Asking for too much

I thought I started a post about this, but I can't seem to locate it. Maybe it was just an inner dialogue that I wished I had posted. Either way, I have t do this again.

Is it possible that I am asking for way too much from life? Like good shit isn't supposed to kick in until I'm 30 and I'm over here rushing it. Maybe, just maybe,my life is exactly what it's supposed to be and I should just go with the flow... 

And ode to NYC and the US

I can't fucking take this anymore.

I'm thoroughly exhausted and it's not even mid afternoon, it's not even 10 am!!!

I have no patience for this anymore.

I've been up since 6 am just trying to get to work. I had to pick up Olivia and bring her back to school. Then I figured I'd take  a Lyft cab so that I won't be too late. Low and behold I waited for the cab for about an hour (an extremely complicated ordeal) and it gave me nothing. I ten decided to take the bus, but made the last minute decision (mistake) to transfer to the train and instead of taking the G to work and walking, transfering to the C (MISTAKE).  Just to have to eventually come out of the train station and run after the bus. It's safe enough to say that I'm not only extremely late, but extremely pissed off. 

In conjunction with that, I was told that I'd be taking on another responsibility over something in the summer, which translates to me that I'm not getting this other position. I could be speculating but I feel as though I'm not getting it. So I need to start on my plans to move out of the country. I figured I'd reach out to my contacts to see what opportunities I can tap into. I don't have a desire to finish my degree here all that much so I wouldn't mind if I had to leave before accomplishing that. I hate the thought of starting this because everything's so uncertain. I just wish I could find stability. For once. 

Selling things? Selling me? Selling out?

The gotten to the point where selling something has becoming a legitimate plausibility. 

Be it a kidney, my body or my soul... I've reached a breaking point.

I considered my eggs then realized no one would want them. 

And the though of my child being out there experiencing Goddess knows what... Not sure how I feel about that. But everything else has made it to the realm of possibility. 

I really do hate this stress, this feeling of being hateful and alone. I hate this disproportionate life I lead. It's making me sick, absolutely sick. I think I would not even be against some illegal activities at this point because I just want this to stop. 

I think to myself, how does this make me a better person? Feeling awful 90% of the time? How does that contribute to my human experience? And why is it fair?

Don't get me wrong I am thankful for the things in my life that I have to be thankful for 

Olivia and her health

A roof over our head and food in our bellies

My mother 

A good cell phone

A good job (despite the lack of benefits and adequate income)

Ummmm

Victoria

Ummm

At this point that's about it. Everything else after that is a stress ball. At included L. He's killing me with his own brand of sauce. And I'm sure he could give a shit. 

I have to say that more than anything, feeling alone has been about the hardest, and that's where he could've at least chipped in. He's so ungrateful. He's always complaining about me and our situation, like I'm doing nothing. Like I haven't done anything for him. Like I just take care of Olivia and myself and exclude him. With his goddamn attitude I should, it breaks my heart. 

The worst thing about a broken heart is the breaking stage. When you're standing there trying to make repairs to the fractures, then watching silently as its all for naught. Until it's shattered and there's nothing you can do. And you don't want to attempt to put it back together because it doesn't feel worth it. And the mere thought of it breaking again sends you into a wild frenzy.

I'm pretty sure I'm dying. 

I'm pretty sure my life isn't getting better with whatever I'm doing. 

I'm pretty sure I'm fucking it even more each day,

I'm pretty sure no one gives a fuck. 

Even if they say they do, what's that worth? 

I've gained a significant amount of weight. I'm around 200 lbs now. 

I don't look like it, but I kinda feel like it. It's always something, I swear.

Writing is my only solace. Aside from food, which is why I'm so fat. And probably why I feel like I'm dying. 

Eh.

I thought I'd be motivated enough to do my second movie or to finally write my book, but I've been too depressed. I hate depression because it sucks everything from your life and practically eats you alive. Correction, it eats you alive. 

This dude on this train has KFC and I'm starving. Jesus it smells so good. He needs to get off immediately or I need to. I can't stand the yummy smell. I know it's not good for me, it's not. And its contributing to my fat. But fast and fatty foods is all I want right now. It's my fucking drug of choice. I would say don't judge me, but I don't really care. 

I spoke to my mom just a while ago. Which reminded me that I neglected to talk about our NJ excursion to visit L's mom. Olivia had been there the entire last week and L was there the last 3 days of her stay. L's mom, we'll call her M, invited my mother over to drink and have fun. It was an enjoying time, albeit embarrassing. L was too much to handle at certain points, especially during the part when we were heading home and he became a full blown Asshole. Yes with a capital A. It was even bothered my mother and it also made me realize I never talked to her about L. 

I wish I had, but I've been defending L so hard to my family. Making excuse after excuse for his deplorable behavior. I've been sticking by his shit for a while. Sometimes I wish I could bash him to my mother and she's still support me until L and I were no longer together on my terms. But I know that she'd just force me to kick him out, which although I think about every day I don't do, because it's not beneficial for him.  He barely helps with Olivia so being beneficial to me isn't really a factor. In all honesty I care about him, even though apart of me hates his guts. 

I guess that's what love is, or whatever. 

The gentleman with the good smelling fast food left a while ago, but the smell still lingers in my nose. 

I'm cold and tired and hungry. 

The three worst things to be. 

I just wish I wasn't going home to stress and hate. 

Fucktard asshole of a shit piece of man. Sigh. I had to get it out of my system. I'm just so angry. And lonely.   

What's tired?

I guess there's no better time to write than now. 

I don't have access to my music presently and I'm underground so I don't have access to the Internet. Eh. 

I'm thinking about moving to another country. I'm always so tired here. And stressed. When I close my eyes I imagine that I'm sitting in my garden surrounded my greenery and life. Reading a great book, or better yet, writing one. Smelling fresh air, listening to Olivia play. Or maybe she's with friends. Ideally she'd have siblings or a sibling, but I doubt that's going to happen. 

The only thing that's stopping me from running away is money, passports, and quite possibly my degree. If I had the money and I paid off my debts I could potentially transfer to another university abroad. So really it all boils down to money. I thought about another state but that just wasn't enough. It was detached enough. The world is killing me honestly because I'm so heartbroken by its state. If I could have one wish in the world, or one super power it would be the power to change that. Everything else I could deal with, even being poor. But to change the world for the better. Stop all of this hate and mindless deaths.  But alas I have no super power or genie. I have to suffice with doing what I can, and that starts with bettering myself. 

My plan is to maybe move by the end of next year. 

I put in an application for a better position at my job, I qualify in terms of experience but not education. I just barely make the grade. NYCHA may choose not to give me conditional employment and let me meet the qualifications within a year and just shut me down. Or they may give me that chance. If they give me a chance, I'll stay. Otherwise I'm gone by the end of the year. 

I don't really know what I want more. The better paying job will give me a healthy challenge and more money and stability. But the move would give me new life and freedom (maybe, there might still be some grave challenges) and the thing is moving Olivia. I don't know how that'll be for her. I'd like to hope she'd do well, because she's amazing. But one can never know. 

I've been having a hard time sleeping trying to run away from the stress, but it keeps me up either with distractions or with insomnia. Everyone assumes it's because L's not with me for the week, but it's not that. I've been tired for so long now. So long now.

I've shied away from friends and family I guess.  Because being in my own mind is so much easier, it's better for me to handle everything if I  don't have to explain it to anyone or make excuses. Keeping up with everything that's running through my head is more stressful than anything else I've experienced.

Sometimes I do want someone to talk to, but I don't want to burden anyone or annoy them with the same old bullshit. But that's my life, so instead I write here or keep to myself. I like to think that maybe someone, at least one person reads this and understands me. Or maybe not. 

I must be losing my mind because I keep on fucking things up, like getting on the wrong train or not remembering information correctly. My brain is distracted or dying or both. 

I'm so exhausted.  

Written 10/10/15

I'm fucking back!

Thought I'd just post this- whateverthefuck

I can't promise that I'll be writing more, even though I wish I could. My biggest problem is that I really only write while on public transportation. And for the most part I don't always finish what I want to write and the. Sometimes I'll go underground and my work won't be saved, so even if I was writing some good shit... It'll all be gone.. No one likes that...so I haven't really wrote much. I'll try to write more though. 

In current news I did something crazy and applied for a better job in my apartment. I feel good about it, the one stich is that I don't completely meet the qualifications. My credits are just almost enough, if I was able to pay the debt and go back I'd have been done by now. But at this time I don't have the monies. So I'm just suffering and trying to make ends meet paycheck to paycheck. It doesn't help that L is not working anymore and I'm tried of making excuses for him. I know his ego is hurt, but I really need a man at this point in time. I'll be as supportive as possible, but everyone has their limits. 

Finally doing it

No, I'm not getting married. I'm finally working on my website!! And I'm going to freelance. I have. I idea what I'm doing. I'm just diving in. 

I did my business cards yesterday, but I fucked up the website so now I have to do them over again. What a headache. 

Okay I worked on my website: waterflows.wix.com/awritersmuse

(I think that's the website...)

I'd really like to be able to purchase a domain by the end of this year, maybe sooner? It's expensive. It can cost me about $100 a year, which isn't bad, but I don't have that to spare just yet. I need to get something solidified by tomorrow. It needs to be live and I need my business cards to match. I'm trying to get all my ideas/talents/work in one place. I'll also feature this on there... Maybe somewhere secret?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I just don't think I'm ready to expose this to people who night actually read it and know who I'm talking about. 

As well in working on a book - based on this blog and my diaries from youth. Hit is absolutely disgusting retyping those entries. I could barely spell!! What the hell??! And I was so angry, and young, and dumb actually. It's gross.  But I realize that it's necessary. People may not like reading it,  but someone might be interested. I might make it an optional chapter.. A thought. 

I've also been writing social political articles in my head all week, I need to get them out. I'm going to generate a schedule next week and start actively carving out time to work on these projects. 

The funny thing is that leisure requires money. And I'm lacking in that department so my mind has been wrXked with trying I find ways to compensate for $$. Now that L isn't working that's even more incentive for me I find another job or to take on some freelanced work. However that's completely easier said than done 

A new chapter

Hi again,

So after some very tough times with L. We're still living together and might even be taking a vacation in a few months.. but that's besides the point. The point is that I am still in a place that I don't want to be in. I am not happy in my relationship, but I am not one to kick someone I care about in the dirt (no matter how much he's hurt me..well.. no  matter how much he's annoyed me severely and made my life a living hellooo). I am hoping that maybe if I focus on myself I can just leave on my own.

I would never never never displace my daughter; so I would only leave if I perhaps got into low income housing or I was buying a house (or renting a house for a reasonable price) either way, I'm not budging (no matter how uncomfortable I feel unless those aforementioned cases were in play.

I have that talk with L every so often because I like to gauge where his mind is at, but he still keeps shifting and flipping, I can't keep up with him honestly. The truth is that I know  what I want. But it seems like he has no idea. Recently our sex life has proven more to how he feels because it hasn't been the same in months. It's like there's this disconnect and maybe I've echoed this previously, but it's more prevalent now. It almost feels like we're having sex just because. As if I could be anyone really and as long as he come out with a happy ending all is well. It feels like I'm the only one suffering from this. Perhaps it's because I'm such an emotional person and sex for me is rooted deeply in emotion. If that's not there than I'm just not into it.

This hurts the more I think about it, but it's something that can't be prevented. I've tried everything to make this relationship work, but I honestly know this is temporary. I just wish that he could come to his senses and admit how he truly feels. I hope he doesn't think he's sparing me any pain because in all actuality, I've never felt pain like this before.
My wounds can't close, I can't heal, I can't move on...I'm just stuck in purgatory.