The End

Death will not come first as the end. It will come as AN end. It will not come into your life first during your last breath, but in betwixt a heartbeat, and will leave you breathless. It will swiftly take away any light that once existed and not replace it with darkness, but with gray. Sounds will be muted and you be just a spectator to glory that will once never fully be yours. Time states that it has the ability to heal all wounds but this one will be fatal. The YOU that passes will never be resurrected, possibly replaced, but never reborn.

This is an unspoken death. An unrealized death. There is no surgeon general warning. There is no cure, no walks, no PSA.

Boom boom!

I'm here at an interview, waiting. I couldn't resist writing because I've been dying to write all day. But I've also been dying to finish a really good book I'm engulfed in so that won out during my lunch and I was swamped at work so I didn't have time to even think of writing.

I'm actually at the Department of Homeless services presently. I was here just a mere 3 years ago.. And again at 2 years ago, and now I'm back. Just in a different capacity. 

I'm not sure if I want this job, as much as I want extra money. I'd feel back taking an opportunity from someone who has nothing. At least I'm making ends meet , even if it's a struggle. Sigh. But being selfish I really need to level up. The issue that I always fall into is that I don't want to leave my current job. I really like it, I like what I do and I enjoy the people I work with. It can be challenging sometimes but in a good way, and that's not easy to find. I just wish that I could make ends meet with it, but I can't. I'm struggling so damn much and there is no foreseeable end to this struggle if I only keep one job. 

I didn't get the promotion (not sure what I'm taking about? check this out: What's Tired?). So that means I'm moving abroad! Yeah! 

However, how is still the biggest question? Apparently I need a visa or a job?? I reached out to a former associate of mine hoping to get some guidance and got directed to Google! ....

Thanks for nothing! 💩

Of course she was kind about it, but it did seem distant and I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid of too many options actually equates to me being no options at all. 

I should've eaten before coming here and I'm kind of anxious. Oh well. I think I'm gonna go back to that book before my brain explodes from stress. 

Asking for too much

I thought I started a post about this, but I can't seem to locate it. Maybe it was just an inner dialogue that I wished I had posted. Either way, I have t do this again.

Is it possible that I am asking for way too much from life? Like good shit isn't supposed to kick in until I'm 30 and I'm over here rushing it. Maybe, just maybe,my life is exactly what it's supposed to be and I should just go with the flow... 

And ode to NYC and the US

I can't fucking take this anymore.

I'm thoroughly exhausted and it's not even mid afternoon, it's not even 10 am!!!

I have no patience for this anymore.

I've been up since 6 am just trying to get to work. I had to pick up Olivia and bring her back to school. Then I figured I'd take  a Lyft cab so that I won't be too late. Low and behold I waited for the cab for about an hour (an extremely complicated ordeal) and it gave me nothing. I ten decided to take the bus, but made the last minute decision (mistake) to transfer to the train and instead of taking the G to work and walking, transfering to the C (MISTAKE).  Just to have to eventually come out of the train station and run after the bus. It's safe enough to say that I'm not only extremely late, but extremely pissed off. 

In conjunction with that, I was told that I'd be taking on another responsibility over something in the summer, which translates to me that I'm not getting this other position. I could be speculating but I feel as though I'm not getting it. So I need to start on my plans to move out of the country. I figured I'd reach out to my contacts to see what opportunities I can tap into. I don't have a desire to finish my degree here all that much so I wouldn't mind if I had to leave before accomplishing that. I hate the thought of starting this because everything's so uncertain. I just wish I could find stability. For once. 

Selling things? Selling me? Selling out?

The gotten to the point where selling something has becoming a legitimate plausibility. 

Be it a kidney, my body or my soul... I've reached a breaking point.

I considered my eggs then realized no one would want them. 

And the though of my child being out there experiencing Goddess knows what... Not sure how I feel about that. But everything else has made it to the realm of possibility. 

I really do hate this stress, this feeling of being hateful and alone. I hate this disproportionate life I lead. It's making me sick, absolutely sick. I think I would not even be against some illegal activities at this point because I just want this to stop. 

I think to myself, how does this make me a better person? Feeling awful 90% of the time? How does that contribute to my human experience? And why is it fair?

Don't get me wrong I am thankful for the things in my life that I have to be thankful for 

Olivia and her health

A roof over our head and food in our bellies

My mother 

A good cell phone

A good job (despite the lack of benefits and adequate income)

Ummmm

Victoria

Ummm

At this point that's about it. Everything else after that is a stress ball. At included L. He's killing me with his own brand of sauce. And I'm sure he could give a shit. 

I have to say that more than anything, feeling alone has been about the hardest, and that's where he could've at least chipped in. He's so ungrateful. He's always complaining about me and our situation, like I'm doing nothing. Like I haven't done anything for him. Like I just take care of Olivia and myself and exclude him. With his goddamn attitude I should, it breaks my heart. 

The worst thing about a broken heart is the breaking stage. When you're standing there trying to make repairs to the fractures, then watching silently as its all for naught. Until it's shattered and there's nothing you can do. And you don't want to attempt to put it back together because it doesn't feel worth it. And the mere thought of it breaking again sends you into a wild frenzy.

I'm pretty sure I'm dying. 

I'm pretty sure my life isn't getting better with whatever I'm doing. 

I'm pretty sure I'm fucking it even more each day,

I'm pretty sure no one gives a fuck. 

Even if they say they do, what's that worth? 

I've gained a significant amount of weight. I'm around 200 lbs now. 

I don't look like it, but I kinda feel like it. It's always something, I swear.

Writing is my only solace. Aside from food, which is why I'm so fat. And probably why I feel like I'm dying. 

Eh.

I thought I'd be motivated enough to do my second movie or to finally write my book, but I've been too depressed. I hate depression because it sucks everything from your life and practically eats you alive. Correction, it eats you alive. 

This dude on this train has KFC and I'm starving. Jesus it smells so good. He needs to get off immediately or I need to. I can't stand the yummy smell. I know it's not good for me, it's not. And its contributing to my fat. But fast and fatty foods is all I want right now. It's my fucking drug of choice. I would say don't judge me, but I don't really care. 

I spoke to my mom just a while ago. Which reminded me that I neglected to talk about our NJ excursion to visit L's mom. Olivia had been there the entire last week and L was there the last 3 days of her stay. L's mom, we'll call her M, invited my mother over to drink and have fun. It was an enjoying time, albeit embarrassing. L was too much to handle at certain points, especially during the part when we were heading home and he became a full blown Asshole. Yes with a capital A. It was even bothered my mother and it also made me realize I never talked to her about L. 

I wish I had, but I've been defending L so hard to my family. Making excuse after excuse for his deplorable behavior. I've been sticking by his shit for a while. Sometimes I wish I could bash him to my mother and she's still support me until L and I were no longer together on my terms. But I know that she'd just force me to kick him out, which although I think about every day I don't do, because it's not beneficial for him.  He barely helps with Olivia so being beneficial to me isn't really a factor. In all honesty I care about him, even though apart of me hates his guts. 

I guess that's what love is, or whatever. 

The gentleman with the good smelling fast food left a while ago, but the smell still lingers in my nose. 

I'm cold and tired and hungry. 

The three worst things to be. 

I just wish I wasn't going home to stress and hate. 

Fucktard asshole of a shit piece of man. Sigh. I had to get it out of my system. I'm just so angry. And lonely.   

What's tired?

I guess there's no better time to write than now. 

I don't have access to my music presently and I'm underground so I don't have access to the Internet. Eh. 

I'm thinking about moving to another country. I'm always so tired here. And stressed. When I close my eyes I imagine that I'm sitting in my garden surrounded my greenery and life. Reading a great book, or better yet, writing one. Smelling fresh air, listening to Olivia play. Or maybe she's with friends. Ideally she'd have siblings or a sibling, but I doubt that's going to happen. 

The only thing that's stopping me from running away is money, passports, and quite possibly my degree. If I had the money and I paid off my debts I could potentially transfer to another university abroad. So really it all boils down to money. I thought about another state but that just wasn't enough. It was detached enough. The world is killing me honestly because I'm so heartbroken by its state. If I could have one wish in the world, or one super power it would be the power to change that. Everything else I could deal with, even being poor. But to change the world for the better. Stop all of this hate and mindless deaths.  But alas I have no super power or genie. I have to suffice with doing what I can, and that starts with bettering myself. 

My plan is to maybe move by the end of next year. 

I put in an application for a better position at my job, I qualify in terms of experience but not education. I just barely make the grade. NYCHA may choose not to give me conditional employment and let me meet the qualifications within a year and just shut me down. Or they may give me that chance. If they give me a chance, I'll stay. Otherwise I'm gone by the end of the year. 

I don't really know what I want more. The better paying job will give me a healthy challenge and more money and stability. But the move would give me new life and freedom (maybe, there might still be some grave challenges) and the thing is moving Olivia. I don't know how that'll be for her. I'd like to hope she'd do well, because she's amazing. But one can never know. 

I've been having a hard time sleeping trying to run away from the stress, but it keeps me up either with distractions or with insomnia. Everyone assumes it's because L's not with me for the week, but it's not that. I've been tired for so long now. So long now.

I've shied away from friends and family I guess.  Because being in my own mind is so much easier, it's better for me to handle everything if I  don't have to explain it to anyone or make excuses. Keeping up with everything that's running through my head is more stressful than anything else I've experienced.

Sometimes I do want someone to talk to, but I don't want to burden anyone or annoy them with the same old bullshit. But that's my life, so instead I write here or keep to myself. I like to think that maybe someone, at least one person reads this and understands me. Or maybe not. 

I must be losing my mind because I keep on fucking things up, like getting on the wrong train or not remembering information correctly. My brain is distracted or dying or both. 

I'm so exhausted.  

Written 10/10/15

I'm fucking back!

Thought I'd just post this- whateverthefuck

I can't promise that I'll be writing more, even though I wish I could. My biggest problem is that I really only write while on public transportation. And for the most part I don't always finish what I want to write and the. Sometimes I'll go underground and my work won't be saved, so even if I was writing some good shit... It'll all be gone.. No one likes that...so I haven't really wrote much. I'll try to write more though. 

In current news I did something crazy and applied for a better job in my apartment. I feel good about it, the one stich is that I don't completely meet the qualifications. My credits are just almost enough, if I was able to pay the debt and go back I'd have been done by now. But at this time I don't have the monies. So I'm just suffering and trying to make ends meet paycheck to paycheck. It doesn't help that L is not working anymore and I'm tried of making excuses for him. I know his ego is hurt, but I really need a man at this point in time. I'll be as supportive as possible, but everyone has their limits.