Let's Catch Up (again)

I realized that's it's high time for me to go over things that have happened in the past (maybe) 6 months.

1. I'm pregnant. With baby number 2. Don't know if it's a boy or girl yet. Wasn't expecting it because I found out right when I was about to break up with L. *kanye shrug*
2. The baby almost killed me during the first trimester. I was super sick the entire time. Lost about 25 lbs so far. 
3. We also got a dog. Gypsy. She's a blue nose pit bull. Olivia loves her and she loves us.
4. L is pretty abusive to Gypsy so we may not keep her for much longer. I don't like how he treats her (he's an asshole) and she's getting too big for this apartment.
5. I was trying to move to Philly. Not working out. Need new plan of action.
6. Went back to work, just a temp job. Barely pays anything, I'm back to square one.
7. Had actually went back to school (not sure if I wrote about that). Was doing good until I got pregnant and sick. Had to take medical leave. Now in super debt.
8. Got into a really bad fight with L on Mothers Day. He got physical again. Now it's tough and I'm pretty much over the relationship even though i'm giving him another chance. He needs serious help. 
9. I need serious help too though. I can't live like this. So stressed and angry all the time. 
10. I don't have any friends anymore. Maybe like 1. 

Well that wraps that up for now. I'm tired from being so angry. I'm gonna try and get some sleep. 

Ciao

Possession

This is old (from several months ago, over 6). But I loved the irony and how well it spoke to exactly how my period makes me feel. 


On this day, approximately 5 hours ago, I got my period. As the day drove on, I slowly but surely felt it begin to possess my body. I felt it slowly killing me. Starting with the stress and fatigue. Then the back pain and irritability. I feel like it's ripping my insides apart. I should've known that I wouldn't have been saved by an unlikely and untimely pregnancy.

No Patience

It could be the years of pent of anger or it could just be that I've reached the limit of patience that I have for.. well, everything... but I'm cranky as fuck.

I literally have NO fucks to give about almost anyone's feelings.

L wanted to text me how hungry he was after he's been in the house all day. Not to mention that I did some grocery shopping about 2 days ago and there's shit in the house he could've made. He's just lazy.
Don't fucking complain to me. Because you've been stealing money from the food stamps and in addition to that you had the nerve to ask me for more money (that I could barely spare).
And now you want to complain there's no food? Or you don't have metro card fare?
Like dude??? Did you not think of that when you were frivolously spending on your bad ass habits?

FUCK YOU, SUFFER.

Like, if I have to suffer because of your bad habits, my dude your ass is going to suffer too.

NO PATIENCE

My mom wants to waste my damn time 2017 and expect me to nod my head in agreement and keep it pushing. NO.

I'm leaving, fuckyou, figure it out without me because I'm done.

NO PATIENCE

My time is short in this life. I could die tomorrow. I'm only concerned about my children. They don't deserve to have to deal with people's bullshit. Seriously.

I've had it up to Timbuktu. If I had it my way I'd collect my shit and bounce. Alas, life is not set up that way. So I'm stuck here between a rock and a hard place. With an asshole of a man who can't fend for himself is someone paid him to.

I'm so ready to be done and over with all of this.. Honestly. Truly.

I'm tired of being nice. It's been my downfall this far.

If I'd been strict from the start then he would've gotten the idea that wasting 5 years of my life... wouldn't turn out in his favor. \
S.T.A.R.V.E. idgaf.

Because you're an adult and you can make conscious decisions without having to rely on me being your mother. Seriously.

Have the nerve to say if it was me that I'd be upset.... See the thing is that's never been me. I always do what I have to do, fend for myself if I have to.

I spent two days at work hungry, all day. Because I gave him the power to be able to feed himself at his leisure (even though he was in the house all day and I was not). I'm not doing that anymore. He had time to say, you know what. Let me stock up on things so that I can make sure no matter what I'll have something to eat or fall back on when the time comes. But NOOOOOO he needs me to think like that. Needs me to make the judgment call.

I'm tired of raising a grown ass man. Honestly. Truly.

How many times do I have to write about being tired of something. How many times do I have to express my unhappiness. Every time I turn around it's something else. It's something new. Nothing ever let's up for me. At least that's what it feels like, because this ENTIRE BLOG is nothing but lamentations. Like WTF?
The shit only covers like 6 years of my life.. how the fuck is there maybe 1% of joy and contentment? It's probably less than that if I quantify it properly, but you get the point.

That's why I don't write as much. Because it stopped making sense. It stopped feeling therapeutic and morphed into a death sentence by stress. Reading over anything doesn't make me feel any better. And it's not as if I'm talking to anyone.  I don't get any advice or feedback. It just stays here on the screen for me to cry over later. That's some fucked up shit.

I'm so angry right now. It makes me exhausted.

Maybe I'm depressed... Maybe it's the pregnancy (that I have yet to talk about on here, it's bambino #2.. don't ask, it's series on it's own)...
Maybe it's just that I'm tired of being fucking tired.. and complacent. I have no patience.

 

Hot fucking mess

Originally written last week Thursday.

I'm still on the damn train and it's oddly still packed. What is NYC?? How the hell is this even possible??

Oh well, I just realized how exhausted I really am. And to be quite honest I don't feel like I did shit. Damn. Time flies by so fast when you're hoping it doesn't.

Ive been wanting to write for some time because I've had novels in my head. I need to go back to just writing random shit in my book. I can't wait till I'm done with this job. Although it might a pathway to different kinds of stress, it's going to be a huge weight off my shoulders. I've never willing decided to be unemployed or to be a full time student. But something told me to stop fucking around. I have every right to want to be a dedicated mother and student. I deserve to be able to pursue my dreams of having my own business. I am worth a real shot after fulfillment. It might be tough at first, but something's telling me this is always where I'm meant to be.

The title goes here, but I put it down there

Mo' money Mo' problems no money no problems

For some odd reason I feel like all my bad luck came with this new job. Like, getting a higher job title and a serious pay increase wasn't actually life changing in the good way that I would've expected it to be.
As well, I feel like every day I'm still at this job just means more hardship for me.

I just feel feel like the minute I've reached my last day will be the day that everything just stops. And the sky clears and all of a sudden something amazing and unexpected happens.
Whats more weird is that I always expected that with more income I could do more things, but in fact I just became more limited in what I was able to do. It seems like more just wasn't enough. Which really got me thinking maybe I'm just getting my money from the wron place, and I need to be making my own money. Because other people's money hasn't done me any good.

I had had so many good things planned and each and every one of them failed on me.

Ive put some thought into this theory that my job is the route of all evil, lol (jk, but maybe so... 🤔)
but it might also be ill-will that people I worked with wished on me, so I need to get away from those people or person... 😒

Ive got a little over a week left now. I'm so anxious. The first thing I'm going to do is my homework.

Morbid News

Originally written a week ago.

So. I finally went to see a doctor for my Feritility.

And I learned a lot of eye opening news, the biggest one was that I was....
...

morbidly obese..

shit I didn't think I looked morbidly obese but apparently I'm more than just fat and I'm most definitely not pregnant (even though she didn't do a test, not that it mattered just got my period and I don't think I'm special enough for a miracle baby)

So my BMI is 39. Click that link if you wanna see what it means or why it means I'm over over weight. I'm not even obese... I'm morbidly obese..... Shit I could die at a moments notice, but I somehow managed to run to meet my coworker by the train station. 🤔

Im not sure how to process the information because I already knew I was fat. Like seriously. Even though I made excuses for not losing weight and I pretty much ignored it, doesn't mean I was ignorant. However what I didn't know was that it (along with my stress) was probably what was causing me to be inferitle. Makes sense considering I was waaaayyyy less fat when I got pregnant with both Olivia and the second time.

In addition, I also found out that I'm high risk because of Olivia's birth. The GYN said she wouldn't dare let me have a natural birth if I got pregnant and stayed with her... But I'm tired of those scare tatics, if I do eventually get pregnant, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. But first, I've got to loose weight.

I wish i could could just take a vitamin and poof! Or I wish I could at least find time and energy for an activity that I liked. I miss biking, but I would be able to loose the weight I needed with just that.

I know I need to change my diet but I already have a love/hate relationship with food. If I try eating 100% healthy, I probably won't eat at all.

I'll have to find some solution, because I can't stay fat ... Sorry morbidly obese...forever and I want to be able to buy nice clothes...

The misadventures of me

It's my second week of classes and although I'm not caught up on my reading or homework, I feel so much like I'm back to myself. Being a student has always been one of my most enjoyed activities.. except for when I'm in a class I can't stand or understand. But the benefit of being a college student ( at least at the school I go to now) is that I can PICK MY CLASSES!!! Oh what a fucking feeling. I love Brooklyn College, but those Core Classes were threatening to kill me.

anywhoville. This afternoon evening (it's fucking 11 at night) I found myself at a Halal truck (because I'm trying to swear off McDonalds again) and I had the "pleasure" (?) of not only giving a (possibly intoxicated) white man the money that he dropped on the floor back, but I also got suspiciously hit on by the Halal cook. *kanye shrug*

i told L about it, but he I think he assumes something more elicit was afoot. It wasn't.. or maybe I'm just oblivious. I really just want to get home. This train is oddly packed for this hour. Like seriously!! WTF??!! Ok, it's only 10:44.. but it's not like it's 4 or 5 o'clock. Why are so many people just now heading home??! And I can't eat my gyro because I'm a train packed like this, it's just plain disrespectful. And I don't like eating in an uncomfortable situation. I rather write a blog post.