that this will probably not work out how I wished and hoped and prayed it would. I truly thought this would be it... otherwise why else would I have had a child with him? Of course.. my gut tells me otherwise.

He has been acting different more distant in a way (which he always does when peaking his true feelings. I don't know how to respond to it. Truthfully, I don't know what to do. My best friend said I should break up with him, but at this point when everything is still on such shaky ground that doesn't make sense.

I guess I've just been waiting for him to admit that he doesn't really love me. And that this whole charade wasn't intentional but ultimately his fault because he didn't put an end to it when he had the chance. I've been trying to end this heartbreak for a while now, but he keeps reeling me back in. I'm broken now and I don't see much a future for my heart.

Again.. I've started noticing things and how they are different. I've begun to notice (again) that what I feel with him is not love... or at least not the love I am looking for.

As well, like my best friend pointed out - my ego has gotten the best of me. I didn't want to admit to the world that we didn't work out. Because I'm pretty sure that's what they thought from the beginning but I fought so hard for him... for us. Failure is not normally in my repertoire.

I really could've sworn that I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself through this anymore (with L) but he's persuasive. But I don't know what to do. I'm lonely... really really lonely. And that hurts more than anything. I've encountered a lot of heartbreak in my life and some I've gotten over - others not so much. But this... this... I can't see myself moving past this.. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shit, I can't even see the tunnel. I just know it's dark and cold and this.. this.. this... is some depressing shit..

Oh yeah!! Ummm, good news!!

Believe it or not I actually came on here to write some depressing shit (because every time I think I'm alright some depressing shit comes and fucks me up..) but alas, I realized that even before I can get to the depressing shit, I have to announce the monumental news!!

WE'VE MOVED OUT OF THE SHELTER!!!

For the first time in foreverrrrrr.... I'm not fucking homeless!!!

And it's my own. My fucking OWN. I'm so excited I can't even.

But it doesn't really feel real yet.

Still working out this employment thing so hopefully by next week I'll have even better news.. but for now all I can think about is the damn depressing shit. Why is that so?


EDIT ADDED 8.4.15

GOOD NEWS!!! We've moved!! I'm FINALLY a out of the fucking shelter. This feels great. This feels awesome. And I didn't cry!! That must mean I'm an adult. I'm just saying. Olivia has her own room now and L and I's relationship has gotten a lot better. Just like I thought, now is truly when our relationship starts because we get to test it out like normally people- not like homeless vagabonds.

The stress is still high because now it's about figuring out employment. L is not working right now and I might be switching jobs. It's a lot and even though we made it... We haven't made it.


As I write. I think about the obstacles that I have overcome. I am proud of myself but I still have a lot more to go. I am not comfortable yet. I feel anxious. Because I know I am almost there. I've almost reached the point where I can breathe. Drink a cup of tea. Let my creative juices fly and make my way into my own skin. But right now I'm just at step one. It's crazy because now that I'm here (I honestly thought I'd never make it) it feels like I need to rush into the next thing. I want so bad to be able to feel relief knowing that I don't have to stress ( all that much) about money.. Right now everything is up in the air and its nerve wracking. Like what the fuck is gonna happen now?!!?? Will I by any chance get to step 2??? Will it take me another 5..10..15..20 years??!! Like hell!!! Life is too short to waste time by wasting away my talent, skills, innovation, energy etc.

I had a talk with my current boss and for a while there I doubted myself. I doubted I'd get where and what I want. Then after that day of doubt I said " Fuck that shit, I'm fucking awesome."
And that was that. I decided to not let his poison put me to sleep. I chewed that apple then I spit it out. Poison taste gross, and life's too short for gross things. I'd like to digest something yummy, so I updated my resume and I'm sending it out today- no matter what. I'm handling my business and I'm going to continue to do so until I've reached step 2. I'm going to ask for help, from everyone.. Because that's how I got to step 1. I never gave up and I got help wherever I could. So fuck it. Let's do this...