Who am I to say

So im in a relationship now. L is my boyfriend. Call me stupid, naive, call it whatever.. frankly i don't have the time for anything else. Seriously..
I am not your average 20 year old.
I don't party.
I don't spend money frivilously.
I don't smoke.
I don't drink.. well not heavily.. or socially.. whatever.
I don't do spontanious things.
I don't go to the movies every friday.
I don't sneak out.
I don't hang out.
I don't get my hair done.
I don't get my nails done.
I don't shop.
I don't keep up with the jones (i don't even know how to)
I don't buy new clothes. (I buy shoes, but i've since toned that down.. honestly most people i know buy something new every other day. I do not)
I don't date..
I don't have time..
Here's what i do do..
I work.
I go to school.
I take care of my family.
I save money.
I pay bills.
I might watch tv.. maybe..
I eat.... Thats about it..
That sums it up mostly. I am in no way average. So who am i to think that i could date? Trying to hang out with friends is an ordeal, let alone trying to sync my minimalistic schedule with someone else's. Trying to date L has been hectic. We don't really get to do anything. Any moment we have together we steal, and those moments are always short lived.
So i've got a boyfriend. They're easier to manage.. plus i really really like L. So this feels right. I don't feel cheated out of dating around anymore. What i do feel cheated out of is living my life.
The mom expects me home right after work. So immediatey following the 9 to 5 i start the 5 to 9 ( which tends to work me overtime well into the wee hours of 1 am.)
But who am i to complain??
Right. I've got a roof over my head. Even if it feels like a prison most of the time. The mom claims that she doesn't care what i do after the house is "set". However she failed to give a definition for "set" so who knows when the house will achieve that goal.
So until then, im a slave to sneaking moments of short lived fun and declining day's of shopping with the girls. I've got to be a responsible adult!
I might as well get married and have kids.
The faster i have kids, the faster they grow up, the faster i can live vicariously through them. My youth is two steps from gone.
Give it a rest my mind says, stop trying to fight the lack of life.. deal with the dullness of your existence. Release the envy against those who can life to the fullest.  You have no right to complain. You're alive.
I guess I can sum it up as this: who am i to say im not alive??

January 10th

The date has been set. and time will return again.
I guess I'll have to wait until then
To wash away the pain
but of course and always
remember those miles of infinite ways
regurgitate the things we don't say, to keep them hidden and locked away.

Question...

Can you publicly keep secrets??
Odd question I know.. but I put my secrets out in public, for anyone to see, but I don't tell them to those who surround me
These secret symphonies.. hell bent on killing me
For them, I open my heart fully
but for you, pretend it doesn't exist casually
Originally I didn't intend to be sorry, I lost control of the party that I created for me and thee to be sweetly tucked away softly, but now all can see, while you're blind to the truth that hides so deeply..

So here's an epiphany for the epitome of the calgary...

this tiny little secrets i shall keep

The Carousel turns...

So it's been a while. as always. And I'm back to square one.. depression.
Christmas was a bust. I didn't get any presents, I didn't expect any, I didn't want any, I didn't give any.

I called the father. He didn't answer. My sister made a mistake of calling me back, and so our conversation didn't last long.

I cried later.

Maybe he's in Canada.

But that doesn't matter. This is in lieu of a video diary, so I have to be blunt.

What matters is that I'm caring again, about not caring.

It's been such a tangled mess.
I can't even begin to put everything into perspective. It's a little bit overwhelming, everything.

My relationship with my family is walking a tight rope. I wake up faking. I go to sleep faking.

My friends are getting closer and farther all the same. I do love them though. If only they could understand.

My best friend, my love, V ... has been an amazing light in my vast sea of darkness.. what would I do without her.. oh, I know.. I'd die.

I have almost alienated myself from myself. I'm searching for her, hopefully she'll pop up.

It's incredibly late, i'm confused, tired, upset, and reeling at things that I can't understand or make sense of at the moment. To top it off i have to work later. and L is planning on having a coffee with me before work. We'll see how that plays out.

Things happen and people come and go, friends stay and know, but enemies last forever.. I love you all though

Where everything that has happened or will happen has gotten me (parable speak I know, but deal...) to a point of destruction.

You have to tear something apart before you can grow/build anything.

But im not dying. I'm living. and It's terrible. and hard. and most don't understand the gravity that doesn't exist inside of me. I am not grounded but my soul floats among this world that I think I live in.

So I'm alive but I'm not living. and It's terrible. and hard. and most understand but don't know they do and wish they didn't so that they could blame for being who I am and for them being themselves. It's ok, if you would like to move on without a breathe, I'll open your lungs for you... you'll never know I was there.

So this post is turning out to be incredibly long. I tried to stay away from that, obviously I failed. If anyone reads this (meaning no one) than just know, not all my post will be this long hence forth.

It's only because I like spaces and ellipses' and one liners and it's 4 am in the morning. and I don't want to stop writing because I don't want to go to sleep suffocated by thoughts. I'll be a bitch tomorrow (later) even though I've been a bitch already. It's ok. I've never been a bitch in my life, so this is good for me to try out.

(more spaces) I'm cold. and there was something else I was going to say but it's gone now. shit..

ahh, my mom said I shouldn't curse so much. L says the same thing. He thinks im a potty mouth. Am i?

Whatever, fuck it. (< how's that for potty mouth... yes, it can get worse)

and the Carousel turns.....

It's christmas.. is it christmas??

Im at a cross road. Where everything makes me feel empty. And alone. And shallow.. is this christmas?? Is this depression??
Is this a figment of my imagination??

The questions one asks themselves when they've been pretending everything was ok, only to realize that it isn't.

But it's ok,  because it's not okay.
I don't remember the holiday
I don't remember what's gone away
I don't remember the words to say... Even though i promised i'd never forget....

I mean, what could i possibly say... I just want to be alone
I want to be gone and away like a rogue wind, bustling and whispering sin and secrets alike, "i'll tell you yours if you tell me mine...."

But again, those are only words ... Life is only words
Pain and hurt happiness serenity words words words

Is that christmas?? Just a word?? Filled with fake meaning?? Words behind words behind words. For every word theres a word for it's meaning, which means words as well. It's perpetual. This understanding of being lost... Is only simple words.....

Lions, Tigers and Bears.. OH MY!

It's been a while since I've actually sat down and processed all that has happened. Especially concerning how I feel about everything.

So as of today, I think Im in love.
I'm not sure how i feel about this.
I don't think I've ever connected with anyone on this level.

We talk.. of course among other things, but most of all we talk

It's crazy, because there's up's and downs and it's all weird. And crazy ..

But i think i like it, i think i love it..

Of course i don't think i know what love is but, we'll see

Things we don't say...

So I've finally made it to the point where I start thinking about all of the things that I didn't say.
I kinda just wanted to fill in some of the blanks and sort of explain everything that has happened so far. (Very briefly)
Almost like a rewind/recap for those (meaning no one at all) who are lost as to what the fuck is going on. You know, because I have a tendency to speak in hieroglyphics and not english: it's paradoxical, I know.

So yeah so far:

I've broke up with my long term boyfriend (we were together for 5 years)
    I knew this would happen, I stopped being in love with him for some time.

And then of course there's this new guy (we'll title him L...)
    I've known him for about a year, but we were just acquaintances. After I broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend. I gave him my number and we "hooked up". Ever since then I can't get enough of him. I really like him and he really likes me. I'm not exactly sure about my feelings for him... ( I don't understand shit that I'm feeling right now, I just feel so empty. Like my feelings are a person of their own and I'm an outsider, and there's a glass between us, so my feelings speak.. but i can't hear.)  ... I just know that I really like him and I can see us becoming more than what we are now..

  We've also had sex.. multiple times. I don't normally do that. so that's new as well.
   I've also spent the night over his house, twice. But I don't normally do that either.

Then there's my family.
   They're being so overbearing and I feel this great need to run away. I believe that I just may, and that'll be really soon.

Heads up for more heiroglyphics:

So these are the things we don't say. The things we keep locked away.. sad and sorry, stormy days.. a million thousand infinate ways....